I know I’ve told you this time and time again, but I’m not an alcoholic. Really I’m not. Don’t be rolling your eyes at me. Seriously, I’m not. I was going through a rough time. (So like my cousin says: Suck it!!)

What do you do when you break up with someone you’ve been with for just a measly year? When you thought things were great, (You know, when you can’t breathe without them. That kind of sappy crap.) and then suddenly it’s not. Do you go shopping? Do you get high? (Say No To Drugs) Do you drink? Do you get revenge? (Revenge is good, but don’t get too caught up in it.) Are you bitter? (Like Justin says: You should be better not bitter.) Well imagine breaking up with someone who you’d been with for thirteen years, then come talk to me about how to handle it. It’s a pretty tough place to be.

I know I might have not chosen the correct way of dealing with my emotions, but it was all I could come up with. (Although therapy would be your best option. Just for future reference.) I’m thankful that I was there only physically, partying and drinking every night, but not there with my mind. Does that make sense? (It does to me. So if you have a problem then… never mind) If I would have gotten caught up, I don’t think I would be here right now. I would be in some club, drinking my sorrows away, until this day. Anyway, while I was partying all night physically, my mind was somewhere else altogether. I couldn’t really tell you exactly where that was, but I can tell you it was somewhere where I didn’t feel betrayed. Somewhere where I was loved and taken care of. More specifically, somewhere where my best friends were all I needed to keep me happy. (Besides the Margaritas, Malibu and Cranberry, Lemon Drops, Rum and Coke, Jolly Ranchers and Grey Goose with Cranberry.)

It’s amusing to hear Justin’s side of things because I was so caught up in my changes (drunkenness) that I failed to notice how he’d changed (horniness) too. I didn’t realize that me sitting on his lap (which I’ve done plenty of times, still do) had been so torturous for him. I didn’t know that while I dance with him (I get down, baby!), he’d been avoiding touching me. I think I would have noticed these things if I wasn’t so caught up (drunk) in the fact that I was cheated on, another statistic of a failed relationship, another woman who’d loved and had gotten betrayed.

I know Lynn didn’t get into the details of me being drugged at the bar, but I want to talk about it. (At least what I remember about it.) These things happened everyday and it’s a scary thought. To think that you could be out minding your own business and someone slips you something makes me irate. I still can’t believe it happened to me. I was lucky to have Justin there because I did go out on my own some nights (When Trace was out with the trick of the week or when Justin had to work.) and I can’t imagine what would’ve happened. The thought that I could have ended up in some ditch raped, and battered not to mention dead, scares the hell out of me. I’ve learned not to play the ditching game with Sexual Chocolate. (That’s Justin’s security, but what the hell am I saying, you already knew that, didn’t you?) Like I said I’m so lucky and grateful that I had Justin there watching after me the whole time.

Isn’t Justin Timberlake the best? You’re pathetic do you know that? I know the only reason you’re putting up with me and haven’t exed out of this page is because you adore him. Don’t lie. I feel ya. I’d put up with myself too if it meant I got a glimpse into Justin Timberlake’s life. Don’t be calling me names cause I just got a little bitchy, either. I told you I was going to be straight up you and I can’t do that if I’m not myself. So do I think you’re pathetic for adoring my perfect specimen of a man? Yes. But I never said I wasn’t pathetic too. Wink.

You know if I hadn’t been so drunk (Roll your eyes if you want to. I don’t care.) I would have probably given myself to Justin. (At least sooner. Hater!!) I mean how many guys do you know have bodyguards protecting you? How many guys carry you to the bathroom so that you can relieve yourself of the alcohol you consumed? How many guys do you know make it a rule in life to love you? How many guys do you know that care whether you’re being ladylike for your own good? How many guys do you know give you a cute nickname and sticks with it for twenty some odd years? Not many, huh? Didn’t think so. Which is why I’m the luckiest girl in the world. Don’t hate.

Ohh the infamous first kiss. What can I say? Other than the fact that I don’t freaking remember. Isn’t that horrible? How could I have been asleep the first time I kissed Justin Timberlake? Justin-Every-healthy-woman-in-the-universe-wants-me-Timberlake kissed me and I was on cloud nine, passed the F out. Not so lucky that night, huh? I’ve since made up for that and he tends to still have jokes about it but screw it, I don’t care. I wish I could remember it though because he says it was the best kiss he’d ever had at that point. And anything Justin likes I like to give, ya know what I mean? Wink, wink. (Justin just walked by. I think he’s on the phone with his momma.)

Didn’t I tell you that I got my record deal in the oddest way? One phone call and I was on a flight to L.A. to sign my contract. Justin assured me that the contract was almost identical to his, although his had a lot more zeros at the end. But I didn’t need assurance, I trusted him then and I trust him now. So I got my shit together and went on a new adventure. I was going to record an album. Pretty amazing stuff, if you ask me. And even if you didn’t, you just got told.

I know I shouldn’t use this time to tell you about the endless clubs we went to but screw it. If you’re ever in New York and are of age I suggest 40/40 Club, Coyote Ugly (my favorite), Cheeta Club and Studio 54. If you’re ever in Los Angle-less (that’s what Justin calls it), you should check out Mood and Privilege (you need special invite for that one). In Vegas you most definitely need to check out Ghostbar and Rain at the Palms Hotel and Casino. Just a little suggestion for ya. You can take it or leave it. (Again cause I don’t care.)

Forgive me father for I have been a bitch this time.

I’m going to go harass the boys some more. Did I tell you that Nsync is here? Yay!! How many of you can say that? Not one.

I’m fully aware that I can be a bitch sometimes but you love me. (Stop rolling your eyes.)

So I’ll talk to you later.

Love, Jojo (Seriously, I got mad love fo’ ya)

---------------------------------------------

Always Say Hello (Remix # 2)

Wow. Someone was being a bitch with a capital B. Somehow ‘someone’ got on four guys’ nerves with her jokes about them and four Nsync members dunked ‘someone’ in the pool.

Pretty funny but I saved her so don’t worry.

Just to clarify. I’m not an alcoholic either. Yes, I party it up as much as the next person but I know my limits. (Most of the time)

Here are three ways this whole breakup-thing should have gone:

Option #1: What do you do when you break up with someone you’ve been with for thirteen years? Well you party with your best friend of course. You pretend that nothing is wrong with you. You drink and drink and drink some more after that. Then you ditch your security and get something slipped into your drink. Then you drink some more after that. Let’s not forget, you shake your (beautiful) ass on bar tops.

Option #2: What do you do when you break up with someone you’ve been with for thirteen years? You talk to your best friends. You tell them that you’re hurting. You tell them that you need some time to clear your head and heart. You let them hear you out. You cry your little heart out on their shoulders.

Option #3: What do you do when you break up with someone you’ve been with for thirteen years? You start to notice how your best friend looks at you. (How he’s always looked at you.) You take notice of how scared of touching you, your best friend is. You take notice that your best friend hasn’t had a girlfriend in a really, really, really, long time. (Dry spells are a bitch.) You would have noticed that you kissed him first. (You shouldn’t have been asleep. Period.) You would realize that your best friend is the love of your life.

You already know the option Jojo took. But in her defense (I do that a lot. Defend her.), I know I was in the wrong too. I could have changed every single one of those options to my advantage. For example: Option one, I could have said no to her requests to go out and made her talk to us. Which would have taken us to option two, right away. And then there was option three, which is basically my wishful thinking. She wasn’t going to notice any of that. Who was I trying to kid? Yeah I know, myself.

I’m glad to hear that my ‘side’ of things is amusing. Really amazing how she still laughs in my face about my fears. Really great to have that kind of respect from your girl, isn't it? Do you respect me? Also I don’t really like my love for her to be classified as horniness. Is that even a damn word? Up until the age of nineteen I tried not to look at her sexually. I really did. Really hard. But then I just told myself that I loved her, and it wasn’t like I started loving her when I realized she had a fat ass. I loved her when she was covered in dirt when we were kids. I loved her when her hair was in a big hot mess. So by the time we were both twenty-four and single, I was ready to jump her bones. (I’m such a pig.) She’s so fucking hot with her bangin ass body and those eyes that make me melt and get hard at the same time. I’m just glad she was too drunk to feel my stuff press up on her when she sat on my lap that night. If she did she still hasn’t mentioned anything to me. She’s felt it eventually, though I can tell you that much.

I’m not even going to get into the Vegas night with the Ecstasy bullshit. I refuse to. It will never, ever, ever happen again. I will commit murder in a blink of an eye. Go ahead try to hurt her. I dare you.

And please don’t think you’re pathetic for being a fan of mine. She’s just pissed right now cause the guys are on her case. I mean, I keep telling her to leave them alone but she won’t listen. But anyway, yeah, don’t think you’re pathetic. I love you guys too. Wink. (I don’t actually wink that much, by the way.)

I was just on the phone with my momma. She says hello to you, by the way. I was telling her that we were up to the part were Jojo kissed me. She finds it amusing, interesting enough. I told her about it, leaving out the fact that I was sort of drunk too, of course. She didn’t like the fat that Jojo had been drunk but she had been so happy for me. You know why? Because I was a happy fool. And guess what? When I’m happy, everyone is happy. I’m deeply loved.

Just to feed your curiosity, it was only ONE more zero in my contract. That was just because I was expected to have large sales. Jive Records pays in advance, baby!! Which kind of sucks, when you think about it. Cause the more money there is on the table the more pressure there is to make more of it. Get me? No? Okay well I confused myself there for a minute too so don’t feel bad.

Forgive me father for I have sinned. I just peeked in the bathroom where Jo is taking a shower. Yum. I think I’m done here. For now. I am in desperate need of a shower myself.

And Jojo you’re wrong. I’m the luckiest GUY in the world. I have you. (Naked in the shower.)

You know the drill.

This is The Orgasm Donor signing out.

-------------------------------------------------

Don’t Say Hello Or Goodbye, Just Keep Fucking Walking (Remix #3)

The orgasm donor? He got that shit from me. I ain’t lying. I just donated multiple ones a few minutes ago if you really want to know.

You know if Justin wasn’t my boy I’d kick his ass for making sexual innuendos about Manda. But he’s my boy and so it’s cool. Did I mention that I just got one off? Damn that was good. If things (sex) keep going the way it’s been going (fucking great!!) for the past couple of months with Elisha, I might have to keep her. She’s good. But hell don’t fucking tell her I said that. I’m drunk.

What the fuck? I think I just heard a moan coming from the bathroom upstairs. That’s fucking gross. That’s my cousin. I think I might reconsider this shit. I am definitely kicking his ass. He’s taking this whole orgasm-donating thing too far. I don’t want to hear that shit. They should learn to close doors. No fuck it, they should both be virgins.

Hold on I have to close that bedroom door.

I’m back and officially sober.

These fucking friends of mine.

I’m gonna kill’em.

You got punk’d!!! You think we’re really gonna leave the door open while we have sex? Think again, dirtball!! We’ve been done. You should have seen your face though. Priceless!!!

Shut up. Go away, so that I can finish this shit that I’m being forced into. No jodas mas!! (Translation: Stop fucking around!!)

Sorry about that. Manda can be extremely mature sometimes. (Insert sarcasm here) She’s gone now though so I can continue.

Did I mention that I’m sober now? Do you know that it means that I now have to go back to the game room, where everyone is hanging out, and drink ten more beers? Life sucks doesn’t it? I swear revenge is mine. For real. Wait till Elisha is done taking a shower in the guestroom. I’m gonna fuck her so hard the whole world is gonna hear it. Wait. I already did that tonight. Twice. Third time’s the charm though, and so they say.

Here comes the proclaimed donor himself.

What’s going on sexy? Yeah I’m talking to you. I’m done laughing about Trace’s face as he closed our door while we stood just inside the bathroom watching him. I’m done. I swear. For real. Stop laughing, you’re gonna make me laugh. He’s getting really pissed now. For real, STOP!!! Anyway, I just came on here real quick to tell you that Trace took an hour to get to the computer. So don’t be thinking that I was quick, if you know what I mean. This is what I hate about literature; there really isn’t any sense of real time. And FYI, I just donated three, baby!! Three. Uno. Dos. Tres. Hey, that’s Trace’s name!! Okay I’m gone I’m taking up Trace’s time. You should have seen his face it was… never mind.
Okay so my buzz is gone. My girl is taking a shower. Wait. Did I say, my girl? Son of a bitch. This is fucking incredible. How the fuck did this creep up on me? Fuck!!! Whoever invented this shit should go to hell. Right now. Get moving. Starts in an L ends in an E. You know what I’m talking about. If you see that shit, kick its ass for me. Damnit the hell.

I need a drink. Bad. I can’t believe I just got hit.

I think I’m going to die.

Something is happening.

Holy shit!! What’s happening?

I think I might still be drunk. I gotta get out of here.

Peace and Lo… oh hell no!!

Just Peace!!