Why can’t I sleep?

I’m tired. I’m way tired. I want to sleep so badly but it’s not happening, no matter how hard I try. And the fucking clock is moving so damn slow, what feels like hours is really only a few minutes.

My mind is racing; I know that’s why. I mean, I’m not a complete idiot, I know why my mind is racing, and I know why everything is completely fucked up. I shouldn’t have snuck out; it was really cowardly of me to do. But, to be fair, I did feel like I’d die if I stayed. I know I wouldn’t have literally died but I was having a panic attack. At least I think it was a panic attack.

It doesn’t matter, what’s done is done. It’s not like I’m going to go sneak back into his house. Now that would be weird.

Although I do feel kind of bad. When he wakes up and sees that I’m not there he’ll probably get worried. He shouldn’t, but he probably will. Either that or he’ll think I’m a complete bitch, which he’d be completely justified to think. I am a complete bitch. I can’t help it.

I did warn him, from the beginning, so it’s not completely my fault.

There was a soft tap on my door and my heart stopped beating for a second. “Are you in there?”

“Yeah,” I answered softly, my heart starting to work again when Jake opened the door.

“What are you doing home? I thought you were going to Justin’s.”

“I was, I did.”

“OK?” he scratched his head and pushed me over so he could lay down with me. “I’m confused, it’s too late. Am I dreaming?”

“No, you’re not dreaming,” I laughed as I pulled the covers up, “It’s like four in the morning, why are you up?”

“I just had to pee and I heard you,” he yawned and pulled a pillow away from me and placed it under his head, “Why are you here?”

“I live here.”

Jake let out an annoyed sigh and closed his eyes, “Don’t be smart Jules, I’m tired. Why are you home now?”

I shrugged, “Hectic night. Did you hear about Jackie?”

“Yeah,” he smiled, his eyes still closed tightly. I’m pretty sure he’s still sleeping, “She’s such a fucking idiot. Dad is canceling her party.”

“Not a chance.”

“That’s what he said,” he yawned again, “So why are you home?”

“Just go to sleep Jake, we’ll talk about it in the morning.”

“Are you alright?”

“Yup, I’m fine. Goodnight.”

Jake nodded his head then reached his hand and tapped my head, all without ever opening his eyes. I laughed at his attempt of… I don’t know what, and closed my eyes.

I woke up a few hours later to my cell phone ringing. I pressed the ignore button when I saw it was Justin and fell back on bed. I know I should have answered, but I don’t know what to say. I need time to think of something to say. The probability of me never having to figure out something to say in the situation that is obviously going to come up is pretty low.

Come to think of it, I should probably think of something to say. I’ll probably say something stupid and scare him away. Why haven’t I scared him away already?

“Jake?” I whined and turned to face him… he’s gone. Alright then. I walked to his room and saw him asleep back in his bed. For a second I contemplated waking him up and making him listen to me and tell me what to say. But, then I realized I’m not twelve anymore and need to figure this out on my own. So instead, I went back to bed and pulled the covers over my head.

I woke up again to a tapping on my door. “Yeah?” I called out, my whole body still under the covers.

“Jules?” my heart stopped beating when I heard Justin’s voice. Shit. At first I thought maybe I could play dead and he’d go away, but I know he wouldn’t just leave he’d stay and give me CPR or something, he’s just that kind of guy. I could maybe slip under the bed without him seeing but I did answer and he heard me… maybe he didn’t hear me? “Are you under there?”

“No?”

He chuckled, maybe that’s a good sign. Except, he is always laughing and smiling so who knows if it actually means anything. “Do you want to… come out?”

“Not really.”

Another chuckle, “Please?”

I felt the bed shift as he sat down and took a deep breath trying to prepare myself. “Hi,” I said, pulling the blanket away slowly.

“Hi.” He answered with a half smile, “Do you mind if I…” he motioned at the bed he was already sitting on.

“No, go ahead,” it kind of sucks that he thought he needed to ask me if he could lay down with me. But, then again, I did sneak out after sex like a one nightstand gone badly.

I watched him place his head on the pillow and close his eyes, taking a deep breath. I’m beginning to see he has absolutely no idea what to do with me. There’s a strong possibility this has never happened to him before… there’s a strong possibility this has never happened to anyone before. I’m the only idiot in the world that runs away from good shit.

I continued watching him nervously; he’s not saying anything. Now he’s opened his eyes but he’s just looking at the ceiling as if it has all the answers. I looked up to see if it did have all the answers. No such luck.

“So… I’m…” I trailed off and he turned to look at me.

“Are you alright?”

I nodded my head.

“Good.”

This is most definitely the most awkward experience I’ve ever had in my life. I think he’s waiting for me to say something, but I don’t know what to say. I didn’t have enough time to think of something to say and I can’t think with him here.

“So um…” he began, licking his lips nervously. “I woke up and you weren’t there. At first I thought… well honestly at first I thought I was part of a thriller and someone came in the middle of the night and kidnapped you,” he chuckled, “I watch too many movies.” He turned his head back to the ceiling before continuing, “And then I looked out the window and saw your car was gone so I thought something was wrong. So I called you and you didn’t answer. So… I don’t know.  Maybe I’m supposed to let it go but I wanted to come by and make sure you’re alright.” There were a few seconds of silence before he asked, “Are you?”

“Am I what?”

“Alright.”

“Yeah, I just… didn’t feel good so I…” I trailed off again; I’m not a good liar, believe it or not.

“So I food poisoned you, is that what you’re saying? I don’t know what would be worse, if I food poisoned you or if I scared you away.”

“I’m not scared.”

“Ok,” he paused, “Then it was the food? Cause I thought it was pretty good and I feel fine so I...”

“It wasn’t the food.”

“Ok, so it wasn’t the food and it’s not that you’re scared?”

“Why are those the only two options?”

“They’re not. What is the other option?”

“I just didn’t feel good so I went home.” Now I’m getting defensive, I can’t even help myself.

Justin nodded his head. “The thing is, I’m a light sleeper and I didn’t wake up, so…”

“What do you want from me?”

He turned and looked right into my eyes, “The truth. Why did you leave?”

“I don’t know,” I answered honestly, “I don’t know I just… wanted to leave.”

He nodded his head and looked back at the ceiling, “It’s ok to be a little scared Jules, it’s completely normal.”

“I’m not scared, stop saying that.”

Justin took a deep breath; he’s starting to get annoyed with me. I can’t say I blame him. “What do you want from me then?”

I closed my eyes and took a deep breath, how can we just make all this go away? “I told you from the first night we met that I don’t do relationships.”

“You told me that first night that you don’t do relationships,” he repeated with a chuckle, a sarcastic chuckle this time, not the cute one he usually has. “You can’t be serious.”

“I warned you,” I answered softly.

We were interrupted by three short knocks before Brent opened the door, “Morning Sunshine,” he stopped in the doorway when he saw Justin, “I’m so sorry, I’ll be down…”

“No, it’s ok Brent. Justin was just leaving.”

“Yeah,” Justin sat up and ran his hand through his hair, “Can you just give us a second, Brent?”

“Yes, of course.”

“We’re just really busy. I haven’t been working in awhile and we’re really busy. We’re busy, aren’t we busy Brent?” I don’t want him to leave, I want Justin to leave.

“We do have a lot to do…” Brent said, looking between the two of us nervously.

“Just a couple minutes man,” Justin said causing Brent to nod his head and walk away.

“Wait, Brent,” I called after him. He turned around, “Can I have my coffee?” I whined. Brent smiled and handed me the Starbucks cup.

Justin followed Brent to the door and closed it before walking back to the bed. “He gets you Starbucks every day?”

“He passes it on his way, it’s not like I make him go out of the way.”

Justin laughed, “Spoiled rotten.”

“I am not I just…” I laughed, “Shut up, he works for me. It’s his job.” I sat up and took a sip of my coffee and Justin sat down next to me. “I really do have to get to work.”

“Ok so… you just want me to leave then?” I nodded my head, “And that’s it?”

“I have to work.”

“I’m not talking about work. I’m saying I’m just supposed to leave? And let you go and that’s it. You got what you wanted and now you’re done. I’ll just… see you around maybe?”

“I don’t want a relationship.” I answered simply.

“Well, I do.”

“Well, I don’t.”

“But I do,” he repeated, “So we’re going to have to figure something out.”

“There’s nothing to figure out Justin.”

“There is SO much to figure out, Jules.”

I feel like he’s not going to give this up. “I have to work.”

“OK,” he stood up, “Then I will let you work and…we’ll talk later. Tonight.”

“I can’t tonight, I just…”

“Tonight,” he cut me off, “No excuses. I will come and pick you up so you can’t run away again. I’ll see you tonight.”

“Justin, I’m telling you that I can’t do it tonight.” He’s not even listening to me.

“And I’m telling you that we need to talk tonight,” he leaned over so his face was right in front of mine and looked in my eyes. “I had fun last night, and I know you did too. I’ll see you tonight,” he kissed my forehead before standing up and walking away.

I listened for his footsteps down he stairs and took a deep breath before falling to the bed. What has gotten into him? Why can’t he just deal with it and leave?

“What the hell was that about?” Brent closed the door and crawled into bed with me. “What’s going on?”

“I don’t know,” I whined and rested my head on his shoulder.

“Well, explain.”

I took a deep breath and told him everything. I’m not one for sharing, but there’s something about Brent that makes me able to tell him everything. Plus, I’m in dire need of some guidance and he usually gives some amazing advice.

“I don’t know what’s wrong with me.”

“Sweetie, you’re in love.” He answered simply, as if it were a normal thing and I was a fool not to see it in the first place.

“I am not in love.”

“Maybe you’re not in love. If not you’re definitely falling in love. I think you’re in love, I think it’s pretty obvious. But, if you want to be like that and pretend you’re not, we’ll say at the very least you’re falling for him. And that’s good sweetie, that’s amazing. Love isn’t something to be afraid of; it’s not something to run away from. It’s Justin Fucking Timberlake Jules, the sexiest man alive. What is wrong with him? Go ahead, tell me what is wrong with him.”

I bit at my lip trying to think of something, anything wrong with him. “He laughs a lot.”

Brent laughed, “Oh no!”

“And he’s always smiling and happy.”

“That’s all you’ve got?” Brent smiled, “He’s perfect Jules.”

“There’s no such thing as perfect.” I reminded him. “I just don’t want to be with him, I don’t want to be with anyone.”

“You need to grow up sweetie. You’re not getting any younger and he’s a great guy. You don’t want to lose him. You’ll regret it.” Brent smiled before standing up, “Now get ready, we have work to do.”

I waited for Brent to leave then hopped in the shower, trying to figure my life out. I’m not in love with anybody. Maybe I have some kind of feeling that I haven’t really had before, but it’s certainly not love.

I stepped out of the shower and wrapped myself in a towel. I don’t feel like getting ready today so I just brushed my hair and decided I’ll let it air dry. I pulled a sweater dress over my head and stepped into a pair of boots before heading downstairs. 

My brother leaned against the kitchen counter eating a bowl of cereal and I stopped in my tracks when Justin was leaning against the fridge holding a basketball in his hands.

“Morning Jules,” Jake said with a smile, “We’re just… going to go play ball.”

I bit at my bottom lip and looked away from Justin. Why is he still here?

“I’m going to… wait in the car, bro.” Justin said before heading to the door, “See ya Brent.”

“Bye Justin!”

“Bye Jules, have a good day.” he smiled before walking out the front door.

I crossed my arms after he left and turned to face Jake, “What the fuck?”

“What?” Jake asked with a chuckle, “What is wrong with you?”

“Why are you going to play basketball with him?”

“Because it’s Saturday and he has the day off, so we’re going to play ball. Is it a big deal?”

“Yes, it’s a big deal. I don’t want you to go play ball with him.” I whined.

“You are out of your mind Jules, we’re playing ball.”

“Jake, seriously,” I whined, “Don’t talk about me.”

He chuckled before putting his bowl into the sink, “What are we supposed to talk about if we can’t talk about you?” he answered sarcastically. “Relax, we will not talk about you.  Believe me, I don’t want any details about what is going on.” He hugged me tightly; “Don’t feel threatened because I’m spending time with Justin. You’re still my favorite,” he laughed as I pushed him away, “I’m on your side. It’s in my DNA, there’s no changing that. I’ll see you later.” He headed to the door before turning around, “It’s Saturday, why the fuck are you working?”

“Because I haven’t worked all week and I need to get shit done. Just go. Don’t talk about me!”

“Bye Jules! Later Brent!” Jake called on his way out.

“Your brother is too fucking hot for words.”

I turned to look a Brent for a second before I spoke, “Seriously?”

He laughed, “He’s fucking gorgeous Jules.”

I laughed and walked into my office, “I’m afraid I don’t see you having much of a chance with him.”

“Oh, I’m not interested in anything other than looking. Don’t worry.” He giggled, “And Justin… don’t get me started. The two of them together, I swear I walked into your house today and wondered why I’m not here every Saturday.”

“You’re a nerd,” I laughed, “K, what’s the plan for today?”