I'm having a really hard time believing just how easy this getting away thing is.    

I wish I'd have thought to walk out the front door, rather than try that damn window, but let's just chalk that up to one of my not so bright moments, shall we?    

Unfortunately though, I'm not quite out of the dark just yet. I can't leave this house until I get my hands on a phone.    

Let's face facts here, I have no fucking clue where I am, which is bad enough on it's own. Then, without a phone.... I may never get back home.    

I round the corner to what I thought was the kitchen, but is actually the den and jump when I find that curious little face staring up at me.    

"What're you doing?" She peers up at me, her hands on her hips.    

"I was... well... I was looking..."    

"You know it's lunchtime, right? You can sit by me." She grins and wraps her small hand around mine before dragging me down the hall.    

Why is it virtually impossible to lie to a child?    

It's almost like those big, innocent eyes are lie detectors or something. Hell... I bet you could solve a shit ton of crimes that way. Just have some cute kid perform the interrogation.     

Maggie leads me into the dining room where most of the family is already seated, minus Grandpa, Justin, and Trace.    

Brady winks at me from across the table as I sit down and I return his smile reluctantly. He may be an ass, but that ass is a cop, so I'll need his help most of all.    

"Is Justin coming down to eat?" Sarah asks as she passes the salad bowl around the table. She shoots Maggie a disapproving when the little girl makes a gagging sound and scrunches up her nose as a small amount of salad is set on the plate in front of her.    

"Oh... umm... I'm not sure. He... umm... he said he wasn't feeling well." I shrug.    

Ok... is it really gonna hurt anything if I eat first? I'm starving and the spread on this table looks amazing. So, that's the plan. Stuff my face, then tell on Justin and get the hell out of here. It'll work.    

"That damn kid never feels good." Grandpa mutters as he enters the room and eases into a chair. "He's a sissy, that one. Spent his whole season of T-ball chasin' butterflies and playin' in the fuckin dirt. Built a damn dirt castle, right there on the field! I couldn't leave the house for weeks after that!"    

"Dad... please." Harold finally speaks up, rubbing his forehead gently. "Ellie... I apologize." He smiles warmly at me. "I'm Harold, by the way."    

"Nice... to... meet... you." I manage to choke out through my full mouth.    

Yes... I know it's rude to talk with food in your mouth, but I'm a hostage. I'm not required to use my manners or be polite.     

"Old man's got a point, Pop." Brady shrugs. "I'm sure there's still video of that around here somewhere."    

"I may be old, but I can still kick your ass." Grandpa glares at Brady. "All that fancy police trainin' and you couldn't even get a damn cat out of a tree. In my day... cops were real men. None of those vests or other horseshit... if you took a bullet, you were proud of it!"    

"So, Ellie.." Sarah begins, an awkward smile on her face. "Justin said you're a book publisher..." I nod slowly, cramming another deviled egg in my mouth.     

"Well, that's nice. It's good to see him finally setting some standards for himself." Harold smiles. "I've gotta tell you Ellie, we were all pretty shocked when he brought you home."    

"Oh... really? Why's that?"    

Ah... so here it comes. Looks like the whack job wasn't making it up after all.    

I guess I should be happy that I was kidnapped by an honest crazy person.    

"Cause he's a damn fruit... that's why."    

Ok... he may be a senile old man, but I find Grandpa fucking hilarious, I can't help it. He seems to have no problem ragging on every member of his family, and I don't care who you are... that's always funny.    

"Oh Ed... don't say things like that in front of Maggie!" Sarah frowns, scolding her father in-law. "Justin's always been... well... kind of a loner. The only person he's ever really connected with was Trace, and I'll admit, for awhile we were... concerned... that he'd never find someone."    

"I don't see why it matters." A blonde, whose voice I recognize from the bathroom debacle chimes in. "A lot of people stay single. Not wanting to be in a relationship or get married doesn't make you some kind of leper."    

"It's not normal, Christy." Harold sighs in annoyance. "Everyone else in this family has done things the traditional way... he shouldn't be any different. It's not like he's an idiot, or a bad looking kid... it's laziness. Relationships take work and he refuses to put in the effort. No... he'd rather act like a 12 year old with Trace for the rest of his life. The bottom line is... he needs to grow up."    

"Well..." Sarah interrupts him and smiles at me. "I don't think we have to worry about any of that anymore."    

I can definitely feel a big ass knot forming in my stomach. I don't know what it is... but something in her eyes is just... eating away at me or something. She just looks so damn happy at the thought of her youngest son finally doing what they all thought he never would.    

And damnit...a very, very small... tiny... almost insignificant, part of me is starting to feel a twinge of sympathy for my captor.     

Obviously, his father feels pretty damn strongly about all of this, and if I had to guess... I'd say there's been some pretty intense fights about the whole thing.    

Which would totally explain Justin's reluctance to come back here.     

"You're all crackers, if ya ask me." Grandpa mutters and shakes his head. "I was married for 56 years and all I got was a bunch of kids who wanna put me in a home. Well guess what? It's not gonna happen! You put me in one of those looney bins and I'll take every last one of ya out of the will! So go ahead and try it... I dare ya's!"    

"Me too Grandpa?" Maggie asks curiously, pushing her food around on her plate.    

Does this kid even know what the crazy old man is talking about?    

"Especially you! Children are the future, my ass!"    

Good god... where the fuck did he bring me?    

That's it... this is a joke. I know it is. No family on the planet is this full of  dysfunction and insanity.    

Two sets of heavy footsteps pound down the stairs suddenly, their owners bursting into the dining room, attempting to catch their breath.    

God damnit.     

How the hell am I supposed to get out of here now?     

"Don't know why we let midgets in this house. Place may as well be a side show at the god damn circus." Grandpa mutters as he rolls his eyes, completely missing the dirty look Trace shoots his way.    

"Justin... Ellie said you weren't feeling well. Go back up and lay down sweetheart."    

"Oh... umm.... yeah... took some pepto... good as new." He forces a smile and plops down in a chair by the door, Trace following suit.     

I don't think it's possible for anyone's life to suck as much as mine does at this very moment.

*****************    

Well.... it's been an interesting afternoon, that much is for sure.    

Lunch was pretty ok for the most part, minus the whole not being able to talk thing.    

Anytime someone asked me a question or addressed me specifically, Justin would jump in and answer for me, or throw the conversation in a completely different direction. It got really fucking annoying after about two seconds.    

Once the table was cleared, everyone took off to do their own thing. Sarah and Christy retreated to the backyard to put the finishing touches on the reception decorations. Harold and Brady stayed at the table, discussing Brady's latest investigation. Maggie went to do whatever the hell little kids do and Grandpa... well... there's no telling with his crazy ass.     

As for me... my hemorrhoids and I ended up back in Justin's room and once again, I'm bored shitless.    

Ya know... that's something they oughta mention on those crime shows when they're talking about kidnap victims. They never tell you how mind numbingly boring this shit is. Not that knowing would help the situation any, but still... it's the principle.     

"I don't get it." Trace says suddenly as he jumps out of his seat and begins to pace. "I really do not fucking get it. This shit is illegal! You're like... you're on the same level as a bank robber right now. You're holding a fuckin hostage man! Couldn't you have just picked up a chick in a bar?"    

"I know Trace." Justin lets out a long sigh and pinches the bridge of his nose. "I'm gonna figure something out."    

"You fuckin better, cause there's no way out of this. Unless you kill her or something. But that'd just be a big fuckin mess, and I definitely ain't helpin' clean that up."    

"Look man... I just need you to keep your mouth shut and help me watch her. That's all I'm asking. I'll handle the rest of it, ok?"    

"Course." Trace frowns, but nods slowly. "You know I got your back dude."    

Great. Now I have two babysitters, making my chances of escape slim to fucking none.    

But, I guess the bright side to all of this is that I'm being treated fairly well, and it could always be a hell of a lot worse.    

Doesn't mean I'm happy about it though.