I sat in front of the stage in darkness and waited for Lance. I touched a button on my watch and its face lit up, showing me the time. Lance should have come jogging in here fifteen minutes ago. Maybe he’d decided to cut the arena out of his routine. He probably knew I’d be here. Just as I was about to leave, I heard the door creek open and a thin sliver of light invaded the arena’s artificial night. After assuring himself that the coast was clear, Lance closed the door gently and the midnight returned. “What happened to the stage lights?” I heard him asked himself and wandered over to the stage.
“Lance,” I whispered. I couldn’t see him but he was close, I could tell. The natural aura he gave off led me to believe he was somewhere within tangibility. I put out my hand and felt the air in front of me. To the left, to the right, there we go. I felt his moist skin underneath my fingertips and he swirled around.
“Who’s there?” he asked blindly.
I stood up and trailed my fingers along his arms until my fingers found his and intertwined with mine. “Why do you do this to yourself?” I asked in a hushed voice.
“Abby?”
“Just tell me. I’m not going to make fun, I promise. I’m just worried about you.”
“Let go.”
“No, I’m not going to let you leave until you tell me what’s the matter.”
“Nothing. What, I can’t take a jog if I want to!?”
“Shh. There’s no need to shout,” I said and pulled him closer. He was like a fish caught in a net, constantly struggling to get away. I had to make sure he stayed put.
His sweat had soaked through his shirt leaving his washboard stomach and well defined arms visually and tangibly exposed. I rubbed his stomach to dry the shirt there.
“Stop!” Lance said and backed himself up a bit. I had a firm hold of him, he wasn’t going anywhere. “You did come here to make fun of me.”
“Make fun of you how?”
“How pudgy I am.”
I laughed; one that rang throughout the entire arena. “Pudgy?” I asked in amazement. “You call this pudge?” I said and poked his six pack. I could feel his breath leave my forehead as he turned his head away. I frowned. “Who said you were pudgy?”
“I don’t know,” he said softly. “I heard a few fans talking one time.
They didn’t know I was behind them…”
“Lance, you are NOT pudgy. Trust me.”
“You have to say that, you work here.”
“I don’t have to say anything. I mean it. I mean no offense by this but…you’re a fine piece of ass.”
“You’re such a liar…” Lance said though I could hear a smile through his voice.
“Take my word on this one. Pudgy you are not.”
He turned his face toward me again. “You really mean it?”
“I really mean it.” I led him over to the chair I’d been sitting in before and pulled him down in the seat next to mine. “So what exactly caused this whole ‘jog-till-you-die’ plan? Besides the pudgy thing. Which, I reiterate, you are not.”
He laid his head on my lap. Little more than I’d expected but I managed to recover before I got too far gone. He was lying face up so that his face was toward mine although I was certain he couldn’t see it.
“I don’t know. I mean, ever since I first joined NSYNC, I’ve felt…almost...inferior. I mean, I wasn’t even the first guy picked for my spot. The original second N was a guy named Jason. I don’t even have a name that ends with N. Well, now I do but when think about it, I don’t have my own letter. I’m a fraud. NSYNC is a puzzle of five specific pieces but somehow I don’t seem to fit too well. I feel like I’m living a lie. I thought that if I changed my name I’d feel more like I belonged but it just didn’t…”
He trailed off for a moment. “But Lance, no one cares about your name or Jason or any of that. The fans love you anyway.”
I felt Lance shake his head before answering. “Not when we first came out. I’d hear what they’d say about me. How ugly I am, how weird I look…then I hear I’m gay. I’m not gay you know,” Lance said and raised his head a bit.
I laughed and laid his head back down. “Go on.”
“And so here I am with four good looking guys, great singers, great dancers…I can’t dance. They like sports and they’re good at them. I’m not that good at sports. I mean, maybe some basketball but...”
“What are you talking about? You can dance.”
“Not as well as the others. I pull right out Abby. That’s the problem. No one even knew me before the band started. Justin and I had the same vocal coach but that’s it.”
“And you came highly recommended right?”
“I guess.
“They obviously thought you were good enough, why don’t you?
He was silent, maybe thinking of something to say. Suddenly the arena lights came up and we both shielded our eyes until our pupils could adjust. When they did, I looked up to see who’d entered. “Hi Chris,” I said. It felt weird to not call him Satan.
“Hi,” he said uncertainly and looked from Lance to me and back. “I was just coming to find you. Justin, Joey and I are ready for face pa…make-up,” he corrected.
Lance leaned up and allowed me to leave. I gently patted him on the shoulder and let my hand slide down his arm before standing. He took a deep breath and looked into my eyes. “Thank you,” he mouthed. I smiled in return and watched him disappear past Chris.
I too made my way over to Chris and let him lead me to my boys. No matter how much they tried to get my attention I couldn’t stop thinking of Lance’s emerald gaze. His eyes had been so full of compassion. The thought re- emerged. Could he be Amar? Did I want him to be?
Out of the corner of my eye I saw an image appear at my door.
“Lance, what’s wrong?” I asked. Wasn’t he supposed to be getting made up? “Is Regina not here yet?”
Lance shook his head. “She’s with JC right now but I need something that I can only get from you.”
“What?”
Before I knew it, his arms were wrapped around me and holding tight. I rubbed his back and wiped some sweat from his hair. He leaned up and smiled, his face flushed pink for a minute.
“Gotta go”, he said quickly and ran out the door.
In his wake sat two confused NSYNCers but there was something about Chris’ expression that let on more sorrow than confusion. I didn’t have time to ask him about it but I would. This was all too much for me to keep from Amar. Of course I didn’t tell him what Lance had said but he was like heroin now and I was addicted.
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