Part Seven - My Stupid Mouth
I never used to believe that thing adults say about how the older you get, the faster time goes, but by the end of my freshman year of college I most definitely did. By the time finals rolled around, the previous year when Justin had first started ruining my life seemed like it was just yesterday and a million years ago all at the same time. Looking back on that year, I couldn’t believe how different things were. By the end of the school year, Justin and Bianca were back with a vengeance, I was spending very little time with Bianca, and Jake and I were practically attached at the hip. If someone had told me at the beginning of the school year that this would be the state of things come May, I would have told them to lay off the crazy pills. But that was, in fact, the state of things and, believe it or not, it actually felt sort of normal.
Well, it felt mostly normal anyway. The fact that Bianca and I rarely spent any quality time together anymore, despite the fact that we lived together, did not and probably never will feel normal. And, honestly, it really saddened me. Granted, it was largely my fault, as even over a month after the whole Justin debacle, I still avoided her to avoid him and her talking about him. But it was also her fault. She spent so much time talking to Justin on the phone or being with him when he was actually in town that she probably wouldn’t have had much time for me anyway. Needless to say, she was not exactly the Bianca I had known pre-Justin. I didn’t like it, but I had resigned myself to it being a fact of life that friends change and grow apart. Besides, it wasn’t like we hated each other or anything. I had made sure that the one thing that would have put the final nail in the coffin of our friendship never came out. I think you know what I mean.
“Just the girl I wanted to see!” Bianca exclaimed as I entered our room mere minutes after finishing my French exam. I raised an eyebrow at her as I flopped onto my bed and started pulling my shoes off my feet.
“Oh yeah? What do you want from me?” I responded with a smirk, tucking my feet underneath myself. She walked over and sat down next to me, tucking a piece of long blonde hair behind her ear.
“I’ve been thinking,” she began.
“Uh oh,” I interrupted in my usual way.
“Shut up, Taylor. No interruptions, please.”
“Fine, fine.” I rolled my eyes. “What have you been thinking?”
“Well, I was thinking that you and I never hang out anymore and that sucks major ass.”
“Such classy language.”
“Taylor!”
“Okay, sorry. No interruptions. Continue.”
“Anyway.” She narrowed her blue eyes at me. “So, since today is the last day of finals and Justin is getting back into town for a couple of days, you and Jake should come out with us tomorrow night. Like on a double date type thing.”
“I don’t go on dates with Jake,” I responded calmly. “Jake is just my friend.”
“Irrelevant,” Bianca informed me matter-of-factly. “The point is that you guys spend a lot of time together and Justin and I spend a lot of time together when he’s here, but you and I hardly spend any time together, so I think it would be a good idea for all four of us to go out together and have fun. You know, to celebrate being done and all that.”
“I don’t know, B.” I grimaced slightly and bit my lip uncertainly. I really wanted to spend time with Bianca and I didn’t have a problem with Jake joining us, but the idea of having to spend time with Justin didn’t particularly appeal to me. I wasn’t exactly angry or sad or anything else that I had been just after The Incident, but it was still uncomfortable to sit there and watch him and Bianca hanging all over each other. I was also unsure of how Jake would react to being around Justin, seeing as he wasn’t exactly Timberlake’s number one fan.
“Come on, Taylor,” she whined, pouting and giving me the puppy dog eyes. I rolled my own eyes in response.
“You have got to be kidding me with that expression,” I stated.
“Please. Don’t you love me?”
“No.”
“Yes you do.”
“I don’t.” I shook my head at her, but sighed with defeat. “But I’ll ask Jake what he thinks and if he says he’s up for it, we’ll do it.”
Bianca grinned, showcasing her perfect pearly whites for me to inwardly loathe. “Great! It’ll be awesome. Trust me.”
***
“You could have just said ‘no’ when I asked. You do realize that, right?” I asked Jake as we walked, arms linked in a completely platonic manner, a few feet behind Justin and Bianca, whose hands were intertwined in an anything but platonic manner.
“I was trying to be supportive,” he responded in a whisper, eager to keep both our companions and Justin’s bodyguard from hearing the conversation we were having.
“Well, then stop whining about being here. It isn’t my fault you wanted to be supportive. I never asked you to be supportive,” I snapped. We had been out with the Wonder Couple for about an hour, and it was already clear that this night would be a disaster. Jake, while normally quite chipper, had spent the entirety of dinner glaring, quite obviously, at Justin as Bianca and I tried, unsuccessfully, to keep a fairly normal conversation going between the four of us. We were now heading to some bar to check out a band and I was hoping that the distraction of music would keep everyone happy and comfortable.
“You’re right, I’m sorry,” Jake apologized to me. “But really, are you enjoying yourself?”
“That’s not the point. We’re here because Bianca wanted us to all come out together and we’re nice people. It’s not about what I want.”
“You know, I think you really should have told her about what happened with you and Justin. She has a right to know.”
“Jake,” I began, sighing in frustration and lowering my voice as we approached the bar. “This is not the time or place to discuss this.”
“You’re right. Sorry.”
“What are you guys doing back there?” Bianca questioned as we caught up to her and Justin in the club. “Plotting our demise?”
“World domination, actually,” I responded with a smile and both Bianca and her lesser half chuckled.
“Sounds dangerous,” Justin commented, grinning at me. Even after a good five or six weeks had passed, that still pissed me off. The way he would just act like everything was normal, because to me, it wasn’t. He was still that guy who had kissed me and then went running back to my best friend, and whether I would have admitted it at the time or not, that still hurt. I felt Jake’s arm slide around my waist protectively as it had done that night almost every time Justin even dared to look at me.
“I’m going to go get some water,” he told me, obviously trying to shut Justin out of the conversation. “You want anything?” I shook my head and he turned his attention to Bianca. “Bianca?”
“Yeah, I could use a water too. Thanks,” she said with a smile. Jake nodded and headed towards the bar. I could see in Justin’s face that the way Jake had not asked if he’d wanted anything had not gone unnoticed.
“I’m gonna run to the restroom really quick,” Bianca informed Justin and myself. “I’ll be back in a sec.” She planted a kiss on her boyfriend’s cheek and was gone before I could offer to come along so that I wouldn’t have to be left alone with Justin. I directed my gaze to the band who was setting up on stage and hoped that Justin would just keep his mouth shut until someone else came back to save me from having to deal with this situation. It was the first time we’d been alone together since the last conversation, and it wasn’t something that I wanted to face. I didn’t want to face him acting like all was well and even more than that I didn’t want to face the alternative.
“So, Jake seems...charming.” I could hear the sarcasm in Justin’s tone as he broke the silence and I folded my arms defensively.
“He is.”
“Hey, listen, now that I’ve got you alone for a minute, I’ve been meaning to apologize to you,” Justin began. A bitter laugh escaped my lips before I could stop it.
“Don’t,” I responded, shaking my head. I didn’t want to listen to him tell me how sorry he was for hurting me or whatever it was that he wanted to say. I honestly didn’t know what I wanted other than to not be around him.
“Taylor, you can’t just keep freezing me out,” he told me with an exasperated sigh. “We’re going to have to be around each other sometimes, and I would like it if we could at least be friends.”
“Really, Justin? Would you like that?” I replied, raising an eyebrow. “Because I would have liked it if you hadn’t kissed me and led me on and then gone running back to Bianca, but I guess we can’t always get what we want, can we?”
“Taylor...” His voice trailed off and he rubbed his hands over his face, clearly frustrated with me, but for the first time in a long while I didn’t even feel the slightest bit guilty about it. He got to make the decisions based on what he wanted before, so now it was my turn. “Look, I’m sorry, okay? I’m sorry that I made the mistake of giving into my attraction to you, but I wasn’t thinking straight. I was upset about how I’d treated Bianca and you were just there.”
“Thanks,” I responded shortly. This was exactly why I hadn’t wanted to discuss this. I didn’t want to hear him tell me how sorry he was and what a big mistake I was. I didn’t want to hear him take back everything he’d said about my not being less than Bianca, because he clearly thought I was. I almost wanted to just keep believing he secretly felt something for me, even though I was beginning to realize that it probably wasn’t true. “That makes me feel a lot better.”
I was indescribably grateful that Jake chose this moment to return with two bottles for water. As he approached us, he glanced back and forth between Justin and myself, studying the unhappy looks on both of our faces.
“Where’d Bianca go?” he finally said and I realized that Bianca had in fact been gone for quite a long time.
“Bathroom,” Justin replied before I had the chance.
“Ah. And you didn’t seize the opportunity to mack on her best friend? Shocking.” I was just as surprised by the statement as Justin appeared to be. I hadn’t pegged Jake as the confrontational type, but apparently he was unable to conceal his dislike of Justin for much longer.
“Jake,” I reprimanded in a hiss.
“What is your problem, man?” Justin inquired as Jake took a swig of his water and I bit my lip nervously.
“You’re my problem,” Jake replied succinctly. “And the way that you think you can just use girls and then throw them aside with no consideration for their feelings or how your actions are going to affect someone else’s lifelong friendship.”
Justin shook his head and looked away from both Jake and myself. “You have no idea what you’re talking about.”
“No, I think I have a pretty good idea of what I’m talking about. I was the shoulder to cry on. You know, the one who actually gave a damn about the girl you couldn’t be bothered to worry about?” I was holding onto Jake’s arm now in an unconscious attempt to get him to stop talking, but it wasn’t working. I was not in the mood to break up a fight which might erupt from this conversation and I certainly did not want Justin knowing that I had cried over him. Which is why I stared intently as my feet as Justin’s face turned back to me, looking surprised and even a little upset.
“I made you cry?” he asked softly. Jake scoffed.
“Oh, now you care about her feelings?”
“Dude, fuck off. This is none of your business,” Justin responded angrily. Jake took a step towards him and I tightened my grip on his arm, pulling him back towards me defensively. And of course it was this moment that Bianca chose to return to us, looking confused at the way Justin and Jake looked more than ready to lunge at each other.
“What’s none of his business?” she questioned slowly. My heart was pounding in my chest as the rest of us silently tried to decide what to say.
“That your boyfriend is a ch-“ Jake began before I cut him off, not wanting him to say what I knew he was about to say.
“Jacob, please,” I begged him to stay quiet, largely because if Bianca found out about why Jake was mad at Justin that meant she would probably find out why she should be mad at me. Jake shook his head.
“She deserves to know what an asshole her boyfriend is,” he stated. “And she deserves to know how he spent his time on their ‘break.’” Bianca’s eyes widened in surprise and she looked over at Justin for an answer to her confusion. When neither he nor I said anything, she seemed to realize that there was something to Jake’s accusation.
“What is he talking about?” she inquired calmly, hands on her hips and deep blue eyes fixed on her boyfriend’s face.
“Nothing, babe,” he replied, reaching his arm out to pull her towards him, but she shook him off.
“Don’t tell me it’s nothing. The look on your face right now is not nothing.” She was glaring at him fiercely now and I was certain that everyone around me must have been able to hear the frantic beating of my heart. Justin ran a hand through his hair wearily.
“I don’t think this is the best place to talk about this, B,” he told her softly.
“Well, then where would you like to talk about it, Justin?” she asked angrily. “Because we can go there and talk about it.”
“B-“
“Shut up. We’re going. Now.” And with that, she stormed out of the bar, Justin following behind her obediently and his bodyguard trailing behind him. I let out the breath I hadn’t realized I’d been holding and glanced over at my only remaining companion.
“I can’t believe you just did that,” I stated, not sure whether to be angry with him or admiring him.
***
Back at the dorm, Jake and I laid on my bed in silence, both emotionally drained from the night we had spent with Justin and Bianca. The latter had not returned yet, which suggested that she and Justin were either still fighting or having crazy make up sex. I personally did not want to put much thought into either option, particularly sex one.
“I’m sorry.” Jake’s apology finally broke the silence and I looked over at him as I tucked a piece of hair behind my ear.
“Sorry for what?” I replied.
“For saying all of that to Justin. I know it wasn’t really my place. He just...he pisses me off so much. I can’t believe that he has the nerve to treat you and Bianca the way that he does, you know?” I could hear anger seeping into his voice even now as he spoke and I couldn’t help smiling at it.
“I know. Don’t worry about it. It’s just...it’s not even all his fault, you know? I mean, it was my fault too. I shouldn’t have kissed him in the first place,” I admitted for the first time out loud. Jake shook his head.
“Yeah, but see, you actually care about how it all affects other people. He’s such a self-centered asshole that I doubt he’s even given a second thought to what his actions mean for you or Bianca or you and Bianca. It pisses me off,” he repeated. “And I can’t believe that he would just throw you aside without thinking twice about it. If I had you even for a second...” his voice trailed off and a strange feeling washed over me as I looked over at him.
“What?” I whispered. He just shook his head.
“Nothing. It doesn’t matter.” He didn’t say anything more, but somehow I knew exactly what he was feeling. The way he had been so protective of me all evening, and the way that he willingly sat next to me now, no matter how quiet or weird it sometimes got. I knew that he cared.
“Jake?”
“Yep.”
“May I admire you?” I asked. I could almost feel the smile that I knew formed on his face at the reference to what had become known as “our” movie.
“If you wish,” he replied with a smirk and I laughed. Instinctively, I reached over and placed my hand in his so that we were laying their side by side, hands intertwined as we both silently stared at the ceiling. Then before I knew what was happening or had time to think through what I was doing, I had turned my head towards my friend and pressed my lips against his. His grip on my hand tightened and his lips worked fervently against mine for a few seconds before he pulled away.
“What are you doing?” he asked breathlessly. I frowned, pulling my hand away from his and sitting up. He followed suit.
“I-I’m sorry,” I stuttered an apology. “I don’t know what I was...but I thought you wanted...”
“I do,” he assured me quickly. “I just don’t want this to happen for the wrong reason.”
“What do you mean?”
“I mean, are you kissing me because you want to kiss me, or are you kissing me because you can’t kiss Justin?”
He locked his eyes on mine and I fidgeted uncomfortably as I realized that I wasn’t really sure of the answer to that question. It took mere seconds, though, for me to take note of the butterflies in my stomach and the thoughts flashing through my head about how perfect his hand felt in mind. And it took less than a second for me to return my lips to his in response to his question. His arm snaked around my waist and pulled me closer to him and I slid my arms around his neck as the kiss began to deepen. That is, of course, before the door swung open and I jumped off the bed and away from Jake as a tear-stained and hysterical Bianca entered the room.
“I knew it,” she greeted us, tears streaming down her face. “I knew there was someone else. I knew that was the reason for that stupid break. I knew it.”
“I should probably go,” Jake whispered quickly and he hurried out of the room as I focused on my best friend.
“What?” I asked, pretending that this was all news to me. She walked over to me and flung her arms around me. I returned the embrace and ran my hand over her hair soothingly.
“He kissed someone else while I was gone in Florida, Taylor,” she sobbed. “I mean, I know it could be worse, but-but...I didn’t even want to touch someone else when I didn’t have him. Why would he want to make out with some other slut?”
“Um...I don’t know,” I stammered, hurt by the fact that my best friend had unknowingly just called me a slut. She pulled away from me and sat down on her bed, wiping the tears away from her eyes. “Did you ask him why?”
“He didn’t give me a real answer. He just kept saying ‘I’m not perfect, Bianca,’ and telling me what a mistake it was and how much he loves me and that it will never happen again. He fucking stuck his tongue down some other girl’s throat. God, men are such bastards. I bet she was prettier than me.”
“I doubt that,” I choked out, my heart and mind both racing. I didn’t know how to handle this situation. How do you console a friend who is, unbeknownst to her, crushed because of something you did?
“And you know what the worst thing is? He wouldn’t even tell me who it was. He just kept saying that it didn’t matter and that it would only make it worse if I knew. Well, it fucking matters to me, dammit!” She punched her pillow and I bit my lip as she began crying again.
“It was me,” I spat out. Immediately after I said it, my hand flew to my mouth as though that could protect me from the ramifications of what I’d just done. I had no idea why I had just admitted that to her. This was not the best time for my conscience to be making a cameo experience.
“What?” Bianca’s voice was nearly inaudible as she stared at me incredulously, appearing completely unable to believe what I had just said. Seeing no way to backpedal out of this, I repeated it.
“It was me.”
“You?”
I just nodded as she continued to stare at me in utter disbelief.
“That’s not funny, Taylor,” she finally said.
“I’m not kidding.”
“What...how...why...how could you do that?” she finally screeched, face reddening in horror.
“I don’t know, it just happened!” I exclaimed, throwing my hands up in surrender. I then made the mistake of trying to explain my way out of the situation. “We were at Central Park and...and you guys weren’t together at the time, so...um...God, I’m sorry you had to find out like this, B. I wanted to tell you, I really did.”
The room was silent again and I felt like dying right then and their as Bianca and I just stared at each other. I could see in her eyes that she was feeling the first real hatred she had ever had for me. I felt like shit. Complete and total shit.
“Get out of my sight,” she finally muttered bitterly.
“But, B-“ I tried to object.
“Leave before I say something I regret, Taylor. Get away from me now.”
I stared at her for a moment more, a tear sliding down my cheek, then turned towards the door and walked away, fearing that I had just lost the best friend I’d ever had.
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