Chapter 41

            I was in such pain and agony, not physical but just emotional. I went to my Mother’s house, just because I wanted to isolate myself for a little while. It’s this pattern I have, I isolate myself when things go wrong because I don’t know what else to do. But anyway, I was at my Mom’s house, feeling absolutely wretched and I guessed my Mom picked up on that. Thinking back on it, one would have to be blind to not pick up on it.

            “Natalia… vamos a comer…I made your favorite…“ Isabel Fuentes-Kirkland, called to me from the dining room. I was busy typing away on my laptop, not thrilled about the thought of food. I didn’t think I could put anything in my stomach and hold it down.

            “I’m not hungry Mami… maybe later.”

            “NATALIA SOLANA! Do not make me get up!”

            I exhaled softly and shut my laptop shut. I wasn’t going to argue with my Mother, I just didn’t have the strength to. I walked into the dining room where my mother, her husband and the twins sat. A fake smile was flashed as I blankly sat down at the table.

            “Eat, mija… you need to stop working so hard. You look so tired.”

            “I’m fine.” I looked down at my plate of food, becoming repulsed. Congrese was my favorite food but I just didn’t want to eat it.

Justin had just made me feel so terrible that nothing just seemed like it mattered. Depression was just making me work harder and isolate myself from everyone.

“Natalia! Do not make me mad… eat your food. No te pongas inferma por ese hijo de puta.”

My gaze shot up to stare at my Mother; how the hell did she know that the reason for my distress was Justin? How the hell did Mothers know everything?

“I’m not sick, Mom. I’m just stressed from work.” I took the tiniest bite of food and felt my stomach start turning. I hadn’t been able to hold any food down for the last week or so. I was basically living on coffee… not by choice though. My depression was just getting the best of me… Justin was getting the best of me.

“I bet its drugs… that’s what all the young kids are doing these days anyway.” William Kirkland stated from the other end of the table. “Cocaine to be skinny and energetic… marijuana to relax… ecstasy to have sex all night…”

“William!” My Mother screamed. She knew this conversation wasn’t headed in the right direction so she shooed the twins out of the room quickly. “Mi hija no hace esa mierda! Shut your mouth or leave!”

“I know better than to do drugs. My father happened to be a massive drug addict and I would never allow myself to follow in his footsteps and mess up my life.” I narrowed my eyebrows angrily at my stepfather. I usually would have just ignored his remarks but I was ready to blow up at the first person that started with me, and unfortunately it was him. “Another thing asshole, you are damn lucky to have a woman like my Mother… so appreciate her… she puts up with your bullshit and she fucking shouldn’t. You are a bitter son of a bitch who loves to see everyone around him fail. I bet you get the fuck off on the fact that I’m divorcing the Mafia Lord who put the once golden Med student into Jail. The one you were jealous of because you knew you and your family could never even come close to matching him in intellect.”

“NATALIA!! ENOUGH!” My mother exclaimed, practically in tears.

“Wanna hear the bitter truth, William? If my Mother didn’t need the money… she would never stay with you. Though she denies it now… the love of her life was and will always be my father, Ramon Fuentes. He was a dick, that’s a given, but my Mother and I live mirrored lives… we love only once in a lifetime and with all of our hearts.” I smirked and stared him right in the face, feeling positively evil. “I’ll probably end up with the same fate as her…divorcing my husband, becoming bitter, and marrying an asshole to pay my bills. I’ll marry someone beneath me… who isn’t worthy to breathe the same air as me, and you know what… I’ll do it w-“

William launched his hand across the table and cracked me across the face. I stumbled back slightly; ready to open my mouth again and continue my tirade, when my Mother lived up to the person I always knew she was; the strong independent female who didn’t need anyone but herself.

“William… GET OUT!” She pointed to the door, seething with anger. “Never step foot in my house again and NEVER touch my daughter again. I’m going to set an example from this point on to my daughter and granddaughter… you don’t need a man to survive!”

My Stepfather stood stunned for a moment, before pushing his chair aside and walking out the door. I felt bad for a moment, but it passed. William hated Andrew and I, we always plotted to get rid of him and support my mother financially.

We… well atleast I… was going to get the chance.

            “Mom… I’m sorry….” I looked at her as she started to clear the table.

            “Mija… don’t worry… you gave me the strength to do something I’ve been wanting to do for years.” Isabel said and walked into the kitchen. I walked after her, wanting an answer to fill my curiosity. “Natalia… everything you said was true. I married William to be a father to you and Andrew… but he did nothing but belittle all of us. He financially supported us, which I’m thankful for… but I don’t need him anymore. My children are grown and I can certainly support myself.”

            “I didn’t know you really felt that way Mommy… I was just trying to push his buttons.”

            “Natalia… I want you to be strong and independent. I want you to work hard and raise your children without having to succumb to a man that certainly isn’t worthy of you. It’s time for me to set an example…”

            I don’t think I ever felt as close to my Mom as I did at that moment. I wanted nothing more but to open up to her and tell her everything that was going on in my life.

            “Mami… we need to talk… I need to tell you what’s been going on the last month or so…”

**

The image of her face wouldn't leave his mind; blonde-brown hair framed her smiling face as she looked up at him. But it wasn't Natalia looking up at him; it was Carina smiling deviously at him as she grabbed his hard cock roughly. Carina would never be Natalia; she would never have the innocence, the personality, the essence that made Natalia unique.

When it came down to it... Carina was just a pretty face and a good fuck. She wasn't for him. The woman who was meant for him was nothing but a tramp. The anger he suddenly felt caused him to grab Carina by the hair roughly.

"Stop fucking playing and suck my cock."

"Someone's in a nasty mood tonight..."

"What the fuck am I paying you for... to kiss and cuddle? Get started and blow me. Earn your fucking money."

            A glare was sent his way, but it quickly faded. Carina knew better than to bite the hand that fed her. She leaned down on all fours to Justin's massive cock and went to work. She licked up and down his thick shaft, getting it wet enough so it could slide in and out of her mouth easier.

Closing his eyes, Justin imagined that it was Natalia's mouth sucking him off so wonderfully. Natalia was so perfect, that's why it was killing him so much that she had cheated on him. He couldn't understand what was so special about David, his cock certainly wasn't bigger than his and David certainly didn't have more money than he. What kept drawing Natalia back to him?

The thoughts of his obsession haunted him. Natalia’s face would not go away, he never had a moments peace; even when he slept she was on his mind.  He’d stare at pictures, pretend Carina was Natalia and even follow Natalia around. Justin knew this wasn’t healthy, he knew that he was walking a thin line in keeping his sanity, but doing all this was what kept him from going over the deep end.

She had no idea of course; Natalia was too naïve. That was the part of her that he loved, her innocence. Natalia thought that everyone was out to do her good. Justin loved that optimism in his absolutely hellish world.

“I know you can fucking use your mouth better. Let’s go.” Justin yanked Carina’s hair, causing her to let out a squeal of pain. Carina was used to all this treatment; Justin was rough on her because he had no outlet for his emotions. Sex was his way of venting, and he was addicted to it. So much had happened in his life, so much pain and anguish; speaking it aloud was something that would never happen, so he found an alternative means of getting his feelings out somehow.

Bored from watching Carina blow him, Justin hit the remote control and turned on one of the many homemade sex tapes he had of he and Natalia. He had watched them all religiously now, trying to relive those moments.

There was the 19 year old girl he fell in love with. There was the girl who would never hurt him. The reality of it all was that Natalia had changed, and she didn’t love him anymore. Anyone who would cheat obviously wasn’t in love with their partner. Everything beautiful they once had was now reduced to ruble by that bastard David Boreanaz.

The sound of Natalia moaning on the tape filled his ears. The anger was erased and filled with a need to please her. Gripping a fist full of Carina’s hair, Justin thrust upwards, trying to mimic the motions of his younger self pounding away at Natalia.

It was almost like it was real, it was almost like he really was fucking Natalia, and giving it to her the way she begged for it. He bit down on his lip, hard enough so blood trickled down his chin. Justin’s obsession would be his downfall.

He was feening for an orgasm and another snort of coke. Those were the only things that gave him any sort of pleasure and comfort anymore. It was coming down to that was the only things he needed to survive an empty life without her.

His fall back into drugs had started innocently enough, Justin promised himself that he wouldn’t let himself get addicted again, he would just use the drugs as an out when life got to heavy for him. Soon life was becoming too troubled everyday and Justin was snorting more and more.

When Natalia cheated on him, coke became his out, it transferred him to a world where he didn’t need anything else but his drugs and memories. He did manage to cut back when he thought he was getting her back, but that turned out to be a load of bullshit.

“Natalia… “ Her name slipped from his mouth as his delusions ran through his distorted mind. “I love you…I love you… I fucking hate you!!” Cumming hard, he slipped back into his reality, where Carina was staring at him like he was absolutely insane.

“You fucking psycho… you almost choked me!” Carina coughed and rubbed her throat.

“Deal with it.” Justin hissed and climbed out of the bed. He immediately shut the TV off, not wanting to look at the deceitful face on his fallen angel any longer.

An image, a video, a memory… they were nothing in comparison to the real thing. Walking to the dresser, Justin opened a small box where 3 fat lines of coke were waiting to be snorted. A rush hit him quickly, and the Mafia Lord stared at his reflection in the mirror. Dark circle adorned his dark blue eyes; he looked empty, broken and depressed.

If Natalia only knew this was all her fault.

“Why don’t you just forgive her already? I mean I like this job and all… the money is great… but you really look like your falling apart.” Carina spoke from the bed. He glanced up and stared at the beautiful girl pulling on her clothes.

“Did I ask for your opinion?”

            “No… I just”

            “Just shut up. You’re money is on the night stand. I have work… I’ll call you later so we can get together again.”

            With that, Justin walked to one of his newly acquired warehouses where Eduardo Diaz was being held captive.

**

            “You went back to him behind my back?” My Mother asked, obviously hurt that I had kept so much from her. I shook my head yes and just stared at the floor, not ashamed of what I did, but ashamed that I couldn’t be honest with my Mother.

            I had begun the story after she brewed us some coffee, which I was downing. I was living off coffee lately, it was the only thing I could really hold down without throwing up.

            “I love him, Mom. I know his life is dangerous… and I know that you dislike him… but something about him always draws me back to him. So I went back… but there was someone else still there. Unfinished business so to speak.”

            “You were dating another man?”

            “For a little while… yes... And Justin found out that I was cheating on him and things didn’t go over very well.” I sighed and looked down at my white mug. “I think David is the biggest regret of my life.”

            “Maybe it was all for the best, Natalia…” My Mother put her hand on mine. “This just will give you the opportunity to be on your own and focus on your work and family.”

            “If only it were that easy…. Mami… that is just the first half of the story…”

            “Ave Maria…”  

            “Okay… so after that Justin just started to try and make me jealous. I knew he was upset about everything that happened, so in turn everything he did was a way to try and hurt me in return. So he started dating another girl, he would say and do cruel things; I see now that it was only to make me feel as bad as he felt, and if he only knew that I probably felt worse.” I wiped a stray tear away and looked down. “But I tried to be strong throughout it all… and then on my birthday Justin changed and started to be nice. He took me out with the twins and it was really nice. It was like he was starting to just look past everything that happened…”

            “And you’re back together with him?” She stared at me angrily, causing me to look down to the floor.

            “I was… for a week or two… and then I found out some stuff about David… some bad things. I went to go sort it out…and Justin saw me with him and got the wrong idea. He freaked out and …. I’ve never seen him so violent and angry…”

            I wasn’t going to cry… I wasn’t going to cry! If I kept repeating that enough maybe I would actually not cry. That shit definitely did not work, because the water works started soon after.

            “I don’t understand how these things could have happened to you, Natalia. Me duele tanto to see how much you and Andrew are both suffering for the sins Eduardo y tu papa committed.”

            “What?” I looked at my Mother confused and stunned. This new revelation was almost too much for me to comprehend. My Father was involved in drug dealing and the Mafia? How could I have not known about this?

            “Nothing… just tell me the rest of what happened.” Isabel Fuentes said as she stood up and started to tidy up the table. I knew she didn’t want to make eye contact with me in fear of revealing the truth which was already so evident.

            “Dad was in the Mafia like Uncle Eduardo…. Wait… you knew all along that Eduardo was in the Mafia?”

            I sat back as the lies that held up my family came tumbling down. It was crazy how one sentence made everything fall into place.

            “Your Father and Uncle were into a lot of bad things. I just was under the impression that Eduardo had stopped.”

            “How did you not tell me something like that? How do you not tell Andy something like that?”

            WHOA! Okay. So does that make me like a Mafia daughter or something? Oh God. I was like in the same ranks as Tommy. Um… that’s kind of a scary though actually. No wonder why I’m always dating Mafia related men… I’m a fucking Mafia daughter.

            “Natalia there are just some things that are hard to say. Where would I have began? You seem to think that everything is so simple… I’ve lived a very hard life… and I admit that I’ve made bad mistakes. But I didn’t know what to do…” She sighed and looked down. “Now you know…I don’t know if this will help you or harm you… but you know the truth now.”

            “This is what happens when people aren’t honest! Mami, we could have avoided the kidnapping and Andrew ruining his life if you would have been open with us!”

            “I thought that was all in the past! Your Tio Eduardo swore to all of us that he was out of that life, he chose Ramona and his children over it, he claimed. Your Father on the other hand, chose to let his greed control him.”

            So that was the reason my parents divorced? My Dad had his addictions but my Mom tried to stick by him; I guess when it came down to it, I really was living a paralleled life with my Mother. My parents inevitably split up because she couldn’t handle the violent lifestyle.

            Oh God.

            “Oh Mami… I see it all so clearly now…I understand why you hated Justin so much. I understand why you didn’t want to speak to me or Andrew.” I put my hand on my Mothers and watched her as she stared off with the pain etched on her face. “It must have been so horrible for you to watch your family commit the same errors that went on years earlier.”

            “I wanted nothing more than to save my family… including mi hermano. I wanted so badly to see everyone happy and living normal healthy lives. That’s why we came to Los Estados Unidos in the first place, to leave the poverty in Spain, and start a new life in the land of opportunity. I met your Father who escaped from Cuba; and he had such dreams… but as soon as he got involved in the drugs, he changed and so did everything else.”

            “And you were just trying to protect us from the same fate.”

            “Yes, I thought I had done a good job, Andrew was in Medical School… you were in College… and then everything changed once again, and I was very scared.”

            I hugged my Mother, not knowing what else to do at a moment like this. There were so many more questions that I was dying to know the answer to, but I didn’t want to overwhelm my Mother. Everything that had happened was probably extremely draining on her, I just wanted her to feel better.

            “Rest tonight, Mami… tomorrow we’ll go see Andrew… and maybe take the twins so they can meet their Uncle Andy. We’re going to try to get him out of jail and back into Medical school. You are going to have your two professional children and we are going to make you proud.”

            My Mother didn’t say anything in response, but a tear rolled down her face. I know she wanted nothing more but to see what I was saying transformed into a reality.

I had to make it real for her. Fuck everything else that was unimportant, my family needed to come first.