"Grab that microphone Melissa..." Justin's voice echoed through the entire venue. We have been rehearsing for the last month, working on tour setups, set lists, lighting, wardrobe, and staging. This week we began staging "My Last Name" into the set list. At first I couldn't get used to hearing my voice echo back inside the empty venue. Now, it's as if I don't even hear the echo. Singing with him was a huge responsibility and it's a huge amount of pressure on me but I wanted to start off singing one song before I had to handle an entire crowd by myself. I wasn't even sure if I could handle that.

I remember the first morning after I arrived in L.A. Justin had his head lying in the curve of my neck on my shoulder with his arms wrapped around me. Our road's had finally came together. I wanted to lie in his arms all day but my body was telling me it was time to get up, it was still on Eastern Time, so I got up and I went to sit on the back patio and watched the sun rise up over the hills as I drank a cup of coffee.

I didn't think I would ever get used to being here or being in this house. Justin's house was enormous. I was sure there were rooms he never even walked into. The most beautiful room in the house was next to the office, it overlooked the pool and the backyard. I referred to it as the ‘white whoa' room, everything was white. The only piece of actual furniture in the room was a white grand piano. I sat down and was playing random things, I had never had an actual lesson but I enjoyed playing piano. I started playing a song that I had loved so much. A song that I'm sure most have never even heard.

"Well, I put so much thought into getting ready... Now I know that was the best part...It's so easy to get caught up in what I'm regretting...Forget what I got from a wounded heart... I'm the one who likes Gardenia... I'm the one who likes to make love on the floor... I don't want to hang up the phone yet... It's been good...Getting to know me more..." I could hear my voice echoing in this room. The sound seemed to bounce back instantly.

            Justin walks in as I am singing, I stopped. "Please don't stop on my account that sounded beautiful."

"I'm sorry did I wake you?"

"No, I was awake. What is that song?"

"I'm hurt you don't know what that song is. It's called ‘Gardenia' it was on Mandy Moore's Wild Hope album. Undoubtedly it was her best album, and one of my all time favorites."

"I honestly don't think I have ever heard that album."

"You are missing out. It's a very well written and produced album. The kind of album I want to have."

"Your album is going to be more than you could have ever imagined."

"I hope so."

            His schedule had already got really busy. With me showing up unannounced, I couldn't affect the things he needs to do. I agreed to help wherever I could. He had photo shoots all week long with interviews for nearly thirty magazines and websites.  

            Justin's manager Johnny approached him just moments after arriving at the Burbank studio. He had bad news I could read it all over his face. "I'm sorry to have to be the one to tell you this Justin but I have some bad news." Johnny pauses and gets tears in his eyes. Justin is worried now. "What's wrong? You're making me really nervous." He looked at Justin and finally in a low voice said, "Sarah... was in a car accident on the way here this morning." The silence between them was hard to bare. Johnny's voice was shaking. "They rushed her to the hospital. But she died before she made it there. I'm so sorry..." Justin nearly hits the floor. In a voice that gives me chills he says, "Oh my..." he couldn't even form a sentence. He was speechless.

"I cancelled everything today. And for the next couple days. We will work out your schedule. Don't worry about any of it."

Finally Justin breaks his silence, "Will you let me know about the services." Johnny nods his head.

            Justin was heartbroken. Sarah was his personal wardrobe stylist and she had been with him for nearly five years. She was someone that he went to for style advice, love advice, and she was just simply someone he was proud to call a friend. I had only met her once briefly while in New York. She was working the wardrobe for the tour. I could see the pain in his eyes. I felt a lump in my throat. I knew the pain he was in, I had lost someone close to me and I still feel the pain every day.       

            In the car ride back to his house, he was quiet. I reached over and held his hand. I knew that if he wanted to talk, he would. He needed time to think everything through. "I need to go to the hospital. I need to see her family."

I encouraged him that he should go. "I'm here for you. Whatever you need but if you need to do this alone I understand."

"I need you. I need you to stand next to me. I don't even know how I'm going to face these people... after all she wouldn't have been in car if it weren't for me."

"It's not your fault Justin."

"I asked her to be there early. I asked her to make sure the wardrobe that they chose would work with what we wanted for the look of the album. I shouldn't have asked her to do that."

"Justin, listen to me." I grab his hand tighter, "Nothing you could have done would change this outcome. You could have made a hundred different choices and the result would be the same. It was her time. Please don't blame this on yourself."

"I made her work late nights. I made her be away from her family. I am the reason she is gone... She's gone." He pulls into the parking garage at Cedar-Sinai. He puts his head down.

            He steps out of the car and there are paparazzi swarming around him. They are not aware of why he is here but they see that he has been crying and upset. He ignores them until one of them ask him why he cancelled all his appointments today. Why he would waste so many people's time and cancel because he was sick or whatever was his reason. Justin turns very firmly towards that guy and says, "It's people like you in the world that have no compassion who are fucking idiots. I'm standing outside of a hospital, you have no idea why I am here and you want to make snide comments. I think you need to get out of my face before I hurt you so bad you will need to make a trip inside yourself." He shoves him back out of his way. He grabs my hand and we move at a rapid pace inside.

He sees her parents and family sitting in the emergency room. They were all huddled together, crying. He stops, "This is really happening. I don't know what to say to them." I honestly don't know what to say to him. Death is not an easy subject with me. "Tell them you're sorry for their loss. Tell him how much she meant to you."

            He slowly walked towards them. Sarah's mother approaches Justin. He hugs her and says, "I'm so sorry. I still can't believe that this has happened." She can barely speak. "I can't believe my little girl is gone. She is really gone." The tears start to roll down my face. I can't bear to see him in this kind of pain. There is nothing in the world I can do to take this pain away.

The next few days were a blur. Justin spent a lot of the time being very quiet, but not distant from me. We stayed in bed a lot, just lying there in each other's arms. Then there were times he would tell stories of crazy things they would do while on tour.  How her fiancé had just proposed to her a couple months ago. She was planning on a fall wedding this year, just a small simple ceremony with her closest friends and family. She had finally found someone that treated her the way she should be treated.

I knew that talking about the great times that they had together was the only thing we could do to get through this. Lying in bed I am thinking he was going to experience more pain tomorrow, when he actually sees her, that is when the pain is unbearable. That is when reality will set in that she is really gone. Having to leave the funeral home and know that she is there all alone. She is all by herself in the dark. She hates to be alone. My thoughts of turned to my experience with loosing Megan. I couldn't believe that this had all just happened. I couldn't wrap my thoughts around the idea that I would never see her smile again, to hear her complain about something, to hear that laugh again.

When I had walked through those doors of the funeral home the night before the first viewing I wasn't expected to see her. I was designated to drop off the dress for her and I walked around the corner and there she was. I felt my knees buckle underneath me and lose control of my whole body. That is the moment I realized how real it all was. She was really the one laying there, she had really died.

I jump out of bed and run downstairs, I am sobbing. All the pain and emotions were flooding back to me. This was not the time to have an emotional breakdown dealing with my past. I needed to be strong for Justin. He is the one that needs the comforting right now. I reached the kitchen and hit the floor. I've lost all control. I couldn't stop sobbing. I knew that I had to get myself under control. This was selfish of me.

Justin rushes into the kitchen. He didn't have any idea what was wrong with me. I was still on the floor.

"Mel, oh my god are you alright?" Justin is scared. I don't want him to have to deal with this.

"I'm ok. I just need a minute." I knew I wasn't ok but I had to get myself there very quickly.

"Is there something wrong?"

"It's just everything."

"Something I did? Why did you leave?"

"No, no it was nothing. It's just me." He is now sitting on the floor, trying to calm me down. "I'm so sorry. You must think I am really selfish and conceded. I just had too many thoughts in my head about Meg and it took over the best of me. I am so sorry. I didn't want you to have to deal with this right now. That's why I got up."

"You're far from selfish. I would never think that. I just need you to be ok."

"I am supposed to be there for you right now."

"You are here for me. And now I am here for you. Death isn't something that just goes away. Dealing with death doesn't have a timeline. It's with you every day and some days are harder to deal with. Loosing Sarah has brought up all these feelings for you... It's okay really. I would rather be here with you and deal with it than to have you deal with it on your own."

"I love you. Every day I love you even more."

"I love you to."

The night of the viewing had a lot of attendees but the services were very intimate. She was never the type of person to have kind of big event. Her previous clients and the crew she has worked with for the last five years were all there to say their final goodbyes.

Getting back to everyday things is very hard to do after a death but it's something you have to do. You have to move on with life. On the outside Justin seems to be a tough guy that doesn't let things bother him too much, but he lets things bother him way to much sometimes. Getting back to work and dealing with everyday minor drama would actually be comforting.

We arrived before the sun come up to that very same Burbank studio for some photo shoots. Justin stopped in his tracks when he realized that Johnny was walking towards him again. "I don't even want to know what is wrong today. Please go away."

"I don't have any bad news today. I wanted to make sure everything was worked out this morning before you got here."

"Was there something wrong with the shoots today?"

"No, but someone had to verify the wardrobe. I didn't want you to have to do it."

"Thank you."

"I know you don't want to do this right now or ever however I have to replace Sarah. I will call you later and see what I came up with."

            Justin knows this has to happen. "I don't want you to find someone else. I have a replacement."

"Oh, I didn't know you had made any calls about it or even thought about it."

"I want Melissa to take over for Sarah. I know that she can handle the job and I know that's what Sarah would have wanted. She loved Melissa's taste in fashion and I couldn't agree anymore."

Johnny looks surprised, "Melissa, are you interested in the job?"

"Of course." I look at Justin, "Are you sure about this?"

"I wouldn't have anyone else in that position. I think we should bring someone else on as well to help because you do have an album to record but I think you are the perfect person for the job."

"Then, Yes I will take the job."

"That settles it then." He asks Johnny "Can you find the number for Johanna Pepitone. See if she is interested?"

"Sure, I don't know where she is working now."

            I wanted to be the one to call her. So I asked Johnny to get me the number and I would contact her. When I finally got the number I called her. I had to leave her a voicemail and wait for her to return my call. She finally returned my call later that day.

"Hi Melissa, This is Johanna."

"Hi, how are you doing?"

"I'm doing ok, busy today but good." She paused and then said, "I'm sorry I don't think I know you?"

"You don't actually. I am working on the new tour and promotion for Justin Timberlake. And I know that you worked with him on the Future Sex/Love Show tour. Justin's recent personal stylist has passed away. I need someone to help me with his tour. I have a lot on my plate right now and I really need someone that knows Justin's taste and is willing to work with me to get everything perfect for this tour."

It was quiet for a moment, "Sarah died? When?"

"Yes, a little over a week ago."

"How?"

"Car accident. I'm sorry I am the one to tell you this."

"I used to be really close to her before I left Justin...It's hard to believe. I was on location all last week." She was caught up on her thoughts... "I'm sorry however I don't think I can take the job. I am currently working for ABC studios and I am under contract. I wish I could take it, I really miss everyone."

"It's fine. I will let Justin know and see if there is someone else he is interested in having on board. Again I'm sorry that a stranger had to give you that news."

            The very next day she calls me again. Fate must have stepped in because the show she was under contract with had been cancelled. She was being let out of her contract at the end of production. She took the job. Johanna and I now had a lot of work to do together and not a lot of time to do it in.