The bed was empty when he woke up the next morning, and the first thought that crossed his mind was when the hell did he fall asleep? He had been tossing and turning all night, noticing she had done the same, but somewhere along the line he must have caved into his much needed sleep, letting her crawl out of bed unnoticed. 

He pulled on some sweats and didn’t bother with anything else, and made his way downstairs. He stumbled a little; a mixture between the alcohol consumed last night and the tiredness that threatened to take over his brain activity. His head was spinning, and he did what he usually did lately; he blocked it all out. 

He walked out by the pool to see if she was there, and made his way towards the kitchen when she was nowhere to be found. He heard the voices before he got there, but it was too late to run up and change for this unexpected company. Damn this big house! 

When he appeared in the door they all stopped their discussion mid-sentence and looked at him.

-“Uhm..Morning…” he mumbled, recognizing Jordan’s personal assistant and a guy he was sure was her agent. He ignored them and walked over to Jordan, wrapping his arms around her from behind and kissed her cheek. He noticed the stare from Monica, her eyes rolling up and down his body with a smirk, and he suddenly felt very naked. 

-“Justin, I’m Jack” the agent said and shook his hand, not able to completely hide the surprise from his encounter with Jordan. Well, fuck off, he didn’t care. 

-“Damage control?” he whispered to her and smiled while opening her cupboard to retrieve the rest of the Scotch from last night, filling up a glass and taking a large sip before sighing content. Again not caring about the looks from the three people standing awkwardly around, shuffling their feet. 

-“Ehrm, so…” Jack started, looking between Justin and Jordan. “Justin, I’ve just gotten off the phone with Johnny” 

-“Why?” he said loud, sounding more harsh than he intended. 

-“We need to agree how to address this…situation…, and…” he looked at Jordan hesitantly for help. She turned around and faced him, and he finally noticed the dark circles under her eyes and the lifeless expression. She looked down and shrugged helplessly to Jack, and he instantly knew something was going on. 

-“What’s your suggestion?” he asked, making sure they all knew no decisions would be made without his consent. 

-“I’ve got an appearance on Oprah tomorrow” she said silently, looking up at him for a second before facing down again. 

-“You…You what?” he asked, feeling the flavour of the whiskey in his throat, threatening to come out the same way it got in.  

-“Yeah, I’m…Tomorrow…” 

-“Was this already planned, is this…?” 

-“No, they want my story, they’ll shuffle things around, make room…” 

-“How the fuck long have you been up for? Organizing this shit without even fucking conferring with me? Th’fuck are you gonna talk about?” His frustration was showing, and Jordan winced as the two others took a step back. 

-“I need to get this out, J, I need the world to know…” 

He grabbed her hand and dragged her into the living room, away from the prying intruders.  

-“You’re not doing this for me, Jordan” he said, putting both hands to her face and she looked at him with an expression that confirmed that was exactly why she was doing it. “I don’t need you to do that!” 

-“I know. But I’m doing it” she confirmed, taking his hands off her face. Something about her voice told him she had made up her mind, but he’d still try to change it. 

-“Don’t do it” he shook his head. “If you do this you can never go back. This will be with you forever” 

-“It already is” she whispered. “Don’t you see that? It already is!” She turned and walked back into the kitchen, and he reluctantly followed. He wished he had a functioning brain right now. He wished he could think rationally. But he was empty. Nothing came to mind. No pro’s, no con’s. Nothing. Just emptiness. He filled up his glass again. 

-“Do what the fuck you want, but don’t fucking blame me when it all falls down on you” he mumbled. She turned around quickly and put a hand on his chest for distance. 

-“I’ve never ‘fucking blamed’ you for anything, Justin! Don’t start on me! What the hell is your problem? You wanted me to confer you first? Like you had the courtesy to do that to me yesterday? No! You did what you had to do, regardless of me, and now I’m the one who’s calling the shots for me. You do what you want to do, and I’ll do what I want  to do!” 

Her voice was firmer than he had heard in a long time, and he didn’t know how to answer. Maybe she was right. Maybe not. He couldn’t think. He had to get out of there. He pushed her hand away and walked out of the room slamming the door behind him, needing to make some point, not at all knowing what.  

-“You sure about this?” Jack asked her as Justin left. 

-“I am. I’m doing this. Nevermind him” she shrugged, sounding more sure than she was. She hadn’t expected this reaction from him, but then again she never knew what to expect from him. She wanted to run after him, to explain, to talk, to rekindle… But she couldn’t run after him anymore, she couldn’t let herself be dictated by him. She needed to stand up, for herself, for her baby, for him… Whether he liked it or not… 

-“I’m…You know I’m not very good at this stuff, but…I’m sorry…I’m sorry I never knew, I’m sorry it ever happened, I’m…” 

-“Thanks” she stopped him, not at all ready to talk to other people about this yet. Funny, as she was a day away from telling the world… 

-“Jack, we should go” Monica suddenly said, receiving the eyes from both. “We’ll stay in touch by phone” Jordan was just about to answer when she heard the front door slam shut, and she turned towards the sound. 

-“Let me just…” she started before rushing out of the room and out on the courtyard. 

-“Do not walk out on me, Justin!” she yelled with anger, watching his back as he turned. 

-“You’ve got it covered, honey!” he yelled back. “You do what you want!” 

She ran towards him and caught him just as he was about to enter his car. 

-“I don’t know what your deal is, I don’t know what’s happening in your head today, but I need you. I need you right now. And I know you’re confused, and I can see you’re angry, but I need you for this. I need you to have my back” 

He stopped whatever he was doing and sighed into the door of his car, hanging his head, breathing hard. She wasn’t affected. Not even when he banged his fist into the window. She didn’t even jump.  

-“You should have talked to me” he started. 

-“I am now. I did as soon as you woke up. You’re not the only one I have, Justin, I have to be able to discuss this with my people without you throwing a fit. Just like you did” 

-“I just don’t understand…” He started to raise his voice and she hushed him before she pushed him into the back of the car, climbing in herself before she shut the door. 

-“I don’t know how close they are, how much they’ll hear” she explained, talking about all the paparazzi they knew were lurking around the area. 

-“I think it’s better if you stay low” he sighed. 

-“I don’t. I was up thinking for a long time last night, and I can’t go on like this. Not when there is someone else involved, not when I’m soon supposed to be a mom. What kind of example would I set for my daughter if I can’t face my own history?” 

He nodded slowly and looked out of the window.  

-“What do you think she will think when she reads about this in the future?” he asked silently. 

-“Hopefully that she has a brave mother. And how lucky she is to have a loving father.” She looked at him, pleading for understanding, but he didn’t look back at her. 

-“If this is what you need…” 

-“It is…” 

-“I though I was what you needed” He almost spat his words out, and she snapped her head up confused. 

-“Is that what this is? Your need to play a knight in shining armour? Really, Justin? You’re the one and only thing to ‘save’ me?” She did the quotation marks in the air, but since he didn’t look at her he didn’t notice. “Cause that’s just fucked up! That’s not the foundation we need. You can’t be my one and all. We’re not even a couple” 

-“Jesus, we’re back to that now?” he mumbled through his teeth, and she just knew he was going back into that angry trance that she had witnessed several times the last few weeks. 

-“No, we’re not. You’re not listening. You’re not even sober enough at 11 in the morning to have a normal conversation.” She knew as soon as the words passed her lips that it was the wrong thing to say, and his head snapped back and she got reacquainted with those piercing eyes that let her know he was about to explode on her. 

-“You’re really going there? You? Miss fucking Cocaine? You’re actually judging me for having a fucking drink right now? Like I haven’t fucking earned the right?” 

She sighed and started to step out of the car, knowing there was no way to talk to him now. 

-“I’m sorry, Justin, I shouldn’t question you, you are right. Do your thing, whatever helps you” she said, her voice defeated, but he wasn’t quite finish. 

-“Oh, are you playing the martyr now? Because I took a glass of fucking Scotch this morning, you can go tell fucking Oprah what no kid should ever know about her mother?” He jumped out on the other side of the car and watched her starting to walk back to the house. “And now you’re just leaving, mid conversation?” 

-“I can’t talk to you, Justin” she shook her head, but never turned around. He got in the front seat and spun the car around to drive out of the gate. 

……………………………………………. 

He walked into his own house and straight into his kitchen, where he obviously broke up a conversation between Trace and his mom. Yeah, he could only imagine what they were talking about. Both went silent and looked at him. 

-“Justin… Are you okay, baby?” Lynn asked and he shrugged. 

-“You really need to ask?” He went straight to a bottle on the counter and opened it. Not bothering to find a glass he took a sip from the bottle. 

-“Things not good with you and Jordan?” Trace said warily, careful not to piss him off in the state he was obviously in. 

He didn’t answer, just shrugged again.  

-“Johnny stopped by with a new phone for you” 

He grabbed it from her hands and put it in his pocket, grabbing his jacket and another sip. 

-“Are you going somewhere?” Trace asked. 

-“Jus, please stay, talk to me, you’re scaring me” his mom pleaded. 

-“Nothing to be scared about. I’m going to rehersal” He was out the door before they could question him anymore. 

…………………………………… 

He was sitting in the corner watching tight bodies do sexy dance step, and that was all he could concentrate on. He had joined in now and then, but he wasn’t in the dancing mood, and he knew all the steps already anyway. He didn’t need to be here, he knew that, but laying his eyes on all the gorgeous asses made for a nice change in his brain.

He particularly noticed this cute brunette sway her hips while sometimes looking back at him with a flirty smile. He couldn’t remember her from earlier rehersals, and he had no idea why. Maybe his mind had been pre-occupied. Maybe it was time to release it.  

He smiled back at her, winking cheekily. He usually tried to stay away from his dancers, most of all to avoid the awkwardness when they had to dry hump each other on stage for weeks after he was done with her. And sometimes they got clingy… 

Really? He laughed to himself. He used to worry about that? Fuck, that was his biggest worry? Blowing off a slut who had fulfilled her life ambition by fucking him?  

The room started to clear out, and he knew already that she’d spend some extra time getting her stuff together, to be the last to leave. Marty stared at them both as she was far from subtle in the way she bent down to pick up her bag. She grinned at him when she saw he had his eyes just where she wanted. 

-“So, see you later, Justin” The smile was so suggestive it was almost funny. He had seen this so many times, ladies flaunting their bodies and their flirty smiles, hoping to get his attention. Well, who was he to deny a lady’s wish. 

-“Hey, wait!” he called after her. “You wanne go for a drink?”