Chapter 44
Emptiness. Sorrow. Pain. That’s all I could feel on what seemed like the endless ride home to my Mother’s home. The memories of my kidnapping, to my first summer in NY with Justin played in my head like a Lifetime movie gone wrong. I used to joke about that entire scenario, but at the end of the day, it spoke nothing but truth. We had lived such a fucked up life with endless amounts of drama, but I knew at the end of the day, I could always count his love and support.
How could things change so much? How could a simple event set off a domino effect that forever changed my life? I hated life, I hated fate, I hated more than anything that I still loved him.
How could I ever move on from something that defined me so greatly? The man kidnapped me, who saved me from myself and who gave me my two precious babies could never be replaced. I’d never find anyone who even came close to what Justin used to be… before everything that was the business corrupted him.
Here is the place we used to go,
We were laughing.
Hand in hand walking down the road,
We were happy.
Here is the corner where said,
Kiss me stupid,
I remember you in red.
We were something good,
We were something yea....
Weren't we something...
Nick Lachey’s voice came through the speakers of my car and I automatically knew that driving in the emotional state I was in would be a joke. I needed to live, not for myself but for my children. They needed me right now, most importantly because their father was losing his mind.
A light rain was falling on the streets, thankfully it was an abnormally warm day in New York, thank you Global Warming… or not. It’s kind of scary that in about 50 years or so, the normal temperature of the earth will be about 10 degrees higher than the current average. But whatever, I won’t get into that.
I closed my eyes and relaxed my head against the seat, focusing only on the sound the raindrops were making against my car. I hadn’t let myself cry just yet, I just allowed the pain to build up inside me, like a knot that was slowly tightening around my stomach. I was so tired of crying, so tired of feeling so much for one person. It was physically exhausting me.
Here's the diner where we meet,
On your lunch break.
Corner table,
Just you and me,
On a Monday.
In the rain,
We ran and ran,
To your apartment.
You called in sick to work again.
We were something good,
We were something yea....
Would some be...
It hurt more than I imagined, the realization that the person I loved so much was no more. Justin had always been slightly rough around the edges, having to be completely masculine and pretending he was in charge. In reality, he let me do whatever I wanted, no matter how crazy the idea was, or how much it was. In the end all he wanted to do was make me happy.
Oh how times had changed. He only wanted me miserable now.
My eyes began to water, but I still wouldn’t let myself cry. It was pointless to cry over something that was never coming back. Memories would only remain of the countless fights, of the love and the happiness. God, I was so happy once upon a time. Our babies were proof of that; a proof that would forever leave me longing for the past that could never be again. The family that my kids would never get the chance to grow up with.
You're in my head,
You're under my skin.
You're everywhere,
But here, but here
Its a mystery,
How you can be,
Everywhere but here...
You're everywhere but here..
You everywhere but here..
You everywhere but here.
We were something good,
We were something yea....
Would some be..
The ringing of my cell phone knocked me out of my horrible thoughts. I knew automatically that it was my Mother, the sound of Mana had given that away quickly. She was most likely worried, and waiting for me to come home. Time had passed so quickly that I didn’t even realize that it was already mid afternoon. Time has a funny way of sneaking up on you. By funny I mean miserable.
I hit the ignore button on my phone; I really didn’t want to talk to anyone. A few more minutes of sanity were all I needed to get through the rest of the day. A day where Justin wouldn’t be in my life. I was being overdramatic maybe, I know he’s just some guy that I loved, but he was my best friend too. Justin played more than one role in my heart, that’s what was making the moment so hard.
There was no one else that I had ever felt so completely comfortable with. I mean, Ricky comes in a close second, but it’s in a different way. Justin completed me as a person, a part of me would be forever missing.
An explosion inside my body came, and tears began to fall. I couldn’t hold back the waterfall that cascaded down my eyes. It was inevitable that the pain would overwhelm me and break me once again. That’s all I was lately, easily broken.
You're in my head,
You're under my skin.
You're everywhere,
But here, but here
Its a mystery,
How you can be,
Everywhere but here...
Listening to Nick Lachey’s song, “Everywhere but Here” one too many times had gotten to me I guess. The pain of his coldness made me feel like I was no one to him any longer. He was warping my mind with thoughts of the cruel treatments. I knew that I had messed up with David, but in the end I didn’t deserve that treatment.
What goes around come around, whatever, I was a bitch to Justin but I wasn’t completely heartless. At least in my mind I wasn’t. I was upset but I still spoke to him like a human being, I always caved in and let him know I never stopped loving him. Most importantly, I never gave him divorce papers. I always wanted to work things out, despite how much I outwardly protested. In the back of my mind, I always hoped for reconciliation between us.
Love don’t love me anymore I guess.
I’d give myself time to grieve, but in solace. The last thing I wanted was people fawning over me and telling me how sorry they were. They fucking weren’t as sorry as I was. What pisses me off more is when people are like, “oh I know what you’re going through”, yeah I don’t think you do, so shut the fuck up. Ugh, now I’m becoming bitter, this isn’t like me at all.
I don’t want to become a stereotypical girl who divorces her husband and turns to stone. That’s just not me either. Then again, I don’t know who me is anymore.
I picked up my cell phone and hit send on the missed call list from my Mother. “Hi Mami… I’m on my way home.”
“Natalia, Mija are you alright?”
“Yeah…I’m fine. I’m driving home right now… I just stopped to talk to Monique about a new article she wants me to write.”
The lies slipped out so easily, but it was with good reason. I didn’t want to hear my Mom yammer on about how this was the best thing for me, how Justin was doing me a favor. It didn’t feel like a favor; it was more like a knife through my heart.
“Oh… okay.” Isabel was silent on the other line and I knew she didn’t believe me. Fuck, with the way I sounded, probably hoarse and teary, I wouldn’t believe me either.
“Do you have any tea or something? I think I caught a cold or something. I feel very run down.”
“It’s probably Mal De Ojo!! I told you that going to see that bastard was wrong.”
Now going to bring my kids to see their father would bring evil eye? I wanted to laugh, but it hurt too much. Hispanics and their superstitions always make me laugh somehow. It was really hard to believe in anything anymore.
“Oh Mom, stop! I was just outside in the cold and I got a little sick. I just need you to make me a soup for when I come home.”
“Okay, just hurry home.”
I exhaled deeply and explained to my Mother that I’d be home quickly. Pain was pouring out of my wounds, there was nothing more I could do other than seal up the hurt and move on. No more whining, or bitching… life wasn’t about ME anymore.
One step at a time, it’d be okay in the end. Years from now I’d look back and admire myself for getting through this.
**
Days passed but the feelings stayed the same. Suffocation of the worst kind enveloped me. A bitter disillusionment was now my life, and I was forced to live everyday pretending everything was perfect. Fake smiles and laughter hid the screaming inside my body. If my resolve didn’t crumble, I’d be definitely proud of myself.
“Hey… hello? Where are you today?” Ricky’s hand was waved in my face impatiently.
I was spacing out more than usual, turning into one of those stereotypical authors who kept everything inside, sans for writing. I didn’t want to do that, but at the same time, it seemed a lot better than burdening everyone with my troubles.
“You alive there?”
“Yes, just a little stressed out from work.” Little white lies are sometimes necessary.
“You work too damn much. You don’t even need to. You’re like a schmillionare.” Ricky joked. I rolled my eyes at him, not wanting to go into detail that I wasn’t the one with the money, my asshole ex was the one with the money. “We should go out… we never do anymore.”
“We go out and trouble seems to follow us.”
“Not really…Well, maybe it does… but come on… it’s been forever since we went to a nice bar, single as we are and had a few drinks.”
No! My mind screamed; getting drunk isn’t going to take away the problems at hand. Going to a fucking bar was not going to make me feel better. Nothing but time could make me feel good again.
I looked up at Ricky and noticed how depressed he looked as well. He hadn’t been feeling great either due to the whole Louis situation. Silently, I contemplated if maybe I should just go to help Ricky through his pain. Obviously mine was not going to change, and if being selfless for my friend was the only way to make things better then I was all for it.
“If you want to go… I’ll go.”
Giving me a quick hug, Ricky went about talking, mostly to himself, about which bar we were going to and how much fun it was going to be. A few stray tears ran down my face as I began to space off again. Life would never be as simple as it used to be when I was 19 years old…before I met Justin who affected me so greatly.
