Chapter 13

That evening I was plagued with thoughts of him. It seemed like every waking moment was dedicated to hating him, loving him, but never once forgiving him for ruining my so called “perfect” world.

It was far from perfect of course, but in reality I was happy then and now was left crushed. It wasn’t fair.

The flashbacks I was having were so intense. I couldn’t bare them but my mind kept conning me into seeing them.

I was in the shower when the strongest flashback hit me. It was like, one minute I was shampooing my hair and the next I was back at the house with Justin.

His hands are on my body and I feel so dirty from his touch, but I still want it anyway. Justin’s ice blue eyes met mine and his hot mouth latched onto mine. His tongue swirled around mine

Lying on my side, with my back to him, Justin plunged into my pussy, making me gasp in surprise. His hands latched onto my breasts and tugged at my nipples roughly.

I cried out, loving the feel of him.

**

“Stop it Natalia… stop!” I said aloud, trying to snap myself out of my thoughts. It hurt to think about the past. That was the last time I was with him, the last time I slept with him.

I hated myself for it but at the same time didn’t. Maybe it was my last good bye? Maybe it wasn’t.

**

“I love you Natalia…” Justin looks at me and smiles so innocently. We are at the beach, on a surprise trip he planned for us. Such a hopeless romantic I married.

At the moment I know that he’s meant to be mine and only mine.

“I love you too Justin.” He puts his hands on my pregnant belly and just smiles dreamily.

“I never knew life would turn out this perfect for me. I have the most gorgeous woman in the world as my wife and the mother of my children. I have everything any man could ever ask for.”

**

Tears cascaded down my face. I remembered that night so well. Justin had surprised me and taken me to the beach for a romantic night of watching the stars and eating my favorite foods, which was like everything when I was pregnant.

I fell to my knees with the water coming down hard against my back. It hurt so much, just thinking about the love we had for each other. I used to complain so much, but I would kill to go back and feel the way he did about me.

I would give the world to have Justin chasing after me again.

**

“I’m a father… I can’t believe I’m a father.” Justin was beaming as he sat next to my hospital bed, holding our newborn daughter.

“I know… it feels like a dream. I can’t believe they’re finally here.” I looked down at my son who was sleeping soundly in my arms.

“What are we gonna name them? We never decided.”

“I like Nikolas…” I smiled. “And he looks like a Nikolas, doesn’t he?”

“He looks perfect and that name is perfect.” Justin beamed at me. “What about for our princess? I can’t just call her princess.”

“I bet you’ll spoil her like one.” I winked at him and laughed.

“I like Samantha… after my sister…”

“It’s beautiful.”

I leaned over and placed a kiss on my husband’s mouth. Nothing felt as perfect as that moment did, just my husband, my children and I. We were a family.

**

I couldn’t control myself, I grabbed a razor blade and ran it across the side of my wrists. I didn’t want to kill myself but I wanted to feel something else. I didn’t want to hurt like I did.

When I was younger, I had developed a habit. I was what people called a masochist, a cutter. I cut because it numbed the emotional pain and it helped me to forget and focus on the physical.

I hadn’t cut since I was 16 years old, I had a made a promise to myself and said I’d never do it again. Never say never.

“Natalia!!” I heard my mother call to me from the other side of the doorway. I grabbed a towel and wrapped it around my naked body. My wrists were bleeding and before I could get them to stop my Mom barged into the bathroom.

I had just shut the water when she saw me.

“Natalia… aye dios mio.” Isabel Fuentes grabbed me and sat me down on the side of the tub. “What are you doing hijita?”

I just looked down, staring at my bleeding wrists. My Mom was running around the bathroom, grabbing bandages and disinfectants.

I was broken, as much as I hated to admit it, Justin had broken me.

“Natalia… you have children… don’t let him destroy you…”

“He already did, Mami.”

“Stop! Natalia stop. You have two babies… they need you!!”

“I’m not gonna kill myself, Mom.” I closed my eyes tightly and looked down at my bandaged wrists. “I just feel so empty.”

“I know.” She sat next to me and put her arms around me. “When your father left, that’s how I felt. I was lost and I didn’t think I could go on.”

“How did you make it, Mommy?”

“I knew I had you and tu hermano to take care of. You needed me and I knew that I had to be strong. I loved your father… he was a maldito, I realize now but then I loved him and my world collapsed.”

“So you rebuilt your world.”

“Yes. I made everything better and I became stronger. You have to do the same.”

I hugged my Mom, unsure of what else to do. My heart was broken, but she was right. I needed to stop wallowing in self-pity and move on. I was stronger than that.

I didn’t need Justin anymore.