Take A Seat
I'm dead.
I must be dead.
Because nothing on earth has ever felt this damn good.
But good is in heaven, so I know I'm not dead because heaven and I have a few issues to work out before I can get to the good.
So... I'm alive, but I could die right now and be eternally happy because even if I don't get into the golden gates, I'm having my slice of heavenly pie right now.
"Oh... my... god..." I moaned slowly, completely amazed as I watched him focus on me, manuvering his tongue throughout my folds. He was so into it, like it was the best thing he's ever tasted and he couldn't get enough of. He sucked my clit into his mouth and for a moment, the image of him in front of me disappeared as I rolled my eyes back and sighed. My hands blindly found his faux mohawked hair and rubbed over it, slightly disappointed that there was nothing to grip as his teeth gently grazed my sensitive flesh. My walls were twitching.
"Come for me, baby," Justin demanded, finally tearing his mouth from me, but replacing it quickly with his fingers. His thumb rotated around my clit as his other fingers worked me inside. Yes, I was gonna come for him. I always did.
"Just... oh...uh..." I don't know what the fuck I was saying, but it didn't matter. My lack of words turned him on and he dipped his head down to assist his fingers with his tongue. A two piece combo that out numbered me completely. I was coming in less than two seconds and Justin licked his lips as he watched me shake and whimper. He rubbed my stomach as I slowly came back down to earth, shivering as the intense heat my orgasm caused left me cold on the sheets.
My eyes were closed, but I felt the bed shifting underneath me and the warm wetness of Justin's mouth trailed up my thighs and stomach and breasts before finally finding my smiling lips. We both sighed as he laid on top of me, his skin touching mine in the nicest way possible. He was so warm and soft that I couldn't help but hug him closer to me. He groaned and rubbed his stubbled face into my neck. I giggled and intertwined our legs together rolling over so that I was on top.
"Mmm..." I mumbled, kissing his neck before resting my face in the crook of it. "This is nice." I inhaled his light, piney scent and curled my toes.
"It is," he agreed, petting my head and rubbing circles into the small of my back. "You should stay." I closed my eyes tighter, trying to pretend that I didn't hear him. It was silent for a while, but I knew Justin well enough to know it wouldn't stay that way. "Did you hear me?" He whispered it like it was some well kept secret he just expelled. I groaned.
"I heard you," I said, "But... what do you want me to say?" I knew what he wanted me to say, but I never understood why he still wanted me to say it when he knew it would never happen.
"I want you to say... something." He shifted underneath me, his hands falling to his sides and leaving me cold and lying on top of his listless body.
I peeled away from his chest and sat up on him. "Something."
"Not funny," he mumbled, his thumb brushing against my knee, "I'm serious."
"I know," I told him, running my hands over his chest, "But... you know..."
"Shane's better?" he offered, "I know."
"That's not what I was gonna say."
"Yeah, well, that's what you always mean." He sat up, making us now eye to eye. "I gotta piss." I grimaced and wrapped my arms around his neck.
"Don't be mad."
He gave me a bored look. "I'm not."
"You're a bad liar."
"And you're..." He laughed at himself, a loss for words, "You're just bad."
"I thought you liked it when I was bad," I purred against his lips, pressing myself down on him.
"I really gotta pee," he whined, smiling all the while as I rolled my eyes and got off of him. I sat on the bed and waited for his return, drawing slow, lazy circles on his Egyptian cotton sheets, striped with baby blue and white.
"Ahh..." I heard him breathed from my spot on the bed and I rolled my eyes, laughing to myself as toilet flushed and the water from the sink sounded. He hummed a tune before falling into a whistle version of 'My Cherie Amor' by Stevie Wonder. I listened to him and smiled. He even sounded beautiful when he hummed and whistled, let alone sang.
Just as I falling into his soothing rhythm, it came to a stop and the sound of his feet rubbing against the plush cream carpet of his room caused me to roll onto my back and stare him as he stood at the foot of the bed. I watched his bare chest moved up and down as he breathed and marveled at his smooth, peachy skin before my eyes fell down to his lower half. His white boxers had blue veritical stripes and were almost identical to the sheets on his bed. I almost laughed as I wondered if he had wore them just to match.
"Feel better?" I smirked as my eyes finally found his, which were glancing up my naked form.
"Much," he replied, hopping onto the bed, causing me to giggle as he tackled me and tickled my sides mercilessly. I screamed out and struggled to breathe as I fought against him.
"Stop!" I demanded weakly, falling into a fit of laughter that made my eyes water. He chuckled, but continued.
"Say Uncle!" I squirmed and flipped and kicked and yelled. "Say Uncle!"
"UNCLE!" I screamed at the top of my lungs. I could hear his dogs barking up the hall as Justin stopped and settled next to me. I fell back against the warm, wrinkled sheets and wiped my face. I was breathing so hard, but still was smiling.
"That was too easy," Justin chided, "And hilarious."
"You're a douche," I laughed.
"Ouch," he frowned, "That deserves a punishment." I turned away as he went for my sides.
"I'm sorry!" I apologized quickly and he haulted his actions.
"That's what I thought." I stuck my tongue out at him and he flicked it with his index finger, leaving the salty taste of his skin in my mouth. I smiled.
"That was fun."
"It was," he agreed, leaning over me on his side and brushing my hair from my face. He stared down at me for a moment, brushing our noses together as we stared looked at each other. "Stay." It wasn't a question. It was a demand. A request for my company. I sighed, lifting my head up to brush my lips against his.
"Okay."
My eyes fluttered open and I groaned as a light burned them. I buried my face into the pillows beneath my head and squeezed my eyes tighter, trying to grasp the memory again, but failing to after the fourth attempt in what felt like seconds. I sighed.
There was a low hum that suddenly reached my ears as I slowly woke up, the hum grew into words and vibrations gently shook me as I sat up on the bed. Then there was a voice so out of tune and dreadful that I knew it had to be Nicole's.
"And I am telling you! I'mmmmmmmmmmmmm not going! You're the best man I'll ever know! There's no way I could eevvvverr go! No, no, no, noooooooo way; no, no, no, noooooooooo way I'm living with you. I'm not living without you, not living with you. I don't wanna be free! I'm staying! I'm staying! And you, and you, and you, and you're gonna love meeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee yeahhhhhhhhhhhhhhh ehhhhhhy eh, eh, eh, eh!" My ears were bleeding, but I was laughing lightly as Nicole struggled with the high notes. I could already see her stomping her feet and screaming at the top of her lungs with her eyes shut.
She was so lame and I loved her. I missed her.
I stretched and rubbed my eyes before finally opening them and taking in my surroundings. I was home. At least, that's what I liked to refer to it as. It was technically Nicole's place, but with Shane out of the picture, it was mine as well. It was all I had and I was grateful to be back. Back in a bed that wasn't shared with somebody who didn't really love me. Back in a place where I was really loved.
I pulled myself out of bed and walked down the hall as she continued to yell, rather than sing, and made sure to tap on her closed to door to let her know she had succeeded in ruining my chances of getting sleep in the near future. The singing didn't stop, and I hadn't expected it to, so I continued on my way to the bathroom, brushing my teeth and washing my face. I pulled my hair back into a messy bun and sighed. I had circles the size of moon under my eyes and it was disturbing, to say the least, to have to imagine what Justin would think if he saw me.
Oh... Justin.
Why did I have to think that name? Even as Nicole's singing boomed in my ears, I couldn't help but be overwhelmed by the sound and feel of my beating heart at the thought of his name. I stared into the mirror. I loved him. Me. I loved him. As I stared into my own eyes, I felt the need to shy away, but I fought against it. I loved him and I wanted him to know that, but I fucked it up. When I had him, I pushed him away and now that he's gone, I love him? It even sounded Shane-like to me. Even if I showed up at Justin's doorstep and told him how I felt, I knew it wouldn't matter. He had moved on without me and I guess... It was for the better. I had Nicole. She had me. That's what I really needed anyway.
"I can't believe it's your face either." I rolled my eyes as I looked over my shoulder in the mirror and saw Nicole smiling at me.
"You're a funny little hooker, aren't you?" She shrugged and walked over beside me, nudging in my side with her knobby elbows.
"You feelin' better?" I nodded, feeling slightly guilty. Early this morning when I tried to sneak in, after sleeping in the salon for another three weeks and showering at Shane's when I knew he was working, Nicole was in the kitchen cleaning. She heard me open and close the door and came running out with a million questions. I burst into tears and told her I had broken up with Shane for good and as she held me I cried some more because I neglected to tell her I was crying for Justin. The more I thought about Shane, the more I thought about him. I had spent so much of our time together leaving him for Shane and for what? To just break up with him in the end?
It was such a huge loss for another loss and as I tried to wrap my head around my own logic, I couldn't. I couldn't understand why I hadn't had my revelation about Shane and I earlier on. Like right before I walked into that stupid food stop and ran into Justin. Like the first time he kissed me and felt that unmistakable spark of something. Or even when Justin and I had first been intimate together. I should've looked into his eyes and seen that he was falling for me and told him I was falling too.
Woulda, coulda, shoulda.
"Hey, I've gotta go and get a few things from Shane's so... I'm gonna shower and get dressed." Nicole patted my back.
"You don't have to do it so soon, girl," she told me gently, "Why don't we go when I get off from work? You and I can double team the stupid fucker." I laughed and shook my head.
"I'm okay, really..." I assured, "It was just a lot to take in last night, but I'm feeling so much better."
"Overnight?" she narrowed her eyes at me with a disbelieving pursing of the lips. I rolled my eyes.
"Nicole, really..." I said, turning toward her, "Now, please get out so I can wash my ass." She wrinkled her nose.
"See, I wasn't gonna say anything, but you do need to hit the shower 'cause... whoa!" She began laughing and stared at her for a moment before pushing her out the door and slamming it shut behind her laughing figure.
"Jerk," I laughed to myself, adjusting the temperature and stripping down to my skin. I looked at my naked body from all angles briefly before sighing. What the hell did he love about me? I mean, don't get me wrong, I could see that I was good looking, but he was Justin Timberlake. How many gorgeous women has he encountered? What the hell was so great about me that he couldn't leave me when I treated him like shit? Well, I guess it really wasn't that great 'cause he's gone now.
Just gone.
I felt the tears coming and I bit my trembling bottom lip. The warm water rolled over my skin as I stepped into the tub. It was relaxing me and I sighed as I placed my face beneath the steady stream. My tears flowed freely from my eyes and I slumped over, allowing myself to fall apart in the privacy of the room as Nicole belted out a Beyonce tune in the background. At least somebody was happy and completely unaware of just how terrible they were.
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Have you ever had the feeling of an itch? Not some physical itch that you scratch and then it's gone, but that something in the pit of your stomach that irks your freakin' nerves because no matter how many times you eat, shop, sing, talk, laugh, cry, or scream, it's there. It's there and unsatisfied and driving you crazy because you don't know what the hell to do to make it stop so you can hold onto, and even regain, some of your sanity.
I have that itch, but what fuckin' irks my nerves more than the itch itself is the cure that I know will put the itch to its end: Teresa. Yes, it's her. It has to be her. I've done everything I could think of to get her the fuck out of my system and off my mind, but nothing has worked. I still feel like... ugh. Yes, ugh. I don't know what to do with myself anymore. I just feel like lying in bed and not doing anything, but I have responsibilites. I have my music, my dogs, my friends and family, and my date. Yes, my date. The date that I'm in right now and can't seem to concentrate on.
Back to you
It always comes around
Back to you. . .
Who would've thought that Jessica Alba would have to fight for my attention? Yes, I'm dating her. . . kinda. It's a third dinner and it was going well until I started staring at something over her shoulder and drifting off to Teresa Land. She's telling me about her guitar lessons... At least she was. I don't know. Ten minutes of our date has been erased from my mind.
I tried to forget you
I tried to stay away
But it's too late...
"So... yeah," she giggled, "Sorry for boring you." My eyes slowly slid over to her brown ones and her full lips were smirking at me. "You didn't hear a word I just said, did you?"
"What?" I asked, panicking slightly before turning into my casual self, "No... I mean, yes, I did hear you. No, I did not not hear you." She giggled again and shook her head.
"It's okay, Timberlake, I can take it," she assured, leaning back in her seat and smiling brightly, "My failed guitar lesson story isn't that great anyway."
"I thought it was funny," I said, "When you got the hook to the song wrong and your gramps goes 'Ay Dios mio! Jessica, do you want me to die?' was hilarious." She laughed and I was saved from my own stupidity.
"Okay, maybe you were paying attention," she smiled, "Maybe." I couldn't help but chuckle myself. She was smart. And funny. And fuckin' gor-ge-ous. But Lord knows that my itch is still itching. This is ridiculous.
Over you
I'm never over
Over you
Something about you. . .
"I swear I'm a good listener," I told her, "I just got a lot of shit in my head, ya know?"
It's just the way you move
The way you move me. . .
"Yeah, I know," she nodded, "It's okay, boy, you can relax. I'm not one of those chicks that flip out when they're not getting 100% of a guy's attention."
"You mean you're not a chick at all," I laughed, "What woman doesn't want attention?"
"I never said I didn't want it," she stated shyly, "It's just that it's okay for you to space off. If you stick around long enough, you'll see I do it too." My chest tightened, but it was with excitement. The way she said 'if you stick around...' made it seem like she wanted me to stick around and that it wasn't pressured, but hopeful.
"I guess I'll be seeing space out," I told her, "'Cause got a feeling I'll be sticking around." She raised her brows and laughed lightly.
"That confident, huh?" she asked.
"You could say that."
"Well, Mr. Timberlake, I do like a confident man." I pointed to my puffed out chest and grinned.
"Well, you got him," I said before leaning over, motioning for her to do the same, "Any time, any place." I whispered before laughing. She cracked up herself, cutely covering up her mouth with her manicured hand.
"You are bad," she commented, "But I like bad boys too." She winked at me and I bit my bottom lip before she giggled and called over the waiter. Yes, check please.
Okay, I haven't done everything to get Teresa off my mind. I haven't done Miss. Alba... yet. But with the way she's eyeing me from across the table, I can bet money that that's going to change. My stomach turns into a nervous knot when she smiles as we rise from the table and make our way out the back door. Her arm loops through mine as we giddily walk over to my BMW and she stops to kiss my cheek before getting into the passenger side door that I'm holding open for her.
"I forgot to get us dessert," I realized as I slipped inside the car and buckled my seat belt.
"That's okay," Jessica said, "I'm sure we can find something at my place." I turned to face her.
"Really?"
"Mmmhmm..." she all, but moaned, "I've got a hell of a sweet tooth." My eyes glanced down to her lips, which I have yet to kiss, and I quickly imagined what they tasted like before putting the car into gear.
"Your place it is."
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There wasn't any dessert at Miss. Alba's place, but there were lots of sweets on Miss. Alba's body. Her gloss tasted like sour apple and her skin was like vanilla and cotton candy. She smelled even better when my lips were on her neck and my nose was brushing her skin; her soft, tan skin. She was golden, almost shimmering, in her living room light as she straddled my waist. Her dress was up to her hips, which were rotating on mine as we sucked on each other's mouths and she held my neck and head with her hands.
Her lips were big and soft and knew exactly what they were doing as we finally pulled apart and she found my bare chest and suckled on my pecs. I was leaning my head down, watching her tongue run over my nipple as my hands slid down her back and gripped her ass. She moaned and came back to my lips, kissing me hard and deep. Her tongue was like velvet on mine and I could feel the rush of blood flowing through my erected member causing it to press against my underwear and pants. Her hands were on me though, massaging through the materials. She was handling me so well that I felt like newcomer at some points, but I lifted her and myself up, slamming her back on the wall by her stairs. She groaned out in pain and pleasure and grinded on me from our angled position.
"Shit," she hissed as I popped the strap of his dress, pulled it down to reveal her breast, and sucked the living shit out of it. She threw her head back and it slammed against the wall, causing me to hault my actions to grimace.
"Are you okay?" I asked, rubbing the back of her head.
"Yeah... yeah..." she panted distractedly as she pushed my head back down to her breast. I brought it back to my mouth and worked it as she ran her hands over my head. I pulled down the other strap of her black dress and sucked her exposed flesh. She was moaning so much that I thought I'd make her come like this. Why couldn't I please Teresa like that? Why didn't she come when I just sucked on her nipples? I tried to turn her on more than I have anybody else because I wanted her to feel what I was feeling, even if it was just when we were making love.
Back to you
It always comes around
Back to you. . .
I dropped Jessica to the floor and took her hand, leading her up the stairs. I didn't want to fuck in her living room. A lame ass part of me wanted the feel of the bed. To imagine that it was really something special and not just anything. A very lame, pathetic part of me.
I walk with your shadow
I'm sleeping in my bed
With your silhouette. . .
"Where's your room?" I asked, already walking down the left side of the hall.
"It's at the end," Jessica said, kicking off her heels as I dragged her along. I got to the last door and turned the knob. It opened, revealing a nutural colored room. All types of greens, browns, creams, and some gold decorated the space and her bed was ivory and brown and full of a million pillows. I furrowed my brows, realizing that I had no idea what Teresa's bedroom looked like. At Nicole's or Shane's. I wondered if it was pink or blue or tan like this one. I wondered if she had pictures of the family she never spoke about or a had a shelf of books we used to discuss while we were friends. I wondered if she kept her millions of shoes in a closet or if they lied everywhere and anywhere. I just wondered how she lived.
Back to you
It always comes around
Back to you. . .
"Hey, I'm over here," Jessica purred, knocking me out my trance as I turned around slowly to find her leant up against her closed white door in nothing but lacy, black underwear. I could tell they were boy shorts by the way they fit on her hips and as she sashayed toward the bed I could see the hit cut heart shape cupping her ass in the best way.
Damn. Damn. Damn.
"I think I'm over dressed for this special occassion," I joked and she laughed, biting her bottom lip as she climbed onto the bed and sat back on her legs. She placed her hands on her touching knees and her breast squeezed together in a delicious cluster.
"Well, fix it," she smiled, watching as I unbuttoned my dress shirt and unbuckled my belt. My pants dropped and I kicked them off before placing my shirt on one of the post of her bed. My white undershirt went next before I reached for my boxer briefs. Shy Miss. Alba disappeared completely as my underwear dropped and I sprung free, confidently. She was licking her lips like a hungry animal and I smirked cockily (no pun intended) as I walked over to where she kneeled. Before I could do anything, she grabbed my waist and took me in her mouth - just like that.
My eyebrows raised and I gasped in surprise and pleasure as she engulfed me completely. I was amazed as my eyes closed and I grunted. I could feel the bitch cry ready to leave my throat as her tongue ran quick, wet lines up and down my shaft as she moved her head about. I was touching the back of her throat when she moaned, sending the vibrations right through me. I opened my eyes and looked down at her, only to find her staring up at me. She wasn't shy, but I suddenly found myself to be. I haven't been this intimate with anyone but Teresa. Yes, I saw Nicole naked, but we never did anything. Nothing but kissing and shy touching. It was weird. I always had Teresa on my mind when I looked at her, seeing her looking back at me, knowing that those same brown eyes saw Teresa everyday.
Doesn't it scare you...
And now, as Miss. Alba gives me some of the best head of my life, I can't even think about it. My body is even struggling to stay turned on, so I close my eyes and I think of Teresa. I imagine her light green eyes looking at me and her soft, warm mouth working me with the help of her skillful tongue. I feel guilty, but then I don't feel anything but Jessica and her body on mine, even if I'm imagining it being Teresa.
That your will is not as strong...
I still please her. I still have her calling my name, even as I struggle not to say Teresa's. She doesn't know what I'm thinking and she doesn't have to. What she doesn't know won't hurt her. I won't tell her that if I wasn't imagining Teresa doing me, she would've never gotten me off. She doesn't know that everytime she came, I was disappointed because she didn't hold me or call me the way Teresa did. I won't tell her that after tonight, I'll probably never call her again.
No, she won't know that. She can't know any of that.
Except the never calling again. That she'll know know in two weeks when she realizes that I'm not that damn busy and that I'm just blowing her off after getting blown. I'll be labeled as the biggest jackass ever in her book and to all her girlfriends, but I don't even care. Don't get me wrong, I care, but I can't do anything about it. It is what it is. I'm not gonna spill my whole life story to Jessica so she can feel bad for my pathetic ass and drop me first after months of me lazing around, unable to 'function' unless I call out Teresa whenever I come.
Yeah... It's better this way.
Don't judge me either. Don't think 'why'd you even bother?' because I had good intentions. I do like her to an extent and had I been under any other circumstance, I would've let it go as far as it could, but Teresa's on my brain and it's not fair to use people. I thought it was just weird with Nicole because they were friends, so I ended it and got with Jessica (after a dozen other ruined dates) and we were on a roll. We were still rolling around, but my brain is doing too much. I just want it to be over so I can sneak out to my own car to get my own home to sleep in my own bed wrapped up in my own misery. That isn't too much to ask, is it?
Besides, she'll get over. We're not in love. I'm just another Hollywood jerkoff she had to come in contact with, and I'm sure I won't be the last, so it's fine. She'll be fine. It'll all be fine.
As it used to be?
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Everything hurt. It hurt so bad that I could barely contain the pain. There were a million and one times where I wanted to just fall over and moan in agony as my body burned and struggled to catch up and stay up with itself. It was like my mind was going and my body was trailing behind it. As my thoughts raced along, my legs came close behind them. Thump. Thump. Thump. My feet sounded so loud against the cement. Ba-bump. Ba-bump. Ba-bump. My heart was pounding. I was gasping for air as I turned around the corner and past yet another house. I didn't even know where I was anymore, but the more I moved, the less and less crowded it became. People seemed to have become less involved with the outside world, peaking out their windows ever so often to stare and wonder what it's like out there.
Early was the morn
Flowers filled with dew. . .
I wanted to tell them all that it wasn't so great on the outside. That people got hurt all the time and fucked up the more the ventured outward. There were diseases and wars and heart break. That life inside was so much better because curiousity hadn't killed the cat; finding the truth did.
I became somebody through loving you. . .
I felt myself ready to cry and I scoffed at my own sensitivity. I was trying to run it off. I was trying to runaway. Another mile, another block, another step further. From the pain, the lies, the steady sound of my ever breaking heart. It was impossible though. It seemed that the further and faster I ran, the move they all caught up to me.
Softly as a child
Born in natural rain
I predict the seasons
To go unchanged. . .
Part of me wondered why I was running away rather than toward. Toward him, where I wanted to be rather than on an unknown street at the crack of dawn, the clouds swallowing the sunny sky whole.
Sometimes dear life
You run across a love unknown. . .
But then I reminded myself that his arms wouldn't wrap around me unless it was to shake me into some type of a coma.
Without a reason
It seems like you belong. . .
But I loved him, right? Even if I was a complete and utter bitch, that had to count for something. He loved me too. Even if he's mad as hell and says he never wants to see my face again... he loves me, right?
Hold on dear life
Don't go off running from what's new. . .
Thump. Thump. Thump. Thump. I could hear my feet resounding in my ears as I ran faster. A sob caught itself in my throat and as the wind hit my face, I felt my tears cool on my cheeks.
I became somebody through loving you. . .
Ba-bump. Ba-bump. Ba-bump. Ba-bump. My heart ached. It was a sharp pain that caused me to grab my chest and come to a hault. My sneakers skid on the grass as I tumbled to the muddy ground. I landed on my arm and the soft earth cushioned my fall. I was confused as to where I was until my eyes focused on a swing set across the way. The rusted chains squeaked as the wind blew and my chest was heaving in and out; cold air filtering in and out. I was lying on my side, looking crazy and covered in mud, but I couldn't even move. My legs were tight and my chest was burning. My lungs were working overtime trying to get in tune and my eyes were still crying silent tears. I glanced up at the sky and found that the sun had finally broke through the clouds and I found myself overwhelmed with sadness.
Warm was the sun
That covered my body so
Reminded me of you
As I'd first known. . .
I can't do this.
Those were the days
A day that changed my life
And made me do. . .
I couldn't live like this anymore.
I became somebody through loving you. . .
The weight was too much. The guilt and the pain. I loved everybody too much and I was realizing that I didn't love myself enough. That's why I pushed everybody away. That's what I couldn't even understand my own logic. That's why I'm ashamed.
As the sun shines
Down on me
I know with you in love is where I wanna be. . .
I needed to be honest. With everybody.
Ooooh sometimes I go on through life
Thinking that love is something that's
Not meant for me. . .
I couldn't be like this. I wasn't going to ever be happy unless I was honest. Unless I knew that I had really done everything I could to fix the situation at hand. To really be okay with everybody and everything, I needed to do this. Even if it hurt now, it would leave me feeling better in the long run.
Hold on dear life
Dont go off running from whats new
I became somebody through loving you. . .
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Okay, so maybe things weren't okay. Miss. Alba was blowing up my phone like I smacked her mama. What the fuck did she want from me? I don't know. She called and did the usual 'what happened? was it me?' thing before going into the semi-usual 'fuck you!' thing, but now, she just calls and doesn't leave a voicemail. She's just waiting for me to pick up the phone, but I hope she's not holding her breath.
I know, it seems mean, but honestly, I would be a waste of the woman's time. She's sexy as hell, she can get another dude. Lil' ol' me on the other hand is permanently scarred by the Teresa bug and unable to function in a normal relationship. I've taken it upon myself to write twenty-five new songs, all involving regret, misery, and anger. It was pretty pathetic because anybody who knew would know it was all about her. About missing her face and her smell and her laugh.
You spurn my natural emotions
You make me feel like dirt
And it hurts...
But I think it's helping with the post-break up craziness. It's not as painful as I imagined, but it still hurt. I told myself, like my mama told me, to give it time, but time is of the essence. I wasn't getting any younger and the more and more I waited this out, the more opportunities I lose with other women. Not that I want other women. Seriously, no matter how rich, funny, sexy, tall, thick, curvy, creative, or stylish a woman is, my head won't seem to make any effort to turn in their direction. It's like I'm in a relationship; too happy to even care about other women. But I'm not in a relationship. I'm not happy. I'm completely depressed.
And if I start a commotion
I run the risk of losing you
And that's worse
This is a whole new realm for me. Even win that skank Britney cheated on me, I could fuck my problems away with more women than I could count or remember, but with Teresa... I just don't want anybody else.
And I hate it. I can't even get myself off. I had this insane urge to, but I couldn't. I thought about her and it worked for a while until I remembered that it wasn't her, so I just gave up and went to sleep.
That isn't normal, right?
Ever fallen in love with someone
Ever fallen in love
In love with someone
Ever fallen in love
In love with someone
You shouldn't've fallen in love with. . .
A guy my age is suppose to have a healthy sex drive and want it and need it whether it's from a magazine or a cute girl walking down the street. He's not suppose to be a chick about it. I have a fuckin' penis and I don't even know what to do with it. How is it fair that I tried to go about Teresa and I the right way and she's the one getting laid and I'm the one who can't even jerk off?
I can't see much of a future
Unless we find out what's to blame
What a shame. . .
I get so angry thinking about it sometimes that I find myself saying that I hate her and everything she has done to me and my emotional health, but then I tell myself to stop lying because she would have to smack my mama - twice - to get me to fully hate her. I mean... I cried for this woman. For the loss of her and myself. I cried because I knew that she was in love with a no good dirt bag cheater who was still better than me. As much as my mom told me I was wonderful, it wasn't the same as Teresa saying it. I mean, she's my mom. She's suppose to think I'm wonderful, but I could have Teresa look me in my eyes and tell me she loves me, that would be it. I'd be done.
And I wish I could go back
To the day before we met
And skip my regret. . .
I hate to admit it, but that is what it is. I know my heart's gonna break harder everytime she leaves, but I'll love her because she loves me. That's pathetic, right?
I guess that's why I was so mad the last time I saw her. That's why I was so enraged I was throwing things. I wasn't even that mad as her. I was more pissed at myself because I know people treat you the way you let them and I knew that if I laid down like a welcome mat, she would surely step all over me, but I did it anyway. I was fighting myself that day in the kitchen. I was trying to blame her, but in the end, it's mostly me.
Yes, she's charming and a seductress. Yes, she makes me laugh and moan and come and then leaves. Yes, she wears the boots I like and curls her hair so I can fluff it with my fingers. Yes, she lets me love her and pretend to love me back for two seconds before Shane enters the picture again. Yes, she does all these things, but I'm the one who tolerates it. I'm the one who feeds off of it. I'm the one who kisses and touches her with everything in me, trying to win her heart when it's already held in someone else's hand.
Or maybe that's just what she wants me think so she could get off scott free.
I ponder over that before my phone starts vibrating. Miss. Alba flashes across the screen and I roll my eyes. For the love of God, give up, woman! I want to scream into the phone, but I don't. I let it vibrate to my voicemail and peel myself from the couch. I've become a potato and I blame Trace for that. His strict 'no excessive exercise' policy has left me feeling out of shape, so I made my way to the other side of my mansion and into the gym. I looked around the room at all the weights and treadmills and bicycles and excercise balls before sighing.
"Time to sweat it out. . .," I announced to myself, sitting on the benchpress and laying. ". . . in the most boring way possible." I rolled my eyes and gribbed the bar above my head, lifting, bringing it to my chest, and lifting it again. I took in a breath. One down, ninety-nine to go.
-------------------------------------------------
In two weeks I've managed to squeeze in four girls night, two pedicures, a mani, a hair styling session, two music nights, a trip to the park, dinner at Costello's, and jogging sessions every other day and lots and lots of pictures. More than I could develop and upload and frame. I was on a best friends forever mission and Nicole had taken notice of my sudden need to be around her twenty-four-seven.
She just didn't know why.
But she would... soon. As in seconds when I finally get the courage to come down the stairs and face her. But I was so scared that I found myself fighting off tears before they even tried to fall. My hands were shaking and my stomach was knotting up on so many levels. I felt sick. Sick right in my gut and my heart was tightening in my chest.
After my run, I knew what I had to do. I knew I couldn't stand myself any longer if I didn't just be honest, regardless of the consquences. I waited long enough. I mulled over it. I practiced in the mirror and wrote it out. I tried a million times to start the conversation, but always got so scared in the end.
But I had to say it tonight. I had to do it if I didn't want to go completely insane. I had to do it because Nicole deserved a better me. She just deserved better.
I breathed through my nose and let out a shaky breath before finally descending upon the stairs. They creaked beneath my feet and it was booming my ears. My heart was racing and I felt like I was running again. Even my tears were cool against my cheeks as I landed at the bottom of the stairs.
"You ready for the Orlando Bloom, night?" Nicole's cheerful voice squealed excitedly as I watched her dig through the shelves of DVDs in her living room with her back to me and smiled. She really loved Orlando Bloom. I promised if I ever saw him, I'd steal a lock of his hair for her. Just for her.
"Nick-" My tongue fell limp in my mouth and I tried to regain my composure as I wiped my tearing eyes, "Nicole." She finally turned around to face me with several DVDs pressed against her chest.
"What's wrong?" she asked, dropping the movies on her couch and rushing over toward me. She went to wipe my tears away, but I held her wrists. "Tee?" As I looked into my best friends eyes I realized that she really was all I had and was more than just a friend. She was family. My only family. My only everything.
And I was going to lose her.
"We have to talk." She nodded and stared at me expectantly. I tried to swallow back a sob, but it whimpered out of my throat.
"Teresa, girl, it cannot be that bad," she assured. "We'll work it out." I squeezed my eyes shut. No, we won't.
"Nicole," I mumbled, sniffling and wiping my cheeks clean. "You might want to sit down for this one."
Author's Chapter Notes:
I'm soooooooooooo sorry for taking forever and day to update, but this is kinda long, so yeah... haha. Review, my lovlies. I need to know what to do! haha - Mari
Chapter End Notes:
Song Credits:
Back To You - John Mayer
Dear Life - Anthony Hamilton
Ever Fallen In Love? - Billy Talent
Wish I Wasn't - Heather Headley
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