Scars  

 I duck my head, following my friends through the crowded club. It's busy as hell in here but it feels good to get out. I feel like I've been working forever, haven't had a second to breathe, let alone take some time off to just hang out but it's okay because as far as work was concerned, it wasn't always like it. A little over a year ago, I was a mess. I'd just dealt with one of the biggest heartbreaks of my life and thats when I had completly shut down for a while. I didn't care about work, about apperances, about making music, or showing up at this event or that gig. I was just a mess. It's something I try to think about less and less as the days go by, but it's never completely out of my head. I don't think it ever will be. It's like once your heart gets broken, you learn to move on and you learn to forgive, but deep down, you never truly forget. Pain, as deep and as strong as what I felt just doesn't go away.

She doesn't make it any easier for me either. See, it's not until about a month ago my ex-girlfriend started texting me again. At first it was surprising and I wanted nothing more then to respond back, saying I missed her to as she so charmingly put it but I knew better. I still do even if their may be a tiny part of my resolve thats still left inside of my shielded heart. I loved her more than I'd ever loved anyone in my whole life but it only takes a second for that to all be shot to hell, as it was for me and with that pain, leaves a great deal of scars. Scars that I'm still trying to heal.

We take a seat in the corner of the club, away from the bigger crowds and it's a little bit quieter over here but not by much. I can still feel the music throbbing just another room away. It's not long before drinks are passed around and I don't even hesitate to reach for one, taking a rather large sip from my glass, wincing slightly as it burns down my throat. I don't even know what the hell it is but right now, I don't even care. I just want to forget about everything tonight but deep down, I want to forget about her. I don't even know why these thoughts keep coming back to me. I've moved on for the most part, but something feels a little off. It was just last night that I got another one of her so called 'I really miss you' texts and it hasn't been out of my head ever since. I wish she'd stop, just kind of dissolve from my life because until then, I'm never going to fully heal or get over it. I'd like to think I'm doing okay right now, I'm making music again, I'm writing music that's not just about broken hearts, and I'm making my marks on the charts these days. Like I said, I'm getting there. A year may seem like a long time but if only pain seemed to go away with the snap of a finger, if only is all I can say. It just doesn't go away like that. It follows me wherever I go sometimes. I'll see someone that looks like her, smells like her, has a laugh similar to hers and I'm flashed back into those painful moments where I miss everything.

Love it such an interesting word. It can make you feel things you never thought possible. It can bring you up, make you feel like you can take over the world or it can bring you down, to the lowest feeling ever. You give your heart to someone else and with that, you put it at risk. A a risk is an unsteady word.

What he had was no ordinary love. We were together for over two years and in those two years, I thought things were great. We had a sense of understanding with one another, not to mention a love that I hadn't had before. I'll say it again, I fell hard. Harder than I've ever done before. I saw a future with her, maybe even someday getting married and that right there for me is major headway. I never pictured myself getting married, having a family and settling down and all it took to change my mind was her. I thought it'd just one day fizzle out but it never did. Not until one day she up and left. Her explanation was half ass, as she didn't really explain things to me but it was like once she walked out the door, that in itself was all I needed to know. She gave up on me, on us and that's just the theory I had to live with, along with the scars she left behind.

I turn my head as someone taps me on the shoulder and when my eyes see her, it's literally almost to take. You've got to be kidding me. My heart begins to thud against my chest and I have to remind myself that theres a reason for everything. I look away quickly, trying to include myself in the loud conversation going on around me, laughing as if I know what's going on. I need a distraction. Hell, I need to get out of here. I can see her out of the corner of my eye, her long hair just slightly wavy laying against her exposed back from her halter top. Her tall lengthy form clad in tight jeans and it takes everything in my power not to stare, not to imagine her any further. Not to reminice on what she looks like without.. Shit! I curse just under my breath as memories come floating back into my head.

I blink, preventing the sun to blind my eyes as early morning begins to make it's way through my bedroom. I don't want to get up and leave. I don't want to leave this moment.

I look over to my left to see her sleeping form, laying face down on the pillow, her long hair draped over one shoulder, her naked back exposed from where the sheet doesn't cover. This is what makes the leaving, the traveling, the distance hurt so much. I never thought it'd get to me but I just don't want to leave her. I want to stay in bed all day, with her by my side.

I roll to my side, moving so I'm laying against her, my hand reaching out to trace patterns against the smooth skin of her back. It's not long before she's stirring a little, her eyes blinking slightly before they expose specks of green, looking back at me.

I smile, leaning forward, my nose brushing against hers. Her hand comes up to my cheek, holding it in her palm as her thumb moves across my jaw bone. I lean into her touch, never wanting it to stop, knowing it won't ever be enough. And it's this too that makes it even harder to leave.

"You gotta leave already?" She asks, her face sad.

I glance over at the bedside clock, knowing that I have to get up and get around soon.

I nod slowly, my forehead leaning down to rest against hers. "In a while. I don't wanna leave you." I mumble.

"I don't want you to go." She says, her face falling.

"You know I love you right?" I ask and smile as her face mirrors mine. "And it's only a few weeks. I'll be back before you know it."

"I love you Justin. So much that it sometimes it scares me."

I lean down a little, my lips finally meshing with hers as I do my best to deepen it, to savor the flavor of her, the feel of her, hoping it's enough to last me while I'm gone.

"Don't be scared babe. We're fine. I promise it won't always be like this."

She nods back at me, trying to look confident. I hate leaving her but it's my job. She's always been so good about my career. Always my biggest fan.

"I know. I'll be right here waiting for you when you get back."

I smile, bringing her fully into my arms, her chest laying against mine, as I feel her heart beat along with my own, as she wraps her arms around my neck. I trace lazy patterns once again down her back just happy to hold her, to feel her skin against my own. We've lasted longer times apart than this before. I know we'll be fine. We love each other and that's what's most important. I close my eyes as I watch hers flutter shut. It's still early out but I'm going to hold her for as long as I can, before I have to go.

I'm snapped back into reality as someone bumps into me, almost spilling itheir drink down the sleeve of my leather jacket and I don't even hesitate to down the rest of my drink that was meant solely for sipping slowly. My mind is slightly hazy but it doesn't interfere with the one thing I wished it for. She's still here, still there in my mind and it takes all of my willpower to put that shield back up. I've dated here and there but nothing has really stuck and I know it's because I'm still a wreck from being hurt. I never thought i'd be cought up in some kind of funk for so long, let alone be this heart broken but it seems now out of all the times in my life, she had to come to the one place we used to come to together and the one night she knew I'd be here.

I watch as she laughs casually, mingling with her group of friends she's with and I can't even prevent the smile that comes to my lips. I miss that laugh. I miss waking up to her in the mornings and finding her face buried in the crook of my neck, her nose resting against my skin. Most days we'd sit across from each other, sipping on coffee while I peak at her from over the top of the news paper, stealing glances, kisses, making promises for the future. I have to tell myself that that's all over now and that I need to close that little chapter in my heart. She left me, with a pain I never even thought possible. I understand her for wanting to see what else life could give her. I honestly can't blame her. I was a boyfriend who was gone more than I was home but it never seemed to be an issue. She had other plans, wanting to go back to school, to further her career and I thought I had heard she even discussed moving away. Had that been true, I wouldn't be stuck in this position right now, doing everything in my power to avoid looking at her.

Now normally, it'd be typical of me to just grab the most random girl around me in my group of friends and just start dancing but something inside just won't let me do that. She's not with another guy so theres no need to rub anything in. I do have to remind myself though, she was the one that left me. Her feelings should be the least of my worries right about now but their not. I honestly hate myself that I still care, that I still feel but I know deep down that with more time, it will all eventually go away. She will just be a memory burned in the back of my brain. When I catch a whiff of the perfume she wears, it won't burn my chest like it once did. I know this, or at least that's what I keep telling myself.

I tip back the beer that I just grabbed, taking a sip and looking quickly for another distraction before Trace pulls me up, eying for me to follow him and I readily nod. Maybe I could make it out of here without her seeing me. I think I just need some air. A chance to clear my head of the cobwebs fucking up my thoughts, something inside of me second guessing myself once again. Theres been times when she's sent me little text messeges, telling me that she know's she messed up, that she takes full responsibility for everything that my fingers have itched to call her, to message her back and tell her I miss her too. I think it's just the fact that I'm dealing with being loney. I've always been the type of guy to always have a girlfriend around me, to always need to be close, to feel connected to someone but now, after the hurricane of heartbreak I've been through within the last year, I'm slowly teaching myself the opposite. I'm learning to breath on my own, to live on my own two feet without her to fall back on but everyone knows that I'm just a guy, and spoken from a man himself, us guys are weak sometimes.

I swallow another drink of my beer, hoping to somehow magically become buzzed, to shake some of these thoughts from my messed up head. Wherever Trace is leading us to, better have one big ass distraction. There are way too many people around us, everyone bumping into each other no matter which way you try to manuver through and I thought I had made it through scott free, seeing the exit sign not far away when I feel someones hand on my shoulder.

My head turns and my mouth suddenly becomes dry, as my blue eyes lock with light green ones. My mind goes somewhat blank but doesn't prevent the thudding that starts in my chest, so hard I can feel it deep in my throat.

"Justin..." She says, surprised but a smile instantly makes it's away across her lightly pinkened lips.

I tell myself to remain calm. It's been so damn long. I nod my head upwards, acknowledging her.

"Hey." I say, turning my eyes to her hand on which quickly falls off me when my eyes meet in. I look back at her, trying to keep my eyes cold.

"It's been forever." She says and moves from one foot to another, her arms going up to fold at her chest.

I nod in agreement, wondering what exactly she's getting at.

"Could we um, maybe go somewhere and talk?" She asks, her voice soft but I can hear the urgency. "Please?"

I look around, trying to find an excuse, noting Trace is nowhere around me. Shit. I can feel my resistance crumbling. I'm terrible at lying on the spot and that desperate "please" she had to add has me ready to give in. Sometimes all it took was a look from her to get me to do stuff.

I breathe out a sigh, nodding my head as I start to move, remembering a small lobby area when we came in earlier. I'm not surprised as I continue to bump into people and I have no idea if she's behind me or not so I quickly stop and began to turn my body when I feel someone crash into me. I almost drop my beer bottle but don't even have to look up to know it's her. I tell myself not to breathe in but it's too late as her scent is wrapped all around me, swallowing me whole. Her chest collided with mine and just when I try to bring my head up, my nose brushes with hers. We both stop, and I dare myself to open my eyes, my lashes making way to her green orbs. It's all too much. I peek down at her lips, still a pale color of pink and I can almost bet that they're still soft and taste like heaven. I feel her breath against my lips and at that moment something snaps me back to reality and it's right then that I know that this was a bad idea.

I cough uncomfortably and take two steps back, giving us some distance.

She smiles back at me weakly. "Sorry." I hear her say but I don't belive it one bit because I can see it written all over her face. The hunger, the want.

I'm not being cocky by any means. I've known her long enough to be able to crack that code with the flip of a switch.

"S'okay." I say quickly before turning around as I began weaving through people, finally to the lobby, making sure she's behind me.

I look around at deep red carpet, paying extra close attention to my white sneakers. Anything to avoid looking directly at her. It's quiet in here. Almost too quiet. I walk over to a small table in the corner, setting my beer down and taking off my jacket before going back over to stand in front of her, but their is just enough space between us.

I look up, hearing her cough in that nervous way she always used to do. "So..." She trails off, hooking her fingers in the belt loops of her low strung jeans. I try not to look at her hips or her tanned skin or how I remember the way it used to feel.

"Yeah?" I question. If anyone has something to say, it should be her.

She looks back at me nervously. "It's been a while. I- How are you doing?" She asks, her voice fumbling.

I tell her the first thing that pops into my head. "I'm good." Maybe not great, but dammit, I'm getting there.

"Good." She smiles, fidgeting again. I don't ever remember seeing her this nervous. She always held herself pretty well.

I nod, waiting for her to speak again but she doesn't. The silence is too much, making my mind race, wanting to ask so many questions, wanting to yell, scream, ask her what in the hell was so damn important to just give up everything we had together, to just throw it all away and leave me the way she did.

My hand comes up to my lip, swiping it with my thumb easily before my eyes burn into hers, and my patience snaps. "What are you doing here?"

I need to know because she needs to stop showing up at places where I'm at. I know she's not stupid. She knows where I go.

Her eyes go wide a little, shocked not only by my question but probably by the sharpness in my voice. "I just wanted, to tell you that, um, that-."

"That what?" I finally ask, my voice going up another octave higher than before.

I wince a little, noticing the hurt look on her face. She always hated arguing which is why I think in my own opinion, she simply just left. She wasn't looking for an angry screaming match or for me to beg and plead for her to stay. It just wasn't her style.

She tucks a few strands of hair behind her ear and takes a step closer before stopping shortly in front of me. Her eyes come up, holding with mine in a steady stare.

"I wanted to tell you I'm sorry." She huffs out. "I'm sorry I left you the way I did. You didn't deserve that. I owed you more."

I tighten my jaw a little, trying to process her words and out of everything I went through, all the hurt and pain, the wondering, hearing her say that somehow hits something deep inside.

I don't even realize my chest is heaving until she looks away, down to the ground, shifting her feet but when her head comes back up, I'm shocked to see a single tear zig zag down the corner of her eye. I always hated it when she cried. I was a weak excuse for a man when it came to tears. They just broke all of my resolve and I usually ended up giving in regardless of who was at fault. But this is different now. It has to be.

"Okay." I say, my voice remaining as neutral as it possibly can. "What's done is done." Theres so much more I want to say right now but for some reason, I just can't do it. I don't even know if it's worth it anymore.

"Justin.." I hear her voice before looking up and she's right there in front of me and once again, I'm wrapped in the scent of her. It's just too damn much. "I'm so sorry. I mean it." She whispers but I hear every word. Right before I feel her fingers reaching for mine that's been hanging at my side. I don't have time to reach back fast enough before shes got them in her grasp, her pinky finger linking with mine while her thumb sweeps over the others. This is becoming all too familiar. She lets go quickly before I feel those hands moving up my arms cautiously and I'm waiting for that red light to go off in my head. I see it, but it doesn't send the message to my brain. I know I should step back, or better yet, turn and walk away but something is stopping me. Before I know it, she's got her arms wrapped around my neck in a lose hug, her chest pressed against mine and it's just like my life has been rewound back to a year ago. Only before everything went wrong.

I close my eyes for a second, trying to reign myself in to reality, to get myself together, to say no but before I know it, her head is on my shoulder, her soft hair tickling my neck. I mentally curse as I turn my nose just slightly to catch a whiff of that damn flower scented shampoo she always smells like. It took me so long to get that particular smell out of my head. To forget about it, to move on. What the hell am I doing here? I cried one too many damn tears to go back to that. I hurt, like I'd never been hurt before. There were days where I just didn't care about anything. If I got out of bed, if I ate, answered my phone, showered. I shut myself down and I won't go back to those days. Feeling that life had no purpose or that I wasn't good enough for anyone. I don't need that ever again. She left me high and dry once. I'm not going to risk her doing it again. She doesn't deserve that chance.

I don't even feel my own hand go up and rest at the small of her back, coming into contact with warm, soft skin. I feel her relax against me for a second before she starts whispering in my ear.

"I miss you Justin. Please. I need you." She pleads before I feel the slightest brush of lips against my neck. It's almost like ice on my heated skin and I try to pull back but she holds me a little tighter, lips coming around to brush across my jaw, just waiting until she meets my lips.

Reality comes screaming back to me as I pull back suddenly, right before her lips are about to close over mine. Dammit, I can't believe I let her do this. I'm such a weak excuse for a man but I know better this time. I know that one kiss could lead to dangerous territory. All it would take is one simple mistake, with her lips against mine and their'd be no stopping me. I'd give in to her and we'd be leaving this club like we'd done so many times before where we'd end up in bed, making love, wrapped up in one another as we both slept in the aftermath but I know that's not the case anymore and I know for a fact that I deserve better.

She hurt me once, she'll do it again.

It's taken me this far to get where I am today, and to fall into her trap would just set me back another lifetime, and I won't waste my time on her ever again.

I pull back, another three steps, distancing myself from her, her scent, her skin, her lips. I run a hand through my hair, trying to calm down a little, to wake up and realize what the hell is going on.

I'm not surprised when she takes another step forward, reaching for me. "Justin, please. Just.-"

"No." I tell her, my voice firm. "You can't do this to me. It's over. We're over. You need to move on just like I've been trying for the past year."

I don't even stay long enough to see the hurt look on her face. Instead I try and hold my head up high, going over to reach for my coat and my beer, making my way back into the club. It's funny how things turn out. When she left me all that time ago, the only thing I wanted her to do was stay. Now, trying to gain my confidence and strength, the only thing I can hope is for her to stay away. To let me move on, to let me live a life without her, to let me and my scars just heal.

I don't even give the club a second glance, not even enough time to let Trace know I'm leaving. I told myself that maybe I just needed some closure and I feel like tonight, being able to say no and walk away gave me just that.