I paced the length of the room with all eyes fastened on me. I’d decided to just start talking. What came out of my mouth would be as much of a surprise to me as it would be to them. “First I’d like to say I’m so sorry for putting all of you through this. I never meant for it to come to this.”
“None of us did,” Christian interrupted.
“Please, no talking okay? I just need to get this out.”
They all nodded or settled back into their seats, something to let me know they were ready to listen. I took a deep breath. “I’ll start with Christian.” BBMAK sat up. “Christian. I love you, you know I do.”
I was overwhelmed by the magnanimous amount of things I wanted to say so I took a short breath before continuing. “If what I’m saying seems haphazard, please forgive me.”
I walked up to my ex-boyfriend and placed my hands on his cheeks, letting them glide down to this jawbone and finally all the way down to his hands. “You are everything I’ve ever dreamed of in a man. I can honestly say that being with you makes me feel more secure, more protected, and more at home than any other person in this entire world.” My eyes settled on his. “I don’t know what happened that day you talked to my father. I don’t know why you did it, what you were trying to do or where I’d be if you’d succeeded but I know all of the answers are negative.”
I could feel my voice starting to crack. Christian must have been able to as well because he began petting my hair. “I don’t know how or if I can survive in a relationship where my boyfriend, my BEST friend, can’t even attempt to work something as simple as a stray kiss out with me before running to my father. There were plenty of times I got pissed at you or I’d sit alone crying and my dad offered to “speak” with you. Every time I said no. I don’t see why you couldn’t have done the same.”
That came out pretty well, so I thought. I looked around the room for the first time since I began my harangue of sorts. I couldn’t bring myself to look at the NSYNCers just yet but BBMAK all had pensive expressions. As if by thinking hard enough about it, they could change the past. I knew how they felt and if that’s all it took then I would have done it already. “Christian, I never meant to hurt you,” I confessed. “The first kiss with Chris…I’ll admit, I felt something but you have no idea how horrible I felt afterwards. I don’t know what I’ll end up saying in a few minutes but…whatever it is, know that I do, and always will, love you.” I planted a kiss on his furrowed forehead and turned to face Chris.
“Chris,” I said and let out a deep breath.
The door squeaked open then and we all looked over to see who had caused this untimely interruption. Joey and Steve both poked their heads in as if to ask “Is it okay if we come?” I waved for them to enter and close the door behind them. I could see in Justin and Lance’s eyes that they were concerned about what I might say now that Joey had arrived. They thought I might end up saying something I’d regret later on. I didn’t know what I was going to say but I sure as hell knew what I wasn’t and Joe was in the latter category.
I filled my lungs with oxygen and started again. “Chris. Last night, Disney World, they were both absolutely incredible. You bring out a part of me that I never knew I had. To tell he truth, after you guys left my room this morning, I went into the shower. I could smell your after shave and I honestly stood there for a good three minutes, wanting to run to the door and call you back just so I could feel your arms around me again.”
Oh, I knew it. I knew they would come and here they were. Tears slowly trickled down my flushed cheeks as I continued. “And…” I was getting so choked up I could barely speak. “I saw one of the rings that you left near the sink. The silver and black one,” he nodded and squeezed my hands. “And, I found an old chain of mine. I decided that I should give your ring a home, even if it is for only a couple more minutes.”
I pulled out my chain from where it laid beneath my shirt. Chris smiled but I frowned. “You’re wonderful to me Chris. You are and you’re a great friend but I was thinking about the plan you had when we came back. And about the prank. Chris, after that I lost all respect for you and all trust and although you’re well on the way to gaining it back, there is one thing that I just don’t…” I had to think of another way of putting this.
“You told me that you not only convinced Christian to date me but also asked him to dump me when we got back and why? Because that’s what you wanted. You wanted me and you were prepared to do anything to get me. How can I be with a guy who won’t take no for an answer? It’s an admirable trait but at the same time it’s your worst. So everytime I don’t do exactly what you want me to, you’ll make it so I have no other choice? I’m not a toy, Chris.”
“I don’t think you are..” he said, his voice trailing off in assumed defeat.
“Shh, babe. It’s okay.” I stepped away from Chris and back up so I could see all of them. I wiped my tears and sniffled. “I know,” I paused, “I know who it’s gonna be.”
My heart tore in two when I said those words. I didn’t want to have to let either of them go but this had to be done.
“Who?” Joey asked and looked up at me. I could almost hear the beatings of their hearts. I closed my eyes and begged the Lord for enough strength to do this. My whole body shook as I drew in the fateful breath…
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