Chapter 43

            I sat on Ricky’s shoulders in the so called pit of a Papa Roach concert. Okay seriously, I love Papa Roach and all, but the little kids that actually think that a pit at a Papa Roach show is hard would probably get killed at a Lamb of God concert. Fucking posers. I’d laugh hysterically if I got to see half of them do the Wall of Death.

            I’m also a bitch at concerts, I usually hate the people that sit on other peoples shoulders, but I decided to fuck everyone over that stood behind us. They seriously did not need to see as much as I did. Haha.

            Anyway, Ricky and I sang along to every lyric while everyone around us only sang to the hits like “Last Resort” and “Scars.” Did I mention that I hate little kids like that? Oh I did? Oh well.

            “Okay I really didn’t think they’d be that good live.” Ricky screamed to me over the music.

            “Oh yee of little faith.” I patted him on the shoulder and laughed.

            The band was playing “Forever” and I felt chills run up and down my spine. It was completely my song to Justin, my feelings for him were forever. Everything he gave me was so beautiful, especially our children. I couldn’t thank him enough for giving me my reasons for existence.

            “In the brightest hour of my darkest day, I realized what is wrong with me. Can't get over you, Can't get through to you…It's been a helter skelter romance from the start. Take these memories that are haunting me of a paper man cut into shreds by his own pair of scissors. He’ll never forgive her…he’ll never forgive her.” Jacoby sang and jumped straight into the audience.

            Those lyrics were so insanely true. I sat on Ricky’s shoulders, stunned at how perfectly words could fit my scenario. I let the music hit me and got lost in the music.

            How could I let go of the man I had loved for so long? Was that even possible? A small tear fell from my eye, which I tried to ignore.

            This had to be the end of the pain. My rainbow after the storm. I know those all seem like just pretty thoughts, but maybe this time it would be real. I wasn’t hoping for a reconciliation, but just some sort of peace between us, at least for the twins sake.

            “BECAUSE DAYS COME AND GO… BUT MY FEELINGS FOR YOU ARE FOREVER! BECAUSE DAYS COME AND GO BUT MY FEELINGS FOR YOU ARE FOREVER!”

**

Sometimes I really feel like I’m living in a dream, a sort of fucked up mirrored version of what my life used to be like. I look at the way my life was a year ago in comparison to now and I wish I had the so called “problems” that I did then. Then again maybe I just wish too much.

“I want to see my children today. Bring them ASAP. I’m fucking serious.” Came Justin’s angry voice from my voicemail. That was the 5th time I listened to the message. Should I stay or should I go? Should I trust him at all? Was it all just the same song and dance?

“Don’t go Natalia… por favor… I don’t trust him.”

“They are his children too… I need to appease him, Mami. He’s dangerous.” I said softly, I didn’t fully believe that I was doing the right thing, but I just had to suck it up and be a grown up for once.

“What if this is just another trick to hurt you?”

“I just have to hope he’s more mature than that.”

“You know he isn’t.” My Mom reasoned which just led me to exhale loudly. I knew all of those things, I knew my husband better than anyone else on the earth, well maybe I thought I did.

“I guess I’ll only known the answer when the time comes.”

Okay, so I wasn’t expecting some sort of far fetched fairytale to occur when Justin and I saw each other. I knew that this was the real world and that we would not be getting back together. Justin wasn’t going to sweep me up into his arms and all would be forgiven, things just weren’t that simple.

“What if he takes los ninos away?”

“Justin knows that the kids need me and I know that they need him. We have an understanding…” I said, knowing well hoping something perfectly well. Justin grew up from age 10 or so without a mother. I didn’t think he’d want the twins to go through the same thing.

Maybe I was trying to give him more credit than he deserved. I guess I just wanted to believe that there was a little good left in him. It was probably all in vein though.

“Please be careful Natalia. I really don’t have a good feeling about this.” My heavy accented Mother begged. I looked away from her and prayed that for the first time in my life; maybe my Mother would be wrong about something.

“Trust me…I know theres some good left in him. I just think it’s hidden under all his anger. He’ll get over it and come to realize that we need to stop being selfish and do what’s right for the twins.”

“Mijita, I hope so.”

I remembered what happened the last time that I saw Justin under these circumstances. I just prayed that it wouldn’t end up the same way. I guess my words weren’t only trying to convince my Mother, they were also trying to convince myself of the same.

 **

All he needed was a quick pick me up and then he’d stop. That was what Justin told himself the first time he went back on coke. Things in his business were so hard and Natalia was refusing to forgive him for the Paris fiasco.

The cocaine high gave him a temporary relief from the anxiety and stress. Everything disappeared when he was high and he was left in a euphoric state. The highs were always great; it was the downs that killed him. A horrible depression would follow, it was something so unbearable.

Maybe that was why he went back or maybe it was because of the constant drama in his life, either way Justin just didn’t care anymore. 

“Are you okay?” Carina asked suddenly, knocking Justin out of his thoughts.

“Yeah… fine.” Justin stated and ran his hand down his face.  He was feeling the familiar symptoms of needing another hit. He hated that feeling and knew that as soon as it came, he had to do whatever it took to get rid of it.

“You don’t look it…”

“Do I fucking pay you to talk? Get the fuck on the bed and spread your legs.” Justin hissed after taking a hit of that substance that took him away from all the pain. The white powder that was consuming his life slowly turning him into a zombie, was no longer his friend, it was his enemy that he loved.

“You’re a fucking asshole.”

“Shut your mouth woman.” Justin raised his hand, ready to make contact with Carina’s cheek, when suddenly the door bell rang. “I’ll deal with you in a minute.”

Running to the door while buttoning his shirt and wiping the excess cocaine off his nose, Justin hoped to God that it was that fucking bitch that broke his heart. It was time to get revenge. It was time to make her hurt the way he did.

Now was the time.

He opened the door with a cocky smile on his face. Natalia stood with their two children; she looked beautiful and sexy at the same time, always dressed to impress but with a purity that added to her charm. A peasant style gray skirt that rested just at mid thigh and a white tank top left little to Justin’s imagination. He wanted every bit of her and to break her at the same time. He wanted to please her and then reduce her to a mess of tears.

“I missed my two favorite people in the whole world.” Justin grinned and turned his attention on his two adorable children who were hugging him tightly. Sometimes he wanted to just take them, and find another woman to be there mother, but that was when he’d realize that there was no one better for him than her.

She just had to repent for her sins and face the same pain he did. That was the only way she could learn.

“Daddy I learned how to write my name!” Samantha exclaimed with a smile. “Wanna see?!”

“I can’t wait to see. I’m so proud of you both.” Justin knelt down and gave them both a kiss on the cheek. He was proud of his children, they were everything good that he was, and a proof that he and Natalia were happy once upon a time. “Why don’t you guys go inside and start practicing for me?”

“Okay Daddy.” A cheeky smile was shot to Justin by Samantha and a nervous glance was shot to Natalia by Nikolas. Nikolas was the tiny protector of his Mother, it was almost cute to Justin, but then he’d remember that Natalia deserved pain.

Making sure to close the door behind the twins who he knew were in good hands with Carina; Justin leaned against the door frame and stared at Natalia who was avoiding his gaze.

“You’re so predictable.”

“Excuse me?” Natalia’s eyes shot up and a look of confusion adorned her angelic face.

“You coming here with a tight little outfit. Do you really think it has that much of an affect on me anymore?”

“I didn’t wear this for you.” She retorted.

“Right… you wore it for David who is probably waiting outside to fuck you.” Justin smirked darkly. “Good for him.”

“I didn’t come here to argue with you.” Natalia was pretending to be strong; it was so obvious that she was lacking the strength she was trying to portray. Justin knew her so well, Natalia was like a little child that liked to tell herself stories to make herself less afraid.

Fucking bitch didn’t deserve that satisfaction.

“Sure, whatever. Nat, baby girl, I know you so well. I bet you cry every night because you know you fucked up. Not Ricky or Savannah can absolve you of the pain you feel cause you know you lost the best thing that ever happened to you.” Justin moved closer to Natalia, pretending to wipe an invisible tear from her face. Natalia only grew angry at his touch and pushed away to his surprise. “Aww… the truth hurts don’t it baby?”

“It must really eat you up inside that I had to go fuck someone else because you just didn’t do it for me. News flash, JT, I faked it every single time.” Natalia lied. Justin was both amused and angry at her behavior; she had grown a slight backbone; he’d make sure to crush it. “And I don’t cry… I moved on to much bigger and better things.”

“I highly doubt they are bigger or better.” Justin smirked at Natalia; he knew quite well that he was under her skin from the moment that he had opened the door to her. It just made Justin get off on the fact that she was so vulnerable. He had her right where he wanted her.

“If we can’t speak civilly to each other Justin then maybe we shouldn’t speak at all? This is for the twins’ benefit… not ours. Stop being a selfish prick and realize that you are not God and you never will be… no matter how much money you have.”

With that, Natalia turned around to leave; oh she wasn’t going to get away that easily, not a chance in hell was that happening. Natalia was not going to have the last word in this, she was the one who caused all the pain, she was the one that deserved to pay.

He watched her walk to the stairway of his hotel. She just seemed so desperate to get away from him, to just disappear into a world where she could pretend he was the bad guy. Maybe he was, but still she was no angel herself.

“Where do you think you’re going, beautiful?” Justin pushed Natalia against the wall; his hands groping her hips while his hot breath tickled her neck softly. He knew the exact ways to touch her to make her putty in his hands.

“J-Justin… what are you doing?” Her voice cracked nervously. She tried to push away from his embrace but only felt his physical desire for her. Natalia bit her lip, obviously trying to control herself, while small kisses were placed on her neck.

“Sshhh….” Silencing her was feeble, but he did want her. He wanted every part of her, even what she had given to that bastard that wasn’t worthy of her. Justin wasn’t even sure if he himself was worthy of her.

Either way, he still had to have her. She was his angel after all, and he was certain that once upon a time, she did love him.

His hand slowly reached up her skirt, rubbing her inner thigh softly. God, how he loved her. Every inch, every curve, every freckle was pure perfection that was only supposed to be his. It wasn’t fair. The only person that had ever loved him had destroyed him.

Justin was going crazy without Natalia. Nights without her by his side were ripping him apart inside. It was a torture that made death seem more pleasant than life without her.

            “She must think I’m crazy… maybe I am…” Justin thought to himself, his arms stretched out on either side of her, cradling her into the wall. If she moved this moment would be over, and he couldn’t handle it. He NEEDED her.

            His pants were soon at his ankles and quickly he was inside her. The beautiful girl who he ached for, cried for, loved. Justin wanted to forgive her at that moment, just take her right there and let her make everything better.

            Nothing could ever be better again.

            He had begun moving softly, making love to her, but soon his anger got the best of him. She deserved to be treated like a whore. Natalia clutched on to the wall in front of her, panting, loving every motion. Loving her wasn’t enough, hating her wasn’t enough, nothing was enough. This woman drained him, making all his emotions haywire when he was around her. Justin hated and loved it.

            “Justin… I…ahh… I love you…”

            He flinched at the words that came out of her mouth, he wasn’t sure how to feel. It was all a lie, something to manipulate him further. Gripping her hips, he pulled out of her and flipped her around, he wanted to look into her eyes, stare at her and make her understand how he felt.

            Natalia looked into his eyes with so much trust and love. It made him want to forget everything. Justin wanted so badly to take her and the twins and disappear, start over. A dream that was too good to be true.

            Plunging his cock back into her, he resumed his hard pace, just glaring into her eyes. Most likely she was going to have bruises on her back from being slammed repeatedly into the wall; if this was going to be the last time he’d have her, he’d make damn sure that she would remember it well.

            Natalia hadn’t noticed the anger in his eyes, she was too busy relishing in the moment. The Mafia Don already knew how he’d hurt her after this was all done. Have her endure some of the pain and embarrassment that he felt.

            He massaged her breasts, ignoring her advances to kiss him. He wouldn’t let her lips touch his. Not after she had been kissing David once again. It was like Pretty Woman, the movie Natalia had forced him to watch once. If you don’t kiss someone, you won’t allow yourself to feel anything for them, you won’t let love in. Atleast that was what he was trying to tell himself.

            “JUSTIN! I’m gonna… mmm!” She moaned, finally reaching her peak. Just watching her body tense and her face contort with pleasure was enough to send him over the edge with her. She squeezed and released her walls around his cock as she came, making him lose it. He came into her, spilling his warm cum inside her.

            The moment was over, the pleasure was soon gone. The anger remained. The feelings he just couldn’t move past. “Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice, shame on me.” Carina had told him those words once; they stung him until he accepted that they were true. She wouldn’t and couldn’t fool him a third time.

**

            Recap. Justin and I just had sex after getting into a huge argument. Okay, I know that’s happened before but it was weird. There was so much anger in him almost a look of hate when he stared into my eyes. I was scared, I mean I didn’t even know what brought upon the sex in the first place but he was just cold. It was like he was dead to the world.

            That wasn’t the Justin I knew.

            “Thanks for that babe.” He practically dropped me to the floor and quickly pulled his pants up. I frowned at him, still not understanding what was going on.

            I guess as silly as it sounds, I thought that sex would be the cure for what was going on. I know I have false hope, but I truly believed that him doing this would make him forgive me, and make him understand that I always loved him.

            Never said I was a smart girl.

            He turned his back to me and fumbled around his pockets. I stupidly watched him, not understanding what was going on. How could he just turn so cold in the matter of seconds? After all that?

            Justin turned to me after what felt like years; “Oh this is for you.”

            I looked down at my hands and saw divorce papers staring me in the face. I didn’t want to cry, I couldn’t do it in front of him. Weakness was not an option at this moment. How was this happening?

            My mind was running at a thousand miles per minute. I felt like I was suffocating; my biggest fear was realized and I couldn’t do anything about it. Justin had just used me and now he was discarding me like a piece of trash. How could this be the same man that I fell so deeply in love with?

            “Oh.” I finally managed to get out.

            He couldn’t even look at me. Justin was too much of a coward to look me in the eyes and tell me it was over. I just gave him the fakest smile I could manage at the moment, my eyes were quickly brimming with tears but I doubted he would care. He was just that heartless.

            “Drop the kids off with my Mom tomorrow.” I wrapped my arms around myself and walked away.

            Everything my life had ever meant was to be with him. Things made sense, Justin and I made sense, and now it was at an end. I couldn’t pretend to believe the lies that we would get back or that I was okay with it. I wasn’t okay and I was certain that I’d never be again.