Again
I really feel some type of awful.
I had caused Teresa to run out of the house liquiored up and upset without a second thought. I had even been proud of myself for making her cry. I wanted her to hurt. I wanted her to know what it felt like to be me when I was with her. The lonliness. The rejection. The regret.
But now I'm feeling all of that. I feel alone. I feel rejected. And I'm certainly feeling regret. It was my fault Nicole was crying. It was my fault that her car was totalled and that Teresa might very well be. It's my fault that we're in this hospital and despite my best efforts, I can't seem to calm her down.
It was the worst feeling in the world having to hear her phone ring at four in the morning and then watching her gasp and grab her heart as if it just had been ripped out.
It may as well have been.
Her best friend had almost been killed.
Her best friend could still die.
And it was my own fault.
"Miss. Peterson." Nicole jolted up from the chair she had slept on all morning and out of my grasp as Dr. Szeto emerged from the white hall and into the waiting area. He wore his rectangular glasses confidently and he screamed nerd, but a nerd was exactly what I was hoping for. We needed someone with brains. Teresa had to be okay. . . For Nicole's sake, of course.
"Is Teresa okay?" Nicole asked without hesitation. That's all she cared about. She said she didn't have time for medical mumbo-jumbo. All she wanted was the facts.
"Miss. Wattson is doing quite well. The stitches were completed an hour ago and she's finally awake. I actually came out to get you. She's been asking for you since she woke up." Nicole nodded and looked back at me, a small smile adorning her tired face.
"She's okay," she informed me, as if I wasn't standing right there for the previous conversation. I just nodded and smiled back, glad that good news was given.
"She'll be well enough to go home in a couple of days. We have to keep here to get some tests done, but that'll probably be over within a week." We both nodded.
"So I can see her now?" Nicole asked.
"Yes, yes!" he encouraged, "Right this way." He lead us up a stretch of hallway and I received some glances and waves from passerbyers. I did the polite smile and nod, but felt as if I was cheaping the situation. I was not here for publicity, but I couldn't give a reason why I was here either. I'll just let them take it for whatever they care to take it for.
When we got in front of Teresa's room, Dr. Szeto excused himself as Nicole made a beeline for the bed. I stopped in the doorframe and stared at what was in front of me.
Teresa all bandaged up and IVed in both of her arms. There seemed to be a neverending stretch of cords and gadgets smothering her body as she laid in her sterilized, white bed. A rectangular bandaid was right above her left eye and there was a big, white bandage under the right side of her jaw. Her hospital gown was white and blue checkered and her hair was sprawled out across the pillow underneath her head. The bed she was on was propped up and by a large window that showed the busy L.A. streets below us.
"Oh, Resey. . ." Nicole cooed as she gently rested her hand on Teresa's cheek. I could see her close her eyes at the comforting touch and I flashed back to the times when she would do that with me.
"I'm sorry, Nicky," she moaned before touching her bandaged jaw. "Your car-"
"Fuck the car," Nicole disregared bluntly, "You can crash as many of my cars as you want as long as you walk away from it in one piece, okay?" They both smiled at each other.
"I shouldn't have driven that car," Teresa said, "I just was so fucked up. . ." She trailed off as she looked up and took notice of me. Nicole followed her gaze and gestured for me to come further into the room.
"He drove me here and insisted on spending the night," Nicole explained, "I think he was more worried than I was." She laughed, but we didn't. It was just too weird to laugh at.
"I'm sorry," Teresa said to Nicole while staring at me, "I was drinking and I should've been more responsible."
"It was my fault," Nicole argued, "I was the one who gave you the keys. I saw you drinking and I still-" Her voice cracked and both Teresa and I turned our eyes to her.
"Nick, it's not your fault," Teresa assured with tears in her own eyes. "I was being stupid."
"I don't care, just don't do this again, please," Nicole said, "If I had lost my best friend in some shit like this, even Oprah couldn't help me." It took a minute, but they both burst out into a fit of giggles.
"What would I do without you?" Teresa asked sarcastically.
"Girl, you know I ask myself the same thing," Nicole said, freigning seriousness. They laughed again Teresa glanced shyly at me.
"Thank you for coming," she said, locking eyes with mine, "I really do appreciate it." I was quiet for a moment, analyzing everything she just said. Every word. Every tone.
"No problem," I said, faking a smile I'm sure she saw right past. Nicole than yawned, long and loud, causing the bags beneath her eyes to seem to drag longer. "Nick, why don't you go and get some coffee, baby." She looked at me appreciatively, but declined.
"No, I wanna stay with Rese," she said, "I'm fine."
"You slept for twenty minutes today," I said, "Get some caffeine in you and eat something. A muffin at least." I was dug through my pocket for cash and pulled out a fifty dollar bill. "I'm sure there's a caf somewhere."
"But-"
"Go 'head," Teresa interrupted, "You look like hell, but Mr. Timberlake over there's too scared to just say it." Nicole laughed and playfully slapped her arm.
"Shut up," she smiled, "Do you think I look like crap?" The question was a trick and directed at me, so I did what I was trained to do.
Changed the subject.
"If they have hot cocoa, could you bring me a cup?" Nicole stood and playfully shoved me out of her way as she sashayed out of the room. I watched until she turned down the hall before facing back in Teresa's direction.
"Nice switch there," she smiled, "Not too obvious." I smiled softly and stuck my hands deep into my pockets. Silence engulfed us and the steady beep of one of her monitors as well as the chattering of nurses and doctors took over the room.
"You okay?" I asked curiously. She shrugged.
"I'll heal." I cleared my throat and she made a soar face. "That's annoying."
"What?" I asked.
"I hate it when you clear your throat."
"I had to," I said simply.
"You do it too much," she commented, "I swear, every five seconds you're clearing your throat."
"That's not true," I argued. . . and then cleared my throat. She looked at me and giggled and I smiled.
"Thanks for staying with Nicky," Teresa sighed, "I've been around that girl every time she freaks out, so I know it wasn't fun for you." I shrugged.
"She was fine," I said, "I handled it well."
"I'm sure," Teresa said before licking her lips. I looked at her for a moment before turning away.
"Where's Shane?" I tried to sound disinterested, but it came out more condescending. When I looked at Teresa, I could see her looking down at her hands and immediately felt bad.
"I don't know," she answered, "Somewhere. .. not caring."
"Does he know you're here?" I asked.
"No. . .I guess not," she said, "Doc told me I kept mumbling Nicole's name while I was getting dragged in here, so he called Nicole to let her know I was in the hospital. I guess I didn't mention Shane's name."
"What about now?"
"Why do you care so much?" she snapped. I stepped back and shrugged again.
"I just thought you'd want your boyfriend to know. . ."
"He's not my boyfriend," she mumbled, causing my eyebrows to peak in interest, "We broke up."
"Really?" I asked, "Since when?"
"Since. . ." She paused. "Doesn't matter. We're over and he has no business being here."
"Then I guess I should go too," I said sarcastically.
"You're here for Nicole, not for me." I scoffed, but didn't say anything. If she wanted to think that, than she could go ahead and think it. We stayed in silence for a while as I rocked back and forth on my heels. It didn't feel really awkward, it just felt like we ran out of words to say. . . or so I thought.
"I don't want to tell her," Teresa said quietly. I looked up at her, confused, and she shook her head sadly. "Nicole. I don't want her to know about us."
"Why not?" I asked, even though I knew enough to know why. It was Teresa's turn to give me a confused look.
"Besides the fact that it would devastate her, geez, I don't know. .. "
"Is it that rule about not dating someone your friend dated?" I asked, "Because if that's the case, technically, we never dated."
"We were. . .involved," Teresa said.
"Involved?" I asked, "That's a really nice way to put it. . ."
"Whatever," she sighed, "It was more than enough. . .Besides. . ."
"Besides what?"
"She doesn't really. . .know about. . . you."
"Well, duh. . ." I mumbled.
"No, she doesn't know that you exist. . ." Teresa sighed when I stared at her blankly. "Damn it, Justin. She doesn't know I. . . she doesn't know I had a side. .. thing."
"Oh. . ." I smirked, "She doesn't know you're a cheater. I see. . ."
"Look, if she did, friendship over. Life over. Everything over."
"Melodramatic much?" I commented.
"No, you don't get it. . ." She covered her eyes with her hands and groaned.
"What's there to get?" I asked, "She's your best friend."
"So?" I asked, "She hates cheaters."
"Who loves them?"
"Look, Nicole really, really hates them." I shrugged. "Despises them! Wants all cheaters to burn."
"Right on!" I laughed.
"This isn't funny."
"You're right. . ." I sighed. "It's hilarious."
"Justin!" she whined before I put my hand out to silence her.
"Relax, okay?" I told her, "I'm not trying to ruin the good thing I have going with her either. I'm not telling her."
"Good."
"Good," I agreed.
"I'm sorry," she mumbled suddenly. I rose a brow at her random apology.
"For what?"
"Everything," she told me vaguely.
"Okay. . ."
"No, it's not," she sighed, "I know sorry doesn't cut it, but it's all I've got to offer right now."
"Don't worry about it. . ." I told her softly, "Just. . . forget it."
"I can't," she breathed, "I really fucked us up." Her voice cracked and I looked at her. For the first time in years, Teresa allowed me to see her cry. It was so weird to me. I didn't even know what to do.
"Teresa-"
"I almost died," she interrupted, "And all I kept thinking about was how selfish I've been. How indecisive and inconsiderate I've been. . . I have a one-way, first class ticket to hell." I wanted to tell her that she was wrong, but I bit my bottom lip instead to keep the lie from falling out of my mouth.
"You're human. . ." I argued weakly. "I've been selfish before."
"Yeah, okay. . ." she disregarded, "God, look at you. . . You're still too nice to tell me I'm a mess."
"I think I said more than enough last night." I mumbled my words regretfully and looked out beyond her bed, staring at the LA skyline.
"I deserved it."
"You're in the hospital because of it," I said. She shook her head.
"I'm in the hospital because I drank too much and drove."
"You weren't drunk," I stated, "You were upset, Teresa. . . I made you cry." I glanced back at her and she was shamefully staring at her now folded hands. I hadn't meant to rub it in a bit more, but it was what it was.
"Look, your words. . . stung, I won't lie about that," she said, "But I assure you that it was more of a . . . lack of words that got me here."
"What do you mean?" My eyes were glued to hers and she was glued to mine. For a moment I thought I saw something. Something so close to something else that I nearly gasped in surprised, but than it faded away and she was blank. Her eyes illegible.
"I mean that you were right. . ." she said quietly, "I run away too much and I'm miserable."
"T-"
"Justin, I cried so much I could hardly see," she whispered, "But it hurt too much to do anything else, but cry. I saw that ramp, but I didn't even try to get out of the way. . ."
"Did you. . ." I was too afraid to say, "Did you try to. . ."
"I'm not suicidal," she smirked, "Just too selfish in a tearful moment to even take my life into consideration."
I had no idea what that meant, but it sounded suicidal to me.
"Are you alright?" I asked.
"I'm fine. . ."
"Really?" I asked again.
"Really."
"Are you sure 'cause-"
"Justin!" she interrupted, "For the first time in your life - stop caring."
"You're right. .. "
"I am," she agreed.
"I don't know why I care so much."
"Neither do I," she said, "You should hate me right now. I'm talkin' 'bout pullin' out the drinks and celebrating my near-death experience."
"I could never do that," I said, more to myself than her.
"That's one of the things that drew me to you," she told me softly, "Your ability to somehow forgive the unforgiveable."
"But I never forget."
"Nobody ever does," she mumbled before taking a deep breath. "This is the longest conversation we've had without screaming, cursing, and flipping each other off since. . . everything."
"I blame my lack of sleep," I smiled.
"I blame the morphine." She lazily lifted up her IVed hand and we both laughed lightly as a familiar tug crossed my heart.
I had missed her laugh. I didn't realize just how long it's been since we've laughed together. It's amazing how something that was almost daily can turn into something scarce in what seems like a matter of seconds.
"Okay, I got it, I got it!" We turned our attention to the door as Nicky came trotting in with an armful of breakfast goodies. I walked over to her and gathered some things before placing them on a tray besides Teresa's bed. When I turned to help her with the rest, Nicole had already made her way to the other side of the mattress and squeezed herself in next to where Teresa laid.
They were chattering away and sharing a muffin, completely unaware of my existence. I took my cue to leave and walked slowly toward the door. Before stepping out, I turned and looked at the two, who were now clinging to each other and mumbling carefree conversation.
They looked so happy. Together. As the best friends they were meant to be.
Who was I to break that apart?
--------------------------------------------------------------------------
It took me a week, but I was finally home and things were back to normal. Shane was nowhere to be found. Justin and Nicole were somewhere canoodling and I was alone.
Yes, things were right. Even the suffocating feeling of discontent was in full swing.
“Ain’t that ‘bout a bitch?” I mumbled to myself as I stared at my television screen. Maury was on and the paternity results were just revealed.
Let’s just say that daddy is now Uncle Larry.
“Rese?!” I snapped my head in the direction of my bedroom door and furrowed my brows.
“Nick?!” I called back before the sound of running feet headed right for my room. I stood, ready to open the entrance for Nicole when it swung open instead.
I watched in confusion as tears streamed down her chocolate cheeks before she ran into my unprepared arms. She wept on my shoulder and I patted her back for a moment until she calmed down a bit.
“Nicole, what in the world is wrong with you?” I asked, pushing her back and holding her face in my hands. I searched her eyes for an answer, but she wouldn’t hold my gaze.
“I did it again,” she whimpered.
“Did what?” I was so confused. “Nicky, what are you talking about?”
“Justin. . .” she sighed, “He was just like the rest of those stupid fuckers.” She sniffled and I furrowed my brows.
“He cheated?” Now I was really confused.
“I think so,” she said softly, “I should’ve known.”
“Wait. . . You caught him with somebody?” At this point, I was asking the question for myself and for her.
“No,” she cried, “He told me there was somebody else that he wasn’t over and that he didn't 'feel' like he could be in a relationship with me." A stunned expression crossed my features and Nicole laughed bitterly. "I guess that girl must've gave it up easily. . ."
"What? Why?" I asked quickly and somewhat offended. She looked at me strangely.
"I don't know. . ." she mumbled, "That's the only reason that I could come up with for why he broke things off with me. Maybe he's not used to waiting to have sex or something."
"That can't be it," I said, a little too knowingly.
"Well, what else could it be?" she snapped, "Am I not good enough or something?"
"Nicky, no, that's not what it is. . ." I explained, "Justin just doesn't. . . seem like the type to be caught up in the whole 'I gotta get laid' thing. There must be some other logical reason."
"Yeah, I'm not some stick thin blonde-haired, blue-eyed heffa," she groaned, "I bit you a million that if I was, we wouldn't be having this discussion."
"That's definitely not it," I argued before bitting my bottom lip.
"Are you trying to defend him or am I just crazy?"
"I'm not defending anyone," I sighed, "I'm just saying. . . maybe you should talk to him."
"And say what?" she sneered, "Take me back, oh great Timberlake!"
"I didn't say all that."
"It doesn't matter anyway 'cause I'm not talking to him . . . or any other male on the face of this cheater-infested, heartbreaking, dream-crushing earth." I furrowed my brows and watched as she flopped onto my bed, turning onto her side in the fetal position.
"Nick. . ."
"No, no. . ." she interrupted, "I'll just lay here until I feel better. . . If I ever feel better." My heart felt heavy as guilt piled up in my chest because I knew with every fiber of my being that I was that somebody. That he was doing this somehow to save my ass for whatever reason.
I knelt down and removed her heels from her feet before covering her up with my blanket. I clicked off the television and backed out of the room, quietly locking the door. She'd be asleep in two seconds and I'll make a beeline for Justin's house as soon as she is.
--------------------------------------------
It was late afternoon and I was finished my three hour jog. I needed it to clear my head and get away from everyone.
And I mean everyone.
You did what?
That was dumb, even for you. . .
You're never gonna find someone like her again.
Are you gay?
Yes, I've heard it all today and that was just from concerned family members. I know I made a mistake that I regret now in the back of my mind, but it was a good mistake. A mistake I would make again to avoid a bigger mistake in the future. I just wish everybody else could see it that way.
"Good job, Bell," I cooed, crouching down to my doggie's level and petting her small head. "You kept up with daddy all that time!" She barked in response and wagged her tail happily.
I swear this dog was not your average mutt. She was too smart for her own good.
"I think that deserves a biscuit." I stopped mid-pet and slowly stood. I couldn't believe my ears, but more so, I couldn't believe my heart's pace when I sensed her behind me.
"What are you doing here?" I put my attention back on Bella, unclasping her leash and allowing her freedom to run about my driveway. She ran in circles then ran behind me. From the sounds of her giggles, she went right to Teresa.
Traitor.
"You missed your mama, huh?" she cooed before making kissing noises. "Yes, you did and mama missed you too." I slowly turned and watched over my shoulder as Teresa knelt down and took Bella's front paws in her hand, making her stand on her hind legs. She then proceeded to make her dance as she smiled to herself.
It was cute, but too close for comfort.
"Bell," I called, "Bella, come on." I clapped my hands and she made her way over to me. Teresa's smile faded as she stood and I shooed Bella into the house.
"Nicky told me what happened," Teresa said, stopping me in my tracks as I tried to enter my foyer.
"Figured she would," I mumbled, turning around completely to look her in the eyes, "It was just a story to get her to hate me."
"Mission accomplished."
"Good," I said, "I guess you'll be going now, huh?"
"Justin," Teresa sighed, "I hope this wasn't about me."
"It wasn't."
"Then what was it about?" she asked.
"Nothing that concerns you."
"But that's my best friend," she argued, "What happens to her, happens to me."
"Then go hate me too," I scoffed, "Seriously, it'll make life a whole lot easier on the both of us."
"I can't hate you."
"Try a little harder."
"Believe me. . . I have." She laughed to herself. "I guess you're just too damn irresistable."
"Whatever," I dismissed, "I have a shower to take." I was already turning to leave when she called out to me.
"I'm sorry." I closed my eyes and took a deep breath.
"You always are."
"I know. . . It's sad, isn't it?" I didn't answer. "Anyway, I think that you should've stayed. . . with Nick, I mean. Whatever reason it may have really been for you breaking things off with her, I wish you would just work out."
I made a sour face, confused as hell as I stood on my steps and looked down at her on my unpaved parking lot. "Is that what you really want?"
"I really don't know what I want anymore," she smirked, "Well, I'm sure of one thing that I want."
"What's that?" I asked, even though I was scared of the answer.
"I want Nicole happy." I frowned inwardly, somewhat disappointed that her answer wasn't me.
"Well... so do I," I said, "Which is why I broke up with her."
"I don't get it."
"It's not for you to get," I replied curtly.
"She was happy with you," she said, "You were happy too."
"For a while."
"What do you mean?" she asked, "Was it Nicky?"
"No."
"Was it. . ."
"No."
"I didn't even finish my sentence."
"I knew where it was heading," I said, "And no, it wasn't anything else you can think of so just leave it alone."
"I can't."
"Why not?"
"'Cause I need to know."
"There's nothing to know."
"What you said to her. . . When you broke it off."
"I told you I made it up," I said.
"You're lying."
"No," I argued weakly.
"Justin, please," she begged, walking toward me, "Just tell if it was me." I bit my bottom lip and backed up as she stepped up the stairs.
"Stop."
"It was me, right?" she asked innocently. I could see in her eyes that that was truly all she wanted.
"Who else would it be?" I whispered.
The first time we ever got a chance to be alone we knew
That it was wrong to do. . .
"I don't know," she shrugged, "You are an attractive guy. Plenty of girls like you." I looked at her, willing myself not to say what I wanted to say so badly.
I guess that's why I was drawn to you
The 2nd time leads to the 3rd, the 5th, the 7th time. . .
"But I don't love them. . ." I mumbled, "Not like I loved you."
And I'm doing it again
Yes, I'm doing it again. . .
"Past-tense?" she questioned, "That's a shame."
"That's what it is."
Oh, I'm doing it again
I said it would end but here it goes again. . .
"You're a terrible liar," she said quietly, taking another step up so that we were eye - to - chin. Even on the steps, her shortness was undeniable.
"And you're a terrible friend."
"So?" she asked.
"So I guess that makes us perfect for each other."
Oh, you're doing it again
Yes, you're doing it again. . .
My heart raced with the familiar tingle in my gut came along full swing. My mind was screaming no. My heart was saying yes. My body was already crossing dangerous lines.
Oh, you're doing it again
You said it would end but here it goes again, and again, and again. . .
My brain shut down and what happened next seemed to play out like a movie. I was watching myself fall right back into her as I screamed at the screen to not do it. To step away from the danger. But I couldn't stop it. The tape was unrolled and there was nothing I could do about it.
Damn, I love you, but this is crazy
I have to fight you almost daily. . .
Kissing. Touching. Tasting. Teasing.
It seemed so much better with her. We didn't even make it up the stairs. I had her against the wall of my living room. We had blindly torn our clothes off and even more blindly tried to make our way upstairs, but she had grabbed me through my boxers and I had to make a pit stop.
She was breathing so hard, panting like she could hardly stand to breathe and I stole her breath away with tongue-filled kisses. I grabbed her thighs and she jumped up around my waist. My boxers slipped down my hips a little more as she worked her body against mine in a delicious grind. I sucked on the pulse of her neck and stumbled up the stairs.
We break up so fast
And we, we make up so passionately. . .
This was so wrong that even my heart ached. It was anticipating its break already, but my naive hope for something different kept me going. I told myself that if I loved her better. . . If I kissed her longer. . . If I pleased her more. . . she'd be there in the morning.
Why can't we just trust each? . . .
The bed was so cool when we hit the silky sheets. We were so excited. I could see her eyes still holding the surprise they had when I responded the way I haven't in a while. I could feel her lips attacking my now bare chest and I could feel her fingertips as they grazed the spot above my heart.
You can't hate me and be my lover
Passion ends, and pains begins, I come back . . .
"Damn it," I cursed, not only because she marked my neck, but because this was so fucked up.
And we're doing it again
Yes, we're doing it again
Oh, we're doing it again
We said it would end but here it goes again. . .
We couldn't hold back any longer. I pulled down her thong with my hands and she removed my boxers with her feet. She blindly felt around my nightstand before opening the top drawer and pulling out condom. She tore it open with her teeth and looked me in the eyes as she slid it up my shaft and covered me up.
Each time you call me home in a sweet refrain
Saying things will change, you'll take away the pain. . .
She felt like a virgin. Tight and wet. I almost collapsed when the tip dipped in. She was going to kill me. Slowly. Warmly. Beautifully.
You envelope me
You feel good as hell to me. . .
"Oh. . ." she groaned, working her body against my thrust. I was almost done and she was clinging to the sheets like she was going to explode any minute. I was straining to keep pressing on. Straining to hold on to my orgasm and my hope for a change.
I keep doing it again
Oh, I'm doing it again. . .
I felt her convulsions as her back arched. She held onto me and panted as I came a few seconds later. I rested my forearms on either side of her and lined my body up with hers, our nose grazing as we tried to catch our breath. I rolled over and wiped away the thin layer of sweat from my forehead.
I closed my eyes and all I saw was Nicole. All I saw was a future fight. All I felt was regret.
"Teresa?" I called tiredly, my eyes already drooping.
"Yes. . ." she breathed.
Oh, I'm doing it again
I said it would end but here it goes again, again . . .
I paused, choosing my words carefully.
"You better be here in the morning."
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Song Credit(s):
"Again" - John Legend
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