When I woke up I was starving.

I could still hear the rain and I sighed wondering if it would ever let up, knowing there were only so many mud fights we could have to keep from getting on each other’s nerves.

With Justin still asleep beside me, I crept out of bed carefully, got dressed and tip-toed out of the room to the landing upstairs.

I walked down to the kitchen and began rummaging through the groceries we’d brought with us for something that appealed and ruling out cereal and potato chips, Instant Noodles appeared to be as good as I could get.

I took out a package and walked to the stove where I heard a soft wrapping at the back door, where I found Mrs. Perret, the ranch owner standing on the back porch with a casserole dish of some kind.

She smiled warmly and I hurried to get the door.

“Hello dear, Justin must not be here, but I thought I’d bring over this meatball casserole that he likes so much,” she said as I took the heavy dish from her before she toppled over.

“Thank you Mrs. Perret, that’s so lovely, I’m sure he’ll appreciate it very much,” I smiled and stepped aside, “would you like to come in?”

“Oh no, no I can’t honey, I just wanted to drop off the casserole and make sure you have everything you need,” she said making me smile with her warmth and hospitability.

“I think we’re okay, but if we do need anything we’ll let you know,” I assured her and she nodded and slowly turned around before thinking better and turning back to me.

“What happened to the other girl?”

I immediately bit the inside of my mouth.

“The other girl?”

“Yes the other girl he brought out here those few times,” she elaborated and there it was.

I snickered a little more to myself and looked down at my feet.

I should have known, and I wasn’t surprised, but I was still mad.

“Um…I don’t know, maybe she moved away.” It was the best I could do considering how foolish I was feeling.

“Oh that’s a shame. You look after him though won’t you?”

I laughed ironically to myself but then nodded politely.

“Yes Mrs. Perret, I’ll certainly do that.”

Had she not been as old as she was, she probably would have picked up on my sarcastic tone but as she left, I sighed and carried the casserole dish back to the kitchen.

I sat at the bench and tried not to get angry, but he left me with too much time to think about it and a little while later Justin shuffled into the kitchen, bleary eyed and bewildered from sleep.

I barely flinched as he walked around the island, stood behind me and kissed my cheek before turning to the fridge behind me.

“Was someone here?” he asked, his voice scratchy and not yet awake.

I was miles away and took a second to respond.

“Yeah Mrs. Perret, dropped of a meatball casserole,” I said finally staring straight ahead unblinking as he fussed around behind me.

“Oh fuck yeah. I fucking love her meatball casserole. She’s a sweetheart isn’t she?”

“Yeah she is,” I said chewing my thumb, “Too bad she’s not playing with a full deck anymore,” I said casually.

“What do you mean,” Justin asked distractedly eyeing the casserole dish and I turned on my bar stool to face him.

“Well she kept asking about “the other girl…”” I said watching carefully for his reaction, “’Where’s the other girl he used to bring up here?” she asked me and I said “well Mrs. Perret, there is no other girl,” but she said “No, no the other girl he used come here with,”” I said doing a half hearted impression of an older lady and he wasn’t looking at me, but I could see him playing it way too cool.

“That’s kind of weird,” he said simply and I remained silent and I continued to stare at him, so that he knew I didn’t believe him and I was giving him a chance to tell the truth, but he also remained silent and the mere fact that he was just standing there staring at the casserole, looking uncomfortable was all I needed.

“Why are you lying to me?”

“Don’t make a big deal about it Soph,” he said instantly and I snickered having got my answer and turned away from him in my seat.

“See, this is why I didn’t tell you,” he said, making it sound like he was justified in not telling me, which only made me more angry, but still I turned in my chair and spoke very calmly albeit a little tightly.

“No, Justin, I’m not mad that you have brought other girls up here, I’m mad that I asked you if you had and you said “No.””

“Because I didn’t want you think I did this all the time.”

“Do you do it all the time?”

“No!”

“Then why lie? How many girls have you brought out here Justin, be honest.”

“It was just one other girl, this is exactly why I didn’t tell you,” he said in an infuriatingly even tone and the more he tried to make it sound like I was mad about nothing or the fact that he’d brought someone else out to the ranch, rather than the fact that he lied about it, the madder I got.

“No it’s better that you lie about it and then I find out that you lied and I then sit around wondering what else you’ve lied to me about. And the fact that you’re being so righteous in your attempt to make it seem like I’m overreacting is pissing me off even more.”

“You’re being so dramatic about nothing.”

“You know every time you say things like that, I get more worked up because, instead of just saying “Yeah okay Soph, I should have just told you” you’re making the assumption that I would have overreacted.”

“Look at you, you are overreacting!”

“Because you’re goading me!”

“I’m not talking to you about this any more, you’re being childish,” he said coolly and I suddenly didn’t know what to do with the rage that was now inside me.

I pressed my fingertips into my temples and slid off the bar stool needing to get out of the kitchen and away from Justin.

“Jesus Christ Sophie! You’re being ridiculous,” he bellowed suddenly kicking the barstool heatedly and sending it crashing to the ground, before I could make it out and I hated how he was making me sound like I was being irrational.

I turned and sighed looking up at him as he slowly strode over to where I was and I was too fired up to be intimidated by his imposing frame.

“You’re right. I am ridiculous. I don’t know how I let myself get caught up with someone like you-“

“Someone like me?” he asked evenly but his cool tone was white fire.

“Yeah, someone like you. Someone so fucking out of touch with themselves that they don’t even realize that they’re wrong!“

“Because I brought a girl out here?”

“Because you LIED!” I bellowed, my rage finally getting the better of me and I pushed him with both hands, and though it barely made an impact sending him only a couple of steps back, I needed the outlet. “FUCK why can’t you get that through your head! Stop making it sound like it’s about the other girls, I know all about the other girls, the hundreds and hundreds—“ I thought I was going to pass out from rage and realization that I was referring to “all the other girls,” a concept that had only now just sunk in and that I was surely now one of them, I had to stop and take a breath,

“Oh god, I can’t do this. I can’t talk to you,” I said making a break for the hallway but he caught my arm and pulled it hard.

I didn’t know what it was about us that seemed to almost like seeing each other out of control, but he was goading me and I couldn’t help responding.

“Sophie, stop it!” he spat, his authoritive tone, condescending enough to push me right over.

“Let go!” I said trying to yank my arm free as we stood in the hallway struggling with each other, his strength too much to contend with, but I spent the next few minutes trying.

“Calm down, listen to me!”

“I don’t want to listen to you, I want you to leave me alone!”

“Stop struggling Sophie, you’re going to hurt yourself!”

“Then let go!”

“Not until you calm down and listen!”He said, his hands were clamped tightly around my upper arms and his grip hurt and the fact that I couldn’t move away from him was making it worse as we pinballed down the hallway, knocking over the hallway table and scraping a picture frame off the wall sending it crashing to the ground.

Assuming danger, Barney latched onto Justin’s sweatpants and the distraction loosened his grip on me enough to break free, and though I didn’t mean too, my arm shot up out of his grasp catching his face hard, shocking us both enough to stop breathlessly for a seemingly endless moment.

Justin touched the back of his hand to his lip and inspected the small amount of blood, but the amount of blood wasn’t the point and I could see he was barely able to keep it together and he was shaking with anger that I prayed he could control.

“Happy?” he asked and I stood helplessly still, watching as he wiped his lip with his t-shirt and bent to pick up his keys that had landed on the floor when the hallway table came crashing down.

He snatched at the front door handle and ripped the front door open, and left then announcing his exit with an almighty slam of the door that made me gasp and my legs gave way beneath me as I slid down the wall and sat on the floor too numb and stunned to cry or even react for the longest time.

I heard the tires of his car screeching away and Barney sat in front of me with his head down, sniffing cautiously at my leg as though he was asking if I was okay.

I wasn’t.

I knew I couldn’t be there when he got back, but I didn’t know how I was supposed to get away.I would have walked all the way back to the city if I thought that I could have, and I was only rational enough to know that that unfortunately wasn’t an option.

I felt cornered and helpless, but not in the wrong.I couldn’t let him lie to me and I couldn’t let him play it down or talk to me like my concerns were trivial which in the end was why I got so mad in the first place.

I knew then that I had failed miserably at not becoming one of his conquests.

And though we were sure to not continue our relationship in any way when we got back to the city, I bitterly hoped that at least he’d always remember that I went out fighting rather than sitting by the phone waiting for a call he promised that would never eventuate like the other girls.

I sat for so long anxious for his return, that every time I heard anything that even remotely sounded like a car, my gut tightened so much, I thought I’d be sick.

I didn’t know what I’d say, if I’d say anything, but I knew I wouldn’t apologize.

I picked myself up and straightened out the mess in the hallway with shaky arms and hands as the light started to fade.The thought of having to stay overnight after what had happened was sickening and I had to get out of the house regardless of the rain that was still falling outside.

I went out to the back and started heading out across the paddock.It was cold, but at least the rain was now slowing and I kept my sweater wrapped tightly around me with my hood up over my head and Barney walking instinctively close to my stride.

I wanted to be home so bad.

I wanted to be at home on my couch under my crochet blanket with Bowser on the backrest behind my head and Barney in my lap.I felt so far away from all of that, out in the cold rain, with only a colder house to go back to, despite all the fancy heating it had throughout.

I suddenly remembered Adrian, and I couldn’t help thinking that this surely would never have happened with him.

The further I walked, the clearer it became to me that Justin was not a monster in any way, but he just wasn’t for me. The thought of staying with him and the possibility of more body bending arguments like the one just past held no appeal no matter how good he was in bed or how well he held my curiosity.

It was well after eight when I decided to walk back to the house and I’d exhausted every possibility of an escape route.

I hoped Justin wouldn’t be there, but I knew he was because the lights inside were on and glowing in the distance that grew nearer with every hesitant step I took forwards.

I was wet, but anxious energy guarded me from the cold as I walked slowly up the back steps and forced myself to go inside.

He was sitting hunched over a glass of scotch at the kitchen island with his head in his hands and though I felt bad for him, I had to remember that I also felt awful.

The wire door at the back squeaked shut, catching his attention, and he lifted his head, and stared directly ahead rather than turning to look at me knowing now that I was there with his hands now over just his mouth.

I decided I wanted to get this over and done with, and vowed that no matter what, I would keep my cool.

I walked over slowly with my hands deep in my sweater pockets and stood nearby him at the bench, his eyes flickering to watch me without turning his head.

I couldn’t tell if he was still mad with the way that half of his face was hidden behind his hands.I tried to work out what I was going to say to him without apologizing because as far as I was concerned, I didn’t have anything to apologize for.

“I didn’t mean to hit you,” I offered, and I was probably barely audible, but I knew he heard me from the way he sighed heavily and lowered his hands to take up his glass and have a sip of scotch.He put the glass back down and folded his arms down on the bench shuffling his chair closer in.

“Yeah well…I’m sorry I lied to you about not having brought anybody else here,” he said and I could see he was very uncomfortable and still very tense.

I didn’t know what I was supposed to say next and I wasn’t sure that he was much in the mood for talking.

“I’m going to go and have a shower and pack up my stuff,” I said finally figuring the talk would either have to wait or better yet not eventuate and I started towards the hallway.

“You know the very few times, like maybe twice, that I did bring someone out here, I was so sure about them,” he said, stopping me short of the hallway as he finally spoke up.“I liked ‘em so much I wanted to just take ‘em somewhere out of the city, somewhere quiet and just really get to know them, you know?”

He took another sip and set his glass back down and the cold was starting to set in now as I shivered standing by the hallway.

“I think I need to stop coming here, it’s been nothing but bad luck, I didn’t even make it back to the city before the break up this time,” he said spitefully but more to himself and I felt awful for how he was feeling, but I knew he’d be okay eventually and even better without me.

“I know that I made a shitty decision by not telling you that I brought other girls here, and I know I push you hard sometimes, but that look on your face, that “I knew it” look and all the assumptions that came with it, was exactly the scenario I was trying to avoid. I can just see it every time you look at me; you’re waiting for me to fuck everything up so that you can feel justified in those assumptions and keeping me at arms distance.”

“I’m not keeping you at arms-“

“You are, Soph,” he said quietly, but adamantly.

“Justin, you’re forgetting that I chose you. I keep telling you it’s not the other women, it’s that you lied, the fact that any little thing that comes up between us ends up in one of those arguments, and I can’t do that all the time the way we do, Justin, it hurts too much and completely goes against the reasons why we decided to see where this would go,” I said and he clicked his tongue and sipped more scotch.

“Ah, you have it in your head that I’m the riddle and Adrian is the sure thing, the only reason you chose me was so that when it inevitably fell apart, you could go back to Adrian without any voices in the back of your head bothering you about what might have been with me,” he said into his steadily emptying glass.

I was caught off guard by the honesty of his words, like he had access to my insecure thoughts and I stood unable to say anything as he knocked back the last of his drink and stood from the bar stool.

“The shitty thing is, you’ll still never know about what kind of relationship we could have had because you’re ending it, before you’ve even bothered to get to really know me or give this a chance.” He shuffled towards me with heavy feet and as much as my mind rushed to find some words, I had none that fully articulated how sorry I was. Something I adamantly resisted less than ten minutes ago.

He stopped next me on his way out of the kitchen and stroked my cheek with the back of his fingers, catching a stray tear that spilled involuntarily from my eye at his touch.

“Don’t cry,” he said with a kind of acceptance in his voice that had the same effect as someone saying “Don’t look down.”

“We’ll have an early night and head back early in the morning. I’ll sleep in the spare room.”