You know how there’s those people who have no filter between their brain and their mouth? Like, no matter how hard they try, they can’t ever get the two to cooperate.

I’m thinking I’m one of those people.

My mouth says a lot of shit my brain tells it not to, and at the moment, my mouth is doing something that my brain knows damn well it shouldn’t.

And no, I’m not trying to be a perv, so get your mind out of the gutter.

I finally muster up the strength to pull away from him, but don’t get very far. His hands stay firmly locked around my waist, his face mere inches from mine. If I’m being totally honest, I don’t really mind being this close to him again.

“Justin… what the hell are we doing?”

“Not sure. But I kinda miss it.” He grins and my knees go a little weak.

“I’m with Lucas.” I remind him, hoping at least one of us will have the moral capacity to walk away.

“You can change that, ya know.” He mutters as he nudges my nose with his.

Yeah. I gotta get the fuck out of here, cause this has bad idea written all over it.

“I gotta go.” I mumble, doing everything I can to scramble away from him.

“Madison… don’t do this shit to me.” He closes his eyes and exhales slowly. “Do not run away from me, please. Just stay, and we’ll talk about this.”

“I…I… can’t. I gotta go Justin.” I finally manage to break free and haul ass out of the room.

As soon as the door slams shut behind me, I exhale and lean against the wall for support.

I know… you don’t have to say it.

I am well aware of the fact that I’m nothing but a fucking coward, that I never face my problems head on. I can’t even really explain it. It’s like… my brain can’t handle the pressure or something.

Or maybe, I’m just afraid of getting hurt.

I mean, that’s normal, right? Nobody jumps into a situation, like, ‘oh, I’d like to see just how much pain I can inflict on myself when I do this’, do they?

And ya know… I think I’ve finally figured out where that fear comes from.

In this business, you’re taught one very simple rule: Be thankful for what you have today, because it could very well be gone tomorrow.

I’ve tried to live by the rule, and I guess somewhere along the line, I started taking it too seriously. Suddenly, it just seemed so much easier to run, or push everything away, rather than have it taken from me.

I had to pull the rug out from under myself before someone else could.

I’m not saying it’s right, or that it’s smart. It just… is what it is.

“Hey… you alright?” I jump at the sound of his voice and look up, forcing the best smile I can.

“I’m fine. I was just…. Umm… looking for the bathroom. But yeah, totally ok.”

“You sure? You look kinda… pale.” The concerned smile on his face quickly turns into a confused frown when Justin steps into the hallway.

The boy’s got fucking impeccable timing, doesn’t he?

“Uhh… hey, Lucas. Interview went really well, eh?” He smiles, and for a second, even I’m buying his forced politeness.

But, this is Justin we’re talking about. He doesn’t do polite. Especially for someone he views as the enemy.

“Yeah, thanks man.” Lucas nods slowly. “We’ve got another one in a couple hours, so we probably need to get going.”

“Right. Right.” Justin shakes his head. “I’m just… I’ll get everybody to the van. You guys… just meet us there when you’re ready.”

“What’s his deal?” Lucas watches Justin with an amused smirk on his face.

“Couldn’t tell ya.” I shrug as he throws an arm around my shoulder and we head for the van.

Something tells me I’m going to get myself in all sorts of trouble in the very near future.

*******************************

“You alright?” Jc elbows me discreetly, concern marring his features.

“Uh, yeah. Why?”

“You’re all… twitchy.” He smirks, shooting a quick look between Justin and Lucas.

“I’m fine.” I roll my eyes, making sure to keep my gaze focused on the two of them. “And I’m not twitchy.”

Ok fine, maybe I am. But do I need Jc calling me out? That would be a big fat no.

Really, I shouldn’t be too worried. They’re just going over the set list for the showcase tomorrow night. It’s not like they can start some massive argument over that, can they?

You know what… don’t answer that.

“I love that you always seem to forget the fact that I know you better than anyone else.” He chuckles and shakes his head. “Really Madison, you’d think after almost seven years…”

“Alright fine… I’m… nervous about the showcase. Happy?”

“Nah, not really. I actually don’t think you’re worried about the showcase at all. You’ve been rehearsing this shit for weeks, and let’s face it… you’re more than used to this sort of thing. Whatever’s making you all weird… has to do with those two. Which, sorry, but I find fucking hilarious.”

“And exactly why is that?”

“Well… look at them.” He laughs and rolls his eyes.

For the first time, I actually begin to compare the two of them.

Justin, is Mr. clean cut. Designer jeans, pristine polo shirt, blindingly white sneakers. There’s a distinct air of arrogance in the way he carries himself, which isn’t exactly a new discovery, but whatever. Anytime someone passes him, he interrupts his conversation with Lucas to greet them.

Lucas, on the other hand, looks like he just rolled out of bed. His jeans are torn in several different places, his t-shirt is stained with god only knows what. Really, the only similarity is that same arrogant stance.

Apparently I have a thing for narcissists. Go figure.

“They’re complete opposites, is that your point? Cause really, I’m not getting it.”

“That is my point. Put em together Madison, and there is the perfect man for you. How I realized that before you, I’ll never know.”

“Are you checking out my ex and current boyfriends? Jace…” I giggle and shove him playfully, hoping to take some of the heat of myself.

“Oh you’re hilarious.” He mutters. “Look… just… get whatever’s going through your head figured out, ok? Cause I can tell you, those are the last two guys you wanna start playing games with.”

I frown as I look at the two of them again, and a wave of guilt washes over me. He’s right. I’m well aware of that fact.

If I started sneaking around with Justin, behind Lucas’s back, things would blow up right in my fuckin face and god only knows where we’d all end up.

But, staying with Lucas isn’t exactly helping the situation any either. The longer I’m with Lucas, the more pissy Justin seems to get. Not that he appears to care that I’m spoken for, seeing as how he can’t keep his hands or his mouth to himself.

No matter what I do, it’s gonna piss somebody off. So, ya know… nothing out of the ordinary for me.

*****************************

“Since when does the band practice without its lead singer?”

“They’re working on the arrangement for a new cover. You need something?”

“Yeah, can we talk?”

Oh joy. More talking about the retarded shit that goes on in this dysfunctional circle of people. Just what I wanted to start my day with.

I can’t honestly be the only one who’s sick to death of rehashing all the dumb shit we do. But, it’s Justin, and it’s virtually impossible to say no to him.

And that has absolutely nothing to do with the fact that I feel like a twelve year old any time he so much as looks at me. It’s simply because he refuses to hear the word no. He either annoys the shit out of you, or makes life miserable until he gets what he wants. So, usually it’s easier to just pacify him.

“Yeah, what’s up?”

“Well…the other day… we… I mean… you… you took off and we didn’t get to talk about it.”

Gee, maybe there was a reason for that? Something tells me this is going to go from bad to worse in approximately five seconds.

“Justin, I told you… I’m-”

“And I told you… you can change that. It’s pretty simple, actually.”

“Says the man who dated a chick he could barely stand, for a fucking year and a half.” I laugh bitterly and roll my eyes.

“That was different.”

“Oh really? How so?”

“You wouldn’t get it Madison. Let it go. It doesn’t even matter anymore.”

“What if it matters to me?”

Alright, I’ll admit it…from day one, I’ve been dying to know just what he saw in that lunatic. I mean, not to sound cocky or anything, but I’ve never been able to figure out how he went from me to… that.

Of all the chicks on the planet, for some reason, he had to pick her. Call me crazy, but that makes zero fucking sense.

“You wouldn’t understand, ok? It’s done and over with. You and I need to get some shit straight and it doesn’t have a damn thing to do with Keri.”

“Actually, I think it does.” I smirk as he rolls his eyes in annoyance. “You broke up with her three days ago Justin. And it took you all of two seconds to jump me. I never really believed it, but Trace always said you were miserable the whole time you were with her. I don’t know what you’re trying to pull with me, but yeah… I do think an explanation is in order.”

“Fine.” He replies through gritted teeth and folds his arms over his chest. “I stayed with her because every once in awhile, she reminded me of you.”

Is he for fucking real?

I don’t know if I should laugh or be offended.

“When you left…fuck… do you have any clue what that did to me? I had myself so convinced you were gonna come back… that you’d change your mind, and when you didn’t… I had to find something to make me feel better, and for awhile… it was her.”

Well, that’s… interesting.

“But, ya know… I knew the whole time I was being an idiot. I didn’t give a shit about her, and she wanted me just so she could one up you. I should have put a stop to it before you even came back in the picture. But… you being back is what finally kind of got my ass in gear. So, I was kind of thinking that maybe… maybe we could try to straighten ourselves out.”

How is it he always picks the absolute worst moments to do this ‘let’s get our shit together’ crap?

I mean really, it’s almost convenient that he decides to be the bigger person when my hands are already tied. Sometimes, I kind of wonder if he does it on purpose, just to see how much control he really has.

“No.”

“No? What the hell… what do you mean no?”

“Exactly what I said… no.” I shake my head before turning and hauling ass in the other direction.

Ya know… something in my gut told me this wouldn’t work. I fucking knew having Justin back in my life would cause nothing but trouble. Lo and behold, I was right.

Something in this arrangement’s got to change. Having him around constantly is sending me on a major head trip, and I’m fairly certain that I’m slowly but surely losing my fucking mind.

Or, there’s a very strong possibility that I want to do everything he’s asking me to, and I know just what kind of shit that would start, so I’m trying to avoid it completely.

Unfortunately, I’m inclined to believe the latter situation is what’s really going on.