Die Alone
I wailed in pain before covering my mouth with my hand. My sobs still seeped through the gaps of my fingers like grains of sand as my tears drenched my skin.
"Tee, please, calm down," Nicole cooed, trying to comfort me with a small, uncertain smile. I was crying so hard and the more I tried to regain my composure, the worse it seemed to get.
"Nicole," I said softly, hiccupping along the way, "I love you so much and I want you to remember that."
"I love you too," she automatically replied, just like I knew she would. I just needed to hear it one last time.
"I'm sorry for what I'm gonna say," I sniffled, "I'm sorry that I even did any of it because it was so stupid. It was all so stupid."
"It's okay..." Nicole smirked, "We've both done our fair share of stupid things." I shook my head.
"It's always been me," I told her, "I've always fucked things up."
I blindly dug through the dark closest in search of my suit case. The cool leather touched my finger tips and I used what little strength I had to pull it out from the bottom shelf. It hit the floor with a loud thump and I fell back onto my butt. I quickly got up as yet another cry left my throat and dragged the case to the bed, tossing it on the mattress.
"Teresa, you've been through it," Nicole said, "If you fuck up a little, I think it's understandable."
"No, it's not," I impugned, "Nicole, you didn't even deserve any of this, yet you held my hand right through it."
"Teresa, you're my best friend," she stated sharply, "You're my sister and will hold your hand through anything."
"Not anything," I mumbled, "Not this."
I didn't even care about what I was tossing into that damned black case as I dug through my drawers and grabbed whatever I could get my hands on. Shirts, jeans, underwear. I stuffed them into the bag and never thought about folding them.
"Will you stop talking crazy and just tell me what the hell is going on?" Nicole snapped, her frustration clearly evident.
"It's about Shane and I..." I trailed off and she rolled her eyes, "And Justin." I added and her face scrunched up.
"Who the hell is Justin?" My bottom lip quivered as I sighed.
"Timberlake."
"You know a Justin Timberlake?" I looked up at her and shook my head, waiting for the realization to hit her. When it did, just two seconds later, her face flattered. "What about Justin?"
"Nicole..."
"Teresa, tell me you didn't," she pleaded, "Tell me you did not do what I think you did."
"We were already sleeping together long before you even met him," I said, "And once after he broke up with you." I looked down at my hands. "It was never during your time together, I swear."
"Wow," she said in awe, "Wow."
When the first case was full, I zipped it up and went back to the closet in in search of another. I found a duffel bag instead and began to toss in some shoes and toiletries. I found a photo album and tossed it into the bag with my perfume and hair things and the rest of my life, my tears never stopping for a second.
"Him and I-"
"How could you have been with him if you were with Shane?" Nicole interrupted and I looked up into her eyes.
"I..." My mouth went dry as her eyes bore into mine.
"You what?" she challenged. The intimidation of her stare caused me to cast my eyes downward.
"I guess I cheated," I finally voiced.
"You guess?!" Nicole yelled suddenly, causing me to jump back as she stood. "You sure as hell knew how to do it, but you don't even know what it is?"
"It's not the same," I argued, "Shane was messing around on me! He cheated first and he didn't even care after me and Justin got together."
"And that makes it okay?" she asked, "Teresa, do you hear yourself? Do you hear what you're saying?"
"Yes, I do and I'm sorry that it's that way, but that's what it is."
"And I'm suppose to just accept the fact that you're a fuckin' ho?" Her words struck my heart with piercing force and I felt small beneath her stare.
"I was only with Justin," I said, "Nobody else but him."
"Right, I forgot," she said sarcastically, "You were just with Justin; the same Justin that you let me get with knowing that you already had him."
"He made you happy," I said gently, "I didn't want to take that away from you."
"Teresa, you fucked him," she groaned, "You fucked him and I'm suppose to pick up your sloppy seconds."
"What would you have done if I told you?"
"I certainly wouldn't have been with him that long," she shrieked, "And God, what about all that shit I told you about him? About his kiss and his touch and the whole... shower thing. You knew! You knew what it was like already and you let me look like a fuckin' idiot being all hopped up on him."
"I didn't know what to say," I whined.
"How 'bout 'Hey, Nicky, I kinda sexed him up already'?"
"I just..." I trailed off, "I didn't want to have to tell you about Shane and I being as bad as we were -"
"Way to play victim on that one," she cut in, "All that bullshit about Shane being the dog in the relationship. I actually feel kind of bad for being so mean to him. Maybe I should've directed half that hatred toward you."
"Nicole-"
"And some best friend you are for telling about all this, even before I started going out with Justin," she shook her head, "I saw myself having children with him. I told you that and you smiled in my fuckin' face."
"Justin and I weren't together any more," I assured, "We weren't even really together in the first place. It was just suppose to be about sex, but he got all caught up and with Shane not caring, I got attached too."
"Wait, what?" she asked, "What do you mean by 'caught up' and 'attached'?"
"Justin always wanted something more from me, but I thought I loved Shane, so I just kept pushing him away, but now..."
"Now what?" she asked, "You love him too?" My head snapped up at the question and my eyes welled up with tears.
"Shit, shit, shit, shit," I heaved as I tried to control my breathing. I was starting to feel lightheaded and queasy. The last thing I needed to do was faint. If I was unconscious, Lord knows what Nicole would do if she found me unable to defend myself.
"I..." my tongue fell limp and I struggled to gain the right words. I had never voiced that I loved Justin to anybody but myself and the last person I wanted to say it to was Nicole.
"I'll take that as a yes," she said softly in response to my silence. My hands were shaking as I stared down at them. I had never felt so scared and low before. Nicole has never been this mad. I didn't know how to deal with it. I felt like a child again, being scolded and looked down upon by the one person who was suppose to love me unconditionally.
"Nicole, I'm sorry," I breathed, "I'm so, so sorry. I-"
"Stop," she cut in, "Please, just stop." And I did. I zipped my lips so fast that they chapped up. My eyes slowly traveled up the length of Nicole's short body before staring at the side of her face as she looked away from me. I was afraid to breathe wrong as the deafening sound of nothingness boomed in my ears.
My heart was pounding and I wished that I were running again; away from all this. Away from the pain that's in my chest because I know what's going to happen. I saw that same look of distain in my mother's eyes when she finally had enough of me. My prediction still did not help to ease the sharpness of Nicole's heavy sigh. It did not stop my tears from falling thicker and more frequent. It did not help with the pain of knowing that I had once again messed up one of the best things that has ever happened to me.
And it certainly didn't stop Nicole from saying the one line I had been dreading since the day I kissed Justin, knowing she'd never approve.
"Get out," she finally spoke, her tone demanding, but reluctant, "You have to go." My knees wobbled beneath my weight and I gulped back another cry. I tried to catch her eyes, but she wouldn't look over at me. She just stood there, with her hand on her hip and the other wiping away a tear she tried to hide from me. My guilt weighed heavier on my soul as I watched her heart break right in front of me. I could tell her anger was no longer an issue, but her pain was. If this was hurting me, it had to be killing her. Nicole felt for me like nobody else did and even though none of my mistakes have been her fault, she always blamed herself for it somehow. Even now, I know she's thinking that she had done some wrong.
I want to slap myself for her sometimes. Nicole, my sister, my best friend, and my mother. She was my sole confidant. She loved me more than I could ever love myself, and yet I finally did away with her. I finally fucked up enough to make her hate me. She had finally kicked me out and pushed me away like everybody else did. I was no longer her burden.
With my bags packed and a taxi outside waiting for me, I lugged myself out of Nicole's house. My chest was burning and my stomach was churning. Where the fuck was I gonna stay? How would I fix things with Nicole? Could I fix things with Nicole? My mind was racing with thoughts.
And for the first time, I couldn't seek solace in Justin because I had ruined that too. I had no idea about what I was gonna do. I didn't even know what to say to the driver when he asked me where to.
"Just...drive and I'll tell you where to stop." I looked at him in the rearview mirror and he furrowed his brows.
"All right, Miss..." he mumbled with uncertainty before pulling away from the curb. I looked down at my hands, not wanting to see the house or Nicole moving further and further away from me.
-------------------------
I yawned and stretched my arms above my head as I tried to crack my back all at once. It didn't work and I ended up reaching to touch my toes before turning from side to side. I groaned in frustration as the crink wouldn't crack and bent backward, trying to get the pop I needed. Nothing happened and flopped back onto my king sized bed, breathing out some frustrated air from my lips.
It was only eleven-thirty and I was bored as hell, just like I was bored as hell after my run at seven. I had nothing to do. Yes, I could fly to Europe or party in New York, but... I didn't want to. I wasn't bored in the sense of not having anything to do, per se, it was more of a boredom of having a choice of eveything else, but one thing.
I was lonely.
There, I said. Again. I was fuckin' lonely. Yeah, I could afford a pretty good hooker, but I didn't want to. I wanted something that would cure my loneliness forever, not just for a couple of hours for a few thousand bucks. Even my dogs were boring me. Hell, they were bored of me. Bella ran when she saw me now 'cause all I did was smother her with the love I couldn't give to anyone else. I was absolutely pathetic. Even my dogs knew it.
My mom had my stepdad. My dad had my step mom. Trace had Elisha and Mike had Pearl. Johnny had Crystal and Pharrell and Chad had their ladies. Timbo had his baby momma and who did I have? Nobody. My loyal doggie even hates me now. No female wants me. Not the way that I want them to. Not genuinely.
That's sad, right?
I roll my eyes at my ceiling before the sound of my Ginuwine ringtone catches my ear. I'm shocked for a moment, but then slowly mull over the possibility that it's not happening. I just lay there until it stops ringing and then reach over to grab my phone.
1 missed call Reese's Cup
And then I shit a golden brick as the little voicemail tape pops up with a jingling bell sound. I pause, trying to calm my nerves as I flip my cell open and press dial.
"You have one unheard message," the operator informs me, "First unheard message." My chest tightens as I chew on my bottom lip and press the phone closer to my ear. There's a long silence before I hear a heavy sigh.
"What am I doing?" I hear Teresa ask so quietly that I almost miss it and then the click happens.
"End of message. To delete press-" I hang up and sit up against my headboard. My phone was gripped in my hand so tightly that my knuckles were turning white. I chewed heavily on my bottom lip and tried to keep myself from dialing those familiar digits and hearing her voice again. My lonliness was overwhelming me. I had to toss the phone into the corner of the room and walk out of it before I ran back to retrieve the silver device and call her back.
I slowly, reluctantly, walked down the carpeted hall and jogged down the stairs in need of a Heinekin. But before I could even get off the base of the stairs, the doorbell resounded and I walked toward the foyer. It was a bit chillier tonight than the normal LA weather and I shivered in my black shorts and wife beater. My hand grabbed the knob of the door before I peaked through the hole. My brows furrowed when nothing stood on my stairs and I looked out the corner window to scope the grounds.
And then I saw her.
She seemed drunk as she wobbled down the gravel path of my driveway with a million bags attached to her body. The lights on my ground flooded out the darkness and I could see her so clearly with her hair in a bun, silver hoop earrings, gray t-shirt, and gray sweats to match. It took me a minute to realize that her form was getting smaller as she walked away from my home and I found myself desperately wanting her to stop.
The door was opened before I had a chance to think and it wasn't until my bare feet were on the cold stone of my stairs that I realized what I had done and what I was saying.
"You ringin' and runnin' now?!" I called out to her, causing her form to stop in its tracks. "That's low. Even for you." My words were light and my heart was raging as I waited for anything. For something. She just stood with her back to me and I stood there waiting. I heard Brian barking in the back and I turned to shush him for a second before looking back at Teresa. She still hadn't moved.
"Teresa?" I called, just to be sure I was really seeing her in the distance. I waited a moment longer and stepped down from the open door. "Teresa?"
And then she fell.
She thumped like the bags around her. Her knees hit the ground and I heard her whimper as I ran down the stairs, not caring that the gravel was hurting my feet as I did so. All I could see was her, on the ground, hurting, and as I moved in closer, I could hear her sobbing. My heart raced even more as I neared her.
"Teresa!" I called, going up hill just a bit before finally reaching her. "Are you okay?" I asked, stepping around all the luggage surrounding her hunched over form. When I kneeled down in front of her, her head was buried in her small nights, muffling her cries. "Ter-"
My voice caught in my throat as she suddenly launched up and hugged me around my neck. The gravel shifted below me as I momentarily lost my balance, but my arms remained at my sides, not even coming out to try and help me regain my composure. Her skin of face was warm and wet from her tears as she tucked her nose into my neck. I felt her shaking, unsure of it was from the cold or the fact that she was close to me again. My body was rigid as my defensive shot up and my heart fought against my better judgment. I didn't know what to do with myself. To hug or not to hug?
Her arms tightened around my neck, squeezing the life from me, but making me feel alive again all at once. My arms were shaking as the cautiously wrapped around her petite form; my hands hestaintly placing themselves onto her back. Her skin was warm beneath her t-shirt and her body jerked when I touched her. I rubbed her back in small, soothing circles like my mother had done to me when I cried and finally took notice of the words she was trying to say through her sobs.
"What?" I asked, completely missing everything. She cried some more and I found myself confused. "Teresa, please. I can't even hear you." I tried to move her out of my neck so her voice wouldn't be muffled, but she refused to let me go. My knees were starting to hurt with the small gray rocks digging into my sensitive skin.
I tried again to move her away from me and she fought for a little bit before finally letting me go. Her face was red and her nose was running. The puffiness of her eyes did nothing to approve her look and I felt sorry for her. My heart strings were being pulled once again as she looked down at her hands and tried to calm herself down. I sat back on my butt and she sat back on her legs as she bent herself back down to her knees as if she were praying to buddha.
"I'm sorry," she apologized as she sniffled, but continued to lay her head against her knees.
"Teresa..." I called, waiting for her to lift her head, but she didn't. "Look at me." She lifted her head up and looked to her right, wiping her face and sniffling again. "I'm over here." She sucked her teeth and unwillingly looked at me.
"You must think I'm crazy," she laughed to herself sadly as she looked away from me again.
"I confirmed your insanity a long time ago," I stated, "But I have yet to confirm why you're here, bawling your eyes out, and squeezing me to death." I hadn't meant to be so mean, but I was still angry as much as I was hurt. Part of me with disgusted by her very presence, but my softer side had to know what was bringing those tears to her eyes.
"Sorry about that," she sighed as she held back a fresh set of sobs, "I just... I don't know." I rolled my eyes.
"Why doesn't that surprise me?" She looked at me with a frown and her eyes welled up with tears.
"Doesn't surprise me either," she muttered, "And I'm sorry for that too."
"Is that why you're here?" I asked impatiently, "Because if you're here to say sorry and get laid, this is no longer the place." I scoffed at her audacity and stood from the ground, wiping off my hands and knees.
"You're wrong," she said and I laughed drily.
"Right because you're here because...?"
"Because..." she trailed off.
"You don't know?" I filled in, "Shocking."
"I just got in a cab and ended up here," she told me, "I needed to go somewhere and I ended up here."
"Well, you're shit out of luck than 'cause my door's closed." She glanced over her shoulder at my front entrance and smirked.
"Looks open to me."
"You really haven't changed," I said disappointedly. I don't know what I was expecting anyway, but it still a sad sight to see.
"I didn't mean it like that," she quickly argued. "The door's open... like literally."
"Teresa, this conversation is looking pretty pointless right now," I sighed, "Unless somebody died, you need to get off of my property."
"Nobody died," she said, "Not physically anyway."
"What does that mean?"
"Why does it matter?" she suddenly snapped, "You don't care anyway, right?" I bit my tongue as I licked my lips.
"Guess not," I said, walking around her and her bags and towards the light shining through my open foyer door.
-----------------------------------------
"Wait," I called out, but he kept walking. His retreating figure made me panick. I had come here for a reason. A really good one. "Justin, please."
I'm just a stranger, even to myself
A re-arranger of the proverbial bookshelf. . .
It seemed like he had suddenly become deaf and I was annoyed as I peeled myself up from the ground I had been lying on. My nose clogged up and my eyes were burning with irritation. I had cried so long in the house, during the argument with Nicole. I cried in the cab. I cried in arms. I know he didn't owe me anything, but I felt hurt that he could easily turn his back on me. I was the heartless bitch. Not him. Not the man I loved.
Don't be a fool girl, tell him you love him. . .
"I can explain!" I shouted as he almost disappeared into his estate. I saw him hesitate for a moment before he stepped inside and slammed the door shut. I felt like I had been slapped in the face and I had to close my eyes and regain my composure before gathering my shit up. My initial reaction was to go running down to those protective gates and calling a cab to pick me up. I was embarrassed and angry and he didn't even care enough to hear me out.
But then I remembered that I had fucked up my entire world and that I didn't have enough of anything left to hold my nose in the air and act like he owed me his time and energy. He had given me a enough; possibly too much, and I had pushed it all away. When I had him, I took him for granted, and even now, as I stand in the middle of a gravel lot with nowhere to go and nobody to love me, I still had the nerves to act all indignant.
It was my attitude that cost me everyone I loved and I couldn't bear the thought of having to suffer through another loss today. A loss of a chance to be honest and open and to know that my guard didn't always have to be up. That sometimes being vulnerable was the best way to protect yourself from harm.
Don't be a fool girl, you're not above him. . .
I dropped my bags and turned toward his home. My legs quickly walked down to his door and my hands banged onto its heavy wood. I waited and there was no reply. I rang the doorbell and then knocked some more. I knocked and rang the doorbell all at once. I probably looked like a stalker and I didn't even care. I had to tell him. He had to at least know, even if he didn't care.
I never thought I could love anyone but myself. . .
"Justin!" I yelled, "You have to open the door! Please!" My voice was strained as I began to felt defeated after ten minutes of being ignored. I banged with both of my fist and found tears falling from my eyes again. I was finally ready to love him and he wouldn't even give me the time of day. It seemed like the most fucked up situation and even though I brought it onto myself, I couldn't help but feel mistreated. My heart was right here, lying on his cold stone stairs and he wouldn't even crack open the door to see.
Now I know I can't love anyone but you. . .
My fist went for the door last time, but it swung open before I could touch the wood. I lost my balance since I had been partly leaning on the door and ended up slamming my face into Justin chest. He groaned and snatched up my wrists to push me back.
"What?!" he shouted in my face, holding onto my wrists. "What do you want from me?"
"I just want you to listen!" I yelled back. He dropped my wrists and stared at me.
"You've said enough to me," he said, "More than enough."
"I haven't told you anything," I impugned, "I haven't told you what you really needed to hear. I haven't told you the truth."
"The truth?" he scoffed, "Do you even know what it means to be truthful?"
You make me think that maybe I won't die alone. . .
"In my case, it means being absolutely terrified, but willing, regardless of the consequences because honesty is the only way. It's the only way to make everything so much lighter, even if you lose. The weight of a lie is no longer on your shoulders and there's nothing more liberating than knowing that you're no longer living a lie."
"Am I suppose to cry now?" he asked sarcastically, "'cause if I am, I just don't have it in me any more." My stomach knotted as I remembered how wounded he sounded when I told him I didn't love him. I remembered how he hunched over the sink and let his tears fall freely from his piercing eyes.
"I never wanted to make you cry," I stated softly, "I never wanted to hurt you-"
"Could you not?" he requested, already backing into the foyer, "I really don't have time for this, Teresa."
"Justin, I-" My words were wedged between my self-consciousness and defense and I tried to push them from my throat.
"You what?" he finally asked, annoyed with my sudden silence.
Maybe I won't die alone. . .
I couldn't seem to find my words and he rolled his eyes. I could see him detaching himself from the situation and I panicked as I tried to get him to stay.
"Don't," I said, "I'm gonna say, I just don't want to get it wrong."
"What?" he asked. "What could you possibly say to make things worse?"
What have I become?
Something soft and really quite dumb
Because I've fallen, oh, 'cuz I've fall-fallen, oh 'cuz I've fall-fall-fallen
So far away from the place where I started from. . .
"I'm not trying to make it worse," I said earnestly, "I'm trying to make it better."
"Well, Jesus better be in one of those duffel bags 'cause that's the only person that can make us better."
I never thought I could love anyone
I never thought I could love anyone
I never thought I could love anyone. . .
"Justin Randall Timberlake," I said sharply, "You and this sarcasm is making it harder to say this."
"Well, how about I help you out," he said, plastering on the fakest smile, "I'm just gonna head back inside, slam this door in your face, and then you can talk to nobody and not deal with me and my fuckin' sarcasm."
"You have a right to be angry," I told him, "But you have a right to know."
But you, but you, but you, but you, but you
But you make me think that maybe I won't die alone. . .
"To know what?" he huffed, a bored expression taking over his baby-like features. I searched his eyes and despite his asshole act, I could tell he wanted to know.
"Justin," I sighed, "I want you to know that this is the scariest moment of my life."
"I'm shaking in my Nike shorts," he quipped. I stopped myself from rolling my eyes.
"I have to tell you though," I said, "I have to let you know this because I can't keep it in."
"Come on," he whined, "Just say whatever bullshit you have to say so I can get back to bed and-"
"I love you," I interrupted, surprising him and myself. My heart did a cartwheel and Justin's bored expression fell from his face. My shoulders were still heavy as his eyes searched mines and I licked my drying lips.
Maybe I won't die alone. . .
Author's Chapter Notes:
bahhhhhhhhhhhhhh.... review! haha
Chapter End Notes:
Die Alone - Ingrid Michaelson
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