Part One �“ Wonders Never Cease
When I was a kid, I always used to fantasize about my wedding, like most little girls do. I would think about what kind of dress I would wear and who would be there, and who my bridesmaids would be. That last part wasn’t too difficult since I only really had one friend, so I figured it would be her and any number of cousins I needed to fill the gap between my one friend and however many groomsmen my husband had. And I always assumed that I would be that one friend’s maid of honor too. I never, ever in a million years thought that I wouldn’t even find out about her engagement from her.
It had been four years since I had lost my closest, and only, friend in the world. She had been my best friend since we were kids, we were inseparable, she meant everything to me. And somehow we let it all get fucked up over some guy. I still don’t know how that happened.
Okay, I know how it happened. I made out with her slut of a boyfriend. That was pretty shitty of me. But to be fair, he wasn’t actually her boyfriend at the time. They had broken up. And I apologized and it sucked, but I don’t think I ever deserved to be disowned as the world’s worst friend over it. Unfortunately, Bianca is a drama queen and that’s what happened.
I mean, we made up to some extent. We started hanging out some again, and she doesn’t hate me any more. But we were never as close as we used to be, and when we graduated college, she stayed in New York and I moved to Boston and…we were already grown apart, so it isn’t a surprise that we don’t exactly talk on the phone every day. Or every week. Or even every month.
But I’m still in shock, sitting here, staring at the magazine in front of me, and seeing the ring glittering on my former best friend’s finger and the headline announcing that she is engaged to the previously mentioned slut of a boyfriend. Shocked that they’re engaged, and even more shocked that she didn’t bother to tell me.
“Holy mother of…shit,” I mutter, completely dumbfounded at what I’m seeing in front of me.
My boyfriend, who’s sitting next to me on the couch reading some ridiculously thick book for one of his graduate English classes, glances over at me, raising his eyebrows.
“Holy mother of shit?” he repeats. “What does that mean? Is she like…the patron saint of shit or something? Or is this a Jewish thing?”
I roll my eyes at him, not bothering to say anything as I pass the magazine over to him. He looks at it for a second and it isn’t long before his eyes widen and he understands my shock. “Shit!” he exclaims.
“I know!”
“I did not know that Heidi Klum was pregnant again.”
“Jake! My oldest friend is engaged, and I’m finding out about it by reading In Touch. This is not a time for jokes.”
“You’re right,” he agrees.
He puts the magazine down on the coffee table and puts his arm around me. I snuggle up against him, trying to find comfort in this moment where so many feelings are overwhelming me. I don’t know why it’s such a big deal. I haven’t even spoken to Bianca in months, I don’t know why it surprises me that she hasn’t called me to tell me she’s engaged. It shouldn’t. Why should she tell me? I’m not her best friend anymore. I haven’t been for several years now. That doesn’t usually hurt anymore, but it hurts right now.
I feel like I would still tell her if I were getting married. I called her when I got into law school. I called her when I decided to live in sin, as my mother puts it, and move in with Jake. Whenever something good or bad happens to me, I still want to tell her. I guess I don’t understand why after all these years, she still doesn’t want that kind of relationship with me. I don’t understand how my one mistake four years ago, after 15 years of friendship, warrants her desire to apparently not have me in her life at all.
“It’s weird, huh?” Jake finally says to me after several minutes of silence. He’s used to me just getting in my own head and sitting here saying nothing, and he doesn’t even to react to the way I jump a little at his voice.
“Yeah,” I mutter. “It’s really weird. I can’t believe she didn’t tell me.”
“I can’t believe she’s marrying that dipshit.”
I can’t help laughing at that comment. Jake has never been a fan of the man Bianca’s going to marry, who also happens to be my brother’s best friend and one of the biggest stars in the world. I can’t say I really blame him. He met Justin at a time when he wasn’t exactly a stellar example of maturity and character.
“Honestly, I’m a little surprised too,” I admit. “Not cause there’s anything wrong with Justin, I mean he’s a good guy overall.”
“The best. Who doesn’t love a guy who cheats on his girl and breaks up friendships?”
“But I guess I didn’t ever really see them making it in the long run,” I continue, ignoring his snide remark. “I mean, from what I’ve gathered the past few years they’ve never really been stable. On again, off again, all of that stuff. Not like us.”
Jake grins at this comment and places a kiss on my forehead, pulling me closer to him affectionately. “Yeah.”
I smile up at him, glad that I met him when I did. He has been the only constant in my life since Bianca disappeared from that role, and I’m grateful for it. When I imagine my wedding now, he’s always the one who’s standing across from me. I would never tell him that, tends to freak the men folk out, that sort of thing, but it’s true. When I think about it now, it starts to bum me out again, though. Because I don’t know anymore who will be standing next to me to witness the happiest day of my life.
* * *
I’m in the middle of a really bizarre dream involving me delivering Heidi Klum’s baby, when I suddenly hear a distinctly familiar sound in the background of the delivery room. The phone’s ringing, but I can’t figure out where it’s coming from and I’m just kind of walking around in circles while nurses are telling Heidi to push. It’s all very confusing, until Jake’s voice wakes me up and I realize that the phone is really ringing.
“Tay,” he whispers, nudging me just enough to make me stir. “It’s for you.”
“Hmmm?” I groan. I roll over to look at him and he’s holding the phone out to me. I’m not sure what time it is, but it’s definitely still pitch black outside, so I can say that it is too late for anyone to be calling me. Or too early, I guess.
“Hello?” I say into the phone, my grogginess apparent in my voice.
“Taylor? Hey, I’m sorry, did I wake you up?”
“Yes, you fucking woke me up, bitch,” I want to say, but I don’t. I don’t really know what to say because I’ve just realized that Bianca is calling me for the first time in a months and I want to be pissed at her for choosing to do it in the middle of the night, but I can’t figure out if it’s worth it or not.
“Ummm…yeah, kind of,” I finally manage to stutter.
“I’m sorry.”
“It’s fine. What’s up?”
“I…well…I have some really good news and I really want to share it with you. I’m so sorry for calling so late, I just…I couldn’t sleep and I needed to tell you, so…I’m sorry.”
“Okay.”
That’s all I say, and I wait for her to tell me what I know she called to tell me. I briefly consider telling her that I already know, partly because she’s taking a really long time to say anything and I’m tired, and partly because I want her to feel bad that I had to find out from a trashy magazine. I then realize that I have no idea when I became so bitter towards Bianca. I could have sworn I’d forgiven her years ago in exactly the same way I always wished she’d forgive me.
“Well…what’s up?” I finally ask after a good few minutes of silence.
“Um…well…” I can tell she’s nervous by the way she’s stammering. Bianca is so rarely under confident, it’s almost unsettling. Like talking to myself. A blonder, prettier version of myself. “Well, Justin and I just went on this really great vacation to Greece a couple of weeks ago, and he took me out to dinner on this boat one night, and it was really beautiful and romantic, and…well, he proposed. And I said yes.”
It’s odd the way she says it. I always thought when Bianca told me she was getting married, she’d be bubbly and happy and excited, barely able to contain herself, like she is on the most ordinary of days. But she doesn’t seem happy or excited. She’s speaking with a kind of trepidation, like she’s terrified of what I’m going to say. Like she thinks I’m not going to approve or I’m not going to be happy for her or something.
“That’s great!” I exclaim as enthusiastically as I can under the circumstances. “I’m really happy for you. Congratulations!”
“Really?” She sounds relieved.
“Of course, why wouldn’t I be? I want you to be happy, and if he makes you happy…it’s great!”
“He does. He really does make me happy, and I’ve been waiting for this a long time.” I can hear her voice relaxing even more now that she’s over the hurdle of telling me.
“Good. I’m glad.” I’m a little surprised that this time, it’s actually true.
“Thanks, Taylor. That means a lot.”
There’s a short silence again, and I consider saying I need to go back to sleep, but before I can Bianca jumps in again, and this time the hesitance and lack of confidence is back in her voice.
“So, I was wondering, and you can say ‘no’ if you want to, I’ll totally understand, but…I’d really like it if you would…be my maid of honor.”
I honestly, literally, completely have no idea what to say in this moment. It’s like, okay, when you were a kid, did you ever really, really, really want something and every time you asked your parents they’d say “no?” But you just keep asking, because you’re a kid and you’re obnoxious like that? And then one day, they say “yes” and you don’t know what to do with yourself. It’s like you’d almost forgotten that they might say yes and you never prepared yourself for the possibility, you only prepared yourself for the likelihood that they would reject your desires. That’s how I feel right now.
“Oh,” is all I can think to say at first.
“Like I said, I’ll totally understand if you don’t want to, I know we’ve grown apart a lot, but…you’re the only girl who’s known me since I was really little and you’re the only one who was there with me when things with Justin started and, I don’t know…it just feels like it should be you, Taylor.”
I don’t really have a choice, do I? I have to say yes. So I do.
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