I use every ounce of force in my body and roughly shove Justin away from me, shooting him the most disgusted glare I can manage.    

"What. The. Fuck." I spit out, my hands balling into fists at my sides.     

Has he completely lost his damn mind? I mean seriously, what the hell was the point of that? And what's the deal with this 'do you love me' crap? After the beyond shitty day I've just had, the last thing I need is Justin's nonsense.    

All I wanted to do was come down here, play a song or two, then go home and stuff my face with ice cream or something. Is that too much to ask?    

Must be, because now I've got not one, but two completely fucking insane men giving me a bunch of shit.    

I honestly don't know what Lucas' problem was this morning. When we got to the studio, he seemed perfectly fine. But, as soon as he started going through my notebook, he did a complete 180. He started snapping at everything I said. According to him, none of what I've written lately was any good, maybe I'm past my prime, maybe I don't belong in the band.    

I spent the entire morning tuning him out, because I just didn't feel like arguing with him. Then, as if he wasn't being a big enough dick already, he just had to go a bring up Justin.     

If I'd had any clue that being around Justin again would cause this much drama, I'd have avoided it at all costs. But then again... my life is like one giant circus of insanity, so I really shouldn't be all that surprised.    

"Come on Madison... I heard that song. You miss me. Admit it so we can talk about this."    

As cocky as ever, ain't he?    

I mean, ok fine... he may be right, but that doesn't mean he's gotta gloat about it like an asshole. And I am so not about to stand here and tell him that he's right. His ego doesn't need that kind of ammunition.     

I don't even understand why he's doing this. He couldn't possibly want me back... could he?    

Wait a second....    

"Justin... I could have sworn that you have a girlfriend."    

He rolls his eyes and frowns, but it passes quickly. In a split second, he's on the defensive and I know I'm in for an earful. "You know what... you're right. I do have a girlfriend."    

"Oh... I guess it slipped your fucking mind?" I mutter angrily.    

I don't think anyone on the planet could piss me off the way he does.    

"No. I just thought... I thought maybe there was still a little bit of the old Madison in there somewhere, but you've changed completely and... you know what...... forget it. Have a nice night." He rolls his eyes again and moves to turn around.    

What the hell? Is he fucking bi-polar or something?    

"So, that's it then?" I call after him and he turns back around to face me. "You came all the way down here just to stir up a bunch of shit, then you take off?"

"Just taking a page out of your book, sweetheart." He smirks wickedly and I have to fight the urge to slap the shit out of him.     

I swear to Christ, I really can't handle this shit anymore.  Lucas and his mood swings, Stella screwing around with Liam, the stress of recording, Jc obsessing over our time limit, and of course Justin... well, being Justin.     

It's all getting to be a little too much and it's driving me fucking crazy.    

I'm starting to think the only sane people around here are Benny and Trace, and that's just fucking scary.        

"You know what... fine by me. Outside of the studio... I don't want to see your stupid face or hear your nasally ass voice. Stay away from me Justin." I give him one final glare and turn to climb into my car.    

"Oh trust me, with the way you run from everything, that won't be hard to do." He shakes his head and chuckles softly before heading in the other direction.    

One day, I'm going to end up in prison for killing his ass, I just know it.

*****************   

Can't make my own decisions
Or make any with precision
Well maybe you should tie me up
So I don't go where you don't want me

You say that I been changing
That I'm not just simply aging
Yeah how could that be logical?
Just keep on cramming ideas down my throat

You don't have to believe me
But the way I, way I see it
Next time you point a finger
I might have to bend it back
Or break it, break it off
Next time you point a finger
I'll point you to the mirror    

I stand behind the sound board with the rest of the band and listen to the playback, bobbing my head in time to the beat. I don't know what anybody else thinks, but it sounds pretty damn good to me.    

Then again, I may be a little biased seeing as how I wrote it.     

I keep my eyes focused on the board, not daring to look at a single face in the room, one in particular.    

After the big blow up, kissing incident the other night, I went straight home and as usual, wrote it all down. I will say one thing for Justin, his bullshit and drama seems to do good things for my creativity.

If God's the game that you're playing
Well we must get more acquainted
Because it has to be so lonely
To be the only one who's holy

It's just my humble opinion
But it's one that I believe in
You don't deserve a point of view
If the only thing you see is you

I know you don't believe me
But the way I, way I see it
Next time you point a finger
I might have to bend it back
Or break it, break it off
Next time you point a finger
I'll point you to the mirror    

"I'm impressed." Jc nods as he turns around to face us. "One take and it's almost perfect."    

"I don't know man." Justin shrugs and I'm hoping I'm not the only one who can hear the sarcasm in his tone. "Sounds a little whiney to me."    

"Kinda funny coming from the king of singing through your nose." I mutter and roll my eyes before plopping down on the couch.     

His smug, shitty little comments are a sure sign that he got the hint. Because oh yes, that one is completely about him.     

After what happened at the coffee shop, it all just kind of clicked.     

Justin is a massively self centered hypocrite.     

He's so damn quick to judge and blame me, but he's never taken a good, long, hard look at himself. I'm not saying I'm innocent in any way, shape or form, but he's just as guilty as I am. He ran away just as much as I did. He blew things off too.     

And, he doesn't seem the least bit concerned that he cheated on his girlfriend. Granted, I'd be the first in line to watch Keri suffer, but there's some shit you just don't do. And the fact that he expected me to be ok with it is mind blowing.    

I know I've changed. I think it's been for the better, but there's still a lot of shit that's the same as it's always been. And my stance on cheating and trust hasn't budged an inch.    

I just wish there was some way to slap some sense into him, make him see the things it took me so long to figure out. But, Justin's going to do whatever the hell Justin wants. Which apparently includes being a broody, bitter, miserable, vindictive little brat.     

But, that's fine. There's no point in trying to get through to somebody like that and I'm done wasting my time. He wants to be shitty and mean, I'll be just as bad.    

"Umm... I don't know what you were listening to, but it sounded just fine to me." Trace shrugs. "We could always play it again."    

"Nah, it's cool. I honestly don't think my ears could take it." Justin sighs mockingly and shakes his head. "If you guys like it, then by all means, use it. It's your album."        

"Dude... what is your fucking problem?" Lucas shoves him and a knot immediately forms in my stomach. "I get that it may not be your thing, and I'm so sorry we aren't writing some jungle chant bullshit that only makes sense to 13 year old girls, but seriously... who signs a band and shits all over them like this?"    

"Number one... you might wanna step the fuck back. Number two...I'm here to give an opinion. In case you didn't see em... there's a shit ton of platinum records and awards in the lobby, proving that I know my shit. I call em like I see em and I'm not gonna blow smoke up your ass. If it sucks, I'm going to tell you it sucks. It's called doing my job." Justin's face is turning a scary shade of red and the room is full of tension and dead silence.     

This shit only happens to me, I swear.     

"Alright then... if you two are finished with your pissing contest, we can get back to work." Stella clears her throat before marching toward the booth.     

"Oh trust me Stel... there's no contest." Lucas smirks as he grabs his guitar and follows her.     

"Hey J... those platinum records and shit are all yours, right?" Trace asks suddenly, a wicked grin planted on his face.    

"Yeah. Your point?"    

"Well... wouldn't that prove that your producers knew their shit? It's not like Keri's got any awards or platinum records up there... which would mean-"    

"Fuck off Trace." Justin mutters before retreating to the back of the room and throwing himself into a chair.     

Something tells me this may be the least fun album to record in the history of music.

********************    

"Hey... you up?" My bedroom door opens and Lucas peers in curiously.    

"Yeah." I nod slowly and toss my notebook onto the nightstand. "What's up?"    

"I was thinking we could talk... about some of the shit that's been happening the last few days."    

Great. Here we go again.     

Maybe I'm crazy, but I'm beginning to see a major pattern with him. He says something shitty, acts like an asshole for a few days, then wants to apologize. To be honest, I'm getting a little bored with it.     

Part of me understands though. If our situations were reversed, and he'd been the one in the high profile relationship with some monster star, I'd probably be acting the same way.     

Justin as a whole, isn't intimidating, but the package and notoriety he comes with, is.     

Someone who doesn't know him very well is going to see what's presented to the media and the public. An insanely talented, charming man with more money than ten people could spend in a lifetime, he's respected by 90 percent of the industry and the entire world adores him. Throw the looks, attitude and sometimes decent personality on top of that, and yeah... it's easy to see why a guy like Lucas would feel a little inferior.     

And believe me, I'm not saying Justin is better than Lucas or anything, they're just... different.    

Justin's an out going, attention whore. Lucas is much more reserved and guarded. Justin's had the world handed to him on a silver platter, practically since birth. Lucas has been busting his ass for years and is just now getting somewhere.     

I don't like it, but I understand it. So, maybe it wouldn't hurt to give him the benefit of the doubt.     

"Talk away."    

"I've been a total dick lately and I owe you a huge, huge apology." He sighs as he sits down across from me. "I know we haven't really gotten into exactly what's happening here and I know that's my fault. And really... because there's no commitment here, it's not my place to get all shitty about Justin. I just... Stella told me a lot of what went down, and sometimes you look at him like... fuck, I don't know. I just... I'm in this a lot deeper than I thought I'd be and believe it or not Madison... you've got me really fucked up. Like... I don't know what I'm doing half the time and I act like an asshole and... I'm rambling." He chuckles nervously and rolls his eyes.     

Ok, honestly... how could you not find him adorable after that?    

I know most of the time he comes across as an arrogant asshole, but then... then there's a moment like this and I can clearly see that the whole bad ass thing is just a front. It's how he protects himself and I get it. I really do. But, I don't know how much more of the hot and cold bullshit I can take.     

Because, he's sitting here saying all of this now, but what's gonna happen in a couple days when he sees or hears something he doesn't like?    

And if I'm being completely honest with myself, I'm not sure how genuine my feelings for him really are. I like him, that much I'm sure of.     

But, there's still Justin.     

Justin, who makes me want to put my fist through a wall. Justin, who, no matter how much he denies it, knows me better than anyone else on the face of the earth. I've been through hell and back with him, and I guess that's something I'm probably never going to forget.     

I want to hate him. Believe me... I would love to. But, no matter how hard I try, I just can't.     

I've spent all this time fighting it, but it's been staring me straight in the face all along.     

I love him. And I desperately want him back.     

But, I'm faced with the same exact problem I had three years ago.... he doesn't want me.     

"I can't do this." I mumble stupidly. "Lucas... I'm sorry... but I just... can't. He's... Justin's... he's it."    

His face falls and I'm quickly feeling like the biggest bitch on the planet. For once in my life, I'm confronting something head on and being honest... and I feel like absolute shit for it.     

"Why do you do this to yourself?" He laughs bitterly and rolls his eyes. "Madison... he doesn't want you. I know you don't want to hear it, but it's the fucking truth. He treats you like shit, and you're convinced you're still in love with somebody like that? I know there's a history, and I know it'll take you a long damn time to get over it, but I honestly think it's time to give it up, and I'm not just saying that for my benefit. I'm here... and I lo-care... I care about you... and maybe you're confused... but I know that somewhere in there, you feel the same exact way."    

Fuck.    

Deep down, I know he's right. He just said everything I need to hear and maybe... maybe it'll actually do me some good.     

"Just... just give me some time, alright?"    

"Take all the time you need. I'm not going anywhere." He grins before planting a kiss on my forehead and sauntering out of the room.     

Justin was a mistake from day one. I've known that all along. Maybe I need to start finally using my head.    

Maybe it's time to finally give it up and do what's best for me, rather than what I want.

"Playing God"-Paramore