She listened to her messages on her voice mail as soon as she left Justin’s hotel room. It was 34, most of them congratulating her on her Oscar, 90% of them from former friends or colleges who just wanted to be part of the party. One was even from her father, asking her to dinner to celebrate. Like that was gonna happen. The rest were from Leo, inviting her over, wondering why she had left the party so early. She deleted them all, sighing as she got into her own room, just a few floors up from Justin’s. She was glad she had decided to come to his room instead of bringing him here, then she could at least leave when she felt like it. She didn’t like sleeping alone, but she didn’t like waking up with a stranger in the morning. Not that there was anything wrong with Justin, he was a sweet guy, that’s why she went home with him in the first place. And he wasn’t too bad in bed, she was at least close to enjoying it, but sex for her had always been just a way to not be alone, the only way to get someone to stay a little longer. At one point during the sex she had a feeling he knew she was faking it, but that couldn’t be. She was a fucking Oscar winning actress, she had done this both in movies and in real life numerous times, and so far no one had caught her. Who cared, anyway, he was probably waking up smiling because he had fucked Jordan Callister.  

She looked at herself in the mirror, glad that no one was there to see it. Her make-up from yesterday felt dry on her face and she put some eye make-up remover on a pad and swiped it over one of her eyes. She stopped and stared at herself; she looked completely different without eye liner and mascara. She looked tired and worn out.

She removed the make-up from her other eye, zipping down her dress and pulling on a sweat suit. She went back to the mirror and looked at herself again.

She had dark circles under her eyes, had she really been drinking that much last night? She pulled the pins out of her hair and watched it fall down.This is me, she was thinking. This is the real me, and if anyone saw it they wouldn’t look at me twice. She felt her shoulders starting to shake, and she quickly regained herself. She hadn’t cried for years, and she wasn’t about to start.

She brought out the coke from her hand bag again, but quickly decided not to. It was supposed to be something to get her through difficult nights; she wasn’t going to get addicted to it. 

She left her image in the mirror, throwing herself face down on the bed. She knew it was just minutes until her manager called, getting her up for all the interviews she was about to do today. It was fine, though, she could handle it; it came with the job. 

She was right; her manager Jack Barrington called her after half an hour of being in bed with a pillow over her head, trying to stop thinking.

-“Jack, darling, what’s up” she sounded delighted to hear from him.

-“J, we got a long day, I’ll pick you up in an hour, okay?”

-“Sure, I’ll be ready! Read the papers yet?” she asked, knowing that was the first thing he did in the morning.

-“Yeah, they’re all praising you as usual. There were some rumours of you and that Justin Timberlake guy, though, saying you left the after-party early together…?”

-“Oh, tabloids, always making a big deal out of everything! I just talked to the poor guy, after all we both won an Oscar for the same movie, not much of a juicy love story!”

-“Don’t get me wrong, I’m not nagging you for it, he’s a guy with a lot of cred in the music industry, he’s not the worst one you could date”

-“Sorry to disappoint you, but we were just talking. I left early because I was tired; it had been a long day after all”

-“Sure, I understand. But you know the tabloids are gonna be even more on your case about who you’re dating after this award? They are still wondering about you and Leo.”

-“Yeah, well, they can wonder as much as they like, I’m in bed alone right now!”

At least she wasn’t lying about that.

-“All right, J, I gotta go, see you soon, okay?”  

She slowly got up from bed, ready to put on her make-up and another designer outfit again. This was going to be a long day.Her PA knocked on the door a minute later.

-“Jordan, you up?”She opened the door to let her in.

-“Morning, Monica” she smiled brightly as she continued with her make-up.

-“I didn’t get a chance to congratulate you last night! That was so amazing! And so well deserved, if I may add.” She gave her a hug. Jordan felt a bit awkward, but hugged her back and patted her back.

-“Thank you, Mon, it was an amazing night! I just couldn’t believe it!”

-“It must have been the biggest night of your life, right?”

-“Oh, definitely, I can’t imagine what could top this!”

-“And Leo as well, he must be thrilled!”

Jordan hadn’t really given his award much thought.

-“Yeah, he’s…thrilled”

-“So, ready for being worshipped all day?” she smiled sweetly. She liked this girl, she could even have become friends with her, if she had any intention of making friends.

-“People are gonna be kissing my ass today, aren’t they? I’ll just enjoy it as long as it lasts” Jordan laughed.

-“Jack mentioned you got a few offers in this morning as well”

-“Really, who from?” she was eager to start working again.

-“Well, one of them was Oceans 13, Clooney requested you” she said excitedly.

-“I don’t do sequels. What else?”

-“I’ll let Jack tell you, he hates it if I beat him to it. Talking about Jack, we better get going; he has a limo waiting for us downstairs.” 

They walked into the lobby, Jordan had huge sunglasses on, but it didn’t stop her from getting recognised. Soon she had a bunch of people standing around her, wanting things from her. She signed a few autographs and posed for some pictures before heading for the door.

Suddenly she caught a glimpse of Justin in the corner of her eye, but she pretended not to notice him. She didn’t want to ignore him, but she didn’t have time to stop and do the polite chatting right now. He was a grown man; he knew what last night was all about.

She felt his gaze on her as she stepped into the limo.    

-“So, Miss Callister, how did you celebrate last night?” the 5th reporter of the day asked her.

-“I had a few glasses of champagne with some friends, and then I got home to get some sleep.” She said the same as she had to all the others.

-“And Leo DeCaprio getting one as well, makes you the golden couple in Hollywood, doesn’t it?”She laughed lightly.

-“I know where you’re going, but Leo is just a good friend. I was really happy for him last night, as he was for me, but it’s nothing more between us.”

-“So, how ‘bout the rumours of you and Justin Timberlake? Any truth in that?”She laughed again

-“If I had been with all the guys the tabloids are linking me to, I’d been the worlds biggest slut!” She felt a bit nauseous as she said it, knowing most of the stories had a degree of truth in them.

-“So, you’re a single woman now, then?”

-“I am, and I’m happy to be. I really don’t have time for a relationship at the moment”

-“Yeah, I can see that, you’ve done 5 movies in the last two years. Hard work is not a big deal for you?”

-“I grew up with both parents working two jobs to get me through school, so it kinda runs in the family”

-“Since you brought up your family; the papers have written a lot about you and your dad not being on speaking terms since your mother died seven years ago…”J

ordan looked over at Jack who was standing in the corner watching the whole interview. She suddenly stood up and started walking away.

-“Miss Callister… Jordan…!” the reporter called after her. Monica quickly led her out of the room. Jack approached him looking angry.

-“Toby, you knew damn well you were not to ask her about that!”

-“She fucking brought it up!”

-“No, she specifically wrote in her contract that this issue was off limit! You fucking blew it, Toby!”

-“Come on, the tabloids has been writing about this for over a year, she had to expect…”

-“not in an interview, you jerk!” Jack left the room as well, trying to catch up with the girls. Jordan was already back in the limo.

-“J., come on…” he just said as he saw her expression.

-“Just cancel the rest of the interviews, I’m going home.”

-“Jordan…” Monica started

-“Don’t! I’m done! I wanne go home!” She tried to sound less angry than she felt, but it wasn’t that easy.

All the reporters were well informed not to ask about her relationship with her dad, but every now and then, someone always did. And every time she would cut the interview short, walking out like a right diva bitch. She couldn’t help it, it just made her see red. It was none of their fucking business.  

She finally got home to her huge house, just in time to say goodbye to the maid who was done for the day.

-“Congratulations on the Oscar, miss Callister” she said in a Spanish accent and Jordan smiled.

-“Thank you, Carmen, I appreciate that”She walked into the empty house, looking around. It felt like she hadn’t been here for so long, but it had only been a week.

 She walked into the living room, curling up on the couch. She put the different scripts in front her, trying to decide her next project. It was hard concentrating when everything was so quiet around her.

She got up to get her i-pod and connected it to her stereo. She just put it on random, and she laughed when the first song was “Sexy Back”. She touched her hips and raised her shirt to look at her body in the mirror. She hadn’t worked out in two weeks, and it showed.  She stood sideways and judged herself; whoever he wrote the song for must have looked a lot better than she did at the moment.

  She continued to read scripts, throwing most of them away. She kept a couple from directors she admired, but she was in no state to make decisions tonight. She walked into the kitchen, looking in the fridge. She couldn’t find anything she wanted, so she took out a bottle of Chablis and opened it just as the phone rang. She looked at the caller id, it was Leo.

-“Baby, how are you?” he asked

-“I’m okay, just done with the interviews. You?”

-“Yeah, I’m done as well. Wathcha doing?”

-“Reading scripts, listening to music, drinking Chablis…”

-“Want company?”

-“Sure, can you bring food, I’ve got nothing”

-“Yeah, I’ll be there in an hour”She didn’t have to be alone now, she was content with that. The house wouldn’t se

em as empty anymore; he would be there to fill it. She went back to the living room, using the remote to turn up the volume. It was playing John Mayer’s “Waiting On The World” and she started dancing around with the bottle in her hand. Now, that was a man she hadn’t slept with. Why was that? Maybe she should give Jack a call and fix her a date with him. Nah, he was a bit boring, wasn’t he? Whatever, she could wait until she had a chance to meet him, then make the decision.

She opened the door for Leo when he arrived, carrying a bag of take-away food. That was all she ate, she hadn’t had a home made meal since her mother killed herself. Thai food, that was good, though.

Leo tried to kiss her, but she moved her head so his lips ended on her cheek instead.

-“What happened to you last night? I tried to call you all night!” he said as he walked into the kitchen, laying the food out on plates.

-“I was exhausted, I needed sleep”

-“Yeah, not much sleep we got the night before” he laughed softly and kissed her forehead. She put her arms around him

-“I was so happy to see you win, though”He smiled

-“Ditto! Just got a bit ruined by the other winner who was all over you last night”She knew he was referring to Justin.

-“I know what was written”

-“So do I. What’s the truth?”

-“Why are you asking?” She got a bit defensive.

-“Jordan, please, don’t be like this! I know we’re not exclusive, I just wanne know!”

-“What do you wanne know, Leo? I fucked him, okay? Does that make you feel better, knowing about it?”

She was sitting down on the kitchen chair now.

-“No, it doesn’t! I don’t understand you, you’re not letting me in, you’re so fucking cold, we’ve been sleeping together for what…? A year? And you’re still keeping me on an arms length! I hate you telling me about other men you are sleeping with, but I can’t do anything about it! You’ve got me under your spell, Jordan, and you’re using it for all it’s worth! I wanne be with you, I’ve wanted that ever since I met you, but you’re not giving me any oxygen to breathe, you’re just pulling me along, playing with me! What do you want from me, Jordan?”

She couldn’t say anything. He was right, but she couldn’t admit it. She didn’t want him to leave, that’s all she knew at the moment. She pulled him to her again, kissing him slowly, letting her hands run up his back.

-“Leo, I’m sorry. You know I’m not ready to be in a relationship, but you also know how much I care about you…”

He shook her off.

-“You don’t, Jordan, you don’t care about me. You don’t care about anyone! You don’t actually care about anything! And I can’t deal with this anymore!”He started to walk towards the door.

-“What? You’re breaking up with me?” she asked stunned. This had never happened before.

-“We’re not together, remember? Which you so eloquently point out every time we are together!”He slammed the door behind him, and she was all alone again.

She felt a bit numb, and she walked out of the kitchen with a plate of food in her hand. She sat down in the couch again, trying to eat. She heard the sounds from Josh Rouse’s “Sad Eyes” and she closed her eyes tightly to avoid the tears. That song always got to her, for some reason. She pressed skip on the remote. She took up her cell phone scrolling down the list of contacts. The only names there were people who worked for her, or people she had worked with. There was no one to call.

She threw her cell into the wall, and it broke. She laughed a little. Jack would go crazy if he didn’t get a hold of her tomorrow.

Suddenly the music stopped. Oh, how she hated the hidden tracks on cd’s, always fucked up the Ipod with several minutes of silence. She was just about to press skip again when she heard a sound.

What was that? Was someone in here? She froze. She silently slid off the couch, keeping her back against the wall. She knew very well that she had the best security system money could buy, but she couldn’t shake off the fear she felt every time she heard a sound. She stood completely still, just listening for another sound. The music started playing again, making her jump.

Suddenly she started running, she ran as fast as she could up the stairs, pressing a code on the wall and jumping in to the room where the door had opened, pressing another button to close it quickly. She looked around inside the room. This was her own panic room that she got built three years ago. It was as small as a closet, fire proof and bullet proof, and it contained only a fridge with supplies to last a few days, a pillow and a blanket. No one knew about this room except Monica. And that was just by accident.

She could feel the shaking in her body, and knew exactly what was coming. She grabbed a pill from her pocket, swallowing it with a bottle of water. It took a few minutes to work, though, and she felt her breathing become irregular and her heart beating like a drum. She grabbed a paper bag and started breathing into it, trying to slow it down, but it didn’t work this time. She ended up hyper ventilating on the floor, shaking so hard that she hurt her elbows. In the end the xanax started to do it’s trick, and she went into a daze, but at least she was breathing normally. One day she would end up dying in here, she thought, and no one would find her.She fell asleep on the floor with her head on the pillow and the blanket covering her body. Sometimes she wondered if she spent more nights here than in her own bed.