I know exactly what you’re thinking, but I’m gonna go ahead and stop you. Because you’re wrong.

Yes, I am taking a much more laid back, grown up approach to life. However, no… it’s not for Justin’s benefit. It’s simply because it needs to happen. And, if I’m able to win Justin back in the process, then yay for me. But, that’s not the only reason for it.

As stupid as it probably sounds, this Lucas thing kind of opened my eyes. Sure, I could have gone ballistic and completely lost my shit when he broke up with me, then decided to quit the band, but honestly… what good would that have done?

Not to mention, that’s the kind of shit that pushed Justin away… surely, it would have done the same to Lucas, even if he was going to stay.

I’m not saying I’ve done some huge turnaround over night, but I’m trying.

Really, what else can I do? Trying is a pretty big step in the right direction, if ya ask me.

I’m sure you’re also probably wondering what the hell possessed me to even consider bringing Ryan back into the picture. And there’s a very simple explanation for it.

I got a second chance… Why shouldn’t he?

He put himself through rehab. So did I. He worked his ass off to get himself straightened out, just like I did. Why shouldn’t something good happen to him, the same way it did for me?

I guess I’m just trying to do what was done for me. I cleaned up my act and got another shot. Why can’t he?

And I’m not saying Justin has to hire him or anything. I just think he at least deserves the opportunity to prove himself.

 Doesn’t everybody?

 

***************************

 

 

Why do people insist on calling me before dawn?

I’m fairly certain everyone I know has made it their life mission to screw me out of sleep. Which is kind of retarded on their part, seeing as how I’m right up there with Satan when I haven’t had a decent night's sleep.

I grab my phone from the nightstand and flip it open, not even bothering to mumble out a greeting.

“My hotel room. Now.”

Justin.

Of fucking course.

If there is anyone in the world who lives to torture me, it’s him. And it’s not like-

Wait one damn minute… his hotel room? Now?

If this asshole thinks he can call me out of nowhere and demand sex, he’s… well… ok fine, yeah he can do that.

I bolt out of bed, change, and manage to apply make up in under ten minutes. Granted, I’ve definitely looked better, but do you really have to look your best for spur of the moment sex?

I stroll down the hallway casually, doing everything I can to not skip like a twelve year old girl. This has to be a good thing, right?

I mean… this… this could actually end with us getting back together. Granted, this isn’t exactly how I wanted it to happen, but I guess you take what you can get sometimes.

I reach his door and take a deep breath. I fluff out my hair, smooth the wrinkles in my shirt and knock. It takes a minute or two, but the door finally swings open. Justin doesn’t say a word. He simply turns around and heads back inside.

Ok… I may have been all excited ten seconds ago, but he is not going to get away with acting like a douche. We do this the right way, or we don’t do it at all.

I step inside and immediately feel like the world's biggest fucking idiot.

A small wooden table is pulled into the center of the room, three chairs surrounding it, two of them already occupied.

Justin is seated on one side, Ryan on the other, leaving the third for me.

Of all the awkward situations I’ve been in in my life, this just might be the ultimate. I mean, yeah… I was hoping Justin would at least interview Ryan. I just didn’t exactly plan on being part of that process.

“Have a seat Madison.” Justin smirks and I would love to slap the shit out of him. But, I’ll play nice.

I ease down into my chair and try to hide my surprise when I see a stack of what looks like contracts laying on the table. As much as I hoped for this, I really didn’t expect Justin to take it this seriously. The guy never listens to me, so I think that reaction was only natural.

“What’s going on?”

“You referred an applicant. I figured you should be here for the interview.” Justin nods, while Ryan smiles nervously.

“Really? Cause I’m pretty sure that’s not how it works.”

“Yeah well… I’m the boss. I can do whatever I want.” He laughs and rolls his eyes. “So, Ryan… what have you been doing the past… almost two years?”

“Well… I spent about four months in a rehab clinic in LA. I’ve been going to NA meetings since I got out. I’ve been renting an apartment in the city for about six months now… not the greatest place to live, but it works. I got a job playing in a house band in this shitty little dive bar…. And… that’s about it, I guess.” He shrugs. “Nothing too exciting.”

“And you’ve been clean the whole time?” Justin eyes him carefully and I’ve got a funny feeling this whole deal is resting on the answer to that question.

Which I completely understand, but… they didn’t do this to me.

 In all honesty, no one ever showed any concern about whether or not I’d relapse. It was like… everyone forgot the whole thing ever happened. I wasn’t held accountable for what I did. But Ryan is, and love him or hate him… that’s not fucking fair.

“Well… I think I’d been out of rehab three months, and I kind of screwed up one night. But that was it.” He frowns, knowing he probably just blew any chance he had. “Those meetings are just… so fucked up. It’s like… nobody there really even wants to get clean. They’re there because they have to be. And it was really fuckin hard to be the only one there who actually wanted to get their shit together.”

“So, if I asked you to take a piss test right now, it’d come back negative?”

“Absolutely.”

“Alright then. I’ll hire you… but you’re on fuckin probation. I’ve got a clause in this contract stating that I can drug test you whenever I damn well please. Once I’m satisfied with the way things are going… we’ll draw up a permanent contract.”

“Seriously? I mean… you’re not fucking with me or anything?”

“Nope. Sign here.” Justin nods and shoves the paper across the table to Ryan.

I don’t know how or why, but things are finally starting to head in a decent direction.

It’s about fuckin time.

 

*****************************

 

I jump at the sound of a loud knock and look up to find Lucas leaning against the door frame, looking everywhere but at me.

Well… this is a surprise and a fuckin half. In the two weeks since he dumped me, he hasn’t so much as uttered a single word to me. He’s been staying on the second bus, with the roadies and crew members, and honestly… the only time anyone actually sees him is while we’re on stage.

Other than that, he’s turned himself in a total hermit.

Deep down, I know this is how it’s supposed to be. I, of all people, should have known better than to get involved with someone in my band. It never fails to fuck things up.

The sad part is… it’s not like Lucas is a bad guy. Our relationship didn’t end because he was horrible to me or anything. I know it’s probably the ultimate cliché, but he’s just… misunderstood.

People look at him and see a temper, arrogance, or a bad attitude. But really… it’s determination, belief and drive. He knew exactly what he wanted, and he wasn’t going to stop until he got it. If it wasn’t for Lucas, this band would still be in Colorado, playing Fleetwood Mac covers at shitty bars every night.

Actually, I kind of admire him for what he’s accomplished in such a short time.

“You got a minute?”

“Oh.. Umm… yeah. Yeah, sure.” I scramble to move the papers laid out in front of me and quickly shove them in my guitar case.

“If not, I can come back later or something. It’s really not-”

“No, you’re fine.” I shoot him what I hope is an encouraging smile and nod. “I’ve got plenty of time.”

“Alright, well…” He clears his throat and shuffles into the room awkwardly. “I.. uhh… I talked to Justin a little while ago. He said he’s got my replacement and since we’ve… well, you guys have next week off, tonight’s gonna be my last show.”

I can do one of two things here. Tell him that I’m well aware of that fact, or, see if that’s really all he came to say.

We all know I’m a nosy ass, so guess which option I’m picking.

“Oh… umm… ok. Guess you’re pretty happy about that, right?”

“Yes. And no.” He chuckles and finally seems to relax. “You know… at first, I wanted to leave because of you. I was so fucking mad at you that I just.. I had to get out, and I really didn’t give a shit what it cost me. But, the more I thought about it, I realized it wasn’t about you at all. Somewhere along the line, I figured out that this isn’t how I wanted to do this. I mean shit… we all know I’m way too controlling to be in a band. It just took me longer than anybody else to figure it out.”

“Good thing we never accused you of being the smart one, huh?”

Ok… probably not the best time to start cracking jokes, but I’m not quite sure what else to do.

Lucas has never been this open about anything, with anyone. I mean, we didn’t even know he had a brother, for Christ sake. So this… this is a big fucking deal. Especially since I’ve gotten nothing but the silent treatment for two weeks.

“It just finally hit me that I want to go out on my own. I always did.” He nods slowly, eyes glued to the floor. “I want to prove that I can do it, just me. Ya know? And I’m sorry I didn’t tell you guys that. I spent so much time blaming you, cause it was the easy way out, and I was so fucking scared. But I just… I wanted to apologize. Prolly should have a long fuckin time ago.”

“Lucas… that’s… well… ok.” I mutter stupidly.

I’m completely friggen clueless here.

I haven’t got the slightest idea how to respond to that. It’s not like I have to apologize to him. I don’t have to explain anything. I don’t think I’ve ever been on the receiving end of a one sided apology. It’s always been me apologizing, or both people.

This is way too fuckin weird for me.

“Well, I hope it works out for you. I really do.”

Ugh. Could I sound more like a freaking hallmark card?

“You and me both.” He grins. “Cause if it doesn’t, I’m kinda fucked. But thank you.”

Call me crazy, but I wish he could have been like this from the beginning. If he had, we probably would have worked out. And I’m not just talking about the band.

Whether anyone believes it or not, I did care about him. Just not as much as I probably should have.

“Can I ask you a favor? I mean… you can say no. But Benny and Stella already said it was ok… but if you don’t want to, it’s totally fine.”

“Umm… yeah, I guess.”

“I’ve been working on some songs, and I was… I was kind of hoping I could play one tonight. Just… for some closure, I guess.” He laughs and rolls his eyes. “It’s pretty simple… but, if you don’t want to… it’s fine.”

“I’ll do it.” I nod.

And I’d be a damn liar if I said I didn’t enjoy the way his eyes light up, or the huge smile that stretches across his face.

 

*************************

 

This is it.

The crowd hasn’t got a clue, but this is really it. I didn’t expect it to be this hard. I mean, we’ve all known for weeks now. But now that the time has actually come… I’m a little heartbroken, honestly.

The four of us worked so damn hard for this. And even though I know Ryan’s going to be great, this isn’t going to be the same without Lucas.

And… if, god forbid, his solo stuff doesn’t work out… he’ll be finished. And that would be a damn shame. Music could use a hell of a lot more guys like Lucas.

“Alright… if everybody will shut the hell up for five minutes, I got some shit to say.” He grins as the house lights come up and the crowd roars. “As I’m sure everyone’s heard by now… I am leaving the band. Thanks Rolling Stone.” He rolls his eyes and laughs. “Tonight is my last show, so I want to take a minute to thank every single person who came to a show, bought the album… supported us, believed in us, told their friends about us… whatever. You all made this happen. And I thank you for it. So, uhh… it’s been fun people.”

The lights go down once again and Lucas’s voice seems to echo throughout the arena.

And as stupid as it sounds, I can’t stop the tears from forming in my eyes.

 

Loneliness pacing up and down these hallways
Second-guessing every thought
Mystified, just spinning 'round in circles
Drowning in the silent screaming with nothing left to say

Every time I reach for you, there's no one there to hold on to
Nothing left for me to miss, I'm letting go, letting go of this
Lost my mind thinking it through, the light inside has left me too
Now I know what empty is, I've had enough, I've had enough of this.

I believe that love should be a reason
To give and get back in return
I wanna breathe in a new beginning
With someone who will wrap her arms around what's left of me

Every time I reach for you, there's no one there to hold onto
Nothing left for me to miss, I'm letting go, letting go of this
Lost my mind thinking it through, the light inside has left me too
Now I know what empty is, I've had enough, I've had enough of this.

Inside I'm barely holding on
There's something that's already gone
I'm tired of being the one who's in this all alone

Every time I reach for you, there's no one there to hold on to
Nothing left for me to miss, I'm letting go of this
Lost my mind thinking it through, the light inside has left me too
Now I know what empty is, I've had enough, I've had enough of this.
Every time I reach for you, there's no one there to hold on to
Nothing left for me to miss, I'm letting go, letting go of this
Lost my mind thinking it through, the light inside has left me too
Now I know what empty is, I've had enough, had enough of this

 

Something tells me, Lucas Dawson is gonna be just fine on his own.

 

 

"Had Enough"- Lifehouse