Years from now on Justin wouldn’t even remember this day and everything that went down. It was like he was in a haze, like it was all a dream. He couldn’t focus, he couldn’t keep his mind clear, and the headache just made it worse. He knew there were lots of meetings, but he was too out of it to even pay attention. Johnny sat with him for hours going through his plan on damage control together with Ken, but he just left it all up to them.

-“Just do whatever you feel appropriate, I don’t care” he shrugged, and if they didn’t know him as well as they did, they would have confused his state of mind with indifference.

-“Maybe you should go away somewhere for a while, get your mind together, get some peace…” Johnny suggested, but he shook his head.

-“Nah, I’ve got a tour coming up in three weeks time, I need rehearsal”

-“We can delay the tour, Justin”

-“No, this is the last tour before she’s born, and I’m not planning on going back on the road for a while after that.”

They knew better than to question his decision, they both just nodded in agreement. 

He didn’t say a word the whole car ride home, and Johnny didn’t try to get him to talk either. His head was resting on the window, and he had his eyes closed. A lot of images went through his head, but he didn’t know how to collect them and make sense out of them, it was all a mess of thoughts, pictures and conversations with no real beginning or end.

He couldn’t allow himself to fall apart, who’d take care of Jordan then? He needed to be the strong one, he needed to step up and become the man he always hoped he would be, and he needed to do it now.

He ducked down automatically when he saw all the paparazzi outside his driveway. He kept the hood of his sweater over his head to avoid the flashes. He blocked out the shouting and yelling from the hundreds of photographers standing there, all of them hoping for a statement or a comment, or at least a facial expression they could make up a story about, but they got nothing.  

As he walked into his house he had no idea who would still be there, and he was relieved to find her walking towards him in the foyer.

-“Justin, I…”she started, but she didn’t get any further before he threw his arms around her and held her tight.

-“It’s over, Jordan” he whispered, and even though they both knew that wasn’t exactly true, that’s what they needed to believe right now.

-“What happened?” she asked, holding his face in her hands, examining it closely for clues as to what he was feeling right now. But then she saw his eyes widen while looking behind her, and she closed her eyes and sighed.

-“Hello, J” She heard the voice behind her and let Justin go. He looked from Jess to Jordan then back to Jess, his mouth still open, and his eyes doing nothing to hide what was obviously an unpleasant surprise.

-“Yes, J, I’ve been here for pretty much…” she glanced at her watch. “…half an hour, but nobody in this damn house has the decency to even talk to me. You don’t pick up your phone, you don’t return my calls, the press is on me like crazy about what you have done, and I don’t even know what to say, because you’re not talking to me! What the hell happened last night?”

He pushed Jordan gently to the side and walked over to Jess, grabbing her arm and leading her to his bedroom. He had no idea what to say to her, so after he pushed her down to sit on the bed he started pacing around the room and said the only thing he had been thinking since he saw her in his house.

-“You shouldn’t have come here, Jess….”

-“What was I supposed to do? Do you even understand that this situation affects me too? We’ve hardly spoken since Europe, and I don’t know why, because as far as I know we had a wonderful time there. Then you’re back in your shell, not talking to me, not calling me… Last week when I came over and waited for you to come home, you just went straight into your room and told Trace to ask me to leave! You don’t go around doing things like that to people you’re supposed to care about!”

She gesticulated with her hands and her voice got louder, and all he could do was sigh.

-“I don’t need this right now, Jess…” he ran a hand tiredly through his hair.

-“You don’t need this? I don’t give a shit what you need!”

He looked up at her surprised; he had never heard her swear before but she had never talked to him like that before either. If he wasn’t so damn exhausted mentally he would have admired her guts.

-“Jess…” he sighed again, but she held a hand up to stop him. She got up from the bed and walked closer to him.

-“What happened last night? Why did you hit that guy? Who was it?” She asked, leaning in close. She didn’t have her signature heels on and she only reached his shoulders, but somehow she still seemed threatening to him. He took a step back.

-“I can’t talk about it. I wish I could, but it’s not my story to tell. Let’s just say the guy rubbed me the wrong way…”

She groaned loudly.

-“God, Justin! Stop being such an asshole! I have been so fucking understanding these last months and the least you can do is let me in and talk to me!”

There was the swearing again…He couldn’t get himself to look in her eyes, he knew she was right.

-“Listen, baby, give me some time here…Jordan and I need to…”

-“Jordan and I? You’re more a boyfriend to her than you are to me! Yes, I know very well she is carrying your child, I get reminded of that everyday just looking through a magazine or have paparazzi yelling out nasty things for me to hear. The public thinks I’m pathetic for staying with you, and frankly I’m starting to agree with them.”

He felt a lump in his stomach; at the moment she was the only stability he had in his life, and losing her would take him away from his old world and tie him up in this new one that was so hard to deal with. He didn’t wanne lose her, but he knew it was all for selfish reasons. She didn’t deserve the way he treated her, she had accepted more than she ever should have, and he was grateful for that, but he needed to stop.

-“Maybe this isn’t working anymore, Jess.” He looked down at her and into her eyes for the first time.

-“Maybe not. At least when I’m the only one who makes any kind of effort here.”

-“You don’t understand, she needs me right now, she’s going through some serious shit…”

-“Of course she is!” Jess sighed angrily. “And you feel much more responsibility towards her than me, I get that even though I don’t understand it. Tell me something, Justin, are you sleeping with her?”

He closed his eyes slowly and his hand went up to cover his face. Why did she have to ask that today? If she had asked this yesterday he could have denied it without lying. Truth was; he had never felt that he had been unfaithful to Jess. It was his distorted brain that had convinced him that this wasn’t cheating. Hell, he felt more like he was cheating on Jordan every time he touched Jess. And now he couldn’t decide what to tell her so his facial expression did all the telling for him.

He opened his eyes again just to shut them quick as he felt her hand against his cheek and the burning of the skin right after. Had she actually hit him? He touched his cheek with his fingers, still in shock.

-“FUCK YOU; JUSTIN!” she screamed and pushed him hard against the wall as she stumped out and slammed the door behind her. He wanted to call her name, but his voice wasn’t functioning. Instead he threw himself on the bed and started crying. He couldn’t take anymore, he was at rock bottom and he still didn’t know how to get up. He felt his breathing become irregular and he popped in a xanax just in case, before he continued to let himself cry.

He couldn’t handle it, he couldn’t handle the next thing to happen, it never seemed to stop! He wanted to just hide in his bedroom until everything was fine again, until his life was back to where he wanted it, where it used to be. 

He didn’t hear her come in, but he felt her hand on his arm. He pulled her down to him and buried his face in her lap, and she just sat there quietly stroking his hair. He grabbed her hand and held it tight as he let it all out, he couldn’t pretend to be strong anymore, he needed some comfort as well. 

She let her hand run through his hair over and over again while thinking about how she had ruined his life. In the few months time since he met her he had gone from happy to a total mess. And it was all the aftermath of her previous life. She was a curse to everyone that got to know her, how the hell would she be able to take care of a child? What if she ruined her daughter’s life too?

She had completely messed up this lovely guy who was now lying in her lap crying his heart out. When he finally calmed down she needed to ask him what had been on her mind all day.

-“What happened, Justin? Did you meet him?” she whispered.

He looked up at her with teary eyes.

-“He’s gone, Jordan. He’s out of our lives for good!”

-“How…?”He stopped her by shaking his head.

-“Can we…? I know it’s not….Do you think maybe…we could take tonight and not talk about things? Just be as normal as possible? Just for a few hours pretend nothing happened, and then tomorrow we can start dealing with it again? Just for tonight…? I don’t know if I can handle more…I just need to get this out of my head for a little while…I think it may explode soon….I just…”

-“Hush…” she said looking at him pleading, and crawled down in his arms as she kissed his forehead. “Of course we can. Don’t worry, baby, take your time.”   

-“I’m just gonna take Jordan home. You can stay here with Trace, mom, I need to be alone with her. We just need to spend some time together tonight.” It wasn’t that he felt he needed to take care of her right now, he needed just as much for her to take care of him.

-“Of course, Jus. I think that is the best thing to do right now. I’ll be here tomorrow, and then we need to talk about what to do. She’s going to need more than you or I could give her, she needs someone professional. But I’ll stay for as long as you need me to. You need to get some help yourself, you’re falling apart and that’s good for no one.”

-“Yeah, I…Not now…”

-“We’ll talk tomorrow” she gave him a long hug and ruffled his hair as she smiled bravely. “So, Trace, should I make my famous roast for you tonight?”

Trace laughed lightly.

-“Sounds heavenly! And then we can watch a sappy movie and drink some wine. How does that sound?” he took her arm and guided her into the living room.

-“Like the perfect date! Paul better watch out!”Justin couldn’t help but chuckle when he grabbed his bag and walked out to the car waiting. 

The car driving them had black windows and a chauffer and as they drove up towards her house they knew the decision was right; the gate was crowded with more photographers than he had ever seen outside the red carpet. They were banging on the doors like animals, and the flashes could still be felt through the windows.  

When they got in they stopped and listened to the silence from the house, embracing the quiet atmosphere. He put an arm around her and smiled.

-“The best sound in the world”

She smiled back.

-“Should we maybe order some food? Are you hungry?”

He was starving, he hadn’t eaten all day.

-“Yeah, what are you up for? Pizza?”

She shrugged.

-“Why not? Pepperoni?”

-“Sure” He went to grab his phone from his pocket, but suddenly remembered he had thrown it out of the car the previous night. She giggled and handed him her phone.

-“I’m just going to take a shower and get changed” 

The pizza box was empty and he put her feet in his lap and started to rub them. She moaned.

-“God, that feels good!”

He laughed.

-“I heard it’s a father-to-be’s job to rub the mothers feet.”

-“It should be! And you’re just starting with it now? Shame on you!”

-“I’ll make up for it.” He continued the rubbing and she continued the moaning. He felt something stir inside as he watched her with her eyes closed, smiling in pleasure. He let his fingers tickle her ankles and his hand moved further up her leg, all the way up to her knees and down again.

-“You know, you’re a lot different than I thought when I first met you….” He started.

-“Yeah? How?”

-“I don’t know… I remember when you came over to me at the Oscar’s, I was so star struck, I had no idea what to say to you. I must have acted like an idiot.”

-“You were cute! I watched you from afar, and you looked so uncomfortable. I just wanted to talk to you, to see what kind of person you were. You seemed so different.”

-“It wasn’t too much talking, though…” he said and she opened her eyes and looked at him.

-“I do know that I totally came on to you. And I do know the only reason you took me to your room was because of who I am.”

He didn’t say anything for a while.

-“I was definitely attracted to you, but I did find it strange that a woman like you would come on to me like that. You made me curious. But you seemed cold, like you weren’t really present, that you were on some kind of mission.” There, he said it. Would she be offended?

-“I was very different back then, Justin.” she sighed. “And yeah, I basically wanted a warm body for the night, and you were there, you were cute, you were available… There was a time when all I could think of was myself. And then something happened, and I was forced to care about others. I know this was probably the worst thing that could happen to you, but looking back at it I think it was the best thing to ever happen to me.” She said silently. He grabbed her hand and squeezed it tight.

-“Don’t ever think I don’t want this child. Of course it didn’t happen the way any of us wanted, but now I can’t wait. Time has gone by, and the thought of becoming a father is growing on me every day. I’m ready for this, Jordan” He looked at her with the most serious eyes and she just fell deeper.

They were both silent for a while and his hands continued to rub her feet.

-“Can you play something?” she suddenly asked.

-“Uhm… I don’t…I guess…How is your piano working?”

-“I don’t use it much, but it should be tuned…” she shrugged.He got up and walked towards the white piano in the corner. As he sat down he turned around to her and patted the seat next to him. She smiled and slowly made her way over.

He looked so concentrated when he let his fingers rune over the keys, biting his lip and squinting his eyes to get the right sound and the feeling back in his fingers.

-“So what do you want me to play?” he asked when he was ready.

-“I don’t know…One of yours?”

-“Any specific request?”

-“Anything but ‘SexyBack’…” she smiled and he laughed lightly.

-“Fine, we’ll skip that one.”He started with Rock Your Body and watched her smile throughout his performance. He continued with Chop Me Up which made her laugh.

-“How do you get away with lyrics like that?” she chuckled when he was done. It was so great to watch him play, being in his element, forgetting about everything else. “Any chance of Senorita?” She put her head on his shoulder and he kissed her forehead as he played a slow, stripped down version for her.

Somehow both of them intentionally stayed away from songs with lyrics that could be taken the wrong way. The whole night had been kept light, and that’s how they both wanted it. He played, she listened, and it was just perfect. She wanted so badly to ask him about his meeting with her father, his fight with Jess, how he wanted to handle this whole situation…But she had promised him to wait one day, and she agreed that it felt good to take her mind off things for a while. Reality would soon enough come back into their lives, tonight they would just enjoy each other, no questions asked, no demands made, no future plans decided…

-“Tell me about your childhood” she said after they got back to the couch.

-“What do you want to know? It was pretty eventful, it was all about the music and the parties, it has all been pretty much documented by the press”

-“Did you have lots of girlfriends?” she smiled cheekily.

-“I guess…In the beginning I liked to play the fields, but as I became a little older I realized I was a relationship kind of guy”

She smiled and nodded.

-“I can see that. How was it not going to school like other kids, though?”

-“I don’t know. I don’t know how it would have been like if I did. I’ve wondered sometimes, but I wouldn’t trade anything in. I had to mature quickly, but I had the right people with me as I did. I was lucky.”

-“You must have had. You know what, Justin; you amaze me. This person you are, this person you have become… I don’t think you understand how great you are” she said seriously.

-“I wish I could be stronger…” he looked down. “I wish I could give you what you need, to fix you, to…”

-“It’s not your job to fix me, Justin”

-“I know, I just…”

-“No. You have been nothing but wonderful, but I need to fix things myself. It’s not for you to do, but I know you want to and I love you for that, but it’s not your responsibility.” She sat up and put a hand on his cheek. “I know we are not supposed to talk about this tonight, but I need you to understand that you are taking on too much here. We met by accident, we ended up in this situation by accident… I can take care of myself, I need to take care of myself, and you need to stop worrying about me and live your life. I’ve dealt with this for so many years, it’s not a new thing. I don’t want to be the one to ruin your career, your future, your relationships…It’s not worth it, Justin.”

He looked in her eyes and shook his head.

-“You’re wrong” he said as he took her face in his palms and kissed her softly. Not to calm her down, not to get her to talk, and not to comfort her. But because he wanted to.