Oh the drama!! How do you feel about me now? Are you calling me all kinds of names? You and I both know that you are. It’s understandable, because I know what it’s like to love this man. Anything that hurts him hurts me just as much, if not more. So when you’re angry at me for what you just found out, I understand. I truly do.

I’ve made a point to talk to you in an orderly fashion (at least I’ve tried), so let’s talk about my album some. The hard work I put into it and the hard work everyone involved put in as well.

I spent two months of my life doing something that I didn’t now I longed. I mean, I knew I could sing, don’t get me wrong, but it wasn’t something I wanted to take to the extreme I’ve taken it too.  Growing up I always had my mother whispering her praises about my voice to me. I took them with a grain of salt because I didn’t think it was something I wanted to do.

My inspirations for careers ranged from one thing to another, when I was a kid. I remember wanting to be a pool man when I was eight (I loved the pool). That was right after wanting to own a WNBA team but then you already knew that one. And then I wanted to be an accountant because I believed I could manage money (I had twenty whole dollars saved, which made me a good candidate.)

So anyway, becoming a singer wasn’t anything I wanted, really. As I got older and Justin started twinkling around with music, I enjoyed listening to him more than I liked singing. Which in turn made me a fan of his music, not so much my own. Yeah I know, it’s pathetic but if you truly knew how I feel about this man, you’d understand.

We had some good sessions in the studio, Justin and I. We could spend hours upon hours and not realize that it was the next day. I have a laptop full of ideas and hooks that are yet to be released because of those sessions. And someday I may share them with you.

At that point, when Justin dropped the bomb on me, we hadn’t even finished the album. Jive was so anxious to get someone new out there for you guys that it was like a hasty situation. Justin wouldn’t have that, though. He made a few phone calls, got a hold of all the right people to come work with me. Only the best, he kept saying, while deep inside I knew that no one would be better than he was. I went along with it though, and although it really was rushed, I think the album turned out just the way I wanted and not some uptight big wig at the label. (No puppet on a string bullshit) Justin made sure my contract indicated that I had full control in the music that I wanted to create, leaving the releasing part to the experts. Justin made sure everything was up to par; after all, he is my co-manager. He always has my back.

Trace had my back too and I will forever love him for that. He’s my blood, my family, my heart. Looking back now, I appreciate all that he did while I recorded my album. I mean you name it, he did it. He even went as far as getting me feminine products because I didn’t have time to run to the store. Anything I needed, he got for me. And on top of catering to me, he had his own career to take care of as well, catering to Justin. He’s good at what he does, so please have respect for him. I know many of you think he’s basically Justin’s bitch. And in our like triangular world, he is, BUT he is very professional and does a great job. Anyone in the music industry or any industry for that matter would be privileged to have him work for them. For real.

And that folks is the epitome of ass kissing. I love those boys!! You ask why? (Why I’m kissing their ass, not why I love them, by the way.) Well things are about to get really f’ed up and while you enjoy hearing about our life, we have to relive it as we tell it to Lynn. Trust me when I say that Justin, Trace and I MUST really love each other because the things that took place aren’t pretty. We shouldn’t even be friends, right now. But I’m in love with one of them and the other is my cousin, who I love too, so ya know.

So you see how I’ve managed to distract you from the matters at hand. Did I do a good job? I think so. Anyway, what do you want to know? Did Lynn do a good job telling that part of our lives to you? I think she may have. Was it a little rushed and sudden? Yes, I believe so.

I would have liked to have heard about the other place, Justin and I went to that day, besides the pool. I mean I was there obviously but I would have liked for you two know that Justin took me to have breakfast at the Shelby Forest diner. It was our favorite place to go (when you live in a town like Shelby Forest, everywhere is a favorite because there’s only one) for breakfast when we were kids. Although he’d shoved a bowl of cereal down his throat that day, he managed to eat three scrambled eggs, grits, bacon and three sides of toast. Where does he put it? Seriously, I don’t know. And why do I remember what he ordered? I had my strawberry topped pancakes that till this day I still make sure to have every time we are home. It was a nice gesture of him to take me there because I was really tired and being surrounded by memories was relaxing. The place was nearly empty when we got there and luckily none of the neighborhood kids had shown up. So it was a nice breakfast, although it was almost four o’clock when we ate it.

But then he took me to the pool and that wasn’t so nice.

You might be searching for websites as we speak so you can go learn how to created a bomb and ship it to me. But work with me here. I mean one minute we are being the best of friends and the next he’s declaring his LOVE for me? Shit doesn’t register correctly when you’re put on the spot. Twenty-three years of my life flushed in front of my own eyes.

Yes, I realize I may have been a little dramatic and I may have overreacted. Okay a lot dramatic and way overreacted, but come on. What exactly does someone, especially a clueless someone, do when their best friend tells them that they love them? If there was a course on handling this in high school or college, I clearly missed it. I must have been out somewhere with the asshole, making out or something.

So there I was, enjoying my day with my best friend, Justin Timberlake. I’m thinking I’m the luckiest girl in the world. I had two best friends that I adored. An awesome family. A new career in music. An ex-boyfriend whom I didn’t miss quite like I should have, a blessing from God, as Justin said. And instead I was being se up.

Sure I had all those things going on in my life. But I was missing that one itty bitty part. Heartache.

In my head I was flipping out, similar to how I reacted. I kept thinking that I must have been having a crazy off the wall nightmare. Because my best friend in the whole world was not telling me that he was in love with me. It wasn’t possible that he was saying that to me in real life because, well just because. He wasn’t supposed to love me, like that. We were supposed to be friends forever. He wasn’t supposed to know my size. He wasn’t supposed to caress my hair lovingly. He just could not be saying what he was saying. It was some kind of an unwritten rule.

And in my heart I was saying…… well Lynn will get to that. (Don’t be mad.)

I think that about covers everything I wanted you to know, for now. I have to go take Jonathan (Justin’s brother, he’s visiting with us) to the store for some playstation game or something.

Oh by the way, it’s been about a week since I last talked to ya. I know it’s hard to tell when you’re reading but we all have careers to tend to besides sitting here and telling you our life story. (I promise that wasn’t said with an attitude, it just seemed that way.) So Lynn took a few days off but now she’s back and she’s looking forward to delivering good word to ya.

Justin should be up in a while; he’s making Jonathan a list of crap to get for him. Boys! I’ll talk to ya lata.

Trace should be around here somewhere. Apparently he’s trying to break things off with Elisha and it’s not working. She’s so not trying to let him go. Funny stuff!

Nos Vemos
 

Weaker (Remix #2)

You can’t tell but I have a really big smile on my face because I’m happy. Wanna know why? Because I haven’t talked to you in a week and I missed you. Did you miss me? I understand that you probably didn’t get a chance to miss me being that I’m just a couple of words to you, but I just want you to know that I missed you. I really did.

(Now THAT was the epitome of ass kissing.)

I’m gonna need all the love I can get from you now because I’m not so sure I’ll get it later. And like I said before, I like you and I wouldn’t want our relationship to suffer.

So we are talking about THE day aren’t we? Let’s not, right now. Let’s chat about something else.

Let’s chat abut the fact that she had money cause she used all of ours. Trace, me and the other guy (you know who I’m talking about) used to sit and watch her eat ice cream countless times cause we didn’t have enough money to get her one and ourselves one. I would have hated to see who she would have ended up being an accountant for. For real.

Trace is your heart? Seriously? That hurts. When did that happen?

Ohh man, Jo started talking about the Shelby Forest Diner and now I want to hop on a plane and go have breakfast. Having that simple breakfast is what I like to call living the simple life. I can always count on going home and escaping the real world that I live in. The real world in which cameras start flashing, the moment I leave my house. The real world, in which I can’t go to a diner and have a nice humble breakfast without it being in the tabloids, claiming I’m broke. Going to the Shelby Forest Diner is a perk in my life and knowing what I now about the business, I figure taking Jo to all the places that she takes for granted, was a treat.

I learned not to take those places that I love, my real home, for granted because once I left it, it became a novelty. It’s refreshing and relaxing to go home to the same old neighbors, the same people that still look at me as though I’m just another person in town. Another person who moved away but has come to visit, Lynn’s son, in town. That is what I love the most. Now don’t get me wrong, I love what I do. I love entertaining you. Believe that. But one thing I always say that just doesn’t sit well with me is the obsessive popularity. I can do without having ten blacked out SUVs in front of my gates. I could stand walking down Rodeo Drive and picking up jewelry for my mother and girlfriend, without it being on the next episode of Access Hollywood. But that’s just wishful thinking in my part. I know that being able to do what I do requires sacrifices. And if my sacrifice to be able to entertain you is to have my mug on magazines and on gossip TV, then so be it. I love what I do. We, as entertainers, love what we do. If we didn’t, you wouldn’t know who the hell Justin Timberlake was. Imagine that. No Justin Timberlake. No Amanda Reyes. No Trace Ayala. (He’s a celebrity in his own right) No you, really because without each other we wouldn’t be here, would we? Think about it.

I’m guessing the time has come, huh? The moment on this remix where I have to tell you about my confession. I’m also guessing I don’t have a choice. So here it goes.

I fucked up.

I got in this huge ‘disagreement’ with Trace and I don’t like being angry with Trace. I don’t like having him being angry with me. So what do I do? I say what I have to say and ruin my fucking life, that’s what I do. Till this day, I still question myself about the whole way it went down. At a pool? How clever you must think I am.

In all honesty I was just tired. Jo was tired physically because she’d never done the whole recording till you dropped routine but I had five albums under my belt at the time, I was a pro. When I say tired I mean, emotionally tired. I spent all my life holding my feelings for her bottled up, in order to keep us both in a safe zone. A zone where she was dating and probably marrying Jeremy (yeah that’s right I said it) and I was gong to marry another woman in my fucked up dream of happiness. That’s the way I wanted it to go. But then I told Trace about how I felt about his cousin and if you knew Trace you’d try your hardest to avoid disappointing him.

He said he was disappointed in me the day we had the ‘disagreement’. It crushed me. So I had to do something about it. I had to speak up because the last thing I wanted to do was disappoint my best friend.

I know that sounds gay as fuck but here me out. Trace can be a complete asshole, you have probably experience his assholeness (I am aware that isn’t a real word, but screw it!! I’m talking here.) first hand, at some concert if you tried to ask him for backstage passes without offering him some head first or something. (By the way, those of you who have done it, I recommend you STOP, it’s a disgrace. After a concert all I want to do is relax, and honestly those of you who make it backstage are a little crazy.) What the hell was I saying? Oh, Trace. Yeah Trace can be a state-of-the-art asshole BUT he’s loyal. I can count on Trace to have my back in anything I do. Even if that anything is dating the wrong women. (ie. Cameron) I knew for a fact that he never liked Cameron but you couldn’t tell. I could tell though but it didn’t stop him from sticking by me. He’s been through everything with me just like Amanda has and yes just like Jeremy has. But there’s something about Trace that I can’t explain. He means the world to me. He’s my best friend.

So when you hear that he’s disappointed in you for the first time in your life, it hurts. So there I was with one best friend who I loved with all my heart and one that was disappointed in me. Trace kept telling me that Amanda would be okay with my confession. That she would probably jump into my arms and give me that kiss I’d been yearning for all my life. (He didn’t know about the drunken kiss, my own little secret) But I told him that he was wrong. I told him that if I told her she would disappear from my life but he kept saying that I was wrong. And at the time I wasn’t trying to hear that.

So he’s pissed, he wouldn’t come home with us and then I found my balls in the pool I guess. I needed to know that I hadn’t disappointed him so I opened my mouth and spoke. Do I think it was a mistake? No. Did I think it was a mistake that very moment? Hell yeah.

You should have seen the look of complete despair across Amanda’s face. God it makes me want to crawl up and call my mother every time I remember. (You knew I was a momma’s boy when you became a fan, so don’t laugh.) I guess I can’t blame her, after all.

She didn’t have over twenty years of the thought to marinate in her head, in her heart.  I had my whole life to deal with my feelings; she had about five seconds to register it all.

Did it hurt? Of course, I wanted to basically take everything back. I wanted never to see that look of pure mistrust directed toward me. I wanted my Jojo back. The one that disappeared the moment I told her I loved her. The one that I loved all my life. She was gone. It was as easy at that, three simple words that usually mean the world to someone, were the cause of the end of mine.
 

Stronger (Remix #3)

He means the world to me? He’s my best friend? That does sound gay as fuck!! But I feel ya, bro.

So what’s up with you? It’s been a few. How are you feeling? Good? Good. How am I you ask? Well apparently I’m in fucking love. Who would have thought that was possible. Believe me when I say that I have tried to avoid this shit like the fucking plague. I don’t want to be Justin. I never have wanted to be like him. (He’s such a LOVE sap) Now all I can do is walk round with a fucking grin on my fucking face. The grin is apparently being caused by Elisha, which is what Manda keeps fucking yapping about.

You know this is all her fault, don’t you? Her fucking mouth. She just had to keep feeding me these fucking little lines, and subconsciously my damn heart was listening. All I’ve been hearing since high school was “One of these days you’re going to find this wonderful woman who you won’t be able to stop thinking about”.  And what do you fucking know. It happened. Son of a bitch!!

I just need to get that shit f my chest. Thank you for listening or reading, or whatever it is that you’re doing.

So I didn’t go home as you see s there’s not much I can tell you about that day. Although I can guarantee that I was probably with Elisha at the time just trying to get my share of ass before I hightailed it out there. (But you already know what happened there)

So what you just read was the same version I got from those two moronic human beings I call my best friends.

So it didn’t go quite like I told him it would go BUT it worked out in the end. So fuck it. He still thinks I should apologize for telling him off but I don’t think I have to. I said what I had to say and as you can see we’re still friends. It’s not like it broke our friendship apart or anything. I mean I was just tired of hearing him talking about how much he loved her all the time. Or how sexy she was in her jeans, I just did not want to hear that shit. For one she s my cousin, so Justin and I can’t have a ‘guys’ talk about her cause that just ain’t right. And second I was already fucked up in the head about Elisha and hearing that shit had me going crazy. So I flipped, I can’t even remember how the whole conversation started. All I know is that he kept saying that he couldn’t do it. And to me that’s just NOT Justin. The man can do anything he’d set his mind on doing. Anything. So yeah I was disappointed that first he was giving up. And second that he wasn’t giving Manda the benefit of a doubt, and if all three of us know anything at all, we know that we can count on one another. So yeah, he pissed me off and I told him I was disappointed in him. I really was.

And they both appreciate that I said that, now, I’m sure. You should see those tow, they are pathetic. They walked around with fucking little heart in their eyes for one another. Kind of like I do now. Bitches!!

Anyway I’m heading out with Manda and Jonathan to the video game store. She’s been on the phone with my mother and has had a chance to leave. Puertoriquen women can talk, let me tell you. And now especially since they have all this planning for……

Whoa!! I’m off the phone. Stop right there. There you go opening you mouth again, dirtball. Change the subject.

Have I mentioned that I hate being interrupted yet my friends constantly do it? Yeah.

Well I’m gonna go. I have to meet Elisha later on for dinner.

For God sakes, I DO dinner now. What ever happened to booty calls?

Peace.