Assassin
By Mel
I’m just arriving back to my hotel room after a busy ass day on set shooting my fourth movie and the only thing that comes to my mind is that I’m tired, sexually frustrated, and highly annoyed that I have to do this again tomorrow. I’ve spent the day taking commands from one director after the next, waiting on this stuck up actress to show up, for her damn hair to look right in the lighting, having to repeat every damn line nine thousand times until it sounds just right. People say acting is easy but until you do it, you really don’t have a clue.
I kick off my shoes, stripping my clothes off my body as they trail behind me to the shower. Yes. A shower will do the trick.
A small path of steam follows me, fifteen minutes later as I tighten the white terry cloth towel tighter around my hips. I look around the empty expanse of my hotel suite, feeling anything but relieved but more aware that I’m in this damn city, single, alone and in the need of some human contact.
I grab my phone, sending a quick text to the one of the many women I know that could relieve me of my stresses. It’s been a little over a month now since I’ve seen her and it becomes more appealing as vivid memories flash through my mind, sending a slight tingle through my body.
It’s been a while. What are you up to tonight?
I move over to the window, glancing at the lit up city, bright lights making the view look endless and big enough to swallow me whole and for the first time, I find the one thing I appreciated the most about visiting here suddenly makes me feel empty and hollow inside. I’ve been single for almost a year and though I know it’d be easy to find a girlfriend, I don’t want that right now. What I want is human contact, a woman to share my body with. I want no strings. I just want sex or a least that’s what I tell myself.
My phone chimes against the bed and my heart skips a little, anticipation and curiosity taking over my mind as I flip it open.
It sure has. Been busy with work but tonight I’m just relaxing. You?
I bring my lip between my teeth, trying to find the right words to say. She’s home! Maybe this night won’t turn out so badly after all.
I’m in town working on a movie. I need you. Got some time to get together?
I run over to my suitcase, grabbing a pair of boxers, some loose fitting jeans, a t-shirt and a gray and black hooded sweatshirt and tossing them onto the bed as I reach for a pair of socks. A strong sense of cockiness runs through me as I wait for my phone. She’s never said no to me once- why would now be any different? My phone chimes again and look back at it smugly, reading her response.
I can make the time. See you soon?
My tongue comes out to lick my lips as I text her back, need coiling deep inside of me.
On my way!
I move over to the bed, quickly putting on some deodorant, and dressing quickly. I run a hand through my semi-damp hair and take a second to spray some cologne over the thick material of my sweatshirt.
This may mean nothing to me but I still take pride in my appearance. I tell myself it’s just sex but in order for it to be good for myself, it has to be good for her. When it comes down to it, I’m all about the seduction and the foreplay. Sex is an art and in order to master that, it takes time, diligence and appreciation to the female anatomy which I was arrogantly blessed with.
Strings or not, I have a reputation to protect.
I give myself a quick final glace in the mirror before sliding my hotel key in my back pocket, along with my cell phone and move towards the door, excitement building in the pit of my stomach.
**
It’s dark out- nearly midnight here, the night air cool and crisp and the sky clear enough that I can make out all the stars and the overly visible view of the full moon. I come to my senses, feeling my ride stop as I pay the taxi driver quickly.
I take the few steps leading me to the large glass doors of her lush apartment complex as I pull the hood of my sweatshirt low, trying not to draw any kind of attention to myself, doing my best to remain unseen. No one needs to know I’m here. This doesn’t need to end up in some damn tabloid, giving them some dumb ass story that I’m sure they’d love to run with, truth or not. What’s going on between the two us is exactly that- between us. The elevator ride seems endless as I watch the numbers ascending until finally it beeps, arriving on the correct floor.
My body shivers a little once again, as my white sneakered feet pad down the dimly lit hallway until I reach her room, rapping lightly on the door.
I quickly forget about how tired my body is and about all the shit that’s been going on this week. I know this is wrong but right now, all I care about is getting a release in the near future and relieving some of the tension from my body. Sometimes, it kills me to look at myself like this, to see what relationships and fame have done to me. This isn’t the man I was raised to be. Once upon a time, I used to be a lover.
I move one hand over my face, trying to shake the tired off as seconds tick by before the door swings open, and she’s standing there, smiling coyly back at me. Her sandy hair is pulled back, secured by a clip while several curly pieces have fallen, framing her face. Her green eyes are deeper than I remember and are creased in the corners as she looks back at me, lips upturned slightly begging to be kissed.
She moves back, still standing against the door as she allows me entry. I step inside, making a quick glance behind me before she shuts the heavy wooden door and I take in the length of her open loft style apartment, noting that she’s got the lights turned down, seduction screaming from every corner and I’m pleased to see that she knows exactly how this is going to go.
Like I said-it’s a ‘no strings’ kind of thing.
She grabs my hand softly before leading me to her bedroom, the queen size canopy bed looming large, the lights turned down low and several candles lit around the room, burning slowly. I can’t remember the last time a woman has gone all out just for sex. It might be a simple gesture but setting the mood can go a long way. I take in the scent of her, something I still haven’t been able to analyze but whatever it is, it screams seduction and makes me think of the warm, sweet taste of her skin.
“You look good.” She breathes, letting go of my hand before bringing her own up to cup one side of my face.
I shiver slightly as her thumb grazes over my jaw, gentleness in her touch.
“Thanks,” I smile, taking in the gray cotton shorts and purple tank top she’s wearing. “I’m just wearing jeans an a hoodie.”
“I know,” She nods, moving forward, her face burying in my neck. “It makes you look sexy. You smell good too.”
I smile, trying to read her face. She isn’t as rushed as usual. She’s taking her time, drawing this out. Tonight she wants to be seduced and I honestly don’t know if I can do that. Seduction leads to thoughts and thoughts lead to feelings and feelings are just something I’m not ready to handle. Moving across the room, I see her grab two glasses of wine, before returning to me and handing me one.
It takes me a few seconds of mentally talking myself down, doing everything in my power not to down the glass, toss it on the floor and pull her against me, getting right down to business. She doesn’t want to rush this and I guess I can calm my hormones for the time being, or at least try. Usually she’s insatiable and impatient just like me and had this been any other time, we’d already clawing at each others clothes or better yet, right down business.
She moves over to the large window, overlooking the city just as I had minutes before and I step out of my shoes and socks, striding over behind her. My hand instinctively reaches for the clip in her hair, watching as her long tresses tumble to her shoulders, before my hand glides through it.
She turns me to, taking a sip of her wine, mimicking me as my hand falls to the side of her neck, trapping some hair against her skin.
“I’m glad you were home tonight. I’ve--things have been crazy lately. I needed this.”
Downing the rest of the red liquid in her glass, she reaches for mine and sets it on a stand by the window. I swallow thickly as the light flutter of the tips of her fingers come up, tracing slowly under my eyes, causing my eyes to shut.
“You’ve got dark circles under your eyes. Have you been sleeping Justin?”
I let out a deep sigh. “No time. Too much shit and even when I have the time, my minds got too much going on.”
She shakes her head, and I can tell she’s trying to picture what it’s like.
“Arms up.”
I look down at her, her green eyes gleaming as I do as told, hoping to get this show on the road. She doesn’t waste time before my sweatshirt is discarded and I watch as she brings it up to her nose, inhaling deeply.
“Come on.” She says, pulling me over the bed and I watch as she climbs up against the head, spreading her legs out and patting the space in front of her.
I look at her confused, hands already on the hem of my t-shirt, ready to get on with this, my body strung tight with tension. “I thought we were gonna-,”
“We are.” She says, interrupting me quickly, winking back at me. “You just looked like you could use a massage first.”
I’m about to protest because I’d rather get on with the big bang but a massage actually does sound appealing so I agree, peeling off my t-shirt and putting it on top of my sweatshirt that's laying on the chair pushed against her desk.
I turn back around, climbing up to the bed and it’s not long before I feel her hands on my back, soft and pushing hard against my skin, working my muscles back to life. My head lulls forward as I let out a soft moan, unable to keep it inside. Her hands move up to my neck, thumbs pushing at all the right places, my neck quickly feeling loose and relaxed, causing my eyes to slide shut.
She keeps it up, the rhythm of her hands and fingers not slowing. I can feel the tension roll off my body, my muscles coming to life again as new energy runs through me. I’m so caught up in the sheer pleasure of this that it takes me a second to identify the feel of soft lips against the top of my shoulders. I feel her hands quickly slide over my shoulders and down my chest, her palms warm and smooth, causing goosebumps to form over my skin.
I reach for one of her hands, bringing it up to my lips, kissing it quickly, my body suddenly coiled tight once again with need.
“Aimee, I need you. Please.” I plead, only to feel her chest pressed against my back.
“I’m right here, J.” She says, whispering in my ear and as I feel her lips graze the skin there, my body shivering.
I turn around facing her, bringing myself up on my knees and all moral thoughts slip from my mind. I look at the woman in front of me, knowing exactly how good it can be as I pull her against me tightly. I want a release.
It’s only seconds before my lips attach to hers hungrily, tongue slipping in and tangling with hers and it’s not long before it’s a scramble for air, causing us to pull away reluctantly, the only thing that will fill my lungs. My lips move to her neck, sucking hungrily as my hands move under the hem of her tank top, sliding up her ribs and excited to see she’s not wearing a bra.
Her arms instinctively move over her head as my hands follow, pulling the fabric from her body and tossing it carelessly behind us. My hands move to cup her breasts, making sure to pay attention to the rosy peeks staring back at me. She let’s out a moan, her head lulling forward as her hands slide down my chest before quickly moving to the button on my jeans.
I roll onto my back, giving her easy access to discard my clothes as she pulls my jeans and boxers down my hips quickly, in one smooth practiced motion. She comes down on her side, looking back at me, lust heavy in her eyes as I roll her so she’s on her own back, and make fast work of her shorts and panties.
My lips go to hers once again, fusing together, tasting her, reveling in the familiar feel of everything. I’ve been here before, felt all of this a number of times and here I am, crawling back and begging for it again.
Her hands tangle in my hair, scratching against my scalp, as I feel another, warm and confident, slide down the dip of my hip and moving to where I need her the most. The breath is stolen from my lungs and she moves her hand up and down my length, moving quickly as mine comes down to cover hers, stopping her movements.
As eager as I am to feel a release, this isn’t the way I want it. I want us to go together.
“St-stop baby,” I say, looking at her, through my heavy eyes. “Not like that.”
She nods opening her arms to me, indicating that she’s ready. I roll over her, reaching for my jeans, quickly searching for protection. My hands are scrambling quickly as I begin cursing under my breath.
“Shit.” I mutter, telling myself that this has got to be some kind of joke as my body tingles.
“J? What’s wrong?”
I come back to her, a look of hope etched on my face as I mentally slap myself.
“I forgot protection. Do you have anything?” I question, holding my breath as I wait for her to answer. I may be an ass for using her for sex but I’m not stupid.
She shakes her head, her chest panting, lust clearly in her eyes and looking back at me with guilt. “I haven’t been with anyone but you for over a year.”
Fabulous.
I feel as though karma is catching up with me for this, mocking me for not stepping up more often and being a man when it comes to relationships. For not doing things the way my mother raised me to. I’m trying to think of every possible scenario in my head. I mean there are drug stores around her. I think about the time that would take and instantly push it from my mind, well aware of how hot my body is right now.
I’m about to axe this whole thing, already scanning my schedule for the week, making time to get together again when she speaks up but her voice isn’t confident like is normally is.
“I’m on the pill, Justin.”
My ears perk up, turning to look back at her, laying there on her bed, her body flushed and naked against her lavender sheets. I bite my lip, through my sex fogged mind wondering if this is a good enough use of protection. I can’t even recall the number of times that I’ve heard this infamous line from women, thinking it’s the key to get me into bed. Luckily, I was somehow smart enough to walk away, thinking with my brain instead the southern region of my body.
I know she doesn’t have any diseases. We’ve known each other for a long time, having met through mutual friends of ours. When we became friends ourselves, a relationship just wasn’t what either of us were looking for so instead we agreed on the unemotional part. Sex seemed far less complicated. I remember one of our late night conversations over the phone while getting to know one another before things got this far-- that her number of boyfriends were few and far between and that she’d always been smart.
Still, there was always some kind of risk.
I situate myself in between her legs once again, supporting my weight above her as her hands move up, skimming over my chest, the fire still there in the pit of my stomach, waiting to be satisfied.
“It’s your call Aimee.”
I leave it up to her, even though the selfish part of me wants to scream that it’s fine and just have my way with her. I honestly can’t remember the last time I’d made love, or excuse me- had sex with a woman without protection. It’d been a must with my previous girlfriends, never wanting to deal with the fear of becoming pregnant and deep down never fully trusting one another to sleep around.
“I want you, now.” She says, leaning up and attaching her lips with mine. She keeps her kiss slow and sweet but I can feel the lust and the passion as her hands move all over my skin, eager with need just like me.
I don’t even give it a second thought before I adjust her legs better before sliding in easily but am unprepared for the hot, unsheathed feel of her around me. Our moans mingle together in the tall structure of her bedroom, as I hold still, the feeling almost too much to take.
I feel her pant against my lips, trying to get used to the invasion and I’m well aware that this is far from our other encounters. Usually our times in bed, (if we could even make it there) were quick, hot and a screaming chase for release. This- this is almost too much, I tell myself as I pull out slowly and come back, feeling her gasp again.
“You alright?” I ask, needing to know that I’m not hurting her because this feels way to damn good.
She nods, her hands framing my face, reaching up to kiss me again but she doesn’t pull away right away. She starts out slow, sipping at my lips before her tongue teases the seam of mine, easily gaining entry. One of her hands moves lower, cupping my jaw as she takes control, intensity building by the second.
I begin to move again, our bodies sliding fluidly against one another as our hands search helplessly for any skin we can find. I can feel her quivering below me, the soft hum as she pants as I pull myself up to get a better angle. It’s not long before I feel her hands wrapping around my neck, tangling with the slight curls at the back of it before she pulls me down, my chest bumping into hers.
I’m overwhelmed with the sense of closeness, feeling her all around me unlike any other time before. Her legs come to wrap around my waist, ankles crossing over the other as she traps me neatly against her body. My heart thuds against hers as the delicious tingle moves it’s way through my body, all the way down to my toes.
I do everything I can to speed up, reaching for that release I’ve been desperately waiting for all damn night, as my hands move behind her shoulders, chasing, clutching, trying everything I can to get us there. I can feel tingle building, knowing it’s close and that if I could just--
“J, slow down,” She says softly, arms wrapping around my shoulders, nails skittering down my back before finally tangling in my hair again. “We’ve got all night. You’re always in such a rush.”
My breathing hitches in my throat, my mouth suddenly dry as she looks up at me reassuringly, her green eyes sparkling in dim light of the room, the glow of city lights shining their way in and the intensity is almost too much that I will myself to look away but no matter how hard I try, I can’t. I swallow, leaning into her touch as she cups her hand along the slightly rough texture of my jaw.
I nod, slowing my movements, as my lips come down and instinctively meet with hers, feeling the need to have her breath against my own. Her tongue slides in, working slowly with mine and trying to mimic what our bodies are doing down below. My back arches slightly, still feeling the warm sensations that were strongly moving through it, well aware that I was on the brink of something wonderful.
I suddenly feel desperate for the taste of her skin, sweet and smooth as I trail my mouth down the side of her neck, tongue flicking out and smiling against it as I see her shiver. Her head tips back giving me better access as I move down the valley between her breasts, picking up a little faster pace, my hips moving against hers.
The airy moan that escapes her lips is enough thrill to pull my body tight, pleasure rippling through it. A strong sense of pride comes over me, proud that I can make her feel these things, that it’s me that sends her lip drawn tight between her teeth, and body bow string tight, ready to fall apart. After all, I’ve never once heard her complain.
It’s been a hell of a long time before I’ve felt... shit, since I’ve felt anything like this. I try to shake the thought from my head, try to ignore the gorgeous woman, body strung with pleasure, holding onto me tight as we move together simultaneously. Release-that’s what this is about. Nothing more.
I push away hearing my name as it slips past her lips, sounding sexy and helpless all at the same time. She’s letting me know that I’m in control, that her pleasure depends on me and a manly, animalistic urge rushes through me, causing me to increasing the tempo of my thrusts, feeling her raise her hips to aid me, wanting to reach that breaking point too.
I curse, wondering where in the hell all of these feelings have come from, trying to push them down and focus again, release is the key word.
I give up, as she wraps her arms around my shoulder blades once again, crossing them against my back as my hands reach under her arms again, trying desperately to move. My face, moves to her neck, panting hard and taking time to kiss and nip at the skin there, still needy for the taste of her. I feel the tingle again, strong and heavy in the pit of my stomach and this time, I don’t think there is anything I can do to stop it.
The room is silent, minus the sounds of my deep grunts escaping the back of my throat and her airy whispers and moans mixed in with the faint sounds of traffic as the city moves on down below us. Her breathing becomes erratic and I honestly think I forget to breath as I feel her clamp her thighs around me, her back arching, sending her chest to mesh even harder into mine, as my every nerve ending in my own body tightens, tiny pricks exploding, releasing behind my eyes as my hips still, the only movement they know is to surge forward, letting the pleasure make it’s way through me.
I search for air, feeling hers against my skin as she holds me tight, her eyes shut, lips slightly parted. I can’t move, overwhelmed with what could only be classified as one of the most intense orgasm I’ve felt in a long time, if ever.
I feel soft hands caress my skin, brushing here and there and running unhurried through the now damp, curly waves of my hair. Her legs fall limply from my hips, the strength of her muscles now giving out. That overwhelming feeling comes over me once again and before I can think, my lips are brushing lazily over her own, happy to just feel the softness.
When I pull back, I see her eyes open now, a sated look on her face, green eyes boring into my blue ones. As much as I try, I can’t pull my gaze from hers, fearing that if I do, I’ll lose her forever. The small tear that trickles from the corner of one eye catches me off guard and has me concerned.
“Did I hurt you?” I ask, hoping that I didn’t get too carried away.
She shakes her head, hand coming up to my face to reassure me. I turn my head on instinct, kissing her palm and her fingers as they move across my lips, not even realizing the intimate gesture.
My body feels heavy and relaxed and I become well aware of her small frame below me, trying to move off of her.
“Don’t go.” She whispers, looking at me with pleading eyes.
I pull my body off of her, releasing the weight and rolling onto my side before shaking my head and drawing her against my shoulder.
“I’m not. I just down want to crush you.”
I don’t know what it is but every ounce of strength that I need to get up and leave and be done with this is nowhere to be found and I feel as though I can’t move. I stare blankly at the ceiling, feeling the light skitter of her nails as they travel up and down the expanse of my sides, my body still reacting to her.
The scent of her shampoo still lingers below my senses as one hand instinctively goes up to comb through the soft tresses, smiling slightly as she hums in appreciation. I feel the sweet weight of her shift and don’t even think twice before my own hand moves quickly to the small of her back, keeping her against me and it’s then that I realize I don’t want her to leave either. I want her beside me, against me, I want to feel her hands on me, if only for comfort.
My heart skips a beat as my body still tingles slightly with the events that just took place, a feeling of completion takes over my entire being as I begin to wonder when I the last time I had a moment like this. Just laying here, lingering in the after math of love making. I curse myself, wondering where the L word slipped into mine description. This is just sex. I try to tell myself but somewhere deep inside, I know my heart is telling me otherwise.
I try everything I can to make my body move, to get up, grab my clothes and tell her goodbye but I can’t. For some reason the sad look in her eyes when I kiss her before I leave comes flitting back into my memory and it the dull ache it creates is too much.
The reality of coming back to a big empty hotel room hits me even harder and I realize that I don’t want to be alone tonight. That’s it. I just don’t want to be alone. That’s all there is to it. I’ve hit a bump in my life where everything sucks and Aimee is going to be the one to help me through it.
This is all just temporary. Like I said, it’s just sex. I don’t know how to be in a relationship anymore. They all end up badly. I get hurt and I break hearts myself which is why casual sex is so much easier. I don’t even think I remember how to love because I’ve been hurt so many times. This is just a fling. It has to be. Neutral territory. I push the thoughts and the feelings from my mind and will my eyes shut trying, begging to think about anything, anything but this.
**
I blink slowly, the bright sunlight peeking through the room and stealing me of a peaceful slumber. My hand comes up rubbing over my face, trying to become more awake. I try to stretch, reaching for my arms but I can’t move, weighted down by something or better yet, someone. I gasp, realizing that I’m not in my hotel suite and I’m definitely not home in LA.
I look around the room as the remnants of last night come screaming back at me. I see the candles now burned down to the wick, the wax still soft. The bottle of red wine is still sitting on the stand by the window sill, our empty glasses next to it. I chance a glace down on my shoulder, seeing Aimee pillowed there looking peaceful in her sleep. She’s laying on her side, one hand draped over my stomach while the other is tucked underneath her and I’d be lying if I said the picture she made didn’t take my breathe away.
I bite my lip, wondering why in the hell I didn’t just get up and leave last night after the sex was over, why I let her sweet talk me when I got here, acting like she cared, offering me a massage. I think of what it was like when we finally got down to the actual sex, how it was hot and intense even though I tried to rush her, she slowed me down right on the brink, causing me to savor each stroke and taste of her skin and each one of her kisses, making the final explosion ten times more intense.
I can still see the intensity in her green eyes, looking back at me so deeply almost as if she were looking into my soul, causing my heart to skip a few beats, even still. I recall my dilemma with forgetting protection and finally leaving the decision up to her of having unprotected sex. I’m still a little overwhelmed with the intensity I felt, burying myself deeply inside of her with nothing in between us. That was something you did with a lover, something meaningful and intense. Something you did with someone you were in love with.
I push down the pang of guilt that’s screaming inside of me, willing my eyes shut and make the realization shut it’s self up. It’s too much to take but I know I can’t ignore this feeling forever. I love Aimee. I picture myself or her running to another person, sharing our bodies with someone else, holding those intense gazes with someone else and jealousy moves through me quickly. I reach down, running an idle hand through her hair, loving the soft feel of it against my fingers, softer than anything I’ve ever felt and I’m hit again, this time hard.
How in the hell could I up and change the rules now? This wasn’t suppose to be anything. It was all physical. We agreed to leave our emotions at the door when this all started but maybe I was wrong. Maybe through all that passion and intensity, she loved me back. I feel as though I can’t breathe once again as I lean down pressing my lips to her temple before I pull away carefully. I reach for my jeans, pulling my phone out and checking the time, knowing that no matter how badly I have to be at work, these thoughts and feelings aren’t just going to up and leave.
I dress quickly, glancing back at her sleeping, looking beautiful wrapped in a sheet. I tell myself not to stay, not to deal with this because it’s just not who I am. I break hearts and steal hearts and then I move on. I move to the edge of the bed, slipping on my shoes and pulling my sweatshirt down over my body. I’m just about to open the door of her bedroom when I hear my name called softly from the bed.
“Justin?” She calls my name, soft and unsure, her eyes looking pained. I push down the guilt, the reality, the feelings.
“Yeah Aimes? I’m late for work.” I say, striding back to the bed.
She looks sad, hurt and I honestly have no idea how much longer I can do this anymore. It’s just not even worth it.
“Okay,” She tucks a strand of hair behind her ear almost self-consciously. “Have a good day.”
I smile, reaching for her hand and lacing our fingers together and she hangs on till the last possible second before slowly letting go. I don’t kiss her because I know if I do, I won’t leave. I’ll stay and I’ll crumble like the insecure man I really am.
“Bye.” I tell her, realizing how incredibly lame the word sounds. I say it because it’s safe, because if I allow myself to speak anymore, I’ll let myself slip and this game we’ve been playing will leave me as the loser.
I give her another small smile before finally leaving, praying that the memory of her face, her kiss, her scent,- to leave my mind. I walk out of her apartment, taking the mind numbingly slow elevator ride before making my way outside and hailing a cab before taking one more quick glace back and shaking my head. Sometimes I can really be a coward.
Sometimes...I run.
**
I picture myself years from now, old and gray and washed up and lonely. The revalation hits me and I’m well aware that every path we choose in life has an action and every action has a reaction.
I tell myself that I don’t want to look back and know that I could have messed up something pretty wonderful in my life all because I was the worlds biggest chicken shit. My minds been cluttered with nothing but thoughts of Aimee no matter how hard I tried to push them away. Working on the set of my movie today left me feeling empty inside as thoughts of her came to me every few seconds.
I was always told I was a good actor, why not live the part right?
I tell myself that their are plenty of other women in this city that would be more than willing to sleep with me, to make me forget about all the thoughts going through my mind but I know it’d only be temporary. I’d walk away, feeling cheap and dirty and knowing deep down that no one could come as close to her.
I don’t feel my feet as the move into the elevator, I don’t feel my fingers push the button taking me to her floor, and I can’t feel my knuckles as they rap slightly on her door. The only thing that I know is real is the pull of my heart that’s led me here right now.
I went over this, time and time tonight, coming back to my room, dark, quiet and empty. I told myself that the thoughts and the feelings and things we experienced last night were all just hoax and that none of it was real but when I closed my eyes and my body still reveled in the feel of her, my mind painting a vivid picture picture from just hours before, it only solidified all of the things that I knew were true.
I shove my hands in the pockets of my black track pants, staring blankly at the as I wait for her to answer. I never picked up my phone, never sent a text, never let her know I’d be here. Hell she could be out of the damn state for all I knew because I didn’t communicate. I didn’t ask and I damn well didn’t say anything worth saying. I’m here on a whim, hindsight telling me to do what’s right and for once in my life, follow my heart and not my hormones.
Suddenly the door swings open and the woman before me looks slightly distressed, her green eyes lacking some of the sparkle I saw last night. Quickly they show surprise once she takes in who’s standing at her door.
“Justin!” She says, sounding almost surprised but she quickly masks it. “What are you doing here?”
Another blow to my ego to add to the books.
I realize I don’t want to sit here and play some kind of game. She needs to know. I chance a step forward, a breaths length in between us and all I can seem to focus on is the subtle shape of her lips, gravity pulling me closer and closer.
My eyes hold hers, green meeting blue, fierce and strong and on the brink of something big.
“I know we said this wasn’t suppose to be a big deal, this thing between us..” I trail off, scratching the back of my neck nervously.
She takes a step closer to me, her eyes suddenly planted on my own lips. I take a deep breath, moving forward and closing the distance, my lips brushing hers softly as I feel my heart skip a beat once again.
She takes a few steps back words, further into her apartment as she reaches for my hand, pulling me in her wake, eyes never leaving mine.
“I know we made rules..” I say, daring myself to kiss her again.
Her hands come up, framing my face before settling on the back of my neck, my skin shivering.
“I thought rules were meant to be broken.” She whispers, her lips turning up a little and the sparkle is back in her eyes again.
“Then I broke them,” I tell her as my hands come around her waist. “We said we wouldn’t get our hearts involved but I don’t know how much longer I can keep lying to myself, saying I don’t have feelings for you.”
Her smile increases, leaning her forehead against mine, breath panting against my lips soft and sweet.
“Then I broke them too,” She confesses. “I could see it in your eyes last night. I was just waiting for you realize it yourself.”
Her words make everything fall into place for me, everything I’d been questioning and second guessing. I lean down and kiss her, ever so slowly, putting everything I’m feeling right at this moment into it and letting her know that I mean it.
“I’m sorry.” I whisper, knowing that it’s a simple gesture to make amends and she still deserves more than two words.
I know she’s well aware that I’m not always the best guy in the world and that my recent relationships have failed but just knowing that she knows where I’ve been, and everything I’ve gone through and the fact that she’s still here, standing before me, holding on to me-- it let’s me know that at least she’s willing to give me a chance, that maybe just one time, things could actually work out.
“Stay.” She pleads, eyes gazing into mine, so sure and true.
I nod, pulling her against me tightly, breathing in the scent of her, and relishing in the feel of her arms tightly around me, the only solid ground reminding me that if I were to fall at this moment, it’d be her arms to catch me.
**
I pull her tighter beside me, watching as the early sun begins to peak through the large window that I’ve come to get used to. I realize that each day I wake up now, it’s somewhat of a relief not to have to push down the guilt but savor in the love I feel for the woman laying so trustingly against me. I think of all the reasons and everything that brought me here and the reality of it doesn’t scare me anymore. I’m slowly learning to accept the love she gives me and take things each day at a time.
I could tell myself I stayed because I’m weak and I’m tired of being alone but I know that’s not true. I was suppose to live my life, never falling in love, never giving my heart to anyone. I started out as an ass, an assassin as some would say. I stole hearts and broke them never giving two thoughts to look back but I realized that during this thing with Aimee, she was a lot like me. When it comes down to it and you really look at the reality of it all, she herself was an assassin also because we fell in love. I changed the rules and I stole her heart and in the midst of all that, she stole mine too.
