When we left the hospital after I gave birth to JJ they gave us a pacifier, a blanket, a diaper bag full of diapers and wipes, a hat and tee shirt, and a bunch of pamphlets explaining how to take care of a newborn. And of course, obviously, we got our son. After Jenny Lynn they gave us one two page pamphlet giving us numbers to call for “support” and a book to read to JJ to explain why we weren’t coming home with the sister he was promised. A book. They gave us a book.

         The doctor left Justin and I in his office. I’m not sure how long we were in there but I’m sure it was awhile. I kept saying how I wanted to see her and Justin kept saying there was no way he would let me. I cried and cried for what seemed like hours and Justin held on to me tightly, never saying a word. There was nothing he could say, he couldn’t tell me it was going to be alright because he was as sad and pissed off as I was. He was the only one that understood what I was going through. Sure, everyone tried to put themselves in our shoes, but there’s no feeling like loosing a child, especially one you never got to meet.

         I could tell he was crying too but I was too scared to look at his face and actually see it. I’d never seen him cry and I knew it would make it even worse. He was trying his hardest to calm me down but he needed someone there to calm him down too. I was surprised that he let go enough to cry; usually he’s so focused on being the strong male that can’t show any emotions that he puts up walls. I guess there’s some things in life that even the biggest of walls can’t hide.

         When we both finally calmed down enough to go back into public we left the doctor’s office and met our family in the waiting room. I went right to JJ and hugged him harder than I’ve ever hugged him before. “Mommmmy,” he giggled, “You’re hugging me too hard!”

         “I’m sorry, I just missed you.”

         “I was right here!” he giggled again as I let him go. “Daddy!” as he ran to his father I fell in my mother’s arms.

         “I can’t do this right now,” I whispered because that’s all I could manage to get out. I knew if I stayed in my mothers arms and then moved down to my fathers, then my sisters, then Justin’s mother and so on I’d loose it. I can’t have that, especially not in front of JJ.

         “You don’t have to,” my mother assured me. “We’re going to take JJ out of your hands for a little while. You and Justin do what you need to do.”

         I nodded my head and broke away from my mother and gave JJ one last hug before waving and leaving everyone. I wasn’t sure where I was going but I knew I needed to get away from everyone. I felt Justin’s arm around my waist and looked to see he was with me, I hadn’t even noticed.

         “We should head home and get some rest.”

         I nodded my head again as we walked on to the elevator. Justin held me closer as the elevator went down to the parking garage. “This is all a nightmare right? We’re going to wake up any second.”

         “I hope so,” Justin answered in a whisper before kissing my forehead.

         I sat down at the kitchen table across from Kendall in silence. She was just sitting there, looking into space, as if that plate of pancakes wasn’t even sitting there in front of her. I ate my pancakes, but watched her carefully. It’s like she’s in a different world. She drives me crazy with this whole thing. I know it’s fucking hard, but she just trys to ignore everything and she’s never going to deal with it. I know she’s thinking about that day, just like she has been every fucking day for the past year. Don’t get me wrong, I think about it every day too but I’ve been able to carry on my life. I’m not so sure she has.

         “Maybe we should uh…” I began but stopped when I realized I had no idea what we should do. Well, I know we should talk but I’ve tried that already so I’m not going to get her more upset just yet. Although we will talk at some point today, I don’t care if I have to tie her down and make her. “Ken. Kendall… Ken!”

         “Huh?” she snapped out of her daze.

         “Aren’t you going to eat your pancakes?”

         “I’m not really hungry,” she shrugged.

         “Well what do you want to do today?”

         “I don’t know Justin,” she’s annoyed with me already.

         “OK. We’ll just… sit then.”

         Two weeks after the day… I don’t know how to refer to it so we’ll just call it THE DAY, we still hadn’t talked about anything. Kendall spent her days, and her nights for that matter, in bed. She’d get up for maybe a total of an hour a day, when I made her eat dinner. She didn’t eat any other meal, and hardly even ate her dinner.

         “Ken,” I made my way to our room one night and sat down next to her in bed.

         “What justin?” she just about shouted at me.

         “I’m putting JJ to bed but he’s been asking about you. I mean, you always tuck him in and it’s been two weeks since you have. I know…”

         “Justin, I’m sorry but I’m kind of...”

         “I know,” I answered quickly before she could finish, “It’s just that he’s getting really confused and he thinks he’s in trouble that’s why you’re not coming in to tuck him in or why you’re not playing with him anymore. I know it’s hard baby, believe me I know. But we have to try to deal with it and take care of the son we do have.”

         She didn’t answer me, or make any movement. I wasn’t sure if I got her thinking or if she wasn’t even listening to what I was saying. JJ called me so I left her alone, once again.

         “Hey Buddy,” I said as I walked into his room and sat on his bed, “Are you all set?”

         “No silly, you gotta read me a story!”

         “Of course, which one do you want?”

         “I waannnttt…” JJ began as he jumped out of bed and headed for his bookshelf. I took that as my chance to clean up his room a little, or at least put some of his toys away. I feel like a single parent and that’s no fun.

         There was a soft knock on the door and I looked up to see Kendall standing in the doorway. The corners of her lips almost formed a smile when JJ noticed her and ran into her arms, “Mommy! Are you gonna read me a story too?”

         “Yes sir, pick a good one, alright?”

         “I am, I am, I will, I will!”

         She sat down next to me on JJ’s bed and placed her hand on my map, “I’m sorry for… you know…”

         I nodded my head, “it’s OK,” I whispered back just as our son jumped into bed.

         “Alright, alright, I’m ready. I picked my book!” he said holding the book the doctor gave us in front of his mother. I don’t know what it is about this book but he wants to read it just about every night. It’s a good book, I supposed, but it’s a good book to read once, maybe once a month if need be but definitely not every night. I even tried buying him a whole shelf of new books, Spiderman and Sponge Bob, but all he wants to do is read this book from the doctor that says we thought we were getting a baby but we got an angel instead.

         It’s not even reading the book over and over that gets to me, it’s the questions that come along with it.  “Is Jenny Lynn an angel Daddy?” Yes JJ. “Does she live in a cloud?” Yes JJ. “Does she like it up there?” “Can she see me always, even when I’m sleeping?”

         The point is I’m pretty sure Kendall does not need to go through this right now, “Let’s pick another one, alright buddy?”

         “No, it’s fine,” Ken answered as she grabbed the book from his hands. She hasn’t read it yet so she doesn’t know what she’s getting herself into but I can assure the world it’s not going to be good. But, I’m learning to keep my mouth shut and let her do what she wants to do because I’m only making her angrier.

         I should have spoken up and made her read ‘Green Eggs and Ham’ but I didn’t and she only got two pages into the book before throwing it on the bed and running back to our room. I wasn’t exactly sure what to do but I knew I couldn’t exactly leave JJ there thinking he did something wrong, so I stayed with him and gave her some more time to herself.

         “How come Mommy’s so mad?”

         “She’s not mad Justin, she’s just sad. Mommy really misses Jenny Lynn.”

         “But how come? Jenny Lynn is an angel and she’s in heaven watching over us. She wasn’t supposed to be here cause God wanted her in heaven.”

         I nodded my head to buy some time before I had to answer. At least I know he pays attention to the book, maybe Ken should read it and it could help her out too. “I know, it’s just hard sometimes. But don’t worry about Mommy, she’ll be fine. You need to get to bed, so let’s finish the story fast and then it’s sleepy time.”

         After finishing the book I tucked him in bed and then went back to our bedroom. Kendall was laying there with her back towards me, like always. I couldn’t tell if she was crying or not but I took a deep breath before I said what I was about to say. “I think we should go to a counselor.”

         She didn’t answer me, or even make any kind of movement telling me she was even listening. “Ken, do you hear me?”

         “Yes, I’m not going to a counselor.”

         “I just think that we need to sit down and get everything out and really talk about it.”

         “We don’t need to talk about it to some stranger that’s going to tell the world about what we’re saying.”

         “That’s not going to happen,” I assured her, “there’s codes, these people are doctors it’s not like we’re just going to some guy off the street.”

         “Justin, two weeks ago I hid in the trunk of a fucking SUV so those assholes wouldn’t take pictures of me leaving the hospital without my baby.”

         Well what the fuck is that supposed to mean? This is somehow my fault? “Look Ken, I’m sorry about hat but it’s not my fault, I mean you knew when we first started dating…”

         “Don’t give me that shit.” She cut me off before I could finish, “it’s not about that. I don’t need some guy that has no idea what I’m going through to tell me how to deal with something he could never even imagine having to deal with himself.”

         “They’re trained. What would it hurt? You don’t want to talk to me, you don’t want to talk to your sister, you won’t talk to anyone. What do you think it’s just going to magically go away? do you think you’re just going to wake up one morining and be fine? I’ll ask around and I’ll look around and I’ll find a good one, one that knows what he’s doing. I’m going.”

         “Well have fun. I’m not.”      

         I took a deep breath before standing up, “Maybe you need to think abut this more Kendall because this, what you’re doing now, isn’t helping anything. you have a son, you have a husband, and we need you. JJ can’t keep seeing you like this. I know how hard it is but staying in bed 23 hours a day isn’t going to do anything but bring you into a deeper depression. I’m sleeping in the spare room.”