Chapter 53

            I quietly sobbed into Justin’s shoulder, the dull sounds of the police knocking on the door barely registered in my brain. Was this the end for me? Would I get what I deserve for killing the man that raped me? Did I even deserve punishment? Judgments for something that was absolutely justified, but who would listen to a little Hispanic nobody from Brooklyn?

            “Nat, it’s going to be okay…” Justin kept repeating in my ear. It sounded like he was trying to convince himself more than me. “Just listen to me, I need you to follow along with what I say.”

             I gazed up into his eyes, nodding in obedience. Justin would protect me. He knew how to handle situations like these. I just had to have faith in him and his “Mafia abilities”. He could definitely just pay off the cops, right? Just like in the movies. All he needed to do was slip them all some fat bills and we could walk out of here together. We could start our lives over.

            It was easy to picture, the two of us moving across the country, maybe to California. It would definitely be away from New York and Florida. Those places held memories that were better off staying in the past. Justin and I would move into a white Spanish style home, raise our children in a safe environment and away from all these insane people.

            Starting over just seemed like the right thing to do. Nothing was sweeter than a beautiful home on acres of grassy knolls. I could write my books and Justin could go back to school and make an honest living. Fuck, he could do whatever he wanted because we were set for life.

            “Just stay quiet, okay?”

            Squeezing my hand, Justin looked toward the door. His face washed away any emotion, it almost frightened me. It didn’t take very long for the door to be broken down by the anxious police officers. I shivered, shielding myself deeper into Justin’s embrace. The room was quickly filling up with people and questions were being flung at Justin and I.

            I didn’t really catch any of what they were saying. Instead my face was buried in Justin’s shoulder, being comforted by his embrace and his unique scent. All I needed was for him to hold me so I could work on feeling better. No matter how futile that was, I knew that I just needed Justin to be here so everything could be okay again.

            “Nat… come here….” Tommy’s hand rested on my shoulder, I looked up at him with teary eyes. I hadn’t even noticed him come in. What did he want? Didn’t he see that I’d been through enough? Didn’t anyone understand that?

            “No.” I wound my arms tighter around Justin. I wasn’t about to let go of him. I just couldn’t. Why couldn’t everyone just disappear and leave us?

            “Don’t make this hard, Nat.” His Irish accent flooded my ears. I just swallowed hard, knowing perfectly well that I was going to be dragged off to jail. This was it for me. This was the end of a long road of suffering.

            Could I be strong one last time? Could I hold it all in until I finally just exploded? No, I couldn’t. I clenched my eyes tight and broke down into a heavier sob. All I wanted to do was crawl up into a ball on the floor. Tommy grabbed a hold of me and I tried to shove him away. Of course it was futile, he just held on to me tighter.

            “Alright cuff him…” One police officer said, grabbing hold of Justin’s wrists. My mouth dropped to the floor.

            WHAT THE FUCK?

            “NO! What are you doing?!… Let him go!” I screamed, just about kicking Tommy. That was when Justin turned to face me sadly. I could have sworn there were tears in his eyes. It just made my heart break more. Why was he doing this? Why couldn’t he explain that I was crazy and I killed this man for everyone’s own good?

            “I love you, Natalia. I’m sorry I never told you enough.” Justin smiled sadly at me. I felt my heart crumble into pieces and fall to the ground. He knew what he was doing and he was okay with it. Didn’t he care that I was not at all okay with any of this?

            “NO! JUSTIN! DON’T GO!”

            “Natalia… calm down… he’s doing this for you. He loves you.” Tommy whispered in my ear, trying to be comforting. My wails only increased. How could I not go over the edge when the love of my life was sacrificing himself for me?

          An even more important question was how were Tommy and JC going to allow something like this to happen? Did they not even care enough about Justin to want to see him out of jail? I was so completely frustrated with this situation and everyone around me. On top of it all, I was confused. Should I just admit that I was the murderer or keep my mouth closed?

            “Tommy, you can’t expect me to go along with this…” I whispered to him. I was busy staring at Justin being shoved against the wall and harshly treated. They were searching him and I wondered if it was possible for them to find something on Justin to incriminate him further.

            Justin would be too smart to let that happen though, right? He knew how to take care of the business and his dealings. He’d keep that separate. RIGHT?

            Tommy yanked me over to the corner so we could speak in privacy. It was better that he did because he spared me from having to watch Justin get dragged out of the room. I think I would have ran after him and tried to break him free. Yeah, bad news

“You have no choice in the matter… just do this and I promise you that he will be out soon.”  

            I looked at him, taking a shallow breath in, “You promise?”

            “Yes, Natalia… do you really think that we’d let Justin rot in jail?” He gave me a look which made me feel uneasy. Of course I didn’t believe that they would but what if that was inevitable? I just had to force the negative thoughts out of my brain. But would that not allow me to prepare myself for worst case scenarios?

            I just wanted to scream and vent my frustrations. I was going mad for sure this time. I knew it. These blackouts that I was having were not at all good. My sanity was certainly on the line.

            “I’m just so scared.” I confessed quietly. Tommy pulled me into another hug which I’m sure was supposed to be comforting. It wasn’t. The only person I wanted to hug me was going to prison.

            I’d always been terrified that Justin was going to end up in the slammer. His career choice wasn’t very noble; I was always scared that he was going to end up dead or in prison. Years ago I’d faced a few months of him being thought of as deceased, I don’t think I could handle him being in prison and not anywhere near me.

            “I know, but we all just have to be strong right now. This will be settled. We’re going to get the best attorneys that money can buy to get him out of this mess.” He spoke softly. “He wants this to go down this way, he just wants you to be safe and happy.”

            “I can’t be that way without him.”

            Tommy didn’t reply to me, instead he just smiled sadly and changed the subject. “Let’s get you home so you can rest, me and JC will take care of the rest.”

            I wanted to believe him so badly but I just couldn’t. I followed Tommy out and hoped that Justin and I would be reunited again. We needed a second chance at a happy ending.

**

            Tommy and JC had promised me that they would get Justin out of this mess but they never specified when. The waiting and wondering was driving me insane, especially since I had absolutely no contact with Justin. It was like he disappeared off the face of the earth. Half of me disappeared and I had no idea where it was or if it was ever coming back.

            But now Tommy had to call me and tell me that I needed to be ready to go see Justin at 1 PM. Excuse me but I had a fucking coronary. There was no warning no preparation, just a simple, “BE READY.” Tommy couldn’t have been any more considerate.

            The littlest thing would have me bouncing off the walls lately. The smart thing would be to check my ass into therapy so I could sort out my issues. But do I ever really do what’s best for me? I hide from my problems; I let them overcome me at the worst moments. I’m just detrimental to myself.

            I sat on the steps to my house, waiting for Tommy to pick me up. I really didn’t want to get behind the wheel of a vehicle in my state of mind. My blackouts were frequent, happening at moments when I was the most vulnerable and distressed. At one point, I found myself eating breakfast, alone and then the next minute, I was fully dressed. It’s like I’m a robot, going through the motions of my life but I’m not really there. I’m just not in control of my life and it’s pretty fucking scary.  I haven’t admitted that to anyone, I’m afraid to. The last thing I need is to be locked up in some mental institution for the rest of my life. The twins needed one of their parents to be with them…

            Let me be perfectly honest, I know my current condition is not only about Justin taking the fall for me. I know that the mix of everything has just hit me hard. I am smart enough to know what ails me but stupid enough not to do anything about it. I just don’t think I could ever go into therapy and open myself up to someone. You just become so vulnerable, and frankly I don’t like feeling that way. Granted, nobody does but I’d rather wallow in my pain then open up about it to another person who is probably silently judgmental.

            I’m irrational, I know.

            A car horn made me look up at Tommy’s car. I quickly stood up and made my way inside the back seat. JC was sitting in the passenger’s seat; he turned around and offered me a thin smile. I could only imagine what he and Tommy must have really thought of me, a bitch who wasn’t worth all this trouble for Justin. I mean, weren’t all there asses on the line now that he was incarcerated?

            “Hey guys…”

            They nodded their greeting to me, staying silent for the rest of the miserable ride. It was one of those tense moments that you completely dread. I really wanted to throw myself out of the side of the vehicle just so I could get away from this all. Unfortunately, I didn’t want to break my neck so I continued to sit there, just hoping that being with Justin once again would be the solution for everything.

            Maybe this was all one step closer to him being out of jail. I could only pray that Tommy and JC were taking me to see him and surprising me with his release. Miracles happen sometimes, right?

            I slumped back into my chair, taking deep breaths in. There was no need to have another blank spell. This could work out for the best. This could be my second chance at happiness renewed. Positive thoughts would keep me from going over the deep end.

**

            Justin sat in his prison dining hall, doing his best to ignore the taunts from his fellow inmates. No one realized who he was or what he was capable of. Justin chose to ignore, not because he was afraid but because he wanted to avoid as much confrontation as possible. It had been a grueling month in prison; the first two weeks were the worst thanks to his period of withdrawal.

He was placed in the hospital wing of the jail where he was treated for the physical aspects of his addiction. It was a grueling process and still was, but for the most part Justin was beginning to see things a lot more clearly. His behavior over the past few months was inexcusable; the only right thing that he did during that time was take the fall for Natalia. It was the least he could do to prove to her that he was sorry.

“Thanks, pretty boy.” One of the inmates smiled cruelly at Justin as they picked up his tray and scurried off. Justin rolled his eyes; it wasn’t like he even enjoyed the food anyway.  The inmate was doing him a favor.

Justin was just so angry at himself for getting so deep into the drugs, for letting his passions rule him and for ultimately affecting Natalia and his children with his lifestyle. He was a selfish individual and he hoped to change for the well being of his family. He would not become like the ridiculous people around him that held onto something that simply was not healthy for the other parties.

Obviously Justin put Natalia in danger as well as his precious children. He loved his family more than anything. He knew that being with them while his life was full of danger was impossible now. Maybe one day things could be different, but for now it seemed completely impossible.

A lie would be it all it takes to rid Natalia of him forever.

“Timberlake?” A prison guard walked up to Justin casually. His tone was filled with a tiny bit of mocking; it was something he was becoming used to. The harsh treatment was something he was accustomed to when living with his father and on the streets. It was like an unwelcome walk down memory lane. “You have a visitor.”

He knew that it was Natalia, he had spoken to Tommy and JC, in hopes of finally seeing her and freeing her. This would probably be the hardest thing he would ever have to do but it was completely essential. Justin just hoped that she would be happy. That was all he could ever ask for her.

**

I walked into the visiting room, one I was familiar with when visiting Andrew. The fluorescent lights gave it a classroom like feel. I remembered my own grammar school, complete with Nuns and uniforms. Those days seemed very far away now.

My eyes fell on Justin who was sitting at a table, his handcuffed hands clasped together. He was so handsome, a little tired looking but still he managed to take my breath away, even in his orange jumpsuit. His smoldering gaze always made my heart pound in my chest. I don’t think that would ever stop.

A security guard guided me to the table Justin was sitting at. Justin carefully looked at me and it truly felt like he was examining every inch of me. All I could do was smile and pray for him to speak so this awkward silence would just end.

“It’s been a while.” It came down to me to break the silence. Of fucking course. Justin just cracked a thin smile at me. “You look good.”

“Don’t lie,” He chuckled lightly.

“I’m not,” I whined. “But you always look good.”

His laugh soon ceased, making me wonder if I did something to upset him. It would be me to say the wrong things at the wrong moment. I bit my bottom lip and decided to fuck everything. May my inhibitions and fears be shot to hell, this man was my husband(?) and we loved each other. At least I could be certain about the love part.

“J, when are you getting out of here?”

“I don’t know.” He sighed, leaning back into his chair. “The case is pretty tight… and on top of that… they fucking want to put me away. They know I’m “allegedly” the head of some shady shit.”

This was my worst fear brought to life. Justin could not suffer anymore because of me. It was selfish and it was wrong. The guilt would eat me alive. How could I be okay with sending an innocent man to prison? Let alone the father of my children? This was twisted and sick.

“But there’s nothing you guys can do?”

“It’s being handled, Nat. I just wanted you to come down here so I could tell you that I want you taking care of yourself. You need to promise me that you are going to live a safe and happy life.” Justin stated sternly. He reached out and stroked my hand gently. “If you do that for me, then we can call this all even.”

CALL IT EVEN? How could we call it even?! He was throwing away the rest of his fucking life for me! The tears of anger and complete frustration over my inability to do anything fell from my cheeks. I began to wrack my brain for an answer. I just couldn’t let this happen.

“No, I won’t let you do that Justin. I’m going to confess.”

“Because they’ll believe you?” He laughed bitterly. “Please Natalia, I have a record and more of a reason to have killed AJ. They want it to be me, so just let them have their fun. You need to concentrate on relaxing and taking care of the twins.”

I glared at him, not liking this new attitude. He was trying to be a martyr when he shouldn’t.

“If we tell them what happened… maybe they’ll understand?”

“Ha, no. Natalia, what are we going to say? The truth that is so completely fucked up? Are we going to go and incriminate JC and Tommy with the truth? You need to think things out and stop acting irrationally for once.”

“It’s hard not to think straight when I’m being faced with living my life without you.” I said, swallowing hard. I was so completely powerless, it was completely killing any bit of hope I had left, along with my sanity.

“You just have to accept that, I have.”

Those cold words pierced right through my heart like a dagger. How could I consent to living the possibly next 20 or so years without him? That was never in my plan. Now all hope was diminishing and I was being forced to just consent with moving on? How could I move on after a love like that?

“I won’t.”

“We signed divorce papers, if you remember correctly. It’s done.” He withdrew his hands from mine.

I was rocking back and forth in my seat now, my arms wrapped around myself. Everything was crashing down around me. All hope was completely lost now. My tears wouldn’t fall and for once I wanted them to. I wished that I was blubbering instead of looking like the insane person that I was slowly becoming.

“Justin… a piece of paper doesn’t have to cancel our feelings for each other. Don’t give up on our family. Please…” I begged him.

“I won’t do this to you anymore Nat. I won’t make you live in a life of danger.” Justin was looking down at the table instead of my face. It was like he was purposely detaching himself from me, from every feeling we shared. Seeing this was breaking me down even more.

“But I love you and I know you love me. We can work through this, fuck we’ve worked through worse!”

He closed his eyes tightly and his face was completely blank as he spoke. “No, I don’t love you anymore.”

I choked back a sob, completely dizzied by his words. He didn’t love me anymore? When did this fucking happen? Why? I refused to believe him. The last shreds of my sanity depended on that.

“YOU’RE A LIAR! YOU FUCKING COWARD!” I screamed, so loudly and so deeply that it even surprised me. Justin didn’t bother to look up or show that he was affected. My rage burned deeper, I slammed my fist on the table where his gaze was fixated. “You can’t even fucking look at me, you bastard! You can’t even look me in the fucking eyes and tell me that!”

The door to the hallway opened and a security guard ran in. “WHAT IS GOING ON HERE?”

Justin shrugged his shoulders. “She’s having a fit. Please take her away and make sure that she is not able to visit me here again.”

The guard walked to me, grabbing a hold of my arm in his huge grip. I struggled as for the first time that afternoon, my tears fell. I flailed my limbs in a weak attempt to break free and run back at Justin. He had turned his face and was pretending like I didn’t exist. My blackout was soon to follow, I knew it. I screamed now, inaudible phrases as JC and Tommy dragged me out. They had both known all along that something was going to go down.

I hated them.

**

My life was quickly changing, the wish I always had to become Natalia Fuentes again was coming true. I had my brother back and Justin was but a distant memory. Let’s not forget that I tried my hardest to get into Ryker’s Island for a visit with Justin and was swiftly denied. The man who meant everything to me was like some dream. On my really bad days, I questioned my sanity, wondering if he really did exist. Of course, I had proof in my children, but it was easier to pretend.

Sometimes, I fought hard to get information out of Tommy and JC, to help them help Justin, but it ended up being in vein. They refused to get near me, probably wanting to hold true to Justin’s wishes of keeping me out of danger.

I’d never be safe, I’d never be happy and I most certainly would never be completely sane. How does one pick up the pieces of their broken heart and start over with two inquisitive toddlers?

I guess you’ll find out soon enough…