Bittersweet
Bittersweet
You're gonna be the death of me
I don't want you, but I need you
I hate you and love you at the very same time . . .
My body burned and my arms were tired, but her moans and groans empowered me to keep going. My hips rocked into her supple body and all my muscles were tense and tingling from the feel of her body. Her nails dug into the skin in my back as she arched herself into me and purred sexily with her eyes squeezed shut. I would've smiled cockily if I weren’t about to fall over any minute and succumb to the pulse of her inner walls.
I slowed my pace, more for me than her, and melted into the wetness between her legs. I paused my actions long enough to get on my knees and place her full thighs over mine before I started up again. I watched her stomach rise and fall as she took deep breaths before my eyes traveled up to her breasts and admired the way they moved to the rhythm of our colliding bodies. Every bounce was in tune with every thrust.
When I caught a glimpse of her hands pulling at my sheets in ecstasy, I picked up speed. She gasped and whimpered and I was so turned on by her that I moved even faster, even more determined to make her reach her peak.
"Oh. . .shit. . ." She reached behind her and grabbed the pillow underneath her moving head. "Jay . . ." The moment she breathed my name, I leaned down and pressed my lips on hers, trying to show her everything I felt in a passionate kiss. I left us both breathless when we pulled apart, but she still managed to reach up and offer me another kiss. Hers we short and gentle, but her eyes were glued to mine. For a moment I thought I saw it, but it quickly faded and her eyes slid shut when she finally came. It took less than a second for me to follow and I rested my forehead on hers, allowing our breaths to mingle and our noses to touch as I softened inside of her.
I felt her hands run down the back of my neck and I shivered when the tips of her manicured names massaged my scalp gently. Every time she touched me I shivered. After all these years, she still made electricity shoot through me with a simple caress. Feeling her moist skin against mine in this very moment made my mind run rampant and my desires to stir up in the pit of my stomach.
We stayed together for a few more moments before I finally rolled off of her and fell to her side. As I lay on my back, I felt her shift until she was leaning on my chest and staring down at me, a small smirk across her face. Her caramel skin glittered with sweat and her hair was wild, but she was absolutely beautiful. The glow that could only be hers seemed to light up my dimly lit room just like the twinkle in her eye and the sparkle of her smile.
"I love you. . ." I told her a soft voice that was so full of sincerity that I scared myself. That's why I was so worried when the room got quiet and she just continued to look me in the eyes and breathe. I couldn't tell if she was happy or sad or angry or scared. She simply stared. Then, without a word, she scooted up toward my face and leaned down, placing her warm mouth on top of mine. I kissed her back, entangling my hands in her hair and inwardly sighing in content. It wasn't the reply I was hoping for, but it's better than nothing at all.
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I felt the spot beside me before opening my eyes and narrowing them to see through the sunlight. I turned and saw that the sheets were tangled around nothing, rather no one, else and me. As I nostalgically ran my hand over the spot she once occupied, I noticed a strand of her hair was still attached to the pillow next to me. I reached over and picked it up. I examined it in the air before slapping it back onto the bed and sighing heavily. I woke up as one of the things I hate the most.
Alone.
I honestly wasn't surprised. After waking up a million times this way, what's one more day? But what never seems to fade or lessen or simply disappear is the amount of hurt and disappointment that I feel.
Hurt that she didn't have the decency to at least say goodbye. Disappointed because I had allowed her to do this to me again. I should know better. Why did I let myself believe that this time would be different? How could I believe something so blatantly untrue? How could I put so much of myself into someone who gives as little as she possibly can?
I've gotten my heart broken by more women than I'd like to admit, but never in my life have I encountered a woman who could break my heart a million times over and still have me at her feet, willing to give her another try.
Maybe I'm just stupid. Maybe I deserve every ounce of pain she gives me because I bring it onto myself. Maybe love is really blind and can't see the poison its allowing to seep into itself. Maybe . . . maybe . . . I don't know. If I did, I doubt that I'd be lying here wondering where we both went wrong. I've searched my memories and came up empty handed every time, but I still look for the answer to why.
Why is she hurting me? Why can't I let her go?
I sighed again when I told myself the same answers I always did: Because you love her and she doesn't love you . . .
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