Azaria

The chocolate-stained worn wooden floor planks of Justin’s apartment felt cool beneath my behind, as I sat staring up at the massive Christmas tree decorated awkwardly in blue and gold lights, with a bright white star chillin’ atop on the gangsta lean. The remaining lights that did not frame the Christmas tree dangled along the bottom where a small gift hid beneath useless tissue paper and fallen Christmas ornaments.

While wondering why Justin would wrap a gift that he had obviously brought for himself and then place it under the tree, I attempted not to snoop and see what the box held. I mean I had already tried to leave twice last night before finally giving up. And despite how much I hated the holidays, particularly Christmas, nothing could stop me from sneaking into the living room to strain my neck gaping at the Christmas tree.

Retrieving a Jessica Rabbit ornament from the floor, it finally dawned on me that today was Christmas Eve. Great, I am spending Christmas Eve, a holiday I despise, with a man I had tried hard to despise until last night. In fact, I wanted to remain in denial of the fact that we actually had sex, and not that it was horrible, because that it was not. However, as long as I believe that we didn’t have sex, then I can believe that nothing will come of it, and that I have no feelings for Justin.

Suddenly, the metallic red wrapping paper of the slim gift box caught my eye. It flashed every time I glanced, calling out to me. Besides the gift not striking me as something Justin would purchase for himself, the pink ribbon bow made it too feminine. So, he must’ve brought the gift for someone else. Another Woman?

As soon as the quick thought surfaced, I tried to push it away before the thought settled, and caused my mind to form its own conclusions about Justin and another woman. I mean we hadn’t defined our relationship as exclusive, hell we’re not even in a relationship, so I don’t care if he’s messing with someone else…

I didn’t see myself snatch up the gift box, but somehow it ended up in my hands anyway. When I went to open it, I noticed that the present was for me.

Merry Christmas Azaria. Love, Justin. Oh God. Justin hid this gift under the tree for me.

As if the box was too hot to the touch, I threw it across the room, and then I began to panic. I tried to convince myself that the empty chill that brushed against my skin was from the coolness in the room. Yet I couldn’t deny that my heart ached. Somehow, it was easier to close my eyes to the tears.

I could still remember that horrible lump in my throat when she left, taking a large part of me with her.

Justin

She could’ve at least said goodbye, was my initial reaction when I woke up and realized that Azaria wasn’t beside me anymore. Afterwards I was mad, and then furious. I couldn’t believe she was so against staying overnight that she made a second attempt to leave and actually succeeded.

What did she have against staying until the morning after? What did she have against having sex with the lights on? Damnit, what did she have against me? I’ve been nothing but good to her. Hell, I was especially good to her last night. I mean, why did she even come here if she was just going to regret it in the morning?

You know what, I don’t care that she’s gone. I got what I wanted anyway, right? Mmm…I sure did. She saved me from having to have that awkward “morning after” talk too. Yep, I’m glad she’s gone.

Stretching my arms, and then folding them behind my head, I snuggled deeper into my pillows and covers. Aww hell, I sniffed the air. My room smells just like her! And here I was hoping that I could forget about her. The gorgeous bronzed skin, silky thighs, delicious breasts, deep and seductive moan. Mmm yes, I can forget about all that…right after I take a tortuously cold shower.

Only when I climbed out of bed to slip my feet into my slippers, I heard movement coming from downstairs. I hope Lola wasn’t attacking the Christmas tree again.

Throwing open my bedroom, I rushed for the stairs and then stumbled at the bottom. I almost slipped off the last stair and busted my ass when I saw Azaria, and not Lola, sitting on the floor beside the Christmas tree. Azaria? Azaria! She’s still here! She never left!

Well, I’ll be damn. How lucky am I? And realizing just how lucky I am had me grinning like an idiot. Azaria and I were going to make the most of the holidays. Yes indeedy.

Thinking that I’d rather not bring attention to myself just yet, I quietly walked on my tippy-toes towards Azaria’s back. Suddenly, I halted my movements. Should I leave her alone before she lashed out at me eventually? Hmph, obviously I am a glutton for punishment because I couldn’t stop myself from going into the living room to talk to her.

“What are you doing down here?” Azaria turned around and bolted up from the floor, startled by my unexpected voice. She attempted to right her appearance but it was too late. I had already seen what she didn’t want me to see.

Although she looked damn good wrapped up in my fluffy robe of my favorite hue, baby blue with the simplest color for sexy underwear; black, peeking through in the form of a cotton bra, swollen eyes and tear-stained ashy cheeks overrode all that beauty.

Azaria crying? Azaria I-got-more-balls-than-most-of-the-guys-I-work-with Richards never cries. Well, except for that one night she was too drunk to care. Yet, glancing around the living room, I didn’t see any half-empty liquor bottles, so she wasn’t drunk. Therefore, why was she in this mood on the holidays…damn, the holidays.

“Azaria I-” She held up her hand and I paused.

“Can you take me home?” For a moment, I watched her as if I hadn’t heard her question.

I started to smile a bit, hoping maybe that would cheer her up.” “I’m not ready to take you home yet. I like having you here.” Azaria dropped her face into her hands instead. She was never affected by my smile, I guess.

After a few moments of oblivion, Azaria finally pulled a hand away from her face. “Justin…” She sighed again as if she were trying to choose her words carefully. “We’re not having sex again so there is no purpose for me to be here.” Her words were barely above a whisper but I heard them loud and clear.

“Did I say anything about having sex? Huh?” She gnawed her bottom lip and lowered her gaze to the floor. “No. I did not.” Although it was on my mind earlier. “So get your mind out of the gutter, baby.” To my disappointment, Azaria didn’t even blink at my comeback.

She lifted her gaze. “I want to go home now.” Damn, there is no persuading her to stay, is there?

“Wait, you can’t leave until I give you your present.” She’ll at least stay to see what it is, right?

“Damnit Justin I don’t want a present. I just want to go home.” Azaria managed to prove me wrong as usual.

“Y-you don’t even know w-what it is, yet?” Now, she had me fumbling over my words.

“I don’t care, I don’t like presents, and I don’t like Christmas. Now put on some clothes and take me home!” Okay, I knew from experience with Azaria that when emotions were high and shouting occurred, there was absolutely no reasoning with her. I’m just going to give her the gift because I know that she’s going to love it. I had it especially made for her.

“Okay. I’ll take you home. Just wait right here.” I rushed over to the tree and searched for the present that I had hidden underneath. I found it closer to the dining room than the tree. Lola must’ve been fooling with it.

No time to think about it, I quickly snatched up the slim box and made my way back over to Azaria. I held out the neatly wrapped box and she hesitated before grasping it.

I smiled. “Merry Christmas Azaria.” She didn’t bother to smile back. Instead, fat tears surfaced in her eyes.

She took a deep breath and untied the ribbon.

Azaria

I heard a noise and came out of my bedroom into the hallway. I knew that I should wake up my daddy, but I knew he would scare Santa away.

I broke out in a sprint as I realized that I would actually see Santa putting presents under the tree for Amir and me. A thump from downstairs caused me to stop. It sounded like it came from the fireplace; I hoped Santa was trying to escape up the chimney.

I tiptoed around the corner as soft as I could. My heart was beating so loud that I just knew my brother was going to wake up any minute and spoil my chances at seeing Santa.

Taking one stair at a time, I stared at the head of my rainbow brite footies as I twisted the sleeve of my matching jammies.

When I made it to the last step, I heard crying. Why was Santa crying? Did he forget my gift?

By the time, I ran into the living room the flash of curly black hair caught my eye as the sound of the door closing echoed. Santa had left. I looked at the empty plate. He ate the cookies I left him too.

I smiled, this was going to be the best Christmas ever! I ran back upstairs to my bedroom and shut the door quietly to not wake up my little brother. He rolled over, but he was still sleeping.

I lied in bed for a few minutes staring at the ceiling hoping Santa got my letter because I really wanted a rainbow brite lunchbox and a new cabbage patch kids doll.

I tossed and turned for the rest of the night until I finally fell asleep.

The next day, when I woke up I was so excited. I could barely stop myself from shouting to the mountaintop. Shoving the blankets from my body, I quickly jumped from the bed and ran to the door. I stopped realizing I didn’t put my footies on. Mommy doesn’t like when I walk around barefoot.

After I put my footies on and stood to my feet, I turned to see my brother Amir standing next to me with his thumb in his mouth.

“Amir, didn’t Mommy tell you to stop sucking your thumb?” He stared at me with wide eyes and shrugged. Amir wasn’t much of a talker in the morning; he would just follow me around most of the time.

“Come on, let’s go open our presents.” I took his hand and ran to my parents’ room.

“Mommy, Daddy wake up!” They didn’t answer when I called out for them, but I heard footsteps downstairs and then the voice of my father.

“Down here baby girl.” I followed the voice of my father to the kitchen, dragging my little brother every step of the way.

“Where’s mommy?”

“Azaria take your brother into the living room please.” His face scrunched up as he pointed to the living room where the Christmas tree glowed.

“But daddy?”

“Just go baby.” I dropped my head and left the kitchen with my brother in tow.

As I sat in front of the tree reaching for the first present with my name on it, I didn’t feel happy anymore.

“Mommy gone.” My eyes followed Amir’s hand, pointing to the missing keys on the desk. Mommy never left without them.

I suddenly set the gift next to me and dashed into the kitchen, looking for daddy. “Daddy where’s mommy?”

He took a sip of his drink and put the cup down, but he didn’t look at me. “She’s not here.”

“Did she go to get our presents from Aunt Angie?” My mother usually went to daddy’s sister’s on Christmas morning to get our presents when she thought we were asleep.

He nodded his head and turned to me smiling with tears in his eyes, “Merry Christmas.”

Daddy looked over my shoulder to watch Amir, “Go help your brother open his presents.”

I started to leave, but stopped, “I want to wait for mommy to come back. She said she was gonna take pictures of me for her scrapbook.”

“I’ll take your picture. Let me go upstairs and get the camera.” Daddy kissed me on my forehead and walked slowly out of the room with his head hung low.

I ran back into the living room and squatted under the tree to open my first present. It was from mommy. I put it down because mommy liked to watch me open my gifts from her. She said it made her happy to see me happy. Instead, I picked up a gift from Daddy.

“Look boo boo.” Amir waved his new G.I Joe figure in the air.

“That’s cute Amir.”

“It’s not cute. It’s a boy toy!” He lifted his arms in the air like a macho man.

I rolled my eyes and stuck my tongue out as I opened my gift from daddy. I ripped through the fancy pink paper to see the box of an easy bake oven! “Oh thank you Daddy!” I yelled at the top of my lungs hoping Daddy heard me.

With my new easy bake oven, I could make more cookies for Santa and chocolate cake for mommy and daddy.

The sound of the doorbell stopped me from opening my next present. I jumped and yelled for my father. “Daddy someone’s at the door!”

After a few seconds, he still hadn’t come down, so I went to open the door myself. “Who is it?”

“It’s Aunt Angie sweetie.” I giggled and flew into the arms of my favorite aunt, wrapping my arms tightly around her waist.

“Hi Aunt Angie.” Amir embraced her other leg.

“Is mommy out there bringing in more presents?” I poked my head outside to see if mommy was on her way, she wasn’t.

I was confused. If mommy wasn’t at Aunt Angie’s where was she? “My mommy didn’t go to your house today did she?”

My aunt frowned and rubbed a hand over my cheek. She grabbed our hands and led us back to the tree. I was tired of going back to the tree.

“Did you two open all your gifts yet?” I shook my head. I didn’t want to open any more gifts without mommy.

Amir stared at me with curious eyes. He wanted to know where mommy went too. “Mommy gone boo boo?” I didn’t know what to tell him. Was mommy really gone?

My aunt sighed and now I knew the truth. Mommy was really gone. I knew something was wrong when I saw the tears in daddy’s eyes, but it was nothing I could do.

“I’m sorry sweetie.” She raised her hand to wipe the tear from under my eye.

I eyed the gift from my mother lying under the tree alone, the other gifts that were next to it faded away as more tears fell. I couldn’t feel anything as my aunt pulled me into her arms, the gift still under the tree, forgotten. I wasn’t going to open that gift or any gift.

I pushed away from my aunt and ran upstairs to my parents’ bedroom. Bursting through the door, I searched for my mother not believing she had left me, us.

Going to the bed, I snatched the covers away. “Where’s mommy!” I screamed. My father never answered me when I asked him before.

He shook his head trying to pull me away from the bed and into his arms. Daddy lifted me into his arms and carried me to his bed. On the nightstand was a picture of my mommy smiling, smiling at me. I cried harder as daddy rubbed circles into my skin, whispering that he was sorry.

“She didn’t say goodbye daddy.” I lied in my father’s arms for hours, until he took me into the bathroom. By then I had wet myself and my tears had stopped. Daddy didn’t say anything he just cleaned up the mess and bathed me.

She never said goodbye.

Justin

I started to wonder if giving Azaria a present was a good idea when I had to occupy myself with silence for five minutes because Azaria had drifted off to some place far away. Some place far away that she obviously wasn’t very fond of. Some place that caused her grasp to tightened around the delicate box, almost crushing it as if it offended her. Worried, I not only managed to pry the box from Azaria’s hold, but I got her attention as well. Blinking rapidly, her gaze of confusion mirrored mine. She seemed surprised to see me standing there watching her. Yet, she seemed even more surprised to see her palms cradling the unopened present, so surprised that she almost dropped it.

She suddenly inhaled a deep breath. “Why didn’t you listen to me?”

“Huh?” I had gotten so comfortable with the silence that I did not hear her correctly.

“Why couldn’t you just leave me alone?” The tears that had settled in her eyes earlier were now flowing freely. And I had no idea why. “I said I didn’t want a gift and I meant that.” Azaria madly swiped at her tears before shoving the box into my chest. She then proceeded to stalk off until I grabbed her arm. She evil-eyed the hand that held her captive and then jerked away.

“So I can’t give you a gift out of thanks?”

“Thanks for what? Last night? You don’t have to give me a present to thank me for last night Justin.” Any other day I would’ve had a comeback for her, but today it was pointless.

“I don’t know Azaria, maybe I was thanking you and your presence for making Cupid’s Arrow a better place to work.” My words gave her a reason to pause and her gaze burned into mine like she was trying to figure me out. I too, was trying to figure me out.

Figure out why in the hell I just admitted that her brash ways and sometimes-insensitive words changed me. Every other girl but Azaria I sent packing whenever she disrespected me or if I felt we were getting too close. Yet, I was begging Azaria to stay even though she threw my gift back in my face. It must’ve been the tears. Her tears were like a sucker-punch to the gut: painful.

“I-I don’t want this Justin.” Suddenly scared of the direction of the conversation, Azaria started shaking her head and backing away.

“Don’t want what? The gift? Yeah, I know we already established that.” Now, I was beginning to sound bitter.

“The gift or whatever you’re hinting at.” She turned so that she could continue into the hallway. I followed because I wasn’t done with her yet.

“What am I hinting at Azaria?”

“You know.” She snapped.

“No.” I clasped her shoulder to turn her to me as she reached for the knob of the coat closet. “I don’t know.”

“I don’t know what you’re talking about. I don’t know why you’re PMSing at me. And I don’t know why you’re crying. Tell me what’s going on now.” Azaria’s not the only one who has a domineering streak. I have one too, especially when I get desperate. And right now I was desperate. Azaria and her switch on/switch off attitude had gotten under my skin.

“You wouldn’t understand.” Azaria finally huffed. She had been silent for more than thirty seconds and that was the best she could come up with? Rather than give her the privilege of a response, I folded my arms and grimaced. It must’ve pushed her buttons because next thing I knew she was yelling at me again.

“Justin, why do you wanna act like you care all of the sudden? I know you don’t like me very much as a person. I heard you call me a bitch under your breath a few times.” I did. She frustrates me. “So let’s not confuse things, okay.” She turned to snatch her coat out of the closet.

“What the hell does that mean?” I watched her slip her arms into her coat over her rumpled attire.

“We only had sex Justin, no strings attached sex.”

“When did we agree to that?” As soon as I said the words, she cut her eyes at me with a, “you can’t be serious” look.

“That’s the way it was supposed to be. I wouldn’t have come over otherwise.”

“Now what the hell does that mean?” I frowned as she nodded while wiping tear residue from her eyes.

“It means that we are not supposed to be having this conversation. You need to stop trying to understand me because this thing we have…is just that a thing. It’ll be over in no time.” I winced as she continued. “I know if the roles were reversed, I’d sure as hell wouldn’t care why you were crying. I know how to stay in my lane.” Wow, Azaria sure has a way with words.

She was a regular dream killer. And to think I woke up this morning feeling good about “us.” I mean, about what we did. Whatever. I don’t know why I’m standing here still listening to this bullshit. She has to go. I started heading to the stairs.

“Um, I’m going to go shower and change. I won’t be long.” I headed up the staircase and then halted, clutching the discarded present to my chest. I grasped the banister before facing Azaria again.

“You know Azaria…” I paused. “I grew up without a mother too, but you don’t see me walking around acting like a bitch.” With that, I tossed the box on the stairs and continued to my bedroom.

Azaria

The ride to my house was a tense one. Justin followed the guidelines of driving and paid no attention to me, kept his eyes on the road the entire time, which was understandable. He had nothing to say to me and vice versa. We just couldn’t get along outside of the bedroom, and even that was somewhat strained. We both wanted different things. He wanted to understand me. I wanted him to only want the physical me. Yet, instead of telling him that we needed to end things right now, I slipped out of the car with a mumbled goodbye before walking the distance to my apartment building.

When I entered my apartment and headed straight for my bedroom, I passed Amir who was sitting on the couch smiling knowingly at me. He had no idea that Justin and I had gotten into a fight rather than the romp between the sheets that should’ve occurred this morning. I guess it’s my fault though. I didn’t leave much opportunity for that to occur. Yet, I kept my promise. One night and one night only.

I slipped into my bedroom and closed the door behind me before Amir had a chance to be nosy. Immediately, I sought out the comfort of my bed, which my cat Breeze already occupied. When I stretched out beside him, he hurried over, nudging my arm, and seeking affection. I offered my hands to the task of scratching his head. It’s ironic how I had no problem exchanging affection with my baby Breezy, but when it came to species of the opposite sex, and even women sometimes, I couldn’t allow myself to get close. I couldn’t befriend anyone. I couldn’t fall in love with anyone.

I didn’t have any boyfriends in high school or college, only male “acquaintances”. And I didn’t have those “hey girlfriend” relationships with any of the girls. They didn’t like my attitude, but I was convinced for a long time that I didn’t need anybody, until my daddy made me go to therapy. He was convinced that I wasn’t healthy, that I was carrying around too much negativity. Shortly after beginning, I stopped going to therapy. I felt that it was pointless and a waste of my time and the therapist’s. Therefore, I started having private therapy sessions by myself; I didn’t need to pay anyone to tell me what my issues were. I already knew.

Following several private sessions, I gained a new persona. One that was confident, sexy, assertive, and overly feminine, something my father hadn’t been very good at teaching me. I was able to lock away that Azaria that I wasn’t comfortable with, the vulnerable one. Yet, Justin was digging his claws into that Azaria, trying to understand her just because he saw a glimpse of her today. So what, he caught me crying on Christmas Eve. That didn’t justify him trying to get all up in my business. He would never understand. Yet, right before he called me a bitch, he said that he had grown up without a mother. Did his mother abandon him too? Hmm, it would be too much of a coincidence if she had. However, if it was true, I must say that he’s definitely handling it better than me.

For the rest of the day I tried not to dwell too much on my lack of a relationship with Justin, and busy myself with house chores like cleaning up after junky ass Amir. Then I used Amir’s computer to look for a new job. I was going to need more money soon since I quit Cupid’s Arrow. After hours and little results, I decided to go to bed. Despite that it was only nine at night, I was tired. And I would be lying if I didn’t admit that it was because of my night with Justin. Aww, there he goes creeping into my thoughts again.

We had fun, but it’ll never work.

Entering my room, I quickly dressed. Still as prepared as I was to go to sleep, as soon as my head touched the pillows, I refused to close my eyes. I knew I would have that dream again, the one that I have every year, the night before Christmas. The one where I tricked myself into believing that my mommy didn’t leave that night, and that she was actually sitting up waiting for me when I came down to open my presents. And yet, sometimes I would see myself watching her leave, crying for her to come back, but it’s as if she can’t hear me because she never turns around.

I glanced at the clock, 9:15 pm, sighing loudly; I knew that it was going be one of those nights. I could already feel the proof trickling down my cheeks. I sat up and decided that I would go check on Amir. He had never really given much thought to the holiday season, only Daddy and I, still I needed something to do.

I climbed out of bed, grabbed a small blanket, scooped up Breeze, and went to Amir’s room. He must’ve expected me because before I could knock, the door swung up.

“Hey boo, you okay?” He led me to the bed. “I got some popcorn. We can watch some movies. None of those crappy Christmas movies we hate though.” I smiled, trying to remember the last time I spent Christmas with Amir.

“Oh. What are we watching?”

“The Terminator.” He growled. Then there was a knock on the door. “That better not be your boyfriend trying to intrude on our family time.”

“Lord I hope not.” I moaned as I moved to leave the room. Taking my time to answer the door, I prayed to the heavens that my visitor was not Justin. And God answered. When I opened the door, there was a girl no older than seventeen watching me. Then she had the audacity to invite herself in. Noticing the heavy ass suitcase that she was dragging behind her, I made the conclusion that she wasn’t selling Girl Scout cookies.

“Excuse me um…?”

“Oh I guess I should introduce myself.” She should’ve done that first. “Hi Azaria, my name is Chanté, I’m Uncle Aaron’s daughter so that makes us cousins.” That was highly possible. I hadn’t spoken to Uncle Aaron since I was seven. He could’ve gotten married and had children since then. But the real question was what was this little girl doing at my apartment?

“Anyway…” She smacked her lips. “I ran away from home, please don’t make me call my mom, and can I please stay here?”

“What! How did you-what-”

“Azaria! C’mon, you’re missing Terminator.”

“Ooh! Terminator.” Chanté damn near dropped her suitcase on my foot during her mad dash to Amir’s room. I, too shock to move, remained in my spot. Still, I heard Amir from the bedroom say, “Who the hell are you?”