"Brayden get off the dog..."

"Howsey Dada."

"Come here, get off of the dog I said."

"Giddy up Buckley"

"Brayden Francis...get off the dog...NOW!"

"You a meanie! I want Mama..."

"I know I'm just so awful...Mama will be home tonight, can you please quit running around and just come sit down with me for 5 minutes?" I had paperwork piled up to my eyeballs sitting on my desk and I couldn't even get through a page without hearing something fall, or yelling at Brayden to put something down. Marissa was in Boston shopping for a wedding dress with Amy and my mother, which left me to bring Brayden with me to the office. It's been two days and not one stitch of work has gotten done.

I finished my album a lot sooner then I expected, and instead of being a manager that cares about the sanity of his artist, Johnny has insisted that I put the album out before the wedding, which was fast approaching. We decided to get married fairly quickly to avoid people finding out, so we set a date. August 10, 2010, which was the three-year anniversary of the day we met. It gave us about five months to plan, and with two of those five months remaining Marissa has worked tirelessly to have almost the whole thing done. I honestly don't know how she's done it all since I've practically been MIA for the past two months or so putting the finishing touches on the album, and she's had to deal with a one and a half year old that is all too smart for his age. I swear to God I've never heard a kid his age talk so much. His mouth is going at rapid speed from the moment he wakes up to the moment he goes to bed, and somehow she managed to keep him occupied while planning a surprise wedding for about 200 people, working everyday, and taking care of the everyday house upkeep. Sometimes I honestly think she is wonder woman.

"Justin you have a call on line one," I heard come from my desk phone just as I got up to get Brayden off the dog.

"I really can't right now Julie, can you take a message?" I asked wrapping my right arm around Brayden's stomach while holding the intercom button with my left hand. He started screaming as expected.

"It's Marissa..."

Oh thank God I thought, "Put her through," I yelled over Brayden's screams, "Bray Mama's on the phone lets go talk to her..."

"NOOOOOOO," he screamed as the phone started ringing. I think I may have to jump off a bridge later.

"RIS?" I yelled over the screaming of our son after I hit the speakerphone button.

"Well you clearly have everything under control..."

"I'm going fucking crazy, I don't know how you do this."

"THAT'S A BAD WORD DADA! YOU GET TIMEOUT!"

"I know sorry...why don't you calm down and talk to Mama I bet she called to talk to you."

"Mama, Dada's a meanie," he said sniffling.

"What did he do now buddy?"

"He say I no wide howsey."

"What horse? Did Daddy buy you a horse?"

"He was riding Buckley...clearly he's got his horse and dog confused," I said.

"HE NOT A DOG GOSH! AND I'M TALKING TO MAMA!" The attitude on this kid...

"I'm pretty sure Buckley is a dog Bray, and you're too big to ride on him because you're a big boy now remember?"

"I get big boy bed Mama?"

"Soon we'll get you a big boy bed. Are you being good for Daddy?"

"Yeah," I rolled my eyes as I signed off on the fifth page within the two minutes she was talking to him. She was a lifesaver even when she was across the country. "Tomowow we went to big boy dinnow and Dada say I get whateva I want."

"You mean you went to dinner yesterday, not tomorrow."

"Yeah and guess what I get..."

"Ummmm...lobster?"

"No silly! Woni's and Cheese!"

"Holy Moly! Brayden, Mama sent a surprise for you...Go open Daddy's door and see what's there." He jumped off my leg and ran like a bat out of hell to the door, reaching as high as he could to turn the knob but he couldn't quite get there.

"I...can't...weach..." he said jumping up and down trying to grab it, "HEEEEEELP!" I threw my pen on the desk getting up to open the door for him, and I was met with Trace's face. "UNCLE TACE!"

"Oh thank GOD...backup!" I said hugging him at the same time Brayden grabbed onto his leg.

"I came to save you," he said to me bending down to pick up Brayden, "Want to go get some ice cream my dude so that your Pops can get some work done?"

"YEAH! Can I get Chocolate?"

"I love you," I said to Trace, "I'd kiss you but that's just wrong."

"Yeah, yeah," he said walking out with my son.

I sat back down and put my head on the desk, "Okay how did you know I was about to lose my mind?" I asked Marissa who was waiting patiently on the phone.

"You fell asleep while you were on the phone with me last night, it was 9:00...I knew I had to send in reinforcements."

"I love you...so much for this, you don't even know. I haven't gotten one piece of work done, this kid is off the wall, and what is with his damn attitude?"

"You must have forgotten who his parents were..."

"HA," I replied unamused, "You're so funny...how's Boston?"

"It is...interesting," she said hesitantly.

"Uh oh, is everything okay?" I asked sitting up and cradling the phone on my shoulder so that I could get some work done while I talked to her.

"Yeah I guess, my sister called me last night," she trailed off and took a breath and I could tell just by the way it came out that she threw herself down on a chair.

"You don't sound to pleased about that."

"I miss you..."

"You're avoiding the subject."

"My dad died," she whispered, "I guess he went to go get some routine test done and they found out he basically had cancer throughout his whole body and within two days he was dead."

"Ris I'm so..."

"Don't," she stopped me before I could finish my sentence, "There's really nothing to be sorry about. It's not like we were close, I mean I haven't even spoken to him in close to three years. It's just kind of surreal I guess. I knew it would happen some day, but I guess I never knew how I'd really feel about it."

"How do you feel about it?"

"I feel...nothing. How sad is that? She told me and it was like hearing that a stranger died."

"Well he did treat you like a piece of shit your entire life. I think anyone would probably feel the same way."

"Yeah, well anyway...I talked to my mom and she wants to me stay for the services, so I won't be home for a couple of days which is another reason why I sent Trace."

"Wait you're really going to stay? Your mother is just as bad as him, letting him do and say that shit to you."

"Because she was scared of him Justin. He did and said to her the same shit he did and said to me, and she put up with it because she was afraid of what he'd do to her. Just like I put up with it until I found a way out. We all feel the same way about this...we're all kind of relieved. I think...God I think things might actually change now. She might actually be the person she was before him, and who knows maybe she'll change enough to actually be a part of my life again...our life."

"I don't know about this...I'm going to book a flight to come out there tonight, Trace can watch the kid for a few days."

"No, I don't want you to leave Brayden with Trace for two days, and I certainly don't want you to come here with him. It'll be too much for him to handle, and I really don't want to have to explain it all to him. Not to mention you know there's going to be press all over the place and I just don't want him to be a part of that. You have so much work to do and it's just not necessary for you to come. Just stay, I'll be fine."

"I don't like this..."

"For me, please just stay and don't make this a big deal. I've got your mom and Amy here and I just really need you to let Trace handle Brayden for now, get some work done and then go home tonight and spend time with him before you put him to bed and do the same thing all over again tomorrow. You have the release of an album and an upcoming wedding to worry about...please?"

"Fiiiine," I said putting my face in my hands, "You win, but you have to promise to call if you need anything."

"I always do, and hey guess what..."

"Ummm...Our son is off the wall and is driving me to drink?"

"Even better," she said with a small chuckle, "I bought a dress!"

"And I can't wait to rip it off of you...I hear the only thing better then birthday sex, which was great the other day by the way even though it was your birthday and not mine, is wedding sex."

"I can't wait for wedding sex..."

"Justin, Trace is on line two," Julie said interrupting a call that was just about to get spicy.

"I'll call you tonight. I love you, and I miss you and the munchkin," she said knowing I had to take the call.

"I love you too, and I miss you more then you know, bye baby," I hit the red blinking button and pulled the phone away from my ear after my eardrums were blown out by screaming, "I knew this wouldn't last long...where are you?"

"The parking lot of Pinkberry."

"I'll be right there," I hung up the phone and looked at the stack of papers that were still nose high, "Tomorrow...I will get this done tomorrow."

***

Two days later the paperwork was now over my head, and instead of being in the office I was at home with Brayden who was sick as a dog. I went to go pick him up the other day and found him screaming in the back of Trace's car and puke all over the ground. This would happen while Marissa is gone. He's been screaming for her for two days now, and if he's not screaming he's throwing up all over the floor, himself and me. Taking him to the doctor was a task in and of itself, he yelled at the top of his lungs and flailed the entire time and I'm not sure I've ever been so embarrassed in my entire life. The doctor said he just had a stomach bug that would go away on it's own in a couple of days. Once we got home I put him in my bed with a Popsicle and turned The Wiggles on before hoping into bed next to him. I can't remember the last time I was in bed in the middle of the day; in fact I don't even remember the last time I was in bed and relaxed period. He curled up next to me putting his head on my chest, managing to drip popsicle all over me and put his little hand in mine. I leaned down and placed a kiss on the top of his warm head.

"Dada my tummy feels bad."

"I know buddy I'm sorry...do you think you're going to throw up again?"

He shook his head and handed me the popsicle stick, "I miss Mama."

"Me too, she'll be home when you wake up tomorrow morning though."

"Then you leave? I don't want you to leave me."

At that moment my heart broke into a million pieces. We thought we were doing something good for him by only one of us being gone at a time, but he now realizes that once she's home, I leave, and if I'm home then she's going to leave. In a way it's almost like growing up with divorced parents because he only see's each of us for half of the time, especially the last few months since we've both been extra busy. "I'm not leaving Bray," I said picking him up so that his head was on the pillow next to me, "I'm staying home with you and Mama okay?" 

"Okay...I pwromise I no wide the doggies anymowe."

"Thanks buddy. Why don't you try and take a nap okay, maybe your tummy will feel better after."

"You take nap too Dada?"

"You bet, we'll even take a nap in my bed how does that sound?"

"Good," he said softly almost like he was in pain. It was hard seeing him not like his usual perky self. He's usually running around non-stop all day and puts up a fight when we tell him he has to take a nap, but right now he was just really mellow and I wished I could take his pain away. "You get bwankie?"

"Sure I'll go get it. You close your eyes okay, I'll be right back." I kissed his head and adjusted the pillows so that he wasn't straining his neck before I walked from my room to his to grab his blanket that's usually attached to his hip out of his crib. No sooner did I turn around to leave his room did I hear him throw up again. I've been dealing with puke for two days now, and I was damn proud of myself too because I normally cannot handle stuff like this. If you puke and I see it, then I'll puke too, but somehow I've managed to pull myself together and clean up after him without barfing all over myself in the process. But when I walked into my room and saw him sitting up on my now pukefilled bed, with a pile of green nastiness next to him, I lost it. I ran into the bathroom and threw up all the while trying to figure out how I'm going to clean Brayden and the bed without throwing up again and knowing in the back of my head that I somehow had to get him to the hospital without him flipping out because I knew from being overworked as a kid that green meant that he was officially dehydrated. I walked back into my bedroom and saw Brayden crying on the bed. I kept my eyes focused solely on my son so that I wouldn't vomit again at the sight of my bed and I went over and picked him up.

"I sowwy Dada," he cried wrapping his arms around my neck and putting his head on my shoulder.

"It's okay, it's not your fault. Let's go get you cleaned up and then what do you think about going for a car ride?"

"No wide...nap."

"You can nap in the car," I said thinking that it would be perfect if he did actually fall asleep and we got into the hospital without him having a fit. I put him down on the toilet in my bathroom and wet a facecloth while pulling out my cell phone and calling Trace.

"What's up Pops?"

"You know you're my best friend right?"

"Ugh what do you want now?"

"I have to take Brayden to the H-O-S-P-I-T-A-L because he's dehydrated, so I was hoping you'd be a pal and clean up his latest gift that he left on my bed."

"We ain't that close man."

"He's your godson! And I need to get him in to see a D-O-C-T-O-R."

"Why are we S-P-E-L-L-I-N-G?"

"Because thanks in part to you he's afraid of the D-O...oh you get the point, if he hears me say it he'll flip out. Look can you just come help me out please?"

"You fucking owe me big time..."

"Brayden loves his uncle," I said sarcastically. And with that, he hung up on me.

10 minutes later I had Brayden buckled into his car seat and we were on our way to the hospital. He fell asleep before I even sat down in the front seat and I thanked everything under the sun for that. I called Marissa on the way which was something I was dreading doing. She knew he was sick, but he's never been this sick and she felt guilty already for not being here with him. Today was her father's funeral. I still wasn't exactly sure why she stayed for it but she felt as though she had to and I wasn't going to fight her on it. So to top off her day I called her to let her know that our son was about to make his first hospital visit since he was born, and she was across the country. She reacted like any other mother would when they get told there kid is sick enough to need a hospital trip, even though I told her I had it under control and he was just dehydrated. She assured me that she'd be on the first flight back to LA before basically hanging up on me. Theme for the day today...hang up on Justin.

We got to the hospital and luck was on my side because Brayden was still sleeping. Once we got him in a bed and they started hooking up IV's though he woke up and let the entire hospital know that we were there. This was the one and only way he was just like his mother, they both had a large issue with needles. It took three of us to hold him down and actually get the IV started, but once it got going he settled down, but I could tell that he was mad at me. I can't really describe to you how it feels to know that you're one and a half year old son hates you for the moment, but I can say it doesn't really feel good. After at least six of hours of The Wiggles and Mickey Mouse Clubhouse, he apparently got over the fact that I tricked him into coming to the hospital and started talking to me again. This was a good sign since they had to keep him overnight since he was under five.

I was lying next to him in his bed sleeping until he poked me in my shoulder with his finger to wake me up, "Dada? You sweep?" he whispered.

"Not anymore," I replied kissing his forehead with my eyes still closed.

"I go to heaven like Uncle Fwankie?"

"WHAT?" My eyes shot open and I'm sure a look of utter shock was on my face, "Why would you say that? No your...no." Where was Marissa when I needed her? 

"Mama's Dada go to heaven?"

"Where did you hear that buddy?" I asked running my fingers through his blonde curls.

"You tell Uncle Tace he die, and Mama say you die and go to heaven." This kid was way to smart for his own good, and apparently a great fake sleeper because when I told Trace that her Dad died he looked passed out to me. Why did we have to be the parents to the genius kid? How do I get out of this without harming the kid? I couldn't lie to him, and I wasn't about to tell him that her father went to heaven because that would be the last place he would end up, and I didn't want him to think he was going to die.

"In a long long long long time, me and Mama will go to heaven, and then in a long long long long long time after that you'll go to heaven to come see us," I said hoping that was all that needed to be said about that matter.

"But I in the hopsitle."

"And we're going to go home in the morning. You feel better right?"

He nodded his head and rolled over on top of me, "My tummy no huwt."

"See, that's because the hospital is a good place, they make you feel all better!"

"But I wanna go to heaven to see Uncle Fwankie..."

"Someday we'll all go see Uncle Frankie, but not now...he sees you all the time."

"I know, Mama tell me."

"Speaking of Mama," I said taking this as a good time to change subjects from death and heaven with my one and a half year old to something lighter, "I bet if you go to sleep right now, when you wake up Mama will be here."

"I have bwankie Dada?"

"We left blankie at home, but you can snuggle with your old man..."

"Who old man?"

I laughed realizing that as intelligent as he is, sometimes he really does act his age and doesn't understand everything, "I'm your old man."

"No...Mama say you sexy."

"Your mother is a smart woman...come on," I said picking him up off my chest and putting him down next to me, "let's go to sleep it is so past your bedtime. Don't tell Mama I let you stay up okay?"

"Pwoimse," he replied putting his head on my chest and his thumb in his mouth. It didn't take him very long to fall asleep, and once I knew he was out I grabbed the remote to put Sports Center on. He was half way back to his old self, which eased my worries a lot, though it was still upsetting that I was lying in my son's hospital bed. The doctors came in almost immediately after to take the IV's out of his little hand, and lucky for us he stayed asleep.

"You've got a smart one on your hands," one of the nurses said to me as she filled out a chart once the doctor left.

"He's a little too smart for his own good sometimes."

"You handled it well..."

"I'm sorry?"

"Oh...sorry we came to take his IV's out and we heard you talking to him about heaven. We didn't want to interrupt. I was just surprised I guess, you gave him all the right answers..."

"Thanks...I guess?" I didn't really know where she was going with this or why she heard the conversation I had with my son. Was I supposed to take that as a compliment or was she insinuating that I failed miserably at explaining death and heaven to my own kid.

"No...sorry I'm probably being rude right now. It's just that we have a lot of celebrity kids come here, and a nanny or a bodyguard, not their parents, usually escorts them. Then you just stroll in here, one of the biggest celebrities around right now, and you're nice and respectful to everyone and to see you lying in bed with your son explaining life and death to him...it was a breath of fresh air. He obviously loves you, and I'm sorry I ever had any harsh feelings towards you just because you're a celebrity parent. You definitely proved me wrong, I mean I wish I could talk to my kids like that with such ease."

"Thank you," I replied, "That actually means a lot to me."

"Well, as long as he doesn't throw up again tonight he should be good to go in the morning," and with that she left the room.

I must have fallen asleep soon after, and I stayed asleep for the rest of the night before being woken up to Brayden jumping on the bed and hearing Marissa quietly try and scold him. "Stop jumping Bray let Daddy sleep..."

"I'm up, I'm up," I said stretching and realizing I was the only one in the hospital bed, "Why am I in this bed, and you," I said grabbing Brayden and picking him up over my head, "are not?"

He laughed a big gut laugh while I hung him over my head and that made me feel so much better knowing that he was getting back to his old self. "We go home now!"

"Go sit with Uncle Trace while me and Daddy finish in here okay buddy?" Marissa said pointing to Trace sitting on the couch in the hallway. He ran over to him and I watched Marissa close the door behind him. I threw my feet over the bed so that I was now sitting and she sat down next to me after placing a kiss on my temple not saying a word. She has had a rough few days, and I could tell just by looking at her that she was completely drained. I wasn't sure how long she's been here or how everything went at home, but I knew now wasn't the time to ask any of those questions. I wrapped my arm around her shoulders and placed a kiss on the top of her head as she put it on my chest. We haven't had a moment like this in a really long time, a moment where it's silent and we're able to speak to each other without even using words. She was tired, and looked almost as if she were as fragile as a porcelain doll. The look on her face brought me back to when we first met and I came face to face with this amazing woman who was lost and didn't know which direction to turn.

"We'll get through it," I finally said after I felt my shirt get wet from drops of tears. She hasn't cried for any reason other then happiness for a really long time, and it's been a relief for not only her but for me as well that she's had nothing to cry about. I knew that she didn't want to start again, but sometimes life throws you curveballs that you just can't handle. She nodded her head and wiped tears off of her face before she looked up at me with a smile that I knew she was faking. Deep down she wanted to explode and just cry for a few hours, let everything out but she was trying to hide it from the world that she wasn't okay, that she wasn't able to be the perfect mother, fiancé, songwriter, and friend right now. For the past couple of years she's prided herself on that and she didn't want to let that go. "It's okay to cry you know that right?"

"I know," she replied reaching for a tissue to blow her nose, "but I don't want him to see me like this. I can't do this here. I'm going to go splash some water on my face, can you go sign his release forms and I'll meet you in the car?"

"Of course," I kissed her nose and she wrapped her arms around me tightly. I rubbed her back until I felt her sigh signaling that she was okay for now, that was the one thing in this world that I knew could make her calm down eventually.

After signing a million release forms and picking up a prescription at the drug store, we got home about an hour later. As much as Brayden wanted to go play with Trace we were told he had to lay low for a while and with much convincing we got him to lay on the couch with Trace and watch Finding Nemo. As soon as we walked in the door Marissa threw her keys on her key hook and went upstairs to our room making sure the door was closed behind her presumably to make sure Brayden didn't see her as anything other then superwoman. After checking to make sure Bray was settled in, I grabbed Marissa luggage out of the trunk and made my way upstairs. Before hitting the bedroom door I heard music and things being thrown. She was at her breaking point. I opened the door and saw her in nothing but a bra and panties throwing my clothes in a suitcase. I was supposed to be leaving today for New York, but she didn't know that I had cancelled everything until after the wedding. I had talked to Johnny yesterday after my son told me that he didn't want me to leave him anymore and told him that I was putting my foot down, and everything was to be pushed back, no if's and's or but's about it. Closing the door behind me I walked in between the closet and the bed where the suitcase was lying open and she practically ran me over when she went to throw a tie into it.

"I'm just...I'm just trying to get you packed up..."

"I'm not going anywhere, come sit."

"You have to catch a flight to New York in three hours Justin there really isn't time for any of this right now," she replied throwing the tie around me and somehow making it into the suitcase, "how many button downs do you need? How many meetings do you have?"

"None, and none. Ris come here you don't need to be doing this right now I'm not going anywhere, come tell me about home." She wasn't listening she kept throwing things around me and I'm pretty sure I saw a sweater fly past my head and the last time I checked it was the middle of June. "Marissa," hat, gloves, scarves, "MARISSA," I yelled grabbing her wrist preventing her from throwing the next thing in her hand. She stopped and threw herself at me, practically melting into my arms.

"I can't do it anymore," she cried, "I can't..."

"Shhh," I said kissing her head and rubbed my hand up and down her back, "come on, come talk to me." I scooped her up and put her down on the bed and I laid down next to her as she put her head on my chest while she wrapped her arm around my torso. "Tell me about Boston, and then I'll tell you all about my week."

"I feel like I'm breaking Justin," she said after a few moment, "I'm being pulled in a million different directions and I can't do one thing to the best of my ability without hurting someone else or slacking on another obligation. I'm one person...I'm one fucking person, and I can't do it all anymore I just can't. The minute everything is going great something else has to go wrong. I buy a dress and my father dies, I agree to stay for the services and Brayden goes to the hospital. I'm supposed to have two days with you but I end up having none. Brayden needs me, you need me, my friends need me, my family needs me, I need to finish planning the wedding, Christina and I are starting to work on her next album...I just can't anymore. I'm so tired, I'm tired of everything. I didn't even cry...not one single tear fell from my face and my father is dead. I'm actually happy that he is dead. I thought it was all finally over, I thought that it wouldn't bother me but it still does. I had no father, I'm jealous of my own son because he has a father. A father that will explain heaven to him, and sleep with him in his hospital bed because he doesn't have his blankie to hold onto. I'm the mother that can stand there and watch this happen and then run away because I can't handle it. It's never ending, I just need it to end. I don't want to cry about it, I don't want to cry about anything. I just I need some sense of normalcy again because right now everything is utter chaos and I'm losing my damn mind."

I let her cry, for a really long time. I let her sob to the point where it was hard to catch her breath and she would hiccup. She needed to let it all out, and me saying something at that moment wouldn't allow her to do that. She has been going non-stop since we moved here, and for some reason I couldn't see that it was taking a toll on her, but from this point on things were going to change. After about an hour I felt her grip on my shirt loosen and her tears were no longer falling. I was running my hands through her hair when she finally looked up at me.

"How about I go run a bath, and we can go sit in it, talk, and relax for the rest of the day."

"That sounds amazing...but what about Bray?" she asked just as I stood up.

"Trace has him."

"Okay. I'm just going to go make sure they're okay down there and I'll be right back up..."

 She came back up a few minutes later and I was already half asleep in the tub. I dimmed the lights, lit a bunch of candles, and got the water to be at the perfect temperature before I turned the jets on and got in. I watched her close the bathroom door behind her and untie her robe letting it fall to the floor. It was only then that I noticed that she had lost a lot of weight. I knew that she was working hard and struggling to loose the last five pounds she had gained from being pregnant but there was now no doubt in my mind that she had lost that plus probably an extra fifteen. I knew she wasn't starving herself or that she had purposely dropped down to a weight this low, it was just stress and the fact that she was doing too much all at once. She stepped into the tub and sat in front of me lying her back against my chest letting out a sigh. I wrapped my arms around her and kissed her temple leaning my chin on her shoulder. We haven't been close like this for a very long time. With both of our schedules and Brayden we don't have time for ourselves anymore, and even though we still have sex on a pretty normal basis, in a way it's become routine. And even though right now I want nothing more then to turn her around and have her on top of me, I know now isn't really the time.

"I pushed the album back, and cancelled everything until after the wedding," I said expecting her to yell at me, or scold me for doing that. In her eyes even though she knows family comes first, work is a very close second and we had a schedule that worked so anytime I'd bring up pushing things back or cancellations she'd get mad.

"Thank you," she replied without putting up any kind of fuss.

"I'm going to help you more with Brayden, and planning the wedding, and I think maybe you should talk to Christina about either putting the album on hold or using some of the stuff you've already finished, and maybe we can go back to that therapist we were referred to when we first moved out here just to sort some of this stuff out."

"I think that's a good idea."

"And you'll get some rest," I said wrapping my legs around her, "and you won't be so stressed out," I placed a small kiss on her ear and bit down gently on her lob, "and we can get back to the way things were before LA took over our lives."

"I'd really like that," she replied running her hands up and down my legs, "I love you J. Thanks for understanding and letting me throw a hissy fit."

"I love you too baby girl, and we all deserve a day to throw a hissy fit every once and a while."

"I can't wait to marry you..."

"And I can't wait to call you my wife."