Slip Up
I smiled.
She smiled.
We smiled.
It was a nice day. Justin was doing some press and Nicole had finally found some time to spend with me. This was what I needed. Quality girl time that had nothing to do with her perfect boyfriend and my not so perfect drama. We've been giving each other pedi's and medi's and I did her hair before she did mine. Then we ordered out from Pizza Roma a few minutes away and walked to get chinese while we waited for the other food.
Yeah, we were pigging out and loving it. Shane would've scowled at my plate and ask me if I was really going to eat all of that and Justin. . . well, Justin would've eaten with me and complained when I said I was full.
I frowned.
Nicole was smiling, bits of amusement still lingering in her face from our previous conversation about our acne days; a time when, despite our hideous skin, we basked in our 'undercover beauty'. Sexiness that only we could see past our pizza faces and braces.
"Girl, we were ugly," she laughed, "I'm sorry, but it's the truth. It has to be true if I'm playing my damn self by saying it."
"We weren't ugly," I whined, but smirked, "We were a little rough, but it's cool. Look at us now. Sexy as shit."
"Yeah, but we still looked like shit back then," she said, "Shoot, I still look like shit sometimes."
"Please," I disregared with a roll of my eyes, "You are gorgeous." She shrugged and got that disbelieving look. I know it sounded like a cliche thing to say, but it's true. Nicole was five foot nine and had these long as legs that I couldn't even dream about. Her skin was darker than mine; a milk chocolate complexion that complimented her dark large eyes. She was an opposite of me. My skin was a caramel tone and I had light green eyes. I was short and stubby and the only time I came close to her height was when I wore my stilletos. Even then I couldn't beat her.
"Whatever," she said, "Where is that damn pizza? I'm starving." I shrugged this time and took a bite out of my egg roll.
"I'm about to just eat your lo mein and call it a night."
"Touch my shit and I'll smack you," she threatened with a smile, "You are greedy, you know that?" The moment she said that, my mind flashed by to Justin's and mine conversation in the car the day that Shane and I went out to dinner. The dinner that I ditched Justin for. The dinner that led to a chaotic vacation that turned into a terrible nightmare that led me here.
"Yeah, I know. . ." I was greedy. I was greedy for Justin and I was greedy for Shane. I glanced at Nicole and looked down at my hands. It had been three days since that stupid lunch and I haven't had a minute without Justin on my mind. Whenever she came home smiling, I shuddered because I knew it was him who caused it.
I didn't want to share. I didn't want Nicole to have those intimate moments Justin and I had. I didn't want to share his sense of humor or the way he kissed. I didn't want to share his body or the way he holds a body. My body. Her body.
But who the hell was I? You can't share what isn't yours. You can want it. You can long for it. You can dream about it every got damn night, but it's still not yours.
"Do you miss him?" I blinked when Nicole spoke and stammered as I responded.
"Miss. . . what? Who? What?" She laughed and shook her head.
"Shane, dummy. Do you miss Shane?" I shrugged.
"I don't know. . ." I didn't know. I missed Shane when I missed Justin, but I always missed Justin first and then Shane, only because Shane was my only alternative.
"I hope you don't," she said, "He's an ass." And I'm a bitch.
Perfect couple.
"But I wasn't right either-"
"Oh, whatever," Nicole interrupted, "You did nothing but stand by that man, even when he was doing you wrong."
"Yeah. . ." I mumbled, more guilty than before.
So. . . I guess you've already guessed that Nicole doesn't know my dirt either. Don't judge me just yet. She is my friend and I tell her just about everything. Just about. I told her Shane was cheating and I told her we were having problems and she knows I can't seem to just walk away, but she doesn't know I've cheated on him. And I can't tell her.
Ever.
See, Nicole is the only human being on the face of this earth who hasn't screwed me over. She means a lot to me. Even though I'm a complete fuck up, she admires me. Probably because she thinks I'm Mother Teresa. If she knew I was doing dirt like Shane, she'd kick me out on my ass and never speak to me again. The one thing Nicole truly hates is a cheater. When I said she knew how to pick a man, it was because of that. It was because every man she's ever encountered has cheated. Even her father cheated on her mother with three other women, at the same time.
I don't want to tarnish the clean image she has of me. I don't want her to look at me with the same digust Justin did the night I told him about Shane and I. I didn't want her to hate me.
So I refuse to tell her about Justin and I've decided to suck up the reality in front of me and just live with it.
I had no choice.
"Forget I even mentioned him," Nicole said, confusing my pout as a result of Shane on the brain. "Can we talk about something?" She shyly looked down at her hands and my chest tightened.
That was the Justin look.
"Sure?" I asked more than said and she giggled.
"I know you're sick of hearing me talk about him, but Tee. . . He's so different." Her eyes were just gleaming. "He actually asked if it was alright for him to introduce me as his girlfriend from now on. How cute is that? Dudes usually have me guessing and pushing for a title."
"Well. . . that's great. Really, it is."
"I didn't say yes to it," she said.
"Why?" I smiled despite myself and Nicole shrugged.
"I don't know. . ." she trailed off before sighing so heavily it made me concern.
"Nick, what's wrong?" She shrugged.
"Teresa. . . when I look at him, I can practically picture what our kids would look like. . ." I cleared my throat.
"Really?" I asked.
"Yeah. . ." she laughed, "I know it sounds real cheesy, but you don't understand what he's doing to me. . . I feel like if he asked me to go to the moon, I would."
"Wow."
"I know. . . I'm sprung as hell and I can't even say I'm dick whipped. We ain't even having sex." She burst into a laughing fit and I smiled solemnly.
"He must be real special than, huh?" I took another bite of my egg roll and chewed slowly. "He must be really different from those other guys."
"I don't know. . . maybe." She tucked a strand of hair behind her ear. "What if he isn't? What if he's out to hit it and quit or tell me he loves me and cheat the next day?"
"What if. . . what if. . ." I said softly, "Worry about what is. Justin hasn't done anything to make you suspcious. You've spent just about every minute of your free time with him, so you know him well enough. You've even met his mom. I think that all points to things that say it's okay to be his girl. Shit, it even says you are his girl."
Nicole smiled. "So. . . you think I should say yes?"
I paused. I didn't want to be the one to say it. I didn't want to be the one to lock her down to him and give permission for titles, but she was waiting. Looking at me like she was anticipating the words of Ghandi.
"I think. . ." I paused again. "I think you should say whatever you know will make you happy." I liked that response. It wasn't a yes and it wasn't a no. It was a neutral stance. That way nothing would be on my hands.
"I think I should say yes than," she smiled, "Girl, I'm gonna call him now." She jumped up from the floor, nearly knocking over my Ginger Ale and made a beeline for the stairs. It didn't take long for me to hear her door close. I could hear the bed squeak as she jumped on it and I could feel stomach churn just a little bit more.
Then the door bell rung.
Pizza. Food. A way to keep me preoccupied as the love birds confirm their new 'relationship'.
I rolled my eyes, hating that damn knot in my stomach that happens whenever I feel sad, and stood. I walked toward the door, money in hand, dragging my feet. I unlocked the door and pulled it open, ready to devour every inch of our cheese steak pizza.
But when my eyes landed on my supposed pizza deliverer, thoughts of eating were out of my mind. All I could do was stand and stare like a damn deer in headlights. Then my eyes sent a signal to my brain and told me exactly what to say.
"Shane?"
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"You've been smiling an awful lot lately," my mom said, smiling her damn self as I strolled into the kitchen and placed a kiss on her cheek.
"Well, what can I say?" I cheesed, "I've got a hot date tonight."
"Nicole?" she asked knowingly.
"Always," I smirked, "I asked her to be my girlfriend the other night."
"Really?" She got all excited and I laughed. "Well, I take it she said yes."
"Not at first," I said, "She had to think it over, but she just called to let me know that she's a-okay with us being. . . well, us." I laughed to myself, popping a seedless grape from the fruit salad my mom was eating into my mouth. She swatted me away and grinned.
"I'm so happy for you."
"Me too," I said. I shifted around the kitchen to the fridge and opened it. I grabbed a Gatorade bottle and kicked the door closed, doing a little jig all the while.
"So. . ." I looked up at my mom, not liking her hesitation. That was never a good sign.
"So what?" I asked cautiously. She shrugged and I rolled my eyes. "Mom. . . just ask."
"I was just wondering, ya know. . . What happened to Teresa?" I looked down at my juice, twisting off the cap and taking a sip.
"She's alive," I mumbled.
"Well, I didn't really doubt that, but where is she? Have you seen her lately."
"Why does it matter?" I snapped. "Since when do you care?" My mother looked shocked and offended and I felt extremely bad.
"Sorry, I didn't mean to upset you, baby," she said softly, "I was just curious." She poked at her salad and I looked at her through the corner of my eye. Silence was now awkward and I hated it.
"Mom. . ." I whined, "I'm sorry, I just. . . I didn't want to think about how messed up this is."
"What is?" she asked.
"Nicole and I."
"I thought you were fine."
"We are. . ." I said, "It's just that. . . As if God's out to get me or something. . . Teresa. . ." My mom looked confused and I couldn't blame her.
"Justin, what are you saying?"
"I'm saying that Teresa. . . Teresa and Nicole are friends." She choked on a pineapple piece. I ran over and patted her back firmly and she held my waist with her hand.
"Are you kidding me?"
"I wish," I sighed, "Of all the Teresa's in the world, why her?"
"That is a just a thorn in your side, huh?" my mama asked, "Some rain on your parade. . . A. . .uh. . . what else is there?" I laughed.
"It's okay," I said, "None of those sayings could amount to the pile of shit that this is." My mom nodded in agreement.
"Well, don't let it bring you down."
"I won't," I said, "Teresa is not a problem for me. I like Nicole and that's where my mind is. She's my only focus."
"Good," my mother said, "Keep your eye on the prize."
"Exactly."
She went back to her fruit salad. I went back to lying to myself. Nicole may be on my mind, but Teresa's still in my heart.
I didn't want to admit it. I didn't want to say that seeing her the other day made me miss her just a little more. I didn't want anyone to know that going into the bathroom and being an ass to her took a lot of me and left me feeling guilty.
I had made her cry and I had no intentions of doing so.
I bet she didn't think I saw it, but the glaze of her eyes were piercing my heart and when her tear brimmed the edge her eye, I left. I turned my back to fast and retreated that I'm surprised I didn't get whiplash.
What did you expect? Some miracle? Some magic that could just erase all the love I have for her?
If only.
But my liking of Nicole is genuine. She really is a wonderful woman that I'm lucky to have. She's fine. She's smart. She's funny. She loves music more than I do and she can dance. . . but most importantly, she holds my hand. Kisses me. Plays with my hair.
In public.
There was to secrecy. There was no other man. It was a real relationship and that's exactly what I needed.
Teresa couldn't give me that.
"Justin?" My mother's soft voice broke into my thoughts and I turned to her slowly.
"Yes?" She sighed and her brows furrowed in deep thought before she finally stood and walked over to me. She took my hand inbetween her two and squeezed them.
"Be with Nicole for the right reason," she said, "Don't rebound on this one if that's what you're trying to do."
"It's not," I argued, "I really like Nicole."
"Okay, but just make sure that your heart and mind are on the same page," she told me, "There's no need to rush things either. God willing, you'll have plenty of time to figure things out." I nodded, taking her advice for what it was and choosing not to argue.
"Okay, thanks, mama." She kissed my cheek and patted my hands before letting me go.
"I'm gonna head on down to Trace's," she told me, "He's been feeling a little ill lately." I nodded.
"Tell him 'hi' for me," I said, waving her off as she exited the kitchen, leaving me completely alone.
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"What the hell are you doing here?" I snapped once I got over the initial shock of his presence. He blinked and looked me over. I crossed my arms over my chest, blocking the view my V neck spagetti-strapped night shirt was giving him.
He smirked like it was nothing and tried to step inside. I put my hand up to stop him. "What? I can't come in?"
"Are you on crack?!" I yelled, before pushing him back. "'Cause drugs could be the only reason why you're acting like nothing ever happened."
"We happened. The same ol' shit happened. Why are you being all indignant now?" I narrowed my eyes and scoffed.
"You really are dumber than I thought." I slammed the door in his face and turned to sit back on the sofa when Nicole came running down the steps, all dressed up and in a hurry.
"Sorry, girl, but Justin just said he wanted to eat," she giggled, "I've gotta go."
"Okay," I said nonchalantly, even though pangs of jealousy were shooting through me. I slouched down on the couch and watched as she ran around for her shoes.
"Have you seen-"
"Right by the door," I said, knowing that she only wore her bright red pumps with her bright red belt. She smiled when she spotted them and thanked me. I nodded, no longer wanting her around so I wouldn't think about her leaving to be with Justin.
"Okay, I'm out!"
"Yay!" I mocked. She rolled her eyes and opened the door to run out, but she hesitated before I heard her not so happy voice. "What the hell are you doing here?"
"Minding my business." Oh. Shane. I almost forgot about him. I guess me slamming the door in his face wasn't enough for him to leave this time.
"Well, mind it somewhere else 'cause you are not welcomed here."
"I think Teresa can be the judge of that," Shane retorted. I rolled my eyes, tired and bored with this. . . argument.
"And I think this is my house." She had a point there.
"Nicole, I don't have time for this-"
"And I don't allow pets in my home," she sneered, "So your doggin' behind can go on and get." I smiled and gave her some mental brownie points for that. It was moments like these that I really loved Nicole.
Shane didn't say anything for a while, so I thought he left, but Nicole was still baricading the door.
"Nicole, please. . ." He sighed heavily and Nicole sucked her teeth.
"Give me one good reason why I should give a damn." I sat up, waiting for his lame ass line to come.
"Because I love her." I inwardly groaned and Nicole groaned out loud.
"You've gotta be kidding me," she said, "Love? Love is not enough. Tee is done with you. Fenito. Finished. No more. White flaggin' her surrender."
"I just want to talk to her."
"You just want to fuck her." Amen, sister! I thought before reconsidering. Nicole was going out. I was bored and lonely. . . If he was putting out, why not?
I sprung up from the couch, letting my logical side fall into my subconscious. I didn't want to remind myself that there would be a morning after that would be even more fucked up then my current situation. I didn't care. I went a month without so much as a hug from the opposite sex and I needed some type of affection in my life.
"Nicole," I said, once I crept up behind her figure. She glanced over her shoulder and looked down at me.
"He was just about to leave, Teresa," she mumbled, "You don't have to worry about him." I looked at Shane and he looked at me, smirking seductively. I smiled back, letting him think he was running this shit for just a moment, before I gently removed Nicole's hand from the door.
"It's cool," I said, "Enjoy your date." She looked at me disappointedly and I turned away and focused on Shane. I know I was wrong, but damn it, it was about to feel right.
"Alright," she said reluntantly, "Don't wait up."
"You do the same." She shot Shane a dirty look and walked out of the house and to her car. I waited for her to drive away to look back at Shane.
"Sorry-" I pulled him by the collar and pressed our lips together in a feverish kiss.
I didn't want to hear the lies. I didn't want to think. I just wanted his touch. His feel. His body.
At least for a little while.
================================
"I really can't believe her," Nicole scoffed, "Letting that pig back in that fast. Sexing him all over my sofa. . . Now I have to get a new sofa." I jabbed at my baked flounder and listened to Nicole continue her rant about Teresa. . . and Shane.
I wanted to cut my ears off and save myself some agony, but I'll leave that shit up to VanGough's crazy ass instead.
"Look. . . she's gonna do what you want regardless of what you say or feel," I sighed, knowing it all too way, "Teresa's an adult. She knows right from wrong, so if she wants to put her head up her ass and fuck around with that Shane guy, so be it." I sighed again and felt Nicole staring at me, so I looked up to meet her gaze. She looked slightly confused by my bitter tone, but just shook her head and sighed as well.
"I know I shouldn't even care and I know that she's an adult, but still. . ." She laughed lightly. "I love that dumb hoe and it just pisses me off that she does the same ol' shit, ya know?"
"Oh, yeah. . . I know." She smirked and reached to out to me. I gave her my hand and she thumbed it gently.
"I'm ruining our dinner, aren't I?"
"No, you're not," I assured, "I'm glad you can talk to me."
"Me too," she smiled, "You know. . . I was actually about to say no to the whole girlfriend thing." I frowned.
"Why?" I asked.
"Because. . . I was scared," she said, "I didn't want to put my guard down and get hurt again."
"You aren't the only one," I told her, "Believe me, I wasn't ready to jump in on this either, but. . . I feel good about us."
"So do I. . ." Nicole confessed, "But still. . . I was worried that I was being blinded by infactuation. I've been this road before. I've been so excited just to have someone that I didn't really take the time to examine the flaws of the relationship. I didn't want to make the same mistake with you."
I nodded understandably. "What made you change your mind?"
"Teresa." I paused my eating to look at Nicole.
"Really?"
"Yeah," she smiled, "Why are you so surprised?"
"I'm not. . . I'm just. . ." I cleared my throat. "What'd she say?"
"She basically said that you were a great man and that I had nothing to worry about." I absorbed her words and was flattered for a moment before I realized it was crap. If Teresa thought I was so great, why am I here? Why am I with Nicole instead of her? Why does Nicole know all about Shane, but nothing about me?
"That was nice of her to say," I lied, looking down at my plate, "She seems to have sense when it comes to others, but not herself."
"She has sense," Nicole defended, "She just puts it away when Shane enters the picture."
"Still. . ."
"Everybody has a weakness, Justin," Nicole told me, "Shane just happens to be hers."
"That's stupid."
"That's love."
"Love?" I questioned, putting down my fork, "Going back to somebody who constantly cheats on you is not love, it's desperation and naive tendacies that confuses a person into believing it's love when it's not. When it's just that person being a complete and utter idiot who deserves better than the shit they've been getting." Nicole was a bit taken back my outburst and I immediately overwhelmed with guilt and embarrassment.
"Justin-"
"I'm sorry," I apologized.
"I never told you he cheated on her." I furrowed my brows and quickly looked back on our date, only to discover that she had in fact left out that tiny detail. I glanced over at my kitchen sink and then my fridge and island before meeting her gaze again.
"Really?" I asked, freigning innocence.
"Really," she said, "Do you know Shane?" I shrugged before shaking my head.
"Nah," I smirked, nervously, before looking back at my food, "I guess I just assumed he was cheating 'cause that's a typical asshole move." I tried to laugh, but it came out dry as a desert and Nicole didn't seem particularly convinced, but she just shrugged and jabbed at her filet.
"I guess." Silence came over us and for the first time, it was truly awkward. Not that shy, cute silence. Not that comfortable I-just-want-to-be-with-you silence. It was the tense what-just-happened-in-the-last-ten-seconds-silence.
It felt like our first real fight when we silently cleared the table, both of us trying to make small talk to ease things up, but failing miserably. I ended up taking her home by eleven and coming home alone.
I felt so lame.
I felt so dumb.
I felt like I had been here before in this lonely, confused, embarrassed, regretful state of mind.
And I had. And amazingly enough, it was because of Teresa. Stupid, stupid Teresa.
Why am I not surprised? Even when she's not around, she finds a way to screw me over and over and over again.
And again.
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I was still screaming.
My head was still pounding.
I was still wondering how I could be so stupid.
Shane was all over me and I wasn't complaining. His tongue tangled itself with mine as he hungry devoured my mouth. I felt my earlier intentions of being in control slipping away and falling to my feet, just like the sweat pants he had just torn off of me.
"No," I said as Shane backed me toward the steps. I didn't want to do this in my bed. I didn't want him to think this had any meaning. Shane seemed confused for a moment, but quickly disregarded it when I pulled his shirt over his head and sucked on his neck the moment the cloth hit the ground, piling up with my clothing.
It was going so well.
"Shit!" The fridge was cold against my hot skin when Shane shoved me against it before lifting me up to cling to his waist with my legs. I was overwhelmed when our most intimate parts grinded against each other with nothing but our underwear separating us. Underwear that was soon disregarded as Shane set me down to run and get a condom from his pants pocket that was somewhere in the living room where I had carelessly tossed them.
I felt some weariness wash over me. Uncertainty. I knew that if I was gonna stop this from happening, it would have to be now. . . but Shane came back into the kitchen in nothing but a condom protecting the one thing of his that I'd never get tired of.
I really want to kick myself; hard and fast.
Shane had me laid out of the counter and clinging to him as he moved inside of me. He felt a whole lot better than I remembered and I all my doubt had disappeared. My whole body was numb, but feeling everything he was doing to me. All the kisses. All the thrust. All the heat and bits and scratches.
It all felt so wonderful. This is what I wanted. I wanted to escape and I did. My mind had gone and only my euphoric body was left behind.
I felt myself crumbling beneath him. It really had been too long. I could usually outlast Shane, but it seemed like he was going to beat me and hold out longer. I didn't want him to win, so I pushed my hips upward, arching my back, and thrust against him, rolling my lips to match his rhythm. The change of position seemed to work to my advantage, in more ways than one, and Shane moaned.
But than the bastard decided to hold onto his competitiveness and slide himself completely out of me before ramming back in. That's all it took.
I'm so stupid.
I couldn't remember the last time I came so hard in my life. My mind was all hazy and my body was trembling. I was completely out of my mind.
"Oh, Justin. . ."
Completely.
Damn.
What?" I wasn't even hearing Shane because I hadn't realized my mistake until I opened my eyes and matched the face to the name that didn't quite add up.
"What?" I breathed, freigning confusion as Shane furrowed his brows and pulled away from me. My body felt cold as he marched out of the kitchen. I laid on the counter and took in a deep breath before I jumped off of it, making a mental note to disinfect the entire house before Nicole got home.
"You were thinking about that-" Shane stopped speaking as he pulled up his pants and buckled his belt.
"Shane, I just-"
"Don't," he scoffed.
"Don't get all huffy on me," I argued weakly, "That shouldn't even matter because it was just sex. It's not like we're back together or something." He continued getting dressed. "Are you really gonna leave? You didn't even get off." I laughed lightly for a reason unbeknownst to me as I watched him put on his sneakers.
"You know what," he suddenly began after silently marching toward the door, "You're right. We're not together." He looked at me over his shoulder and for a slipt second, I saw a type of sadness in them that I hadn't seen before.
And then he slammed the door in my face.
"LAME!" I yelled out to the ceiling as I laid in my bed before remembering that Nicole was sleeping across the hall. She had come home early, but I had already cleaned the entire has in the mist of my madness. She hadn't said a word. She just marched upstairs and went to bed.
I wondered if Justin had called out my name.
I wondered if Shane was okay.
I wondered how I could lose so much control over a situation (rather situations) that I thought I had covered.
Then I wondered if there was some undiscovered island that I could discreetly disappear to so I could end all my suffering.
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