June 2005
Memphis, Tennessee
Midnight

Amanda was exhausted beyond words as she walked slowly toward the hotel suite, the front desk lady had indicated. Debating on whether or not crashing her mother’s weekend was the proper thing to do, she stood by the door.

She knew she wasn’t acting like the grown woman that she obviously was but it didn’t matter to her because more than anything she needed her mother. She needed the comfort that she knew only her mother could give. The thought of having her mother’s arms wrapped around her when she needed it the most, made her eyes water in anticipation.

Her head ached from all the crying she’d done while riding around in a public bus for three hours.  She knew she didn’t look her best, either. Her hair was tied back in a messy ponytail and she still wore her jean shorts over her bikini which had long ago dried. The last of her thoughts were on how she looked and the only matter of concern to her was how she felt. She felt like her life was falling apart around her and she couldn’t stop it. It had been three hours since her life had started crumbling right in front of her eyes.

Not being able to contain the need to cry, she let her tears flow as she knocked on the suite’s door. What seemed like an eternity later, the door swung open to reveal her mother.

“Amanda, what are you doing here?” she asked as Amanda threw her arms around her, crying hysterically. “What’s going on, baby?”

“I….he…,” Amanda mumbled from the crook of her mother’s neck not being able to speak.

“Amanda? Jesus, what’s wrong?” Lynn appeared from the suite’s living room, closing the door behind them. “What happened?”

“I don’t know,” Amanda’s mother responded. “Baby? Amanda? You’re going to have to calm down, baby. I can’t help you if you keep crying like this. What’s going on?”

“I…..can’t….stop….. cry…ing, ma….mi,” Amanda slurred. “Make…it……stopppppp.”

“Are you hurt, pumpkin? Did someone hurt you?” Lynn asked with a worried look on her face. Amanda shook her head, not being able to stop crying to answer.
“Amanda? Where’s Justin? Why aren’t you with him?”

“Where’s Justin, baby?” her mother questioned.

“Did something happen to Justin, Amanda?” Lynn asked panicked. “Where’s Justin?”

“I…co..uld….ca..re….le…ss,” Amanda said lifting her head from her mother’s shoulder.

“Baby, you need to stop crying just long enough for us to understand what you’re saying,” her mother said looking at her.

“I.. said,” Amanda let out as she wiped at her face harshly, trying to stop her crying. “I could care less where your fucking son is,” she sneered at Lynn.

“Amanda!! Who do you think you’re talking to that way?” her mother reprimanded. “Now I know something’s wrong but you can’t and will not speak to Lynn that way!!”

“It’s alright Rosie, she’s just upset,” Lynn said softly before looking at Amanda with tears brimming her own eyes at the sight of the pain, Amanda had in her eyes. “I understand.”

“You should understand you gave birth to the asshole!!” Amanda spit back.

“Amanda!!” her mother yelled. “Have respect!”

“Who are you angry at, Amanda? Justin or yourself?” Lynn asked.

“Excuse me?” Amanda questioned, eyeing the woman she’d known all her life. And with that, she knew that her son didn’t keep anything from her and her Aunt Lynn knew exactly why she was there, hurt and confused.

“Have a seat, Amanda,” her mother pointed to one of the sofas. “Tell me what’s going on.”

“I,” Amanda started to say a few seconds later as she sat on the sofa, legs up to her chin. “I just need to sleep.”

“Okay but not before you tell Lynn where Justin is. Is he okay?” her mother questioned.

“Justin will be fine,” Lynn said with a sad smile. “I guarantee you he’s in the same emotional state that she is, right now. I’m going to go call him. Try to get some sleep, pumpkin,” Lynn said kissing the top of Amanda’s head before leaving the room. “Good night.”

“Night Lynn’,” her mother said softly before turning to her daughter, who’d begun silently crying once again. “Come on, baby. Let’s get you to bed.”
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Next morning

She didn’t know when she’d fallen asleep or when her tears had subsided in order to do so but she managed to sleep for a while. The headache that she’d had the night prior continued to pound violently and she doubted that would subside. Ever.

She opened her eyes to find that she was alone on the bed she’d shared with her mother. She’d found her mother’s arms as comforting as they’d felt when she was a child and she believed it was what helped her through the night.

Getting out of bed, she walked to the bathroom where she washed her face and brushed her teeth. Looking in the mirror in front of her she stared at her reflection for a while. The reflection staring back at her made her cringe and turn away. Mentally calming herself and trying as hard as she could to get the tears from brewing once again, she went out to the kitchenette of the suite, where she could hear her mother and Lynn speaking in hushed tone.

“Hey, sweetheart,” Lynn said as she approached them. “Did you sleep okay?”

“I ordered some breakfast for us, it should be here any minute,” her mother said turning around to face her.

“I’m not hungry, Ma,” Amanda said as she leaned against the frame of the room. “Can I borrow something to wear?”

“You can get whatever you need from my bags too,” Lynn said with a sweet smile.

“No, thank you. I don’t need anything from you,” Amanda snapped.

“Seriously, Amanda!! I raised you better than that!! Now apologize!!” her mother bit back.

“How about I just leave you two alone? I’m sure you would like to speak to your mother alone.” Lynn said with a sad sigh, as she left the room.

“Now, what is wrong with you? Last night, I understand that you were emotional but there is no need to speak to Lynn that way because of something Justin might have done,” her mother said in a serious manner.

“Why are you yelling at me?” Amanda asked as the tears she was trying to prevent flowed down her cheeks. “I didn’t do anything.”

“Why are you crying like this, Amanda? I’ve never seen you like this. Ever. I can’t help if you don’t talk to me, baby.” Her mother said embracing her. “Tell me.”

“I can’t,” Amanda said between sobs.

“Yes you can, Amanda,” her mother said as she led her to the sofa. “What could Justin have possibly done to get you this upset? And don’t say it’s not about Justin because it always is, Amanda.”

“What?” Amanda asked shocked, looking at her mother through her blurry vision.

“You don’t get worked up over just anyone. It’s either Justin or Trace. I know it’s not about Trace because I spoke to him this morning and he’s in Los Angeles with his girlfriend. So tell me, what happened with Justin?”

“He…..he…..,” Amanda started to say before her tears enabled her from speaking.

“He what, baby?”

“I’m…. so..ang…ryyy, ma.” Amanda said wiping furiously at her tears. “I don’t know how to handle it.”

“I’m sure you guys can work it out, Amanda. You and Justin have been friends forever. You’ve been through a lot together. You can fix whatever the problem is.”

“Not this time, ma. This time is different, this can’t be fixed.”

“Are you telling me you’re giving up the friendship you and Justin have? Over something as beautiful as love?” her mother said.

“WHAT?!” Amanda said jerking back in surprise. “What are you talking about?”

“You know what I’m talking about, baby. Why are you having such a hard time with this? Don’t you love him?”

“What?” Amanda asked again, standing to pace the floor. “Do I love him? Jesus, you’re on his side. AREN’T YOU?!! I can’t fucking believe this!!”

“Do not think that because you are twenty-four years old, that you can speak to me any way you’d like, Amanda. I am your mother and I will not be spoken to that way,” her mother snapped. “Now sit the down!!”

“You knew about this? You knew about this and you lied to me. How could you, ma?” Amanda asked angrily at her mother, as she paced back and forth, ignoring her mother’s request.

“Do not point fingers, Amanda. I spoke to Lynn this morning and she filled me in on what I already knew in my heart was bound to happen,” her mother said from where she sat on the sofa. “Now I ask you again, why are you so upset?”

“Why am I upset? Jesus!! Can’t you see that he’s ruined us?” Amanda said as the thought of it made her tears reappear. “Am I the only one who thinks this is wrong?”

“Why is it wrong, Amanda? You have known him all your life. What’s so hard about loving him back?”

“Mom!! Are you listening to yourself? This is bad!!” Amanda yelled.

“Stop yelling, first of all,” her mother said. “Second of all, I think you’re over reacting. It’s Justin. Your best friend told you he loved you. Is that reason to be upset?”

“Jeremy told me he loved me too, mother!!”

“Jeremy was different, Amanda.”

“How was Jeremy different? I’ve known him all my life too. How is he different?” Amanda asked, finally sitting on the couch across from her mother. The whole conversation was oddly making her angry enough for her tears to subside.

“Ask yourself one question, Amanda? How much have you hurt for Jeremy in your life these past few months? When you answer that question ask yourself another question. How much are you hurting for Justin right now?”

“I don’t care how you try to sugar coat it, mother. This isn’t right,” Amanda said angrily standing to walk into the bedroom. “I’m going back to L.A!!” she said slamming the door loudly. She pressed her back to the door and slowly slid down the length of it, before falling to her knees. The tears began and she once again couldn’t stop them from flowing.

“I can’t do this.”

Los Angeles
5:04pm

Justin paced his living room floor as he waited for his friend to arrive. He was a complete disarray of a man and the longer he went without being able to reach Amanda, the more he blamed his friend.

His front door opened a few paces later making him rush over to the foyer.  Instead of finding Trace walking through the door, he found Amanda entering the house. Dark shades over her eyes, her hair an un-like Amanda fashion, a tight bun on the back of her head. She didn’t notice Justin standing on the other end of the foyer until she turned to face the stairs. Even through the dark shades, Justin noticed the scowl that took over her face easily.

“Where have you been? I’ve been calling your cell phone,” Justin said calmly, trying to yell at her for making him worry.

“Do yourself a favor and don’t speak to me. I’m just here to pick up some of my stuff, I’ll be out of your house in half an hour,” Amanda said rushing up the stairs without another word.

“Where are you going?” Justin asked as he followed her to her room, standing just outside the door as she tore through her walk-in closet. “You don’t have to leave, Jo.”

“I think I heard myself say that I didn’t want to speak to you. Leave me alone, Justin.” she warned as clothing articles were thrown into her two duffel bags.

“Can you just talk to me?” Justin asked from where he leaned against the door frame.

“And tell you what, Justin? You want me to tell you what a mistake you’ve made? Do you want me to remind you what you’ve managed to destroy? I’m not in the fucking mood!! So leave me the fuck alone!!” Amanda yelled before slamming the door so hard, Justin was caught off guard, catching his middle finger on the door jam.

“Fuck!!” Justin yelped in pain as he held his left arm. Looking down at his finger, he noticed the swelling immediately, cursing inwardly at the realization that his finger was broken. “What the fuck is your problem?!!” he yelled as he kicked the door in anger.

“Whoa!!” Trace was yelling as he walked up the stairs to see Justin banging on the door. “What the hell is going on?”

“Where the hell have you been? I’ve been trying to fucking call you since I got back!!” Justin yelled holding his arm as he brushed past him and down the stairs.

“Who the fuck are you yelling at, you dick?!” Trace yelled back as he followed Justin down the stairs to the kitchen. “What did you do to your arm?”

“YOU BROKE IT, ASSHOLE!! THAT’S WHAT HAPPENED!!” Justin yelled as he grabbed his keys off the kitchen counter.

“HOW THE FUCK DID I BREAK YOUR ARM?!! I JUST FUCKING GOT HERE AND YOU’RE FUCKING KICKING DOORS AND ACTING LIKE A REAL FUCKING PRICK!!!” Trace yelled. “What the hell is going on?!!”

“Go ask you cousin what’s going on, Trace!!” Justin snapped as he left out the front door, slamming it behind him.

“Manda!!” Trace yelled as he walked up the stairs. Reaching the door to her room, he banged on it for a few seconds before the door flew open. “What the fuck is going on? What are you doing?” he asked looking down at the two bags she had in her hands on either side of her.

“What does it look like I’m doing, Trace?” Amanda asked, her dark shades covering her bloodshot eyes.

“To me it looks like, you look like shit, Justin’s arm is broken and both of you are being assholes. That’s what it looks like.” Trace said. “But that’s just me. Now do you want to tell me what the hell is going on? And why does it seem like I will have to fix whatever this bullshit is?”

“Don’t fucking flatter yourself!” Amanda snapped, walking past him toward the stairs.

“I am not Justin, Manda!!” Trace yelled from the top of the stairs as he watched her descend.

“And what the fuck is that supposed to mean?” Amanda asked from the bottom of the stairs.

“It means I will not let you say whatever you want to say and keep what I have to say to myself. He can do that shit for the rest of his fucking life, but you will hear what I have to say.” Trace said meeting her head on at the bottom of the stairs, before grabbing her arm and dragging her kicking and cursing at him toward the living room.

“Get your hands off me, Trace!!” Amanda yelled. “I am not five, you can’t drag me around like this!!”

“You’re acting like a spoiled five year old, so I will treat you like one. Now sit the fuck down and tell me what the fuck happened!!” Trace said pushing her toward the sofa roughly.

“You’re an asshole!!” Amanda said yanking her shades off her face and launching them at his face. Luckily Trace saw them coming and ducked before the black shades hit him.

“Don’t get physical, Manda!! I’m your cousin and by blood I can and will fight you. Don’t fuck with me.”

“Oh that’s right!! You’re my cousin, who lied to me. Who preferred being Justin’s bitch, over being honest with his cousin? My cousin who’s a fucking loser for following another man around like a fucking puppy. My poor pathetic cousin. Is that who the fuck you’re talking about? HUH?” Amanda said standing defiantly in front of him.

“Don’t be a bitch, Manda!!” Trace snapped back. “What’s your problem?”

“Are you even listening to a word I’m saying?” Amanda chuckled bitterly. “I guess since I’m not Justin, you can’t hear me. Because his word is the fucking bible to you, isn’t it?”

“You’re really pissing me off, Manda. You’re acting really mature right now and I’m not so sure I can refrain myself from saying shit that will be just as immature. So why don’t you sit down and RELAX!!” Trace said pushing her shoulders back, causing her to fall back on the sofa once again.

“I AM RELAXED!!”

“Really? Could have fooled me.” Trace said taking a seat across from her. “Now drop all the bullshit and tell me exactly what happened.”

“Why are you asking me? Shouldn’t you be asking your precious best friend? Oh wait! Why ask? You already knew what he was going to do, didn’t you?”

“So Justin finally grew some balls?” Trace said not expecting an answer.  “What I am asking you is why you’re acting this way. And I AM asking my best friend, even though you’re being a spoiled bitch right now.”

“Fuck you, Trace!! You knew!! You knew and you have kept it to yourself!! You lied to me, he lied to me, my bastard father lied to me, Jeremy lied to me, and my whole fucking life has been a god damn lie!!” Amanda couldn’t stop her eyes from watering as she spoke.

“I’ve never lied to you, Manda!! Stop being so damn fucking dramatic!! The only person that has done any lying is you!! To your fucking self!! You’ve been managing that all by yourself. That fucking prick you wasted your life away, lied to you. Justin and I haven’t lied to you. Ever!! You’ve lied to yourself all along.”

“I don’t…”

“I’m not done talking,” Trace interrupted her. “You’re acting as if it’s the biggest shock you’ve ever received. You can’t tell me that you didn’t know. You can’t sit there and act as if hearing Justin tell you that he loves you, is a shock. Stop fooling yourself, Manda. You know he loves you and you’ve always known he loved you. Grow the fuck up and admit to yourself that you have always loved him back!!”

“Jesus Christ, what has he done to you people? First mom and now you. He’s really brainwashed you! But I guess I shouldn’t have expected less from him. He’s a fucking God in your eyes and everyone else’s!!” Amanda laughed bitterly before grabbing the shades from the floor and leaving the room.

“GROW UP MANDA!! JUSTIN AND I CAN’T DO IT FOR YOU. NOT THIS TIME!!” Trace yelled as she slammed the door behind her.