March 30th, 2000
Justin,
I would like an explanation as to how you and your friends sold two million albums in one week. I mean, I know teenage girls are stupid, but good lord… I fear for the future of the world. Oh… and thank you ever so much for sending me a copy of said album a week before it was out. My sister damn near mauled me trying to get her hands on it.
Believe it or not, I did listen to it. And I laughed. A lot.
I’m not quite sure what exactly a space cowboy is, but it sounds like some horrendous sexual act that would offend millions. And I won’t even comment on that internet sex song. That was just disturbing. It amazes me that people let their children listen to your music, but they get all up in arms about Eminem.
I guess it’s safe to assume that you’ll be going on tour soon, and all I ask is that you don’t send me tickets. I have no desire to watch you dance around like an idiot for two hours. Plus, I might vomit on one of your fans if I have to listen to them confess their undying love for you.
Anyway… school is getting kind of crazy with graduation coming up. However I’m sure Trace will disagree. He seems to think he’ll be able to ride your coattails for the rest of his life, and sadly… he’s probably right.
Other than that, everything’s been pretty uneventful lately.
-Norah
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June 3rd, 2000
Dear Norah,
God… can you believe this? Cause I sure as shit can’t.
I knew this album was going to be big, but I never expected anything like this. It’s just so far above and beyond what any of us could have hoped for. And nothing you say is going to put me in a bad mood. Cause this shit is entirely too awesome to let anything get to me.
And from what I hear… things at home have been quite eventful, young lady. Momma and Trace both said you’ve been hanging out with Ben Elliott quite a bit lately.
Little Norah has a boyfriend. I never thought I’d see the day. Then again… can’t say I’m surprised that it’s Ben. He used to eat playdoh and pee on the slide in grade school. So, I guess you two are a match made in heaven, huh? Come to think of it… I may have beat him up a couple times too. Tell him I’m sorry. I’ll buy you guys a really nice wedding present to make up for it.
Oh… and you will be coming to one of our shows, whether you like it or not. I haven’t seen you in forever, and the guys want to meet you. Why, I have no idea. But… yeah.
As for Trace… he won’t be riding my coattails. He’s coming to work for us once you guys are out of school and dude’s gonna pull his weight, believe me.
I was actually going to see if they could open up a spot for you too, but since you’re going off to that fancy ass school this year, I figured you’d shoot the offer down.
Speaking of which… I looked Sarah Lawrence up on the internet awhile back. And I just have one question… you trying to tell me something Nor?
If you are, it’s totally cool. Lance is gay and I still love him
Anyway…. I gotta get going. With the tour and press, and shit, we are crazy busy.
-J
P.S- Sorry I missed your graduation. I wanted to be there, but I couldn’t get the time off.
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July 17th, 2000
Justin,
You were on TV the other day, so I decided it was probably time to write you back.
First off… just out of curiosity, are you carrying a bedazzler around in your pocket constantly or something? I don’t think I’ve ever seen that many rhinestones on anyone. Except maybe Cher.
Your mother, who I love dearly… is wrong. And Trace, is a goddamn idiot. Ben was helping me tie up some stuff for school. I’m not dating him, and have no plans to start. By the way… exactly why is it that you’re so concerned with my love life? I’m not asking about you and your girlfriend, now am I?
Oh, and I’m not a lesbian, you ass. Although, the sight of you could probably turn any girl into one.
Anyway, I leave for school August 20th, so I’ve started trying to pack up some of my stuff. I honestly don’t know how you do it. How do you know what to take, what to get rid of? I know I won’t have room for everything, but how am I supposed to live without my books? That’s like asking you to live without those stupid bandanas you keep wearing.
The other thing I’m having a really hard time figuring out is how I ended up with so much crap. Books, movies, cds, my old barbies, a bunch of stuff that belonged to my grandmother, and for reasons I will never understand… one of your old ass Fraggle Rock dolls.
If I recall correctly… you tore the head off of my holiday Barbie, so I stole your Fraggle. Even if that’s not the case, I’m sure you deserved it none the less.
I’m debating over whether or not I should sell it on eBay. I heard a piece of your half eaten French toast went for three grand, god only knows what one of your old toys would go for. Hell… the money I could potentially make from your Fraggle could probably pay for school.
I’m sure the only draw to it would be the fact that it once belonged to you, because honestly… it’s ugly as hell.
But you know… as hideous as this thing is, it actually dresses better than you do. And has better hair. Maybe you should dye your hair Fraggle pink. And the vest… you’d definitely need the vest.
Honestly… the Fraggle looks pretty gay. Its tail is pink, for god sakes. Which leads me to wonder… do you keep asking if I’m a lesbian to cover up some hidden issues? It’s ok Justin… you can tell me. I won’t judge, promise.
-Norah
P.S- I’ll probably be at school by the time you write back, so just call my mom for the address.
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September 18th, 2000
Norah,
I’m convinced you made me call your mom for your address, just so I’d have to listen to your sister scream in my ear for twenty minutes. Thanks for that, by the way. I was deaf in my right ear for about four hours.
If you lay a single hand on my Fraggle, I will kill you. You need to box that fucker up and send him my way. I’ve missed him. And I want him back damnit.
What the hell kind of person steals a guys Fraggle, then holds it hostage for 15 years? Your are a sick, twisted individual. Your stupid Barbie probably deserved to have its heard torn off. My Fraggle however, did not deserve whatever kind of torture you inflicted on him.
So, how’s school going so far? I know you just started a few weeks ago, but I’d like to hear about it.
The tour is still going awesome. We finally had a number one song, which is just… amazing. Oh… we’re in New York here in a few weeks, so I’m sending a couple tickets with this. I’d really like you to come out. I think you’d actually have a pretty good time, and ya know… I guess I sort of miss seeing your stupid face. We should be in the city for a few days, so we’ll definitely have some time to hang out.
Trace says he misses you too, by the way. I’m sure you’ll be thrilled to hear about that.
So anyway… call me or something about the show, and I’ll get you passes and all that fun junk.
-Justin
