I rolled over in bed and took a deep breath. A couple weeks had passed since that night with Chris and nothing had come up. The tour would be staring in less than seven days and I couldn’t imagine a bigger boon. In one short week, Christian and I would be free to spend as much time with each other as we wanted. I reached in front of me to where Christian usually laid but felt nothing, I felt around a little more before actually opening my eyes. When I did, I saw him sitting in a chair facing the bed. His eyes were red and bloodshot with deep bags under each. His hair was unkempt, boxers ruffled and the air around him seemed generally somber. “Baby, what’s wrong?” I asked raspy voiced.
His eyes focused on me and seemingly turned to stone. He held up a crisp looking magazine which upon further inspection turned out to be the newest edition of ‘Teen People’. He opened it up, “What’s this?” he asked sullenly.
I rubbed my eyes and flung my legs over the side of the bed. He rather harshly shoved it in front of my face so I could see better. My breath caught in my throat as a picture of Chris and I engaged in a sweet game of “tonsil hockey” as the magazine called it, stared bluntly back at me. My jaw dropped.
“Yeah, that’s what I did too.” Christian said and ran a shaky hand through his golden spikes. I had no idea how I was going to get myself out of this one. “At Disney World?” he asked. “I trust you with him and this is what happens?”
“Trust me with him? What are you talking about, you’re the one who wanted me to go. You forced me to go.”
“Oh I see, so you’re saying this is my fault.”
“No. Okay Christian. Let me explain…”
“Please.”
“I kissed him but it didn’t mean anything.”
“So its true. YOU kissed HIM.”
“We, we kissed each other but only because Brianna forced us into it.”
“Who the fuck is Brianna?” he shouted, suddenly extremely vexed.
“She’s Joey’s daughter.” He stared at me, bewildered. “It was harmless.”
“To who? Last thing I knew, harmless meant that what you do hurts no one but I’m hurting right now so obviously it wasn’t harmless Abigail.”
“Harmless means there was nothing behind it. No feelings, no sparks. It was like acting.”
“I wasn’t aware you’d made a career change.”
I rubbed my face, not believing what was happening right now. Christian and I had never gotten into a fight before and I’d NEVER heard his curse. Not once. I couldn’t even imagine the amount of pain he was going through right now but all I could say for myself was..
“You weren’t supposed to find out.”
Yeah, THAT’S the ticket.
“I wasn’t supposed to find out?” Christian chuckled and clenched his jaw. “I wasn’t supposed to…my girlfriend cheats and all she can say for herself is ‘you weren’t supposed to find out.’”
“I wasn’t cheating Christian, please believe me.”
“Oh you weren’t cheating?” He ripped out the page and held it up again. “THIS isn’t cheating?” He turned it toward him then back at me, “Ooo, looks like cheating to me!”
“Christian…please,” I said and reached for his hand.
“Don’t, touch me. I don’t know where those hands have been.”
“Why won’t you believe me when I say it didn’t mean anything?”
“You really wanna know why I don’t believe you?”
“Yes.”
“You wanna know?”
“Yes!”
“If this kiss was as ‘harmless’ as you say it was, you would have told me before now. You would have told me and you wouldn’t have been so shocked when I showed it to you AND you wouldn’t be trembling right now.”
I looked down at my hands. My God he was right, I was trembling like a shack in an earthquake. “I’m trembling because you’re so upset with me,” I lied. “I don’t want to lose you. Not this way.”
“Well, tell me which way you want to lose me and I’m sure we can make that happen.”
“I don’t. Ever. God, Christian. You’re the best thing that ever happened to me and you know that.”
“Then why would you risk it?”
“I don’t know. I was afraid you’d react….well, like this.”
“Have I ever reacted like this before?”
“No.”
“Then what made you think I would?”
He had me there. We both sat looking at each other for a tense moment. Suddenly he sprang up and headed toward the door.
“Where are you going?” I asked on the verge of tears.
“None of your business.”
“Please don’t leave?” He stopped when I said that. One hand on the doorknob, the other balled into a tight fist. I ran over to him then and took his fist in my hands and kissed it open. “I’m sorry,” I said softly. “I love you. You know I love you.” I could see the warmth beginning to filter back into his eyes but just as it came, it went. He pried his hand from mine and clenched it again. “Are you coming back?” I asked.
He looked at me for a few more seconds then proceeded out the door. I didn’t know what to think. He’d never gotten this mad at me before ever in our relationship. Should I take that as a “no”, as a “yes” or as an “I don’t know”? I spent the next few hours sitting in the middle of the room rocking back and forth and the tears simply surged out of my eyes. My entire body shook in fear and regret. What if Christian didn’t come back? I would have just given up the one man I love and who actually loves me back. I’d never be able to forgive myself. I let myself drown in my own worries and tears, I didn’t deserve any better.
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