Part Five – Speak Now Or...
It seems like forever before my brother finally shows up. Justin is passed out on the floor about 30 seconds after I stand up to call Abe, so I'm just standing there fidgeting, and waiting for him to show up. I run the events of the last few minutes over and over in my head, and I all I can do is just mutter profanities to myself again and again.
Finally, the elevator doors slide open and Abe is next to us in two long strides. He kneels down next to Justin, and without a word, pulls him up to a standing position and starts fishing through his pockets for his key card.
“What the hell?” I whisper harshly, trying to keep my voice down for the sake of the other guests on the floor, but express my exasperation at the same time. “Where have you been?”
“It's a long story,” Abe says, and I can tell he's exhausted by the tone of his voice. “I'll explain it to you later. Aha!”
He finally finds the key card, and looking behind us, realizes that we are standing right in front of the door. Part of me wonders why I didn't think of this in the first place and just get Justin to bed myself, but given the circumstances, I have to say that I am glad I kept my distance.
Abe unlocks the door and helps Justin into the room. I just stand in the doorway awkwardly, not really knowing what else to do as I watch my brother help him into bed the way I did with Bianca not too long ago. Just as he's about to leave Justin's bedside, I hear Justin say something, and Abe turns to look at him abruptly.
“What?” Abe asks, sounding surprised at whatever it is he thinks he just heard Justin say.
“Tay. So pretty. And her lips taste so good.”
He says it all in his mumbled drunken way, but it's loud enough that I can hear it from the doorway and I freeze as Abe turns to look at me in shock, and then back at Justin.
“Okay, buddy,” is all he says. “Go to sleep. I'm gonna go now.”
“'Kay,” Justin mumbles.
Abraham walks away silently, grabbing my arm as he passes me and pulls me out of the room. He doesn't say a word, but it's that deathly kind of silence that I grew used to from my father as a child. It's that kind of silence where you almost wish he'd just start yelling at you instead, because you know he's not saying anything because he's so mad he doesn't know what to say.
He remains quiet as we ride the elevator two floors to where our rooms are located, and as we get off he follows me to me my room, and stands there with his arms folded until I open the door and let him come in with me. It isn't until the door is safely closed behind us that he says anything, and when he does, I'm more than a little thrown by how calm he sounds.
“Do you want to explain to me why Justin knows how your lips taste?”
No. No I don't.
“He's drunk, he doesn't know what he's saying,” is all I can think to say in response. I can tell by the look on my brother's face that he is not convinced. He just frowns and raises an eyebrow at me.
“Really, Taylor?” he says in that tone that clearly asks, “Do you seriously think I am that stupid?”
I do not seriously think he's that stupid, but a girl can hope.
“Well, yeah. He really is drunk. You saw the guy. What did you guys do tonight anyway?”
I am well aware that the “changing the subject” tactic is unlikely to work in this situation, but like I said, a girl can hope. Right?
Abe sits down on my bed wearily, and I can see his exhaustion in his face. I'm exhausted too. A glance at the clock tells me that it is nearly 4 am and I have a feeling neither of us are going to get any sleep until he feels like all of his questions are sufficiently answered.
“Come on, Taylor. The more you avoid the question, the more convinced I am that you're hiding something. Will you just tell me what is going on, please?”
“Fine,” I sigh, sinking down next to him on the bed. “Didn't you ever wonder why Bianca and I stopped talking in college?”
“Not really.” He shrugs. “I guess I always just assumed you grew apart. That happens a lot when people get older.”
I literally cannot stop myself from rolling my eyes at him. Men. So oblivious. “Yeah, but...it was Bianca and me. Did you really think we were the grow apart type of friendship? She was literally my only friend in the world for most of my childhood.”
“Okay,” he concedes slowly. “So why did you stop talking then?”
“It's kind of a long story, but there was a time when she and Justin were on a break, and he and I...well...we kind of kissed a couple of times, but it wasn't that big of a deal, he got back together with her and then she found out and...well, she found out because I told her, but...I don't know, it all just kind of blew up in my face. So...yeah. That's what happened.”
“Okay. And that's it?”
“That's not enough?”
“No, it's plenty. But that was four years ago, and Justin has never given me any indication that he has feelings for you, or wants you, or that he even has eyes for anyone other than Bianca. So, I guess I just wonder why he would say it now, unless something else has happened?” Abe finishes with a shrug, like this is the most natural conversation he's ever had. It's weird.
I mimic his shrug, really not wanting to admit to him what happened tonight, but feeling like I don't really have much of a choice at this point.
“He was drunk,” I reiterate. “People say a lot of weird things when they're drunk.”
He gives me that look again, silently telling me that he is sick of my shenanigans and I need to just tell him the truth, the whole truth, and nothing but the truth, so help me God. I silently thank my lucky stars that I will never be up against my brother in court, because if I were, I would lose. Badly.
“Fine,” I sigh in defeat. “I really don't know what's going on with him. College really was the last time anything happened between us, and I got together with Jake shortly after and Justin and I, well...I don't know if you've noticed, but we haven't exactly been friendly the last few years. But, I don't know, when I found him in the hall tonight, he...he tried to kiss me.”
I say the last few words as quickly as possible, part of me hoping that if I say them fast enough, Abe won't really hear them or understand them. No such luck.
“Tried?” he repeats, skeptically. I hate him a little bit right now, I'm not gonna lie.
“Well...he did. But I pushed him away as quickly as I could, and then I called you to come help me. That's it. That's everything, I swear.”
Abraham just sits quietly, taking in what I've told him and all that he's heard tonight, a thoughtful expression on his face. I catch myself holding my breath waiting for him to respond. There is a very good reason I've never told my brother any of this before now. He was always the kind of brother who would cut any guy who hurt his little sister, and I didn't want to be responsible for him murdering his best friend. It seems like ages before he says anything.
“Okay,” is all he finally chooses to say, and then he stands up and walks towards the door. I am too dumbfounded to respond. “'Night, Tay. I'll see you tomorrow.”
Before I know it he's gone, and I am sitting alone on my bed, tired beyond all belief, but too confused by what just happened to fall asleep.
* * *
I don't get more than a few hours of sleep that night. Every time I manage to fall asleep I have some sort of nightmare related to the events of the evening: I'm watching Abe beat Justin up and I can't stop him no matter how hard I try, I'm at Bianca's wedding and Justin doesn't show up and she blames me, I'm in a room making out with Justin and Jake walks in and finds us and dumps me on the spot. It's kind of like torture, and I wake up every time one of my dreams finishes. Around 10 am, I finally give up on sleeping and drag myself out of bed and into the shower. I have a vague memory of Bianca telling me that we have an 11 am pedicure appointment today anyway.
Just as I'm getting out of the shower, I hear a knock on the door. I wrap a towel around myself and hurry to look through the peephole. I see Leahs' brown eyes gazing back at me, and I am grateful that it's her and not Bianca. Or Justin. Or Abe. I open the door and she immediately offers me a Starbucks cup.
“Triple grande nonfat caramel macchiato,” she says. “Right?”
“Oh my god, yes,” I breathe. Nothing has ever sounded to so good to me as that does right now. I need caffeine. “Thank you so much. Come on in, I'm just gonna go throw some clothes on.”
I leave the bathroom door slightly ajar so that I can still hear Leah as I slip in to get dressed.
“Did you get home okay last night?” I ask her as I pull on a pair of jeans.
“Yeah, I did. It was a little bit of an adventure trying to figure out where the hell Shannon actually lives when she kept falling asleep, but once I got her home it was smooth sailing from there,” Leah laughs.
“That's good,” I chuckle in response. I throw on a sweater over the black tank top I'm wearing and emerge back into the main part of the room to join her.
“So, Abe told me what happened last night,” Leah ventures as I settle next to her on my bed and take a much needed sip of my coffee. It doesn't surprise me that he told her. They are married after all. But I was hoping that this would not be the subject of my first conversation of the day today. I appreciate the fact that she doesn't wait for me to respond and rather just asks, “Are you okay?”
“I guess,” I shrug. “I don't know, I mean...I guess I had sort of hoped that time in my life where I had to deal with what happened with Justin was over, and it was. That's what I get for letting him in again I guess. Give him an inch and he takes a mile.”
Leah doesn't say anything in response. She just nods, gives me a sympathetic smile, and rubs my back lightly. I knew there was a reason I liked her.
“How did Abe seem when he told you?” I ask. Maybe he saved his anger for venting to his wife after he left my room.
“Weirdly calm.” Or maybe not. “It almost worried me a little.”
“Right?!” I exclaim, glad that there is someone who can understand where I'm coming from on this subject. “He didn't raise his voice or anything. He just said, 'okay,' and left. Do you think I should be worried?”
“I'm not sure yet,” Leah sighs. “You know, sometimes he's quiet just because he's thinking things over. And I think if you had told him the first time you and Justin kissed, he probably would have punched him out, but...the guy's getting married tomorrow. I'm not sure Abe knows how to handle it. He doesn't know if he should say something or just consider last night a drunken indiscretion and keep his mouth shut.”
“Yeah. Yeah, I can see that.” I frown and furrow my brow, thinking this over. To be honest, I'm not totally convinced. There's a big part of me that is still expecting Abe to explode at any moment, and I'm a little worried about when that moment will come. I guess I can only hope.
“Anyway,” Leah segues, rubbing my arm sympathetically. “We should go see if we can get Bianca going. I brought her her skinny vanilla latte just before I came over her and she wasn't even dressed yet. We don't have that long to get the two of you down to the spa.”
I reach over and pull her in for a hug. I don't expect it to be a long one, but the moment she's hugging me back I realize how much I need this. I need a friend, a sister, to just hug me and tell me it will be okay. I give her a squeeze and whisper, “Thanks, Leah.”
She smiles as I pull back. “For what?”
“For everything. For helping make everything that needs to happen happen even though you're not even in the bridal party.”
“Well, I'm the best man's wife, so I'm sort of part of the bridal party by marriage,” she laughs. “And anyway, what else am I going to do with myself?”
“I know, but...I just want you to know I appreciate it. And I appreciate you being here for me too. You know, on a more personal level.”
“That's what sisters are for,” she tells me with a wink. “And I know that this all can't be easy for you, and I just want you to know that whatever happens in the next couple of days, I'm here for you. If you need to pull me aside for a talk or a hug or whatever, don't hesitate.”
“Cool. I won't.”
“Good.” She stands up and offers a hand to help pull me up off the bed as well. “Now let's go get Bianca and get you girls some pretty toes.”
* * *
I have never in my life seen Bianca Hampton looking as awful as she does this morning. She is still beautiful, of course, because Bianca's the kind of girl who couldn't be ugly if she tried. But when Leah and I get back to her room, we find her dressed, but laying on her bed face down in the pillows. By the time we get her out of the room and down to the spa, she's awake, but the bags under her eyes and paleness of her skin make it clear that she had a rough night.
“I feel like death,” Bianca groans, leaning nearly all of her weight onto me as we get off the elevator. It's a good thing I've been working out. “Why did you guys let me drink so much last night?”
“Because that's what you do at a bachelorette party?” I offer with a laugh. I'm trying not to force it and to just be natural and normal, but it's not easy. I feel certain that she's going to know something's wrong.
“Yeah, but now I'm going to look like hell at my rehearsal dinner,” she whines.
“Oh, you'll be fine by then,” Leah assures her, running around to her other side to try and take some of the burden off of me. “After your pedicure you can get some rest and we'll make sure your make up looks awesome and by tonight, no one will even know you had a sip of alcohol last night. I promise.”
“Ugh, I won't have time to rest, I have to meet with the caterers one last time, and make sure everything's ready to go tomorrow and-”
“Hey,” I cut her off. “Let Leah and I take care of all that. All you need to do for the next two days is relax and be beautiful and happy.”
“And get married,” Leah points out with a grin. “No big deal.”
“Yeah,” I choke out awkwardly. “And get married.”
Leah gives me a sympathetic, apologetic look. I know she didn't mean to open up a can of worms, but given the fact that I currently have a constant stream of inner dialogue happening about whether or not to tell my friend that her fiance kissed me, told me he misses me, and then proceeded to tell my brother that I'm pretty and my lips taste good two nights before her wedding, I can't say I'm too happy about the constant reminders of said impending nuptials.
Bianca just gives us both a weak smile and nods in response.
“Okay.” Leah slips back out from under Bianca's arm as we approach the spa entrance. “You girls have fun and I will see you in an hour. I'm going to go make sure Abe isn't going crazy with all of his best manly duties.”
She gives us both hugs, pausing to whisper, “good luck,” in my ear and within moments Bianca and I are alone with two nail technicians working on our toes.
It's a strange feeling. Almost awkward. I remember the days when Bianca and I rarely ever had silence between us and even when we did, it was always that comfortable kind of silence. The good kind where you know everything's okay and your friendship is strong enough that you can just be. Even with any improvements we've made during the course of my maid of honorship, we still aren't there again. So for a while, we both just read our magazines and relax. Bianca is the first one to break the silence.
“Taylor?”
She sounds tentative, not usually a word I would use to describe Bianca.
“Yeah?” I look up from my copy of People to find her looking at me with a look I don't recognize. Maybe it's fear? I'm not sure. Whatever it is, it's a look I never saw from 10-years-ago Bianca.
“Do you remember the conversation we had when we got back to my room last night?”
“Yeah,” I reply slowly, a little surprised that she is bringing this up. I honestly didn't think she would remember. Or at least I hoped she wouldn't. “I'm surprised that you do, though.”
“Well, I don't...I mean I do, vaguely, but...that question I asked you. You know, about whether I should marry Justin? You said 'yes' right?”
I look right into her eyes, because I'm still not used to this new Bianca – the one who has all the insecurities and uncertainties. I guess sometimes this is what happens when we grow up and life gets more complicated, but it's a little sad to me in a way. I miss the old Bianca. I miss the fearless girl who brought me out of my shell and spent her whole childhood trying to rid me of my insecurities and uncertainties. It still feels weird being on the other side of this friendship.
“I mean...yeah,” I hesitate a little, not sure what to say now any more than I was last night, probably even more so in light of recent events. And it's a little awkward having this conversation while a stranger massages my feet. “If you love him, then yes, of course you should marry him.”
“Right.”
She nods, biting her lip and we're both silent again for a few minutes. I try to focus back on my brainless magazine, but I can see her out of the side of my eye staring off into space, clearly still thinking about the big question, so I put the magazine back down and look at her.
“Where is this coming from?” I finally ask and her eyes snap back to me. “I mean, are you really doubting? Did something happen?”
“No, no, nothing happened.” She shakes her head vehemently, but I can see tears welling up in her eyes. I grab her hand instinctively. “I love him, I do, and I want to marry him, but...I'm just scared. What if...what if he doesn't love me? What if he leaves? What if-”
“Bianca,” I cut her off, squeezing the life out of her hand in the process. “Justin loves you. He does. You're just scared because you're about to make a huge commitment. It's normal. Everyone gets scared. Don't worry. You're okay. You're good. You're making the right decision.”
I don't know if I'm saying it out of guilt, or if I really mean it, but it all just comes out before I really have time to think about it. Bianca's tears spill over and she reaches over to hug me awkwardly over the arms of our pedicure chairs.
“Ma'am,” one of the technicians says, sounding irritated at the movement.
“Sorry,” Bianca apologizes, moving back to the middle of her chair and wiping her eyes. “You're right, Taylor. Thanks. You're a good friend.”
I just smile and nod. There's a good possibility that I am actually the worst friend ever.
* * *
By the time we get out of the pedicure, I have had another good 45-minutes to ruminate on whether or not I am the world's worst friend for letting Bianca think marrying Justin is a good idea even though he tried to kiss me. I've gone from unsure of what to do, to sure I should tell her, to scared of how she'll react, to just plain pissed off, and I've managed to do it all in complete silence while a woman paints my toes what Bianca considers to be the perfect shade of red.
When Leah meets us outside of the spa, I pull her aside while Bianca pulls out Justin's credit card to pay for the pedicures. I've decided what I need to do.
“Hey, where are the guys?” I ask her urgently.
“Uh, they went back to their rooms I think.” Leah frowns. I know she can see it in my face, that look of determination I learned so well from Bianca by probably the 7th grade. “What's up?”
“I need to go talk to Justin. Will you help Bianca with whatever she needs and tell her I'll meet you guys at the rehearsal?”
“Okay,” Leah agrees hesitantly. “Are you sure this is a good idea?”
“Leah,” I sigh. “My best friend in the world keeps asking me if she should marry this guy and I keep telling her yes. I can't keep doing that in clear conscience until I know for sure what the hell is going on in his little pea brain.”
My sister-in-law doesn't say a word, she just nods and smiles in her understanding way. I mouth a silent “thank you” to her and run towards the elevator as fast as I can.
When I reach Justin's room, I pound on the door a little more loudly than I originally intended. There's no answer so I try again.
“Justin! Open up!”
The moment the words leave my mouth, the door swings open and I am face to face with a shirtless, confused Justin Timberlake.
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