When I made it back to my apartment, I took the stairs, slowly and one at a time with my suitcase.

I was putting off going home because I knew what was confronting me as soon as I walked in the door.

The closer I got, the more I began to second guess my decision, but I knew at the end of the day it had to be done.

I opened my front door, greeted by Barney who was very happy to see me.He practically leapt right into my arms and I bent my knees and caught him, giving him kisses as I left my suitcase by the door and walked slowly down my hallway with him in my arms.

“Hey look who's home,” Adrian announced poking his head out of the kitchen.

“Hey,” I greeted suddenly feeling very tense, but he didn’t seem to notice as he walked over and wrapped an arm around me, pulling me in for a kiss which I kept brief by keeping Barney close to my chest.

“What’s going on in there,” I asked distracting him and motioning to the kitchen with my head.

“Just making some pasta for dinner.”

“Oh, okay.”

“How was your trip?” Adrian asked flicking a tea towel over his shoulder and disappearing back into the kitchen as I stood looking around at my apartment which I’d almost forgotten what it looked like.

“It was good,” I said simply, “you know how it is.”

“Yeah…I’m surprised you made it home and didn’t die of boredom.”

“Definitely didn’t die of boredom,” I whispered to Barney.

“What?” Adrian asked poking his head out from the kitchen again and I spun around, surprised to find him there, but glad he didn’t hear me.

“Adrian… can we talk?”

He knew as soon as he looked at me that something was up, and seeing that look on his face dried my mouth instantly.

Barney didn’t squirm despite how tightly I was grasping him. He seemed to know I needed him.

We sat at my poor excuse for a dinner table and Adrian looked ready for anything, but I knew no matter how ready he thought he was to hear something, he’d never be fully prepared. This after all would seem to be a bolt out of the blue considering how well we’d been going lately.

“Garry and Elliot from the Houston branch were talking about me and they decided that they want me to go over to Texas for a while and help them re-establish a team over there,” I began slowly.

“For how long?” Adrian asked immediately, his tone tense as his crystal blue eyes bore right through me.

“A minimum of six months,” I told him and he sighed heavily and rubbed his chin looking around the room.

“You obviously accepted.”He didn’t sound happy.

“Well what was I supposed to do?”

“I don’t know, tell them your life is here?”

“My life is wherever they need me to be right now,” I responded and I could see that the fact that I disregarded him in the broad term of “my life” hurt him and I felt sick inside.

He didn’t say anything for a long time and I watched him closely.

“So, what does that mean for us? I can’t move to Houston, my role requires me to be here,” Adrian said finally and when I looked down at the ground instead of begging him to come with me, like I probably should have or at least suggested trying to go long distance he nodded to himself.

“Okay…I see. First Justin and now your job…”

I bit my lip and held Barney so tightly he probably thought I was going to crush him.

I had wanted to go ahead and tell Adrian that Justin was confusing things, but seeing how tense he was and how he was barely holding it together, I decided against it.

“Why did we even bother trying to get back together if you were just going to take off at first chance-“ he stopped ‘cause he was raising his voice and he was trying to keep his cool.“Sophie,” he began in a quiet tone, but not any calmer, “I love you, but if we end it now, then we end it for good. I’m not going to do this once every month or every six months or whenever the weather changes and you decide you don’t want to do this anymore.”

I was supposed to be crying, and begging and pleading with him, but I just sat there looking very sorry and not saying a word.

I slid off his ring and placed it on the table between us. He looked down at it like he couldn’t quite believe it and then sat back in his chair defeated, looking at me though I was avoiding his gaze.

He stood up and walked to the bedroom emerging a few moments later with a bag full of things.

Seeing him about to leave broke me up and I started to cry as I watched him walking to the front door, getting up to follow him.

“Adrian,” I called out but he kept walking.I caught up and grabbed his arm stopping him, and he couldn’t look at me and didn’t blame him.

“I am sorry, I don’t know what else to say,” I told him clutching Barney like a pillow who instinctively rested his head on my shoulder.

“You must think I’m really stupid,” he said smiling ruefully, “you must think I really believe that it’s all about setting up a new team in Houston,” he said looking at me knowingly and if I didn’t already feel bad enough, hearing him tell me that he knew that Justin was still involved, made me feel like scum.

“I wish I could give you what you want, but I can’t,” I said regretfully and since there was nothing left to say, he left.

I took Barney over to the kitchen, shut off the stove where Adrian had been cooking me pasta and went to the couch to cry and feel the full force of my despicableness.

I felt awful, sick and there was no consolation for breaking a heart regardless of how pure your intentions were and how true you tried to be yourself.

Adrian had done nothing to deserve anything but all of my love and attention, and I just couldn’t give him that. It was cold comfort and little consolation to know that in the end it was for the best.

Crying was the only outlet I had at that moment and I did a lot of it, until a text message interrupted me.

Are you alone?  

I read the text message for fifteen minutes, after I had got done crying not sure if I wanted to respond to Justin yet. It just felt wrong so soon after what had happened with Adrian and I wasn’t in the mood for more confusion and needed time to process having let the most perfect, beautiful person I’d ever met, walk away.

In that moment I could fully picture myself dying alone and always wondering what ever happened to Adrian and how much I’d regret letting him go. He was the kind of guy I pictured growing old with. My parents would have liked him if I’d introduced him to them. The day wore on and by eight in the evening I was still the hostess with the mostest at my pity party on the couch, playing with Barney’s ears, who didn’t leave me for a moment. At least I had Barney in my life. My one true thing I could count on, no matter what.

I heard a gentle tapping on my door and looked in that general direction, wondering if I had the energy to deal with anyone right then. I looked awful and was comfortable on the couch, happy just to sit with Barney and didn’t feel the need for company.

They knocked gently again. Annoyed, I pulled myself up and placed Barney on the couch who yawned lazily and stretched out across the sofa. I had been lying down for so long that I was walking like a little old lady, and I shuffled over to the door and opened it, finding Justin standing there.

“Is he here,” he whispered and I shook my head a little surprised that he’d be so bold as to show up thinking that Adrian might be there.

“Oh well, in that case, Good evening Madame, can I interest you in a set of Encyclopedia Britannica?”

I don’t know what came over me, but I immediately started to sob uncontrollably and fell right into his chest.

“Hey, hey Soph,” he said soothingly, placing a hand at the back of my head and walking me backwards into my apartment and shutting the door behind him.

I couldn’t immediately remember if Justin had ever seen me cry before. At least for real, but now he had a very messy job indeed, walking me over to the couch and making room for both of us by a lazy Barney who didn’t seem to want to move.

We sat crushed together on the side of the couch and he handed me a box of tissues as I took them and ripped a few out.

“So I take it you told him what happened?”

“No, not exactly,” I sobbed blowing my nose.

“What do you mean by that? You didn’t lie about why you’re breaking up with him did you?”

“No not exactly,” I squeaked sobbing again.

“Well…what exactly happened?”

I took a breath and turned in my seat to face him.

“On the place on the way home, by boss told me that they want to send me to Texas for a while,” I told him, bracing myself for his reaction.

“Okay,” he said simply without any hint of disapproval, “how long is a while?”

 “Six months…minimum.”

“Oh, Jesus Sophie,” he sighed and I thought he was mad until he added “I thought you were going to say you were moving there for good!”

He sounded relieved and I was confused.

“Well six months is a long time,” I whined and his touch was comforting and his smile reassuring.

“Yeah, but it’s not forever, right?” I shook my head and wiped my eyes looked down at my hands, scrunching my tissues together into a ball.

“He said if we broke up this time, it was for good,” I told him quietly some more tears finding their way out of my eyes, “so I guess we broke up for good…he seemed to know you were still in the picture though.”

Justin didn’t appear any amount of jubilant or relieved, just sympathetic and understanding.

“I know you didn’t want to hurt him,” he said quietly as Barney crept into his lap and sank across his thighs curling up.

“Six months should be long enough for him to forgive me right,” I asked Justin only half serous and he shrugged.

“So anyway,” I sighed looking up at him, “it’s over and I’m moving to Houston for a while.”

“What about these poor excuses for animals, are they going with ya?” John enquired jovially referring to Barney and Bowser and I nodded.

“Of course they are.”

“Where will you be staying?”

“I don’t know we haven’t worked out all the details yet.”

“Well, you’ll have to let me know, so I can show up unexpectedly.”

I smiled a little and for the first time, Justin felt like the one I could depend on.

 “You mean you’ll come visit me?”

Justin shrugged and nodded.

“Sure, I’ll come visit. I can take you to Kubo’s…”

“That sounds like sushi, no sushi,” I grimaced and he laughed and hooked his arm around my neck pulling me in for a hug. He smelled good and felt good, but I forced myself not think about it because that kind of thinking was inappropriate at the moment.

I pushed myself off him trying to remain composed, and it wasn’t easy. Justin knew it too and instead of easing tension like that, he loved to take it up a notch, by remaining silent and watching my face.

“Want to watch a movie or something,” I asked deflecting and he nodded.

“Yeah sure.”  

 Over the next few weeks, work was torturous. Adrian did not speak to me unless it was work related and between trying to prepare for my move, putting together a strategy for Houston and avoiding awkward moments with Adrian, I just couldn’t wait to get out of New York.

By the eve of my move, I was a ball of nervous, wired energy. I ripped though my apartment like a hurricane seeing to the last minute touches like taping up boxes, unplugging appliances and making sure there was nothing left anywhere that would fester and surprise me when I returned home.

By seven there was literally nothing to do but wait until the next day, when I would say goodbye to The Big Apple and say hello to the Big…well everything.

Everything had been taken care of by Garry and Elliot and I’d be staying in a company owned apartment Downtown in Houston which was meant for senior management, but since Houston was such a cock up, they were letting me stay there rent free, as well as the fact that the company agreed to pay my New York rent for the duration of my stay in Houston so that I didn’t have to break my lease.

I was feeling good about my move, besides one minor detail. With nothing to do but pace all night, I decided I needed to go upstairs and say “see you later” to Justin and when I finally made it up to his apartment, I was only too glad that it would be the last time.

“Do you know what I’m not going to miss about being here?” I told him when he opened the door and let me in.

“What’s that?” he asked as we walked down his hallway and into his kitchen.

“Not having to go down and make you buzz me in every freaking time I wanna come up and annoy you,” I told him ignoring the fact that he had barstools and hoisting myself up onto his island in his kitchen while he got me a beer from the fridge.

“So tomorrow’s the day,” he said twisting the cap off his own beer and I nodded.

“I know, no turning back now,” I sighed as we clunk our bottles together and took long sips.

“Your pad all set up and ready to go?”

“Mmm Hmm.”

“Got a lift to the airport in the morning?”

“Mmm Hmm.”

“From the airport in Houston?”

“Yep.”

“How long do you have to set up before you start working?”

“A week. That’ll be more than enough time to learn my way around and get acquainted with everything.”

“Oh yeah.”

We fell silent sipping sporadically or when Justin thought of more questions to ask me.

“You have a car?”

“Yeah.”

“Good…you look kind of nervous.”

I nodded looking down at my hands because it was right on the tip of my tongue to tell him that it wasn’t moving that was making me edgy, but the prospect of six months in Houston being a bridge too far for the very delicate strings holding Justin and I together.

I knew it would have been stupid of me to tell him that I wanted him the night before I left for six plus months. I’d had my chance with him and it wouldn’t have been fair to put him in that position.

“You don’t have anything to be nervous about; it’s going to be a blast. You’ll make new friends and you’ll be working hard and seeing new places.”

“Yeah” I breathed wistfully and he stopped mid-sip and his eyebrows kitting together with concern, his big brown eyes staring over at me and making me blush.

 “What’s with the face?”

“Nothing…I’m just going to miss being able to come up and see you whenever I want y’know?”

He nodded and uncrossed his legs from where he stood walking over to me and hunching down to rest his elbows on the bench beside me. I took in the details as he was right there next to me, close enough to smell and feel his body heat. I stared at the curls against his neck and the freckles on his skin until he stood up straight and I looked away so he didn’t see me staring.

“I feel like you’re leaving for good,” he said pensively and I snuck a glance at him, almost able to see his mind racing.

“If I was leaving for good, what would we do?” I asked trying to sound casual but it was a loaded question considering our relationship.

“I don’t know…not standing around here drinking beer,” he said tossing his now empty bottle into the sink with a loud clank and I winced at the sound.

“Jesus Sophie, why’d you have to take this stupid assignment?” he said sounding more agitated each passing moment.

“Gotta work to live, honey,” I said flippantly as he looked up at me with little specks of fiery embers in his brown eyes.

“Six months is a long time.”

“I know…it might even be more, I don’t know yet.”

“I don’t know if I can wait that long for you,” he said out of nowhere and my heart stopped without any sign on my face that it broke a little at his words.

“What are you talking about?” I said sipping my beer and playing it dumb, “Waiting for me to what?”

He hung his head with a loud breath and I knew it annoyed him that I was pretending not to see what he was trying to say.

“Nothin’ forget it,” he shook his head and I bit my lip and put my beer down behind me. I took a moment to compose myself and finally I took him by the arm and pulled him over to stand directly in front of me.

“Come here,” I said pulling his weight which he offered little if any resistance and I immediately wrapped my arms around his shoulders and hugged him tightly.

“You’re off the hook okay? I’d never ask you to wait for me,” I assured him pulling back to look at his face, “I had my chance, I just didn’t know what to do with someone as cool as you,” I said feeling strangely calm about the fact that I was essentially squandering any chance of ever having anything with him.

“I wish I could have gotten through to you.” Hearing him say that broke my heart a little more and all I could do was nod guiltily.

“I know.”

“I think we could have had some fun times.”

“We did have some fun times,” I smiled trying to keep things light as I looked to the ceiling and rested my arms on his shoulders as I tried to recall them.

 “Remember Loni Anderson?”

We both burst out laughing at the memory of the time when he’s messaged me desperately to help him kick out one of his one timers and when he opened the door and I saw her, I visibly grimaced and he burst out laughing at my face which made me laugh until finally she just left because she didn’t know why we were rolling around on his hallway floor in hysterics. I would later tell him that she looked like Loni Anderson, only less surgically enhanced, but he didn’t agree.

“Your face when you saw her…oh man,” he recalled “it looked like you got hit in the face with a used condom.”

“Yeah so did she,” I joked and we giggled and I ruffled the top of his head playfully.

“Oh Justin. I won’t laugh as much with anyone else as I do with you, that I’m sure of.”

“Yeah geez we had some pretty crazy fights though, I still can’t believe you hit me in the face.”

“It was an accident.”

“Sure it was.”

“That was kind of scary…that fight,” I sighed remembering how awful it had been and he nodded.

“Yeah it was. I can’t believe how angry I was, I never get that outwardly enraged,” he said and I laughed.

“Well, it’s nice to know I brought out the best in you,” I said and he smiled a little before it fell away from his face.

“Six months huh?” He seemed to be asking himself if it was an option and I was careful not to let him think it so.

“You know…if you meet someone, I’ll be really happy for you,” I told him sounding as sincere as I could manage resting my hands in my lap and feeling him breathe against my forehead. “I won’t like her…no matter how nice she is, so don’t bother introducing us…”

“Sophie…”

“…but I’ll be happy for you.” Justin’s gaze was heavy on me, but I looked all around the room, anywhere but at him. This visit was starting to hurt and I knew it would be time to leave soon.

He just kept looking at me like he was waiting for me to break and I kept holding it together but only because I wasn’t looking at him. Then when I finally did, and I looked into his eyes, I knew it was time to leave.

“I better go,” I said finally, but I was trapped between his arms on either side of me on the bench. I waited for him to move, but he wasn’t budging. He just stared at me and I knew he just didn’t want to let me go, but I was trying to make this as painless as possible on both of us.

I attempted to slide down the sliver of space he left between himself and the counter top, but he stepped forward and closed it completely catching himself between my legs.

“Justin, don’t,” I said impatiently, pushing on his chest, but there came a moment suddenly when everything suddenly switched to slow motion. It was something static, like a photograph but a photograph of something moving quickly by as he suddenly caught my eyes with his.

“Soph, I love you,” he said, and everything stopped along with my breath, the bench vanishing from beneath me.

It literally, physically felt like I was falling.

A strange feeling washed over me that kind of felt like intense dread but was actually the polar opposite of it, overcame my whole body and I knew I heard him correctly but I couldn’t quite believe he’d said it. I just sat in his arms gaping at him until I was finally able to choke out a breath.

He slowly let me down and kept his hands on my waist until he was sure I wouldn’t fall, but then stepped back and looked down at his feet because I hadn’t yet said anything back. He scratched his head awkwardly for a moment as I tried to reboot my motor function.

“Aren’t you going to say anything?” He asked and I wanted to talk but I couldn’t talk, so I shook my head.

He was getting nervous, maybe even regretting what he’d said and I didn’t want that to happen.

I took a hesitant step over to him and rested my hands on his chest. I had only planned on one reassuring kiss. A kiss to tell him that I loved him too and then I could leave and whatever happened between us there after was up to fate.

I reached up and kissed him softly and under my hand I felt his heart race in a way I’d only ever felt in my chest. I drew back and we opened our eyes, but it still felt unfinished.

One kiss turned into two, and two kisses turned into three and I failed to muster enough will to stop the next one or the next ones after until before I knew it he was carrying me through his apartment and into his bedroom.

It was like a floodgate of everything we had been holding back from one another, all this time was unleashed and all the face we’d tried to save had been done away with for the night, leaving two souls laid bare, hidden from the world under the cover of his blanket.

We had all night, but that wasn’t as long a period of time as it sounded and we spent the whole night trying to get as much of each other as we could get. I didn’t know what would happen now that we hadn’t been able to help ourselves and give each other a clean break, but feeling him deep inside me while he stared into my eyes and feeling his lips move against mine while he told me he loved me, made it the furthest thing from mind that night.