I open the door to my… well, our apartment, and roll my eyes.

Why I ever moved in with these two fucks is beyond me. I mean, I did need a place to stay after I got evicted, (I still contend that the shower curtain spontaneously combusted. I didn’t set the damn fire.) but of all the places in the world, I had to move in with Justin and Ellie.

The rent free part doesn’t hurt, but they’re just so… irritating. And not in that, ‘aw, what a wonderful fucking couple’ kinda way.

Those assholes can argue.

In the middle of the night, dead silence, they’ll start screaming about the dumbest shit. He’s breathing on her, she’s hogging the covers. You get the picture.

So yeah, that’s what I currently have to live with.

I’m really not bitter though. Ellie’s cool, Justin’s happy and his bat shit crazy family isn’t constantly on his ass. It all worked out ok, I suppose.

But, and you can call me a selfish little bastard for this… what about me?

I mean, did it ever occur to anybody that I’m tired of being the fucking wing man, or the really funny sidekick?

Cause guess what… I am.

You couldn’t pay me to admit that shit publicly, and if you tell anybody I said it… I’ll deny it til the day I die, but it’s the truth.

But, I’m pretty sure I figured out a way to fix it.

“I’m home.” I call out and toss my keys on the table by the door.

“We’re in here.” Ellie’s voice floats down the hallway, from the living room.

I follow the sound and quickly find her and Justin stretched out on the couch, watching some crap ass cop show. They’re obsessed with that shit, I swear.

“Hey man… did you…. Holy fucking Christ.” His eyes bug out as he turns to look at me and within a split second, two sets of very angry, shocked eyes are resting on me.

Or, the girl next to me. I’m not really sure which.

“Trace…” Ellie begins, slowly rising to her feet. What the fuck did you do?”

I glance at the blonde next to me and shrug.

Maybe I should have taken the gag off, or at least untied her hands before I brought her in the apartment. We’ll chalk it up to a rookie mistake.

“What? It seemed to work out alright for you guys.”