Most of it was just a blur.

He remembered a lot of drinks, a lot of flirting, and a blowjob from the dancer inside the toilet stall. Then next thing he knew Johnny and his mother was standing there, pulling him out of the booth and the arms of the brunette, dragging him to the car.

He thought he heard Johnny telling the dancer she was fired, but he couldn’t be sure. Maybe it was just wishful thinking. He couldn’t remember flashes from cameras, so he wondered if they had taken him out the backdoor. Whatever. His image was already broken, so he should be able to have some fun. 

His head was aching when he woke up. His whole body was aching, but his head did it in rhythm. He could see some sunlight coming in through the curtains and he wondered what time it was. He rolled onto his stomach and groaned, just as the door opened and the lights in the room were turned on. He could feel someone sitting down on his bed and stroke his hair. 

-“It’s time for you to get up, sweetie” his mom said and he groaned again, trying to push his head further into the pillow. “Come on” She tugged on his arm. 

-“Leave me alone, mom” 

-“No can do” she said softly but firm. “We have a lot of talking to do” 

-“I don’t want to talk…” he mumbled. 

-“Right now I don’t care, honey. You need to grow up, okay? Right here, right now. You are going to grow up today. Do you understand me?” Her voice was tense and he looked up at her. The look in her eyes told him she meant what she said.

He nodded slowly. -“I know” 

-“And we’ll talk about what happened yesterday. I convinced Johnny to give us a couple of hours, but after that there will be a full house again. Ok?” 

-“Yeah, ok…”

  …………………………. 

He took a long shower. Mostly because he wanted to drag it out, avoid the conversation he knew his mother was supposed to have with him. It was sad, he was a grown man worried about what his moma would say. But he was, and she was right. He needed to grow up.  

He walked slowly down to the kitchen where Lynn was cooking up some eggs and bacon and he groaned when he felt his stomach calling out for it. His head was still banging like crazy, and he knew he needed some grease to get his body started again. 

-“So” she started as she put the plate in front of him, watching him shuffle it quickly into his mouth. “What is going through your mind?” Her voice was calm and warm and he looked up at her, surprised since he had expected yelling. 

-“I don’t know” he mumbled. “Nothing, really” 

-“I know its hard, J, and I know how you shut down your mind when you can’t handle arguing with yourself anymore, but it’s not okay. Not this time. It’s about so much more than just you” 

-“Have you talked to her?” 

-“Who? The mother of your unborn child, or the dancer slut you were doing last night?” 

-“Mom!” he groaned, rolling his eyes at her, trying to hide how much those words hurt him. He didn’t want to be that guy. 

-“Yeah, I talked to her. She told me how you got upset about her Oprah appearance…” 

-“I don’t want her to do it…” he said, looking down on his almost empty plate, shaking his head. 

-“Why not? I think it will be good for her. And you” 

-“I don’t” 

-“Why would you know what’s good for her? This is not a familiar situation for you. This is not about you. This is about what she thinks she needs. And how on earth will you ever be able to raise a child together if this is what happens every time you disagree on something?” 

-“Why are you not with her?” he asked, changing the subject. 

-“Because you are my son, and you need me right now. You’ll always be my first priority. And at the moment that woman is a lot more sane and collected than you are” 

-“She asked me yesterday about us… What we…If we…” He shrugged. “I don’t know” 

-“She loves you” Lynn stated, and he looked up at her surprised. 

-“No, she doesn’t. She just likes having me around” 

-“No, she loves you. I saw that in her eyes the first time I met her. Listen, I don’t know everything that has happened between you, or if anything more will. You were never together, and I don’t think you should jump into a relationship with her out of obligation, and I really don’t think she’d want you to. But no matter what, you are in this together. And you can’t continue drinking everything away, or sleep with random girls every time you get upset. It won’t go away like that. You are going to be a father, Justin. It’s time to man up and act like one” 

-“I will, I just need…” 

-“No, there’s no time for that. The way you build up your relationship now will be the foundation for the future. Don’t ruin it” 

He sighed. -“Can I fucking get just a couple of days here? Jesus, mom!” His hands rubbed his face tiredly. “I need to fucking blow off some steam, I…” 

-“Don’t you dare use that language with me!” She raised her voice. “Do not treat me like an enemy! Do you think I enjoy having to talk sense into my grown up son like this? I had hoped I had raised you to make right decisions! To be a man! You know, after the first initial disappointment I was actually proud of the way you handled this! But now…There’s a baby on the way, Justin! A baby who will read all about your actions in a few years! Who will hear about how her father ran around with women in bars while her mother was home pregnant with her! Is that what you want?” 

He felt the tears well up in his eyes, and his trembling hands went up to cover his ears. Lynn looked at him, looked at her little boy who pressed his eyes together to avoid crying, who used a child’s trick to not hear the unwanted criticism, and her heart broke. All she wanted was to hug him, let him cry in her arms like he used to do years ago, but she couldn’t let herself melt. She had to be strong to make him strong. To make him understand.  

She grabbed his wrists and pulled his hands down, not missing the trembling lips. 

-“I’ll let you get some time to start sorting your head out. Johnny will be here in half an hour” she said softly. He nodded silently as she walked out of the kitchen, leaving him alone with his dreaded thoughts again. 

 ……………………………………. 

-“We’re cancelling the tour” Johnny said firmly.

The living room was full of managers, agents, lawyers and publicists, all people he had worked with for years, but never been in a situation like this with. 

-“No” he answered, just as firm. “I’ve already told you that. I’m going through with it” 

Lynn looked at him from the doorway, amazed how he had actually pulled himself together. He still looked tired and beat, but not a complete mess like just an hour ago. He was focused and poised, faking it better than she had expected him to.  

-“It’s a done deal. You’re not going on tour. Your job right now is right here. We can’t rebuild your career without your help” 

-“It’s been two fucking days, Johnny, it’s not like I’ve lost any part of my career. There’s no need to “rebuild” it as you call it. It’s my last tour for quite a while; I owe this to my fans” 

-“You don’t owe your life, Justin! Have you even read anything that has been written? Do you even know what the world is saying about you?” 

-“That’s the last thing on my mind right now” 

-“I know you, boy. Don’t start lying to me. The fact that she’s going public with this is the best thing that could have happened to you right now. I’m not being insensitive, I’m just stating the fact. It will put the rumors to rest, and you’ll be perceived as a hero trying to protect his girlfriend and his unborn child.” 

-“She’s not my…” 

-“ The point is; you need to stay here. With her. You need to milk the shit out of this to come out on top. I don’t care if she is your girlfriend or not, but the public will. I know you hate to play the media game, but right now that is the only option” 

He sighed loudly and sat back down in the couch. Johnny was right. His mom was right. Jordan was right. But it felt so wrong.  

…………………………………….. 

It was 2 am, but there was no chance of getting any sleep. He was just laying there, on the bed, arms behind his head, staring up into the ceiling until his eyes could see every inch clearly. He tried to get rid of the emptiness in his mind. He tried to fill it up with thoughts, but it hurt so bad. It was so much easier to blank it out. 

He wondered if she was awake. If she was thinking about him. He wondered why she hadn’t called him all day. He hadn’t heard from her since he left yesterday morning. Had she heard the rumors of his time at the bar last night? Probably. According to Johnny it was already up on the net, accompanied by a blurry picture that really didn’t say anything. But she’d know. 

He wanted to call her, but he didn’t know what to say. How could he apologize when he still felt she was doing the wrong thing? She was probably in Chicago right now, ready to bare her soul on national television. Talking to the world about the most private things. And he felt sick thinking about it.  

He wondered who was there with her. Who was there for her. Because he wasn’t.  He had made her face it alone. And the sickening thing was that he knew she did it all for him.