White, cream, ivory, eggshell, dress after dress the nausea in my stomach seems to get worse. I'm trying with everything I have to get this accomplished. I am trying to do this. I am trying to be the Kinsey I am supposed to be.

My mother and sister are going through the racks, throwing fifty dresses at me to try on. They are completely obsessed with this wedding. They are handling every detail of this wedding. Maybe they thought if I didn't have to deal with it I will show up and not think twice about the wedding.

Only my mother would have the connections to have Vera Wang herself here to go through dress after dress. To have her make choices that she would think would look best on me. I have hives that were forming over my entire body as I stand in the dressing room, staring at the dresses hanging on the rack that I'm supposed to try on.

Silk, satin, tulle, cotton, beading, crystals, simple, elegant, princess, a-line, mermaid... I couldn't imagine even look at them. How in the world was I going to put them on my body and make a choice. I couldn't do it. Trying on a wedding dress would make all of this real, more real than I need it to be. It has been weeks since I spoke to Justin, weeks since I even heard his voice. I have sunk into a depression that I didn't think I could pull myself out of.

"What color are we doing the bridesmaid dresses?" Vera asked as we walked into the dressing room.

"I don't know, you would have to ask them. More than likely it will be pink or purple. They love the girly colors."

"Is this wedding something you want to do? Why are you so sad about trying on dresses?"

"It's an arranged marriage that I don't approve of. It's not something I want to do."

She places each dress carefully on the racks, one by one. "Honey, if I have learned anything in the decades that I have been designing dresses... It's that if you don't want to get married, you shouldn't. It will end in divorce or even worse."

"My family would never approve of me not marrying him."

"Sometimes families have to be tested and sometimes they fail. But at the end of everything you have to be the one to live your life. You are the one that has to wake up in this life every morning."

"Only if it were that simple." I say under my breathe.

"So, have we met before... you look familiar?"

"No, I have never met you before."

"Hmm, you just looked so familiar." She looks at me again, "Your picture was just in People Magazine.... With Justin Timberlake... is that who you are marrying?"

"He is a friend of mine." I swallowed hard. "He is not who I am marrying."

"Wow, that picture make it look like you were happy together. I guess sometimes it looks like more in a picture."

The pink splotches have turned into deep red and covering even more of my body. I was staring at the dresses on the racks when Charlotte walked in the dressing room. She gave me her frustrated; she was over the situation look. "Arabella what is wrong with you? You are supposed to be trying on your wedding dress. I don't have all day to waste here. There is a lot that needs to be done before the engagement party tomorrow..."

"I can't do this." I managed to mumble out.

"You can do this. They are just dresses." She rolled her eyes and began to take one of the dresses off the rack.

"Wedding dresses Charlotte. They are wedding dresses and I feel like a fraud trying them on."

"I went through the scared part of getting married as well..." She unzips the dress and attempts to put it over my head. "You will be fine."

I step back, preventing her from putting it over my head. "I'm marrying the wrong guy."

"What is this thing you have for this Justin guy that you can seem to let him go, you just met him." She was annoyed by the idea of Justin.

"It's not just one thing... It's everything... it's the way I feel when he walks into a room, it's the way my heart flutters when he smiles at me..." A huge smile waves across my face, "It's the way he calls me Bells... It's the way his eyes look when he first wakes up in the morning... it's the way his eyes look at me..."

"Were Kinsey's Arabella, you need to get over this crush you have for a guy you met and hooked up with in L.A."

"I wish it was just a crush."

"Ok so you think you feel in love with him because he was the first person you slept with. I don't understand it because my husband took my virginity but maybe that's why you think you are marrying the wrong person."

"He wasn't the first person I slept with."

Her eyes became huge and disappoint reined through them. "What do you mean he wasn't your first?"

"Charlotte, I'm not having this conversation with you." I turned to walk away from her when she grabbed my shoulder and spun me around.

"Ohh I think we need to have this conversation now. How long have you been having sex with random guys?"

                "It's not like that."

"Then what is it like Arabella? I would like to know how our families name is being put to shame by you screwing every guy that crosses your path."

"I don't need to have this conversation with you. I'm sorry I didn't wait to have sex for the first time when I was almost thirty years old. I'm sorry that I experienced a little more life than you ever did, but I wouldn't take any of it back because I know what it's like to have sex with someone because I wanted to and not because I had to."

She grips the dress in her hands tighter, "I love my husband. I wouldn't trade him for the world."

"If you felt even one percent of what I feel for Justin you would understand."

She tosses the dress on the chair next to me, as her voice gets defensive. "I'm sorry that the precious Arabella isn't getting her way this time. Maybe we should have this talk with Gavin and see how he feels about all of this."

I laughed, "Gavin, yea I think I would be more worried about his sexual history than my own. He has been with more women than I care to think about."

"What is wrong with your generation?" She rolled her eyes at me again.

"We are both in the same generation, what are you talking about?" I corrected her.

"I guess I have more respect for myself and my body to do that."

"Do you think that I just went out there and screwed guys just to do it? Seriously you don't know me at all."

"I don't think I do."

"The first guy I slept with was someone that I cared about. I never loved him but it was what it was. Do I wish it was someone else, maybe... but I don't regret it at all. Everything I have done in my life led me to Justin, and finding that feeling I never thought I would feel.

She shakes her head as a sure sign that she disapproves. "You have to do this Arabella. Our bloodline doesn't allow for leap holes. No matter how you feel about someone else, this is what you are supposed to do."

I was going to scream or I was going to have a panic attack. "Just pick a dress for me. Order my size and I'm done with it." I stripped off the corset and the petticoat and put my clothes back on. I walked out of that dressing room and straight out to the street and hailed a cab. Only if my father knew I, Arabella Kinsey was getting into a cab.

As I rode in the back seat of that cab through New York City I happen to see an enormous Billboard in Times Square. It was the person I couldn't get my mind to clear of... it was the man I let myself fall in love with ... it was the man the world new as Justin Timberlake.

I made it out of the cab before I cupped my hands over my face as the tears stream down. I had to let him go. I had to give up on whatever dream I had that we would end up together. He obviously didn't want anything to do with me, he chose to walk away. He made that decision and I had to respect it. I ran up the flight of stairs ignoring my name being called from another room. I slammed the bedroom door shut, locking it behind me.

There was one thing I needed to do. I need to put it all out in the open. I needed to give a proper goodbye to him. I needed to remove that part of my heart that belonged to him. It wouldn't leave me with much to love others in the world but I wouldn't need my heart anymore.

Looking down at my watch, making sure it wasn't too late in L.A. I scroll down through the contacts in my phone and slowly coming up to the L's... Lake. I press send and wait for the rings to begin. It was longest drawn out two seconds of my life. The first ring turned into two, which turned into four, and then six and his voicemail picked up.

"It's Justin. Leave me a message. I will get back with you as soon as I can..."

I took a deep breath and begin to speak. "Lake, I know that you don't want to talk to me anymore and I respect that decision. But I needed to tell you a few things before I let you out of my life..." I couldn't catch my breath. I knew this is what I had to do, even as I started to ramble I knew I had to say whatever I could, "How could you show up at my graduation and not see me... I miss you every moment I'm not around you. I miss everything about you. I don't know how I'm going to wake up every morning for the rest of my life without you next to me. I don't know anything anymore. I understand how hard this is for you and I won't call again. Please remember... that I will always love you. Take care of yourself Lake..." I dropped the phone sobbing. I didn't think my eyes could manage any more tears.

Tomorrow is my engagement party and I need to accept this is my future. Gavin is my future. I need to push any thoughts or feelings of Justin away. He has moved on and its time I do the same.

My phone beeps in notification of a new email. I pick it up quickly hoping and praying that it was from Justin. But it wasn't... well not literally.

"I have heard some of the most amazing and promising things about you things about you from your friend Justin Timberlake. The one design I did see of yours is genius to say the least. I look forward to meeting with you tomorrow and discussing your career opportunities. I think we could work great as a team. See you at eleven a.m. at Gramercy Tavern in Union Square tomorrow.  Have a great night."

Justin must have already scheduled a meeting with this guy because I had no clue what he was talking about. I wasn't aware that someone actually had interest and seeing my designs. I wasn't a designer. I was a doctor. I was a Kinsey.

I laid my heavy head on the pillow, praying that something happens in my life... something changes and somehow I find happiness in the life I am about to lead.