Chapter 51

            My Mother was ushering everyone into the house quickly. She darted to the kitchen and readily began cooking my brother’s favorite meal, arroz con gandules. Justin, my brother and I sat in the living room. I was too shocked to even speak.

            “You know… maybe I should just get going… you guys probably want to talk and stuff. I don’t want to intrude.” Justin was about to get out of his seat but I pushed him back down.

            “Don’t you dare leave... I want you to stay.”

            He could never say no to me, not even when he wanted to. Justin sat back down on the couch next to me and draped his arm around my shoulder. His simple action proved to me that he wasn’t going anywhere. I was extremely thankful for that.

            “Yeah, you really should stay.” Andrew smiled genuinely at him. There went my fucking sanity. I had to definitely be imagining this scenario. Andrew and Justin would never get along like this.

            “I just don’t want to mess up a special moment between y’all.”

            “Dude… seriously, just stay.” Andrew looked at Justin, giving him a look that I’m sure I wasn’t supposed to see. Something was going on. Something fucking huge that I obviously wasn’t supposed to know about. “You did something really awesome for me and the family… it’s only right that you stay and we all try and get to know each other.”

            Oh something was definitely going on. The nervous stature of Andrew and the dead look in Justin’s eyes gave it away. I swallowed hard, feeling my own anxiety build up. What the fuck was going on? Not knowing was making this scarier. The thought of my brother and husband(?) fighting again was enough to make me sick to my stomach.

            “Please Justin, stay.” I took hold of his hand, rubbing my fingertips against his smooth palm. If he was here, I could keep an eye on him. I could stop anyone from hurting him.

            I’d throw myself into the fire to protect him again. I was convinced of that.

           “Alright, angel, I’ll stay.” His warm lips pressed against my cheek as he slid back on the couch. Justin’s warm, hard body cuddled comfortingly next to mine. I sighed and pressed my head against the back of the couch.

I would not allow myself to writhe with worry. This was supposed to be a happy time. Right? I exhaled deeply, trying to put on a happy façade. My thoughts of negativity had to be moved to the back of my mind for now.

“Ven a comer!” The voice of my Mother echoed through the living room. Andrew immediately stood up and ran to the kitchen. Watching him interact with my Mother and walk around the house was like he never left.

Talk about a fucking time warp.

I looked over at Justin, glad that we finally had privacy to talk. I was ready to grill him about every detail of my brother’s release from prison and the shady behavior. Grabbing a hold of his hand, I forced myself to believe that he’d never lie to me.

“Justin, please tell me what’s going on. This is all so out of left field, is there a reason behind it? Is my brother going to help us get back at AJ and David?”

“Nat, angel, calm down.” Justin put his free hand on my shoulder and let out a short laugh in attempt to calm me. I knew better. “I just thought you could use the support from your brother. Are you not happy that I did this?”

“Of course I am-“

“Then why question it?”

“Justin.” I said in a warning tone. “If something is going on I think I deserve to know.”

“Oh my God, Nat stop being fucking paranoid.” He replied and snatched his hand out of my grasp in irritation. What was with the fucking mood swings?

It was at that moment that I noticed how tired and worn out he looked. The man of my dreams looked like shit, thin and gauntly. I mean I shouldn’t have been talking, I looked like walking death. I guess I just wasn’t used to seeing Justin look so down. Looking at him, it was almost like he had become another person. I wasn’t sure what to make of all of this.

His beautiful blue eyes were glassy and slightly red. Dark circles showed that he probably hadn’t slept in days. Besides how withdrawn he had been lately, I hadn’t paid much attention to his physical appearance. Was he not taking care of himself? Was he overworked?

“Just promise me that everything is going to be okay.” I stated, trying to ease the tension. I just couldn’t handle another fight with him. If he wasn’t going to open up to me, I wasn’t going to press it.

After all, obsessing about what was going on with him and my brother would be a lot better than relishing in my ra-. I couldn’t even bring myself to think the word. I wouldn’t name it. If I didn’t name it or speak it, maybe I could act as if it never happened. Maybe I could make it into a distant nightmare?

I wasn’t sure of how else to deal with it.

“It will, angel. Trust me.” Justin softened and placed a kiss on my forehead. He sounded so serious, it was unnerving. “Now let’s go eat… okay?”

Not waiting for my response, Justin took my hand and pulled me into the kitchen. The simple wooden table was littered with food. How typical of my Mother. It looked like the food was for twenty people rather than four. She never ceased to out due herself. It was funny though, because she hated to cook and do anything of the sort.

Justin and I sat down at the table across from Andrew. My Mom was busy running around and serving everyone, not even bothering to eat. The energy she has is amazing. For being almost 50 years old, she had the stamina of someone half her age.

“Oh my God… Mom, you don’t understand how I missed your cooking.” Andrew said in between shoveling food in his mouth. I giggled at him and shook my head. Something’s never changed, he still ate like a pig.

“Now you appreciate it!” She teased, pouring a mountain of food on mine and Justin’s plates. Isabel placed the cover on the round metal pot and walked back to her seat at the head of the table. “Now eat… all three of you are too skinny.” She should be talking; my Mom was the epitome of skinny.

On the way back to her seat, she ruffled Justin’s hair and placed a kiss on his cheek. I nearly dropped my fork in my dish. Justin seemed particularly stunned by the incident too, though he said nothing. It was probably nice for him to feel that comfort from a parental like figure. He had lost his Mother at a young age and his Father was a monumental prick. Maybe this was going to be good for him?

Family could be what saved Justin and even if they weren’t blood related, it could still help him. Maybe seeing this new normal life would push him into fixing the problems and starting new? That was really all I wanted for us, a fresh start so we could rebuild our family into something better than it was.

I wouldn’t stop until it finally happened for us. I couldn’t give up on this.

**

            Later that night, Justin stayed over. He lied with me in my childhood bedroom, making me feel safe. The monsters that lived under my bed and in my closet were dead. He was here to protect me. Still, I couldn’t sleep. The first night in months that I was supposed to be sleeping peacefully in his arms and I just couldn’t. It seemed like going to sleep was only going to make him disappear. I’d much rather stay awake and watch him sleep.

            He looked so peaceful when he slept, so innocent. Justin looked like a complete opposite of what he actually was. I wanted there to still be hope for him.

            I lied still with my head on his chest, just listening to the steady sound of his breathing. His chest moved up and down in a slow rhythm, one that used to lull me to sleep. Now I’m too scared to sleep because I don’t want this to end.

            Despite everything fucked up that had happened, today was nice. I got to experience something that I had been dreaming of. Maybe I was cracked out from all the stress in my life. Maybe I was just imagining everything. It would make perfect sense that I fucking went crazy.

            The buzzing of a cell phone sent Justin’s arm flying to the nightstand. He pressed the send button and brought the phone to his ear. Tightly, I closed my eyes and pretended to sleep. Maybe now I could understand what was going on. Eavesdropping was wrong and normally I would never get involved in his business but things were so shady with him. I needed to know what was going on so I could know if I should be worried or not. Most definitely I would be worried.

            “Yeah?” Justin said in a quiet, groggy voice. “Tommy, you find out anything about where they’re hiding out?”

            Where who are hiding out?! Was he talking about David and AJ? Oh God. He was going to put himself in danger. NO! I wasn’t going to lose him now that things were returning back to normal.

            “Upper east side? Lex and 65th? Alright. I’m taking care of this.” Justin slid out from my grasp and stood up. He seemed like he was trying to make a quick escape. Fuck. This was only going to make me worry more. “No, I don’t want you or JC coming with me. This shit is fucking personal. You know that.”

            Oh my God. He had fucking lost his mind? How was it a good idea for him to go against two, heavily armed and guarded men alone? Justin was asking for death by doing this.

           “I’ll be fine… but if I’m not… you know what to do. Just take care of Nat and the twins if anything happens, alright?” Justin listened to what Tommy was saying on the other line of the phone and sighed in what looked like anxiousness. He didn’t have to do this. I needed to let him know that. “Alright man… hopefully I’ll talk to you soon.”

            Hanging up the phone, Justin went about putting his shoes on. It was my chance to guilt him into staying. Justin was not going to fucking die. I didn’t care if we had run away and escape this life. My fragile mind couldn’t handle a world without him in it. Through all the pain we had put each other through, I still needed him. I still loved him. It was pathetic.

            “Justin… where are you going?” My voice made him freeze in his tracks.

            “Uh… just some business, angel.”

            “Don’t lie to me.”

            He eyed me, desperately trying to hide the fear on his face. He should have known better than to lie straight to my face. I wasn’t an idiot after all. Justin always appreciated that I had a brain and we were able to converse normally. The annoyed look I sent him showed that I was not at all convinced by his story.

            “Nat, I’m not lying. I just have something to do… I’ll be back soon.” He said, barely above a whisper.

            Now I knew that I’d have to use innocence to get my way. Not to mention guilt. “Baby, I don’t want you to go. Do you really have to?” I batted my eyelashes for effect.

            “Don’t do this to me right now.” Justin sighed, placing a large hand on his forehead. “I have to go. Okay? The faster I go the faster I’ll be back.”

            I studied his face, wondering how I could convince him to stay. This wasn’t going to be easy. When it came to business and his honor, Justin was as macho and old fashioned as they came. Sometimes, I wanted to scream at him to turn off the fucking testosterone. It blocked his ability to think clearly and act rationally.

            “Justin, please. I don’t want you to go. I have a really bad feeling.” Now I was sounding pathetic. I hated that I had to resort to begging.

            I moved from under the covers and climbed towards the edge of the bed. My blue eyes were wide as I tried to give my best puppy dog impression. I should have just gotten my puppy Mio and held him up to Justin. He probably would have done a better job of winning Justin over.

            “Just try and sleep alright? Give me an hour, two tops. Alright?” Slowly I grew frustrated at him for not giving in to my demands. It must have been more serious than I thought.

            “J…”

            “Enough Natalia.” He pulled on his coat, finally turning his back to me. With that action, I knew that Justin was not going to allow me to persuade him to stay. I’d have to take actions into my own hands. “I’ll be back soon. I love you… okay?”

            “If you loved me, you’d care about my feelings and that I need you to stay with me right now.”

            “Oh God.” He slumped down on the edge of the bed, still not looking at me. I could tell he was angry and doing his best not to raise his voice at me. After what he had put my through for all those months, I still automatically stiffened at the slightest hint of his temper.

            It made me wonder if I could ever really forget about what went on between us. No. I forced the thoughts out of my mind, not allowing myself to believe that there was no salvation for Justin and I. I was too stubborn to believe anything other than what I wanted to.

            Not once did I think about my children either. This back and forth situation Justin and I had going on was probably making them miserable. I didn’t want them to hold onto sad memories of their childhood, something that was supposed to be a happy time. My head was racing with thoughts, though pathetically and selfishly, I wanted my marriage with Justin to work out. I couldn’t fathom the thought of not being with him. I mean, was there actually a chance for us to separate and remain on amicable terms? HA! Yeah, good one.

            “I don’t mean to pressure you… I’m just worried Justin. I can’t lose you. The twins can’t lose you. I’m begging you right now, please send someone else to go.”

            “Nat, baby girl, I don’t have that luxury. I have to go and settle things. Trust me, I would rather stay in that nice warm bed and cuddle with you but I just can’t.”

            “You don’t have to do anything you don’t want to.” I replied bitterly. He didn’t respond to me, instead he cupped my face in his hands and stared into my eyes for a short moment. He always knew what to do to shut me up.

            “I love you.” His forehead rested against mine and suddenly, I wanted to cry. Justin was acting like he was saying goodbye to me. My throat closed up and I had to fight the sob down. He couldn’t do this.

            “I love you too.”

            His warm mouth pressed against mine for the first time in months. It was a genuine kiss, There was no anger behind it, no emotions bottled up, God I remembered a happier, carefree time in our lives. The question still lingered in my mind, could we ever get back to the basics?

            His slick tongue entered my mouth and swirled around my own in a lazy pattern. No one ever kissed like Justin did. He had this unique way of moving his tongue and nibbling on my lips that made melt right into him. Of course, I knew he’d had much practice before me. Justin’s past was shady putting it lightly, but from what I gathered, he had his share of sexual relationships. They all trained him to be the perfect lover.

            My hand was moving wildly through his hair. The intensity in the kiss was something I hadn’t been expecting. I guess part of me was still scheming, trying to do anything I could to keep him in the vicinity.

           Justin pulled back from the kiss and knowingly smiled at me. “I’ll be back soon.” He exited the room quickly, not even giving me the chance to protest again. Fuck. Why did he have to do this to me?

            I sighed and placed my left hand over my forehead. There had to be a way I could stop this. I stood up and fixed the lavender comforter of my childhood bed and looked around. The engine of his Lamborghini sent my mind into a panic. A thought went through my head… a dangerous thought.

            I had to follow him. I pulled on an old sweatshirt and grabbed my car keys off of my cluttered desk. Justin wasn’t going to do this alone. I’d be with him until the end.