17: Just Gonna Stand There And Watch Me Burn
Perhaps it was because she loved him too much. Or maybe it was because she’d already had the ominous feeling in the pit of her stomach before she got confirmation, but when Justin told Scarlett that he’d cheated, she wasn’t angry. Anger, it seemed to her, would’ve been present if his admission had sent some kind of shock coursing through her veins. But instead, he just substantiated her fears. And in that regard, all it did was hurt. As if to pour salt on an open gash or to love someone that didn’t love you back. It hurt like hell.
Even worse, she couldn’t bring herself to leave him. At least, not yet. She hadn’t ruled out the possibility, nor did she want to make it her go-to option, but she knew she had a lot of thinking to do. A lot of thinking, a lot of evaluating, and a lot of crying.
They took separate flights home from Paris that day. Not wanting to be in the same house with him for a while, she went to New York while he headed back to Los Angeles, confused and contrite. They didn’t speak for days. In fact, for a week, Scarlett didn’t speak to anyone save for whoever answered the phone when she got hungry enough to order take-out.
In fact, if she hadn’t received a few dozen texts congratulating her on the Tony nomination she was unaware she had received, she probably would have become a hermit. But that put a little light at the end of her tunnel, and pushed her to begin her search for clarity.
“Hello?”
Scarlett clutched her cell nervously when Zooey finally answered the phone, unsure of how to ask a relative stranger for the utmost advice. “Hey,” she attempted to reply with lightness to her tone, but failed miserably. “Are you busy?”
Zooey was terrified as to why Scarlett would be calling. And having not spoken to Justin in over a week, she feared that this was The Call she’d had nightmares about. “Umm. Not terribly busy, but I am on set, so…”
“Oh, well. I can… I mean I’ll let you go.”
“Is everything all right?”
She shook her head, resisting the urge to start bawling, but found the capacity to croak out, “Are you on the set of the movie?”
“Uh huh.”
“Is Justin there?”
“He’s not,” Zooey could only assume, having not seen him there in a couple of weeks. “I’m pretty sure he’s done, our last day to shoot is day after tomorrow and I don’t think his character is in any of those scenes.”
“I see.”
“Are you looking for him? Is he all right?” she had to wonder.
“No, I’m not looking for him,” she made sure to assert. Last thing she wanted was him trying to get in touch with her. “I just wanted to make sure he wasn’t around.”
“Oh. Okay.”
“If you’re busy, I don’t have to have this conversation…”
From the sound of her voice, Zooey could tell she was in some brand of pain, and she didn’t want to make her work whatever it was out on her own. “It sounds like you do need to.”
“He slept with someone,” she blurted out, feeling as though she’d just stabbed herself in the process.
Zooey felt her stomach drop to her feet. “Oh...”
“Yeah.”
“Are you all right?”
“I’m… I don’t know what I am,” she sighed. “I’m lost.”
“I don’t know what to say.” Zooey began to cry silently. Not just for Scarlett and her pain, but because it was then and there that she knew, for certain, that she was a terrible person.
“I don’t either. I don’t know what to say to him… what to say to anyone.”
“Did he… I mean, what did he say?”
“Short of confirming it, he said nothing. We said nothing.”
“That… sucks.”
“I feel so helpless and… just… dead,” she sniffled, wishing she could erase the moment she asked him. “And I knew. I knew he was acting weird for a reason, but I tried to ignore it.”
“The worst thing to do is ignore your problems,” Zooey knew from experience with her mother. “It sounds like an easier option, but it just festers, it doesn’t go away. True endurance doesn’t begin until the moment you find carrying on to be completely unfathomable.”
“It’s unfathomable to me right now.”
“And this is where you have to rise to the occasion. This is where you have to stand inside yourself and ask, truly, ‘How am I gonna get through this?’”
“I… I don’t think I can,” she supplied in defeat. “I wasn’t ready for this.”
“No one’s ever ready to be devastated. But…” She sighed heavily, so sad for what she was putting this woman through. “I don’t know. I guess… this is adulthood. Real problems, real consequences. You wake from the nightmare and realize there’s no bigger bed to climb into.”
“You wake from the nightmare and realize that it’s not a nightmare. It’s… real.”
“I’m so sorry,” Zooey told her earnestly, though Scarlett wouldn’t know what the apology was actually for.
“It’s not your fault.”
“I’m sorry that it sucks. That this has hurt you.”
She nodded to the quiet room in acknowledgement. “I appreciate that.”
“Do you… know… Like, have you decided whether you’re going to stay?”
“With him? I have no idea. I really can’t imagine my life without him, but…”
“Listen,” Zooey offered, “if you think that this is something you might want, you have to fight for it. Be willing to… to go down in flames for it. Because in the end, you’ll be much happier knowing you did everything you could.” This advice stemmed straight from her parents’ marital woes. And even though it took time, even though her dad scratched and clawed for her mother’s heart and she still left, Zooey knew that her father was the one that ended up all right. And she wanted that for Scarlett.
“I don’t know that that will work…”
“It will.”
“You can’t fight with someone if they’re not even willing to get in the ring with you.”
“I’m sure he will. If you want him. Even if you have to drag him in.”
Scarlett went silent, trying to think of what she wanted at the end of the day. Inherently, she knew that Justin wasn’t a bad guy. She was sure that he hadn’t set out to maliciously hurt her. And the fact that she’d been gone for the better part of five months probably didn’t help the situation. Not to make excuses for him, but it wasn’t an incomprehensible act. Just a selfish one. Maybe she could get past this.
“Hey, Scarlett, I hate to vamp on you, but they’re calling me back to the set, so… I have to run.”
“Oh. Okay, yeah,” she nodded, being shaken from her thoughts. “That’s fine. Thank you, Zooey.”
“I hope I helped.”
“Tremendously,” she assured, almost willing to smile. “I can’t tell you how much.”
“It’ll be all right,” she offered, coming to the realization that this was the beginning of her end. “I say, if you love something, set it in a small cage and pester and smother it with love until it either loves you back or dies.”
Before Scarlett knew it, she had laughed. “You’re funny.”
“That’s why they pay me the big bucks.”
“Thank you, again.”
“I hope everything works out.” And Zooey meant that.
____________________
A few days later and Scarlett was back in Los Angeles. Her main reason for going was because of the Iron Man 2 premiere, which she had been obligated to attend. But instead of staying in a hotel and sneaking back to New York in the middle of the night, she made the conscious decision to go back home.
She still hadn’t decided what to do with Justin or whether she would stick it out, but she knew that ignoring him wouldn’t help anyone. She figured that maybe if she could coexist with him for a while, she could consider forgiveness and fighting for her marriage.
“I appreciate you coming with me to this party,” Justin told his wife as they pulled up to the Cat & Fiddle Pub. It was the wrap party for his latest film, Bad Teacher, and the paparazzi had gathered on Sunset, apparently itching to see if the newlyweds would finally show up in public together since neither of them were currently working.
This was more a test than anything, but she knew she would have to be cordial, so before getting out of the car, she gave him a fake smile and told him, “You’re welcome.”
I remember when you filled my heart with joy
Was I blind to the truth?
He came around to her side and took her hand into his as the photographers began to snap pictures of them. They ignored them, as usual, but as they went inside, he did kiss the palm of her hand, and for once, Scarlett wasn’t sure whether that was genuine affection or a photo op.
Just there to fill the space
Inside, the party was well under way, with food and drink being passed amongst the patrons, while most of the cast was already congregated outside on the warm patio.
“Justin, come on outside, buddy.” It was one of the writers, Lee Eisenberg, who’d spotted Justin’s arrival as he came out from the bathroom. He grabbed Justin by the arm, already pulling him outside. “Everyone’s here.”
“I’m the last to arrive?” he wondered, taking Scarlett with him.
“You are, superstar. Even Cameron’s here.”
From the beginning, Scarlett greatly suspected that Cameron Diaz was ‘the other woman’ in question, and she really, really didn’t want to have to go out there and be courteous to the woman that had most likely had sex with her husband.
I’ve allowed you to make me feel…
I feel so dumb
What kind of fool am I?
“Justin, can we stay inside?” she requested, halting all three of them.
“You all right?” he turned back to her.
“I just… don’t wanna go outside.”
“Scarlett, it’s not too hot anymore,” Lee promised, assuming that that would be the only possible problem. “There’s a nice breeze, everyone’s got their drinks…”
“I’d really rather stay here,” she maintained, trying to smile at him.
Justin nodded to her reassuringly. He was in a perpetual dog house, so he would have done anything she wanted at that point. “We can stay in. You wanna get a table?”
Just then, Zooey was coming through the door, completely unaware that Justin and Scarlett had arrived. She hadn’t talked to Justin in over a week, and when she spoke with Scarlett three days prior, she seemed to have no interest in being near Justin, so she was quite surprised to see the two of them standing there. Together.
“Zooey,” Lee called out to her, blowing her cover of pretending not to notice them. “Look who made it!”
“Look who made it!” she grinned, approaching the three of them hesitantly. “Hi!”
Justin was visibly shaken by her presence, but he knocked it away quickly, placing his hand on Scarlett’s back to introduce her. “Hey. I want you to meet my wife, Scarlett. Scarlett, this is Zooey. She was one of the supervising producers on our film.”
“We’ve talked a few times,” Zooey reminded him, offering her outstretched hand to the woman she knew she had hurt so deeply. “Good to finally meet you.”
Scarlett only stared at her for a moment, in disbelief that this was the wonderfully helpful Zooey that she only knew from the phone. She was shocked as shit to find that the woman she’d been talking to was quite attractive. In her experience, most of the female writers she met were… frumpy. All the time they’d been talking, she imagined Zooey as a less attractive version of Tina Fey on 30 Rock. Clearly, it was her small-minded mistake to assume that Zooey would be all brains, no beauty.
“Wow, hi,” Scarlett finally blinked, returning the handshake. “It’s good to meet you, too.”
“Scarlett doesn’t wanna come outside with us,” Lee inserted into their exchange, still trying to goad the couple onto the patio. “She wants to be alone with her man, apparently.”
That wasn’t it at all. “I’ll come out,” she agreed, glancing at Zooey. She felt as though she was her only ally at the moment.
“Yeah?”
“Why not.”
Justin sighed lightly, trying to avoid Zooey’s gaze as he rubbed his wife’s hand with his thumb. “You sure?”
“Yeah, sure. I might as well meet the whole gang.”
“Okay, well I’m refilling on drinks,” Zooey proclaimed, wanting to get away from the whole encounter. “Scarlett, you want anything?”
“I’ll take a beer,” she nodded at her new friend. “Heineken’s good.”
“Right. Lee?”
“I’ve got a drink outside, I believe.”
“Justin? Cuba Libre?”
“Umm. Yeah,” he answered with raised eyebrows. He managed to miss the look that Scarlett gave the two of them, and commenced guiding her towards the back patio. “We’ll be outside.”
You made a fool of me, tell me why
____________________
Once she got inside the party, and had the chance to down a few beers, Scarlett loosened up a bit. She didn’t have to stop herself from scowling at everyone, it seemed to just fade away on its own. And while Justin’s costars were very outgoing and engaging, she found herself more interested in observing him with them. She felt like she didn’t really know him the way she thought, and maybe studying him would help.
He noticed her quietness, but didn’t make a big deal out of it, considering everything that was going on. Instead, he picked up the slack and made sure to be extra sociable for the two of them. He joked and laughed and told stories, as he usually did, and made everyone feel like his close, personal friend.
And Scarlett realized that that was what she loved about him. He made her laugh like no one else, and she never got tired of watching him be “him.” When he was on, he was so infectious. She smiled genuinely at the thought that he belonged to her. Maybe some other woman didn’t really matter.
“I’m gonna head to the restroom,” he told his wife when there was a lull in the conversation. “You need anything?”
“From the restroom? I think I’m good,” she joked for the first time that night.
It felt good to hear that out of her. He smiled sweetly and kissed her forehead. “I’ll be back.”
He went inside, planning to do his business as quickly as possible and get back to everyone, but when he spotted Zooey outside in front, alone, he thought it only fair that he say a word or two after essentially ambushing her with his wife in tow.
“Hey,” he approached cautiously, wondering what her reaction would be.
She was smoking a cigarette and gazing out to Sunset Boulevard when he startled her. “Umm. Hey.”
“You all right?”
“I’m good,” she nodded, blowing smoke away from him. “You?”
“Not bad, I guess,” he shrugged offhandedly. “A little surprised to see Andy here,” he commented, referring to her infamously obnoxious friend who seemed to hate everything Hollywood.
“He insisted on coming.”
“He wanted a gander at the good life, huh.”
“I suppose,” she sighed.
“I’ve missed you.”
“Let’s not do that,” she suggested, doing her best to avoid his sad blue eyes. “Now’s not the time or place.”
“Are you angry at me?”
“Not at all. I just…” she shook her head dolefully. “Your wife is in there.”
I want to kiss you
Does she want you with the pain that I do?
“I know.”
“She told me that you told her about an affair.”
His eyebrows raised in surprise and he almost choked on the air. “She told you.”
“Yeah.”
“I didn’t… I didn’t wanna lie.”
“You owe me no explanations, dude.”
But now when we’re face to face, you won’t look me in the eye
No time, no friendship, no love
“I’m sorry I didn’t warn you or… anything.”
“I’m good,” she promised, looking down to the ground. She wasn’t good. In fact, she was miserable and frustrated, but… it seemed that her time in Hollywood was paying off. She was learning how to hide it. “I’m having a good time.”
“It’s a good party,” he agreed. “I enjoyed your spiel about the Old Navy mannequins and how they followed you to the movies.”
“My improvisational skills,” she half smiled, referring to her entertainment portion of the party. “It was either that or my informational improv, where I list state capitols. People don’t like that one as much.”
He chuckled at the thought. “I can’t imagine why.”
“People are surprising,” she reasoned, glancing back inside to the party she’d been gone from for a while. “I should go back inside.”
He wasn’t ready for her to go yet. “Zooey…”
She finally looked up at him, her green eyes boring into him, waiting for some kind of resolve.
“I…” He had nothing to say that was appropriate in that moment. The whole moment was inappropriate, actually.
Can’t touch you anymore…
Back in the party, Andy found Scarlett sitting by herself, and he couldn’t help but approach the solemn star. “I would never leave you alone in a room full of strangers,” he greeted her without an ounce of hesitation or humility.
She looked up at him, somewhat flattered, somewhat annoyed. “Excuse me?”
“What is wrong with him?”
“I’m sorry?”
“That guy you came in with. He’s an idiot to leave you alone.”
“He went to the restroom,” she innately defended her husband.
“I’m Andy. Zooey’s date.”
She nodded and took a sip of her beer. “I’m Scarlett.”
“You’re alone.”
“Not anymore, apparently.”
“I’m not bothering you, am I?”
“It’s fine.”
“Nice to have some company at the kids table, huh?” he smirked, watching the rest of the cast and crew mingle with one another as if they’d known each other for years.
She glanced at him curiously. “What do you mean?”
“Look at all of them all. It’s like we’re not even here.”
“Well… I don’t know about you, but I’m choosing to sit here.”
“Sure you are. But your guy and my girl are somewhere not in here. And here we are, in a room full of strangers, fending for ourselves.”
Scarlett could only frown at him, somehow offended by what he was implying. “Let’s not talk anymore.”
“You’re in denial,” he realized, rising from his seat. “That’s fine. It was nice to meet you.”
Just then, Zooey and her cigarette reentered the patio, and when her eyes locked with Scarlett, who had been staring at the door, she felt very self-conscious about the conversation she’d just had with Justin. She immediately put out her smoke and tried to put everyone else’s attention on her as well. “You guys, I’m feelin’ generous right now. Drinks on me!”
But that didn’t distract Scarlett at all. The moment she saw Zooey with the cigarette, everything seemed to click into place. While Cameron Diaz seemed like the logical answer to her question at first glance, the more she thought about it, the more obvious it became. There was a reason Zooey knew Justin’s favorite drink. There was a reason Zooey had been at the top of his Recent Calls. And then she thought of the morning that Justin had come home from his birthday party, tasting like an ashtray. Zooey had been the reason. Andy was right “ Justin and Zooey were having an affair.
You made a fool of me, tell me why
Once Scarlett came to this epiphany, she felt sick to her stomach. For what she’d trusted this woman with, for what this woman was knowingly taking away from her, and for how much of a fool her husband had allowed her to be. It took every shred of strength she had not to completely lose her mind right then and there.
You made a fool of me, tell me why
When Justin returned to the evening garden, he quickly noticed the look of anguish painted on his wife’s face. “Are you all right?”
She wiped herself out of her trance to smile up at him phonily. “Yeah. Fine.”
“What’d I miss?” he asked, taking a seat beside her.
She was clearly still dazed. “What?”
“I heard cheering on my way back from the restroom. What happened?”
“Oh. Umm… Zooey. She’s buying everyone drinks.”
“Nice. I could use another round,” he decided, popping back up from his chair. “You want?”
Of course he found it nice that Zooey was buying him yet another drink, she thought. “I’m good.”
“Levin!” he called her over as she finished up her conversation with two of their film’s producers.
“You rang?” she smiled at the unhappy couple.
“You’re buying drinks, I hear?”
“Pretty sure I already bought you a drank,” she forced out a joke. “Scarlett, you want anything?”
“I’m fine,” she declined a little more tensely than she intended. The fact was, she absolutely hated sitting there, between the two of them, all of them now aware of the hugely ugly secret that connected them. She was on the verge of combusting. “Justin, where’s the bathroom?”
“Umm. When you go in, go past the bar and make a left. You’ll see it right there.”
“I’ll be right back,” she attempted to smile, leaving the two of them to cheat some more.
“Is she all right?” Zooey wanted to know, seeing how quickly she was moving.
“I think so.”
“On a scale of one to ten,” she leaned in to speak quietly, “how scared are you right now?”
He smiled at the question and then looked down to the ground as he answered, “Probably a good eight and a half.”
“Do you think she’s gonna leave you?”
“I don’t know what I think,” he nodded sullenly. “A part of me feels like she’s already gone. Another part of me feels like the fact that she’s here is a little glimmer of hope.”
Zooey nodded as well.
“Do you?”
“Do I think she’s gonna leave you? Umm… wow. I… I dunno.” She tried to recall anything from their conversation that she could reference to help. “If it helps, she said she couldn’t imagine her life without you.”
That made him smile, too.
Suddenly feeling awkward about the course of their conversation, she sarcastically inserted, “So glad the two of you feel comfortable coming to me for marriage advice.”
“I’m sorry. I just feel dangerously at ease with you, apparently.”
“Clearly.”
“Do you want me to leave you alone?”
“Please,” she declined with a dismissive wave. “I’ll inform you when I’m bored with you.”
As one of his costars passed by with a tray full of shots, Justin seemed to recall a funny anecdote. “Hey, did Eric tell you the story about how his dog tried to kill him?” he laughed.
She smiled in reply, having heard the story from his girlfriend. “Katherine told me, actually. Though I’d imagine Eric’s retelling was slightly more hilarious.”
“Who’s Katherine?” he frowned curiously.
“Eric’s girlfriend.”
“Girlfriend.”
“…Yes?”
“Is that what he calls his boyfriend?” he made a scrunched up face as he whispered.
“No!” she almost cackled, turning to look for the aforementioned lady. Spotting the svelte brunette, she pointed her out for Justin. “The one in the gray top with her hair pulled back?”
“Shut the fuck up, Zooey.”
“I’m so serious. That’s his girlfriend.”
“You’re kidding,” he marveled, as he would have sworn that Eric Stonestreet was gay, and basically a real life version of his character on Modern Family.
“Do not judge books by their covers,” she reminded him, knocking him in the back so that he would stop staring. “Or actors by the roles they play.”
“Lesson learned,” he held up his hands in surrender. “Shocked the hell outta me.”
“Honestly, I thought he was gay too, until I met Katherine, so…”
“And I knew this,” he shook his head just in time to spot Scarlett returning to the scene of their crimes. “Hey, you.”
“Hello.”
“We were just talking about who’s not gay,” Zooey informed her as if that would break the palpable tension.
Scarlett smiled in her direction, but didn’t respond. She just turned to Justin and said, “I’m ready to go.”
“O-okay. Umm… let me just say a few goodbyes.”
“I’ll be in the car.”
“Okay.” As she stalked out of the patio without so much as a parting glance, Justin looked back at Zooey. “I guess it’s time to go.”
“You should really not make her wait.”
“But it would be rude--.”
“I’ll be sure to tell everyone you left. Just in case they don’t figure it out when they don’t see you anymore.”
With a smirk, he bid her goodbye and headed out of the party to meet his wife in the parking lot. Not surprised to see that the paparazzi were still waiting, he silently opened Scarlett’s door and then let himself into his pristine black Audi.
Once they were on Sunset and headed back towards their home in The Hills, he looked over to his wife, who was staring out of the window plaintively.
“So that was fun…”
“Was it?”
Unsure of whether to respond to that, he decided to just shut up and drive.
Scarlett had watched Zooey and Justin for a bit before she returned from the restroom, as painful as it was, and in her study, she discovered something even more disturbing than just his partner in infidelity. Justin’s interaction with Zooey was very genuine and deliberate. Even when he thought no one was watching, he was attentive and clearly amused by her. He looked at her is if he were trying to savor every moment. Scarlett searched for some sign of wanton lust, where he licked his lips repeatedly or found some reason to touch her. But instead he looked her in the eye often, and smiled earnestly when she spoke. Way to twist the knife that had already been dug so deep.
You made a fool of me, tell me why
I feel like such a fool
You made a fool of me, tell me why
“It’s Zooey, isn’t it?” she eventually found the wherewithal to ask out loud.
To protect Zooey, Justin wanted to play dumb and act like he had no idea what she was talking about, but he knew that that would only add insult to Scarlett’s injury. So he was honest. “Yeah.”
“You like her a lot, I can tell.”
“Yeah…”
“Are you in love with her?”
“I’m in love with you,” he answered quickly. Confidently.
“Are you in love with her?”
He’d avoided asking himself that very question for a long time, primarily because he was scared of the answer. Liking Zooey was daunting enough, but the thought that he could possibly be in love with her, when for the last six and a half years, all he’d known was that he loved Scarlett, was too much to try and rationalize. But the question had been asked, out loud, and he began to nod as he came to the heartbreaking realization. “…I think I am.”
Lyrics: “Fool of Me” - Me'Shell Ndegeocello (Bitter)
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