Being a native of Florida you’d think that going to the beach would bother me. Florida was a peninsula, it’s all beach if you really think about it. However, being from Orlando smack dab in the middle of the peninsula I wanted to get to the beach as soon as possible, Miami to be specific. It was my girls’ idea to bring me but for ocne in my life I was hesitant to go.

It’s not that I didn’t like that particular beach, I loved it. I embraced every wave, every piece of crud, every sea creature. I loved how mystifying the crystal clear water was. I always thought of it as the window to the world of sorts. My friends always laughed at me when I suggested that.

No, I liked the beach well enough. But the beach was supposed to be a vacation, a getaway from the stress and chaos of the real world. It was not supposed to be the place that one wanders around aimlessly, questioning the worth of her life and her job and running into the person I didn’t want to see.

Lance Bass.

Now, at that name, the small group of fans that weren’t obsessed with Justin or lusting after JC would be screaming their heads off. I, unfortunately, was one of them back in Nsync’s heyday, but now I cringe whenever I hear the name.

I wanted to kill Izzy for suggesting we come down here. There I was, walking down the beach with my friends and I hear that unmistakable bass voice. And just like that my day was ruined. You know that picture of the scream, the one they made fun of in those Home Alone movies? Yeah, that’s what my face looked like when I saw him. And being the subtle lady I am I ran away before he could see me. All the way back to my towel with my tail between my legs.

“Charlie, what the fuck? What’s your problem leaving me like that? You know running is against my religion,” Izzy complained, flopping down on the beach towel next to me, brushing her golden brown hair over her bronze shoulders. Lucky bitch.

“What is this religion, anyway?” Miranda asked, looking up from the book that was in her hands.

“Lazyness,” I replied instantly.

Izzy flipped me off with her diamond ring covered finger, adjusted her bathing suit top, and layed down, slipping her shades over her face. She’s dating a rich man, not like those old perverted farts that want some to feel young. This guy actually cares about her, to my shock and chagrin. Don’t get me wrong, I was happy for the bitch, it’s just that could’ve been me…

Pause, stop, rewind, erase! I ordered myself as I shook my head. “What’re you reading?” I asked, leaning forward to look at the book in her hands. Miranda hastily tried to shove the book back into her bag but I couldn’t mistake that face. The glowing green eyes. The grizzly bear facial hair. The stupid pun of a title. Are they trying to ruin my vacation?

“Sorry, Charlie.” Miranda smiled at her instant rhyme. “It’s just so…captivating to know that despite having everything in the world he had nothing.”

“I had the same thing, unfortunately,” I snarled. I should’ve known it was going to happen. I should’ve listened to my dad when he said I shouldn’t get involved with Popstars. Come to think of it I doubt this would’ve happened if I were with Justin or JC. I rolled my eyes. You know that’s not true, Charlie. Justin became a jackass and JC a manwhore. You’d just be another notch on their bedpost. Lance wouldn’t have treated you that way…

“Mommy, look out!”

I saw stars and fireworks, and not the good kind. Izzy sat up and started laughing hysterically as Miranda smiled and turned her head away. At least she had the decency not to laugh at me. My little girl ran over to me, her hazel eyes wide as she picked up the red Frisbee that decided  my head became a magnet. “Sorry, Mommy, Gabe threw it too high. I couldn’t catch it.”

“I did not!” Gabe called from his position on the sand, stomping his foot in protest. “Abby just can’t play right.”

“I can too play right, butthead!” Abby shouted back, stomping her foot as well.

“You’re the butthead, spaz!”

“No you are!”

“No you are!”

“No you are!”

“Meanie!”

“Jerk!”

“Gabe, Abby, knock it off, Mommy’s not in the mood,” I said as I threw the Frisbee back to Gabe. “Gabe, don’t throw too hard, Abby it’s not nice to tattle. If you can’t stop fighting I’m sure Auntie Miranda will go swimming with you,” I said turning to Randy. She looked at me with wide eyes behind her glasses and was about to protest. I grabbed the book that was in her bag and shoved it in her face. “You owe me.”

“Fine, I’ll just play Frisbee with them,” Miranda sighed, brushing off her bikini bottoms and going over to where the kids were now using the Frisbee to dig holes in the sand to watch it fill with water as the waves lapped onto the shore.

“Charlie, relax, tan with me,” Izzy said as she lightly tapped my arm without getting up from her towel. “Trust me, you need it for when we go partying tonight.”

“Mommy! Abby threw sand in my eyes!”

“Gabe dumped sand down my shorts!”

“No I didn’t!”

“Yes you did!”

I laid down and let out a slow breath. “You’re right; I need to go to that party. The kids should be tired by them so I wouldn’t have to worry about getting them to bed.”

“Don’t you remember? Too much partying and your brain fries.” I stiffened at the voice. There was no way he could’ve seen me. I ran away too fast. It must’ve been Izzy’s bitching that got his attention. Sighing, I pulled off my sunglasses and looked up at the new bane of my existence, it was Joey at first because he wouldn’t leave me alone, but now “Babyface” Lance took that spot. “Hey Charlie, how are you? It’s been a while, hasn’t it?” Lance asked with a smile.

I stared at him. He has the fucking audacity to smile at me after what he’s done? Hell naw! “Not long enough,” I muttered.

Lance’s smiled faltered slightly as he knelt so he was crouching by me. “What’re you doing here?”

Really? Has he become that stupid since the band broke up? I thought that was Chris’s territory. “I’m on vacation,” I replied. “What about you?”

“Same thing.” He shrugged. “I needed a break.”

“From your work?”

“From life.”

Oh, yes, I remember now. Lance used to think that vacation was a way to stop time and just have fun and then go back to the hustle and bustle of the working world. I chuckled, that’s why I decided to be a cosmetologist, I got to set my own schedule especially since I own the place.

“I didn’t expect to see you here,” he continued.

“What, you expect me to call you whenever I’m about to go somewhere?” I snapped. Ok, I didn’t mean to be that harsh, but the guy broke my heart. I won’t take that lying down.

“Ooh, and that’s my cue,” Izzy muttered, getting up and running to where the kids were trying to burry Miranda in the sand.

“Can I sit?” Lance mumbled, looking at the sand.

“If you make that grammatically correct question,” I replied instantly. I’m a stickler, so sue me.

“May I?”

“If you must,” I grumbled. I watched as he got up, walked around me, and sat down on the towel that Izzy had occupied before. It’s so not fair that he has amazing hair and JC-like abs now. Not fair at all. “How’d you know it was me?”

“Well, no one has run away from me that fast except for you so I put two and two together,” Lance replied. “That and I heard Izzy yelling your name with a few choice words. She must’ve forgotten there were kids around.”

“Well, seeing as she refers to them as brats…” I let my voice trail off and looked to where Gabe and Abby were now splashing around in the water. “Hey, not too far. You don’t want Auntie Izzy getting her designer suit wet!”

“Ok!” They called back.

Lance chuckled. “Izzy’s still dating that guy?”

“Mhm, I think she’s a gold digger in disguise,” I replied. “There’s no way a girl doesn’t want some of her guy’s money.”

“You weren’t like that,” Lance pointed out.

“Right, I’m weird, I wanted you for you,” I agreed. Lance bit his lip and looked out at the ocean again, watching Abby and Gabe splashing each other and laughing happily as Miranda and Izzy looked on.

“They’re cute,” he commented.

“They should be, they’re half yours remember?” I grumbled.

Lance sighed. “How old are they now?”

“Gabe’s turning five, Abby’s turning four.” I tried to bite back my words but they pushed themselves out between my teeth. “You’d know if you actually called or had any desire to want to be in their life. But no, you decided to shut this part away to embrace the other side.” I shook my head, trying to keep the diarrhea of words in but they kept falling. “You don’t know how hard it is having to go everyday with Abby asking where her daddy is. You don’t know…”

“Charlie, I’m sorry. I’m so sorry. I know I’ve said it a million times before and I know it won’t change anything but I am really sorry,” Lance apologized, putting a hand on top of mine. It used to be a comfort. I used to want to hold his hand for the rest of my life, who cared about kissing or hugging or making love? I loved how his hand always made me felt safe. Until now. However I missed it, I missed him…

“You’re sorry for hurting me or sorry for leading me on?” I demanded, taking my hand away.

“Char, I didn’t lead you on…”

“Yes you did!” I hissed, keeping my voice levels down even thought I wanted to knock his lights out. “You told me you wanted to be with me. You told me you loved me.”

“I did!” Lance protested. “I still do!”

“Does it mean anything to you that I still love you?”I demanded. He stayed silent. I pushed my hair out of my face. “I’m still in love with you, Lance,” I finally managed to admit not only to him but to myself. I’ve been denying it for so long that I was driving my girls crazy I’ll bet. “And I hate it. I hate knowing that you’re…who you are because you can’t be with me. I hate knowing that our kids look like you because I can’t have you. You were with me for three years and then you decide to go and become gay. It’s like…I turned you gay or something. Do you know how much that hurts?”

“Do you want me to apologize for being gay? Because I can’t do that,” Lance sighed. Why wasn’t he getting mad? Gosh, sometimes I hated that about him. “It’s who I am; it’s who I’ve always been. You didn’t change me, I just…didn’t find myself until four years ago.

“So why were you with me then?” I asked, getting hysterical. “Why’d you make me waste five years of my life?”

“It’s not a waste! Look what you––we––created,” he said, pointing towards Gabe and Abby. “I…I don’t know what I was doing but I do know that I did love you then and I still love you now. I’m just…not in love with you.” He ran a hand through his hair. “I…I want to be in our kids’ lives. Really I do. I want to hold my baby girl and play catch with my son. I want that so badly, you don’t even know.”

“The kids do too,” I admitted.

“Maybe, we can start over…in a way? If it’s too hard on you to be around me, I’ll understand, just…let me have some visits…please…”

I squeezed my eyes shut and thought back to the times that Gabe and Abby would cry themselves to sleep when I didn’t let them see their father. I hated seeing the pain in their eyes but they weren’t old enough to understand. I opened my eyes and let out a little sigh. Is it better to have a part of Lance or nothing at all?

“Mommy, Mommy! We saw fishes!” Gabe said as he ran over to me and jumped into my lap, hugging me around my neck.

“There were red ones and blue ones and orange ones and pink ones and–” Abby stopped and looked at Lance. “Mommy, who’s he?” Abby asked, moving closer to me.

I glanced at Abby before looking at Lance. I then turned to Abby and said sweetly, “No one, Abs. He’s just looking for someone he lost.”

Lance nodded and smiled. I could tell it was forced; it was the same smile whenever he walked the red carpet. It didn’t reach his eyes. “Sorry to bother you,” he whispered before walking away.

What he didn’t know was that he was taking my heart with him.

Again.