So, I guess I should be jumping up and down right about now or something, but I’m not.
Am I glad Lucas is gone? Sure.
Granted, I didn’t know him all that well and I guess he wasn’t a bad dude, but I didn’t exactly enjoy being around the guy who was screwing my ex-girlfriend/wife.
However, having Lucas out of the picture just made room for Ryan and I’m not really sure which one’s worse.
I mean yeah, I didn’t have to hire the guy, but if Madison was willing to vouch for him after the shit he put her through, I figured there may be some truth to his story. So, we’ll wait and see what happens.
But, if he thinks I was bluffing with the random drug testing stuff, he’s dead ass wrong. I fully intend on seeing that through. Hell, I may even start testing Madison, just for the hell of it.
There’s a loud knock on my door and I can’t help but roll my eyes. I can only assume the band is just getting back from their show and Jc is coming to bitch about the venue or the promoters and god knows what else. I reluctantly slide off of the couch and head for the door.
It’s fucking midnight. Can’t these people just go to their rooms and sleep like normal human beings? I mean shit… I’m getting too damn old for this up all night garbage.
I jerk the door open and I gotta admit, I’m a little surprised to find Madison standing there.
“Yes?”
“I have a bone to pick with you.” She mutters and barges into the room without any form of an invitation.
“Ok, well… feel free to submit that to the complaint department in the morning. For now, I’d like to sleep.”
“What was that shit this morning?”
Clearly, I’m the only one concerned with how much sleep I do or do not get. Big surprise there, eh?
“Umm… what shit?”
“Oh don’t play stupid.” She rolls her eyes and begins to pace. “That ‘my hotel room now’ shit. What were you trying to pull?”
Ok… am I the only one who’s a little lost here? Cause I haven’t got the slightest fuckin clue what this crazy woman’s talking about.
Not that that’s anything out of the ordinary, but sometimes it’s nice to know why you’re getting yelled at.
“Well… I’d think it was self explanatory. I needed you in my room. Now.” I shrug and for a split second, I’m a little afraid that she’s gonna hit me.
“And you couldn’t have taken two seconds to tell me what was so important? Do you have any idea what I was…. Ok, it really doesn’t matter what I was thinking. That was just.. A really shitty thing to do!”
“What the hell did you think I wanted?”
I swear to god… you cannot fucking win with her. One day, she doesn’t give a shit what you do. The next, she’s pissed off because… who the fuck knows.
See man… I knew it was bullshit. All of that ‘oh I’m growing up, blah, blah, blah’ nonsense was pure fucking bullshit.
There isn’t a damn thing about her that’s any different.
“Are you even hearing yourself right now? You sound like a god damn idiot.”
“Don’t you dare call me an idiot!” She screeches. “How about I call you at the ass crack of dawn and demand you come to my room. Let’s see how you’d react, you prick.”
“I’d check the caller ID, see it was you and not answer, because you’d probably be calling to yell at me for some dumb shit I didn’t understand.”
“And you wonder why I left your sorry ass. This was a complete fucking waste of time.” She frowns and moves to head for the door.
In the back of my mind, I know I should just keep my mouth shut.
But…. No such luck.
“I knew it was all bullshit.” I laugh humorlessly and shake my head. “You haven’t changed a fucking bit Madison.”
She stops dead in her tracks and turns to face me. Oddly enough, she looks totally calm. Not at all what I was expecting.
“Actually, that’s the problem.” She sighs sadly. “I have. You haven’t. I can only do so much on my own. At some point Justin… you’ve got to stop being a jackass and take some god damn responsibility for your side.”
“Hey… I more than took responsibility for my shit. You’re the problem woman, not me.”
“You’re a fucking moron.” She mutters as she steps out into the hallway and slams the door behind her.
I swear to Christ… one day, we’re gonna kill each other, and I’m sure there isn’t a single person who’d be the least bit surprised.
*************************
The ringing of the phone causes my eyes to snap open and I look around, not completely adjusted to the dark just yet. I reach for the phone on the nightstand, muttering to myself when I knock several things over.
I’m finally able to get a hold of the phone and frown. Somebody better be fuckin dead. That’s the only reasonable explanation for my room phone ringing at four in the god damn morning.
“Yeah?”
“Umm… Mr. Timberlake? This is Allen at the front desk. I apologize for waking you at this hour, but we’ve received quite a few complaints regarding the noise in 1342. I’ve called the room several times and haven’t been able to get answer.”
“Umm… ok.” I pinch the bridge of my nose and sigh.
How is it that we rent out an entire floor of this damn place, and still manage to piss people off? Only us, I swear.
“Mr. Timberlake, if any more complaints are lodged, I’ll have to ask all of you to leave the premises.”
“Ok… ok. I’ll handle it. I’m sorry.” I place the phone back in its cradle and rub my face tiredly.
If I really wanted to be an asshole, I could wake Jc up and make him deal with it. But even I’m not that much of a dick.
I grab the extra room key and quickly make my way down the hall, the music coming from 1342 getting louder with each step.
I think of you every night and dayYou took my heart and you took my pride away...
I hate myself for loving you,
Can't break free from the things that you do.
I wanna walk but I run back to you
That’s why I hate myself for lovin you.
Doesn’t take a genius to figure out who’s in there, does it?
I open the door and I’m not sure if I should laugh, or have her committed.
The empty bottles scattered all over the floor are a pretty good sign that she raided the liquor cabinet. And chances are good that’s what led to everything I’m seeing now.
Daylight spent the night without you
But I've been dreamin' 'bout the lovin' you do
I won't be as angry 'bout the hell you put me through
Hey man bet you can treat me right
You just don't know what you was missin' last night
I wanna see your face and say forget it just for spite
Madison is wearing what looks like one of my old t-shirts and nothing else, jumping on the bed while playing air guitar and singing wildly out of key.
I think of you every night and dayYou took my heart and you took my pride away...
I hate myself for loving you,
Can't break free from the things that you do.
I wanna walk but I run back to you
That’s why I hate myself for lovin you.
I cross the room and shut the stereo off when a pout immediately takes over her face.
“Hey! You don’t turn off Joan! And Alanis was next!”
“You do at four in the fucking morning. You almost got us kicked out of the damn hotel.”
“Oh well.” She shrugs and starts jumping on the bed again. “I’m pissed off, and this makes me feel better. You can leave now.”
“Be mad at me all you want Madison… doesn’t change the fact that I’m right.”
“No you’re not. You’re a man… therefore, always wrong.” She’s slurring like fuckin crazy and even though I’m pretty sure she’s too drunk for this conversation, this might be the only time I’ll be able to get through to her.
“Look… Madison…”
Honestly, I don’t even know what the hell to say to her.
I guess I was just pissed earlier, because despite what I said, part of me knows she’s really trying to get her shit together.
I mean… I actually saw the hardcore proof in the way she handled this Lucas thing. She stayed level-headed the whole time and it was kind of an amazing thing to watch. Two years ago, the same situation would have sent her off the fuckin deep end.
But… then there’s shit like what just happened and it makes me question how genuine she’s being.
Granted, what she’s doing right now is because she’s mad at me, but still… at some point, she has to realize that the rest of the world doesn’t give a flying fuck about her temper tantrums.
“Can you stop jumping on the god damn bed and talk to me? Jesus fucking Christ… you’re not five years old ya know.”
She rolls her eyes but stops jumping and plops down in the middle of the bed.
Ya know… I almost forgot how good she looks in my clothes. But… not gonna think about that right now.
“Is this gonna take long? I’m bored.” She whines, the pout still firmly in place.
“Look… I know you’re trying to do this grown up thing… and that’s awesome… I mean, it’s about fuckin time, you know? I just… I’m a little worried that you’re doing it for the wrong reasons.” I nod to myself, glad I’ve finally figured out how to say this shit. “I mean… if you think it’s some quick fix to all of our shit… you’re wrong. Honestly Madison.. I think we’re done. I don’t see any way to go back from what we’ve done to ourselves, and that’s ok. I mean… we don’t have to be together. I think we’re better off without each other, really.”
I look over to find her drawing on her arm with a marker. Fucking typical. Then again… she’s wasted out of her mind. I shouldn’t have expected too much.
“You know what… just… never mind. Keep the stereo off and get some sleep, alright?”
“You really hate me, don’t you?”
“I don’t hate you.” I mutter and roll my eyes. “That’s the problem. I want to… believe me… I fuckin want to. And I don’t know why… but it’s impossible.”
“Then why are you bound and determined to change me?”
Ok… she’s got a pretty valid point there.
And it’s not that I want her to change. I just want her to grow the fuck up.
“I don’t. I just… I want you to be better… if that makes any sense.” I shrug.
“It’s not just me, you know. You need to do some self evaluating too.”
“Yeah, I know. But… I don’t think now’s the time to be getting into this. It’s late, and I’m fuckin tired and-”
Before I can finish my thought, her mouth is on mine.
I know this needs to stop, but for reasons beyond me, I can never say no to her.
She straddles my lap and my hand quickly find the hem of her shirt. I pull away from her long enough to pull it over her head, and once it’s off, she damn near attacks me.
What the fuck am I doing?
Seriously… am I out of my god damn mind?
This is just going to make things worse, and I know that. But it’s not stopping me. Not even for a second.
Before I know it, Madison’s settled underneath me, and when I finally slip inside of her, the only thing I can think is how right this feels.
I’m well aware of just how fucked up we both are. We annoy the shit out of each other, and sometimes… I really do fuckin hate her.
But, that’s what we are. We’ll probably always be a huge fucking mess. But, it works, in this incredibly dysfunctional way.
Maybe we should just… start over. I mean… it’s not like things can get any worse, right?
************************
I open my eyes and sit up slowly, quickly realizing I’m not in my own room.
Madison steps out of the bathroom a minute later and smiles awkwardly as she slides back into bed.
Yeah… this is real fuckin weird.
“So…” I drawl out and scratch the back of my neck.
“Yeah. Umm… morning.” She chuckles and rolls her eyes. “Sorry about the stereo thing last night.”
“It’s fine. They didn’t kick us out, so… no harm no foul, I guess.”
“Right.” She nods and we both go silent.
I’ve gotta be honest… this isn’t doing either of us any favors. If we’re going to even attempt to make this work, we can’t just dance around shit like this. One of us has to lay all the cards on the table and see how the other reacts.
I just really don’t want it to be me.
“Ya know… I don’t think we’ve ever been this awkward.” She giggles and shakes her head. “And I feel like… this should be easier. I mean.. I don’t know about you, but it… well… ya know… it meant something.” She looks away quickly, her face getting redder by the second.
“Yeah… it meant something.” I mumble.
I just don’t know what, exactly. But, I don’t have the heart to tell her that.
I’d love to forget the shit she’s done. Ignore the fact that she’s more than likely rebounding from Lucas. Pretend we didn’t run what we had into the fuckin ground.
But I just… can’t.
"I Hate Myself For Loving You"- Joan Jett & The Blackhearts
