Yes, I know. The drama!!

In the dictionary, right next to the word overdramatic should be a big fat picture of Amanda Reyes. The definition of the word took another meaning all together when I took it upon myself to reenact it. Don’t you think?

When I think about what an asshole I was, I feel really bad. What was up with my attitude with Lynn (Justin’s mom)? You’d think that I would have more respect than that, but then I wasn’t myself at the time either.

At the time, I couldn’t understand why I couldn’t stop crying. Why I was so angry and why I was so sad at the same time. I just thought that if I placed myself in a completely different realm of whom I was that I’d be safe. I’d be safe from the feelings that were bottled up inside of me. If I had stopped to think about what Justin was telling me instead of flipping out like a lunatic, things would have been different. (No shit!) Then I wouldn’t be here telling you any of this, and that’s just not fun.

My heart was telling me that I needed to fess up and deal with my own feelings toward him. My head was telling me ‘Oh hell, no. Run!’ And I think that was mostly because I had lived all my life pushing aside how I felt. Trying to cover it up with Jeremy’s presence in my life. Now don’t get me wrong, I loved Jeremy. Don’t get crazy on me hear me out.

I loved Jeremy in a way that I guess now, makes sense. In my screwed up mind, my love for the two were reversed. Do you understand me?

I think my relationship with Jeremy was based on my need to disregard my heart. I realize that situation is messed up, but it’s the truth. He might have cheated on me, which is fucked up, but I think I cheated him the worst. Does it mean I forgive him for sleeping with that tramp? Hell, no. However, I am woman enough, now, to admit that I was in the wrong.

And while in my head, I was convinced that I loved Jeremy more than I did Justin, my heart had always remained the same.

Please believe that I am not a violent person and it was his own fault that he broke his damn finger. He was the one that didn’t move his hand from the doorframe. All he had to do was listen to me, I told him to leave me alone but he doesn’t listen. You know how he is. So, don’t be blaming that on me.

Didn’t I tell you that we weren’t going to be so nice to each other these last couple of tracks? I warned you.

Should I apologize for the way I spoke to Justin or Trace? How about you hold your breath on that. Nah, I’m kidding. I’m running on a sugar high right now excuse me.

Anyway, yeah I know I was mean but they were mean too. Justin not so much, well not then but Trace was an asshole. Telling me all the shit I didn’t want to hear. I mean he was right but damn he didn’t have to be a dick about it. Pushing me around and stuff, the bastard. I should go downstairs now and whoop his ass. (I really shouldn’t have eaten those two snicker bars.) I guess I can’t really blame him though. I was being a bitch.

I know I haven’t shared much about my mother with you guys and that has been intentional. I love my family just as much as you love yours. My life is so crazy (good crazy) and so public that whatever I can keep to myself, I will. And that something is my family. My mother has always been there for me and for that I am grateful and I love her for it, and I feel that my family is mine to keep. Ya know? I’m already sharing part of my life, my cousin and my man with you. Don’t you think I’m entitled to keep my family out of the spotlight?

Justin says that he’s always loved me and that he can’t remember when it was exactly when he started loving me. He just says he always has, that he still remembers us in diapers and that even then, he thinks he loved me. With me though, I remember when I started loving him. It was when we were five and he gave me a kiss on the cheek and took my heart.  (He also took a hit on his arm, for touching me) Hence the song, Homeboy in my album (that’s a shameless plug). Even at such a young age, I just knew. However, me knowing that I loved him, that he was my real everything, didn’t mean it was what I went after.

You have to understand that Justin has been in my life for everything. I mean we were born on the same day, for god sakes. I can’t remember a time where I didn’t have Justin in my life. It’s like that little mole you have on your thigh. You don’t know how it got there and where it came from but it’s always been there and you can’t remember not having it. (It’s just an analogy; don’t go searching for that mole on your thigh.) So, when suddenly Justin is being snatched away from me (by him, which is the kicker), I’m feeling like my life is destroyed.

When he told me he loved me, my life flipped upside down. It was as if suddenly I was missing half of my life. I didn’t know Justin ‘that’ way. I had chosen not to ‘want’ to know him ‘that’ way. I didn’t expect him to ‘want’ me ‘that’ way, ya know? I was thinking I would marry Jeremy and live happily ever after. Just the three of us. Because shit, after Justin and Britney broke up I just didn’t think Justin would get serious about anyone. Yeah, I realize that was selfish of me but understand that I didn’t realize all this crap in my head until later on.

Speaking of Britney, I’m supposed to meet her for dinner sometime next week. I haven’t mentioned her much lately but she’s part of my life, still. I don’t think I can really make myself dislike her, with her being Justin’s ex and all. She’s moved on and I am happy that she is happy. Justin is happy that she is happy. We are just a bunch of happy people. (Really, don’t mind me. The snicker bars are still doing their thing.)

Anyway, I have to go help my mom make dinner for these fools. Apparently Trace spread the rumor that my mother and I were making some home-cooked Puertoriquen food and I’ve had Kelly (Joey’s wife), Jc, Jc’s brother, Ty (who is in town) and Chris call to verify that it was the truth. It’s only a matter of time before Lance shows his face around here. Justin’s going to be pissed; he wanted to spend a quite night at home.

So, you know what that means. My house has a revolving door, I swear to you.  Oops, did I say my house, I meant Justin’s. *wink wink*

Talk to you later.

Adios.
 

Keepin’ On, what  exactly? (Remix #2)

All I wanted to do tonight was chill. And what do I come home to? I come home to Tyler, Chris and Jc, hanging out in the kitchen with my girl and my mother-in-law, oh I mean Jo’s mom. I mean I’m not complaining about how banging it smells in the kitchen right now, but I wanted a night alone with Jo. Is that so much to ask?

Anyway, it’s been two days since I last talked to you. I understand that you can’t tell the difference but I like to let you know how much I’ve missed chatting with ya. I’ve been going to the studio a few times a week, just trying different things that pop in my head in the middle of the night. I think you are going to like some of the stuff I’ve managed to put together. I’m starting early on an album that has yet been put on paper officially, cause I’m not going to get a chance to do so in the next three months. Why, you ask? Well I can’t tell you that.

What I can talk about is the fact that Jo broke my finger. Can you believe that? That was so wrong! I mean it wasn’t like completely broken, just fractured, but still. She slammed that door like there was no tomorrow. And all I did was tell her that I loved her. (Would you hurt me if I said I loved you?) I didn’t think it was a fucking crime to tell someone you loved them. I didn’t think I needed punishment. Damn! In case you haven’t noticed, I’m a bit irritated. All these people in my house, I want my Jo to myself. You know what, Trace is right; I’m such a fucking sap over her. I can’t help it I love her. Do you understand? Like I love her, love her. You know the kind where you’d kill for that person you love the most in your life. That way.

Anyway what are we talking about today? Ahh, the episode of a broken finger? Yeah. Wasn’t that just great? Insert sarcasm here.

Right next to the picture of Jojo, in the dictionary, should also be a page-wide beware sign. Was she trippin or what? I mean seriously it was like that movie, The Ring. That little girl looked normal and then she went crazy, killing people and stuff. I mean Amanda (I’m still annoyed with the full house thing, so Amanda it is.) didn’t kill anyone or anything but that’s who she reminded me of. She was so angry with me; I could see it in her eyes. I still don’t understand why. I mean she felt the same way about me and for her to show it that way, breaking fingers and stuff, was a little crazy. Don’t you think?

I remember when my mom called me that night, when Amanda had shown up at their hotel room, like it was yesterday. The only reason I was halfway calm when Amanda came through my front door was because my mother had been consoling me all night. (Yeah, I know I’m a momma’s boy.) I remember that as soon as I picked up my cell, phone when she called, the first thing she said was that Amanda loved me back. I don’t know how she knew, call it a mother’s intuition and all that feminine bullshit, but she knew. She told me that Amanda was a wreck and that it could only mean that she felt the same way. That Amanda couldn’t have been that torn if she didn’t love me back.

I believed her. I mean she’s my mother and she has never steered me wrong, ya know? So I believed her right up until I felt the pain of my finger being ‘fractured’. Up until that moment I just thought I’d just sit Amanda down and talk to her. Tell her that I didn’t mean to upset her and that nothing would change between us. I really was willing to sacrifice my feelings toward her in order to have her not be mad at me. But that lasted all of three seconds because in all honesty I was fucking offended. I mean shit, I know it can’t be all that wrong to have me love you. Is it?

I’m not trying to sound conceited or anything when I say this but I mean I’m not ugly. I’m not the worst possible face to look at. So to say the least I was a little offended, a bit discouraged and a lot pissed. Who did she think she was? Of course that was my pride talking there. The one with the fractured finger, but still. What the fuck?

And on top of my insecure physicality stuff, I was her best friend. You’d think that as my best friend she’d at least find me attractive. But noooo, she flipped the fuck out instead. The situation didn’t help my ego to say the least.

I have to agree that Amanda and Jeremy’s relationship (Insert Justin barfing here.) was my cover up for my feelings as well. I was so involved with keeping my feelings below the surface that I even made myself believe I wanted the same type of relationship with someone else. Hence the girl I met at the Mickey Mouse Club. And I told you before that I truly did love Britney. I really did but it still didn’t make the love I had and have for Amanda disappear. And believe me I loved Britney Spears, a lot. So try and imagine how much I love Amanda Reyes. You can’t. I’m telling you, I like you and all but there’s no possible way that you can ever, ever, ever know how much I love this woman. (In case you are wondering, that was my way of giving her a guilt trip for having all these people in my house when she knew I wanted it to be just the two of us.)

Ohh don’t hold your breath on an apology for being a dick with Trace, either. I mean I’ve always learned not to regret anything in my life because if you regret things, they weren’t worth doing in the first place. You now what I mean? Yeah I regret being a dick to him and I apologized to him later on, but I was pissed. I had a broken finger, a broken friendship and a broken heart. I had the right to be an asshole. Besides, they share the same blood. I had to be a dick to someone. He was there!!

Anyway my attitude with him made him talk to Amanda the way he did which in turn helped all of us out. So do I regret it completely? Hell no. And I don’t think any of us regrets anything completely; except for some words we called each other. I think it made us stronger. And that is nothing to go and regret, ya know. If it doesn’t kill you it’ll make you stronger.

Unfortunately it’s time for me to go downstairs and be an ass to all these people in the house. On the fortunate side I get to have arroz amarillo, habichuelas and pernil. That’s yellow rice, beans and pork if you’re wondering. I really should be eating any of this fattening stuff but damn if it’s not the best damn food in the world. Especially the way Rosie makes the pork. Damn my mouth is watering. Gotta go.

Ohh and by the way, I pronounced every word correctly.

Don’t hate da playa, hate da game

This is the ‘ain’t getting any tonight’ orgasm donor signing out.
 

Don’t keep on doing shit! (Remix # 3)

Hey there. How are you doing today? Good? Good.

So I just finished stuffing my face with my favorite kind of food. You know the kind, the kind that I didn’t have to make for myself. Manda and Aunt Rosie are the best cooks in the world, next to my mother of course. (Don’t tell them that shit either.)

So what are we talking about today? Oh, you want to talk about my putting my hands on my cousin? Well what exactly do you want to know? She was being a bitch and besides I didn’t really hit her, I pushed her. And I pushed her into the couch, a soft surface. It’s not like I dragged her by the hair down the street. She was pissing me off and I do believe as her cousin I could set her straight.

Manda is like a loose cannon when she’s annoyed and pissed about something. In order to get her attention you must TAKE it, ya know? Because she’s not going to voluntarily give it to you. So when she’s in my face about something I just GET her attention. At that time my way was to push her around, like she says. She got over it so maybe you should too.

Are you feeling me when I tell you that being caught between these two is a complete bitch? I mean, what the fuck did I do? I just walked into the house to find Justin hold his arm and being an asshole. I don’t function that way. If you’re pissed at me then I have the right to know what I did so that I can defend myself.  And Justin couldn’t come up with anything besides the fact that Manda was my cousin. That was bullshit!

So there I am right smack in the middle of what I didn’t want to deal with. I guess in a way it was kind of my fault, but don’t tell Justin that shit. I mean I basically gave him an ultimatum and I shouldn’t have cause he doesn’t deal well with that kind of shit. But give me a break I was having a bad day and he was in the studio talking out his ass, about Jojo this and Jojo that. It was pretty annoying, and come to think of it, it still is fucking annoying.

I don’t want to talk about this shit anymore. I had a big enough headache when it was happening. There isn’t a need to bring that shit back and I just had a fucking great meal. Why ruin it?

To Justin’s defense and basically for my defense. I don’t have friends who are punks. Justin is a proclaimed momma’s boy, we all know that. But don’t be thinking that he’s a pussy. He’s not, cause he wouldn’t have me as a best friend if he were. I don’t fuck with pussies unless it’s between a bitch’s legs.

I’m out of here.

And Justin please stop calling yourself 'the orgasm donor' cause its fucking whack!!

Peace out.

Oh by the way, cross your fingers for me. I’m trying to go to Vegas for the weekend with C and Tyler without someone finding out.

When did my life start to suck? I hate the fact that I love this chick.

Yeah, yeah. I said it. I love Elisha.

Fuck off!!

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*Thanks to Danielle at nsyncfiction.com for The Ring idea.