Sexual frustration.

It was the only way I could describe what was happening between us right now.

 

She won't open up to me.  Not in the way it counts.

The southern in her won't allow her to tell me how to get her to where she needs to go.

The land of pure ecstasy.

I need to be able to bring her there.  Usually I know something like this wouldn't bother the the average guy who's casually dating someone as I am.  But, the romantic in me, the gentleman my mother raised, maybe even the egotistical part of me needed this from her.  

Yeah, the sex was good.  But it wasn't what it should have been or should be.  She's faked more orgasms than I can count.  Leaving my ego wounded and my heart at a stand still.  How am I supposed to move on in this relationship if I can't please her?  I know she isn't as experienced in the art of lovemaking as I am, but I feed off of energy.  I need her to be as sexually invested in me as I am in her.

 

In this moment, we are at her apartment in midtown Baton Rouge overlooking the beautiful skyline her place alloted us.  We just finished having dinner and she wanted to have dessert out on the balcony overlooking the night's sky.  You can also see the good ol' Mississippi from here.  It's a mess of brown but at night, it's serene and calming.  Her job doesn't really give her the time to travel as much as I'd like but I'm not really doing anything right now so I've been staying with her for the time being.  It gives me a chance to be closer to home and still go into the studio if need be.  It's been a win win all around.

Except sexually.  I'm so aggravated because I know she isn't satisfied and just won't say anything.  She says that everything's fine.  But, I'm used to being able to make toes curl.  Going so deep and so hard that it hits you in the spine, carrying a current down your back, into your legs, ending at your toes, which causes them to curl.  

It's as if she's having a battle with her.  In that battle, her mind is saying to be the good girl.  The girl everyone expects her to be.  The doting daughter, the attentive sister, the focused project manager, the good Samaritan and loving girlfriend.  But her body?  Her body didn't want anything but satisfaction.  The reason she went to the spa every two weeks, practiced yoga, ran every morning and afternoon after work.  Her body needed stimulation.  But we get in the bedroom and her mind wins every time.  It's like, I get her right there...you know...there, and she pulls back.  Does something distracting like turning the attention to me.  But I'm not the problem.  I have no problem getting to the desired destination.  I'm so attracted to her that my body doesn't have an issue responding to her as a woman.  I feel like I can hear her body calling to me.  Telling me to do whatever it takes to help her find the ultimate pleasure. 

"Baby, what are you thinking about?"  She asks sitting down next to me in one of her plush chairs she spent two weeks picking out.  

"A lot and nothing at the same time.  I have a lot on my mind but I don't know what to do about it so it's not really worth talking about."  I respond, placing my right hand on her uncovered left knee.  The wind is blowing a cool breeze and it's affected the temperature on her skin.  

She cuddles up closer to me, snuggling against my arm.  She says "You know you can tell me anything.  What's going on in that beautiful head of yours?"  She smiles and my heart flutters.  She's breathtaking. She nudges me with her eyes, telling me to keep going.

"Okay but I need you to be completely honest with me. Don't hold back, don't shy away and do not lie to me."

The look in her eyes change from curiosity to confusion and slight fear. She pulls away from me a little but keeps her hands wrapped around my arm.

"You're scaring me right now.  What's wrong?"  The fear has traveled from her eyes to her voice and I feel bad for scaring her like this.  Maybe this is what she needs to be completely open with me.

"Am I the man you want?"

"Yes, absolutely."

"Are you happy in this relationship."

"The happiest I've ever been.  Why are you not?"

"Yes, but I don't think you're being honest right now."

"Baby, what are you talking about.  I've always been up front with you."

"Have you?"

"Yes, always."

"Are you sexually satisfied?"

She pauses, looks as if she's about to lose her dinner.  I take that as my answer.

"Just as I thought."

"Justin, it's not what you think?"

"What does that mean?"

"It means that you are all that I'll ever need.  I haven't been sleeping with anyone else if that's what you're thinking."

"Why would I think that Christina?"  Now she's the one scaring me.  Why in the hell would she randomly bring up cheating?

"Because I know you.  I know what you've been through and I don't want you thinking that just because those other women cheated, I'll follow in their footsteps.  I'm not that girl.  Even though we aren't in a committed relationship, doesn't mean I go around giving myself away.  I happen to love you very much and I wouldn't do that to you or to myself."

That's the first time she's said she loves me.

My heart flutters again and I smile wide, showing all teeth.  She smiles in return. We both know she was rambling.  But we also both know that she and I haven't played around with that word.  We both said that we weren't the kinds of people that just said it to say it.  That we both had been to heartbreak hotel on more than one occasion and hadn't planned on returning for a long time. 

She said it first.

Said what my ego and my voice would not allow me to say.

Her saying it solidified what I felt.

Frustration.

"What did you just say?"  I ask her.  I want her to say it again.

"I said I love you."  She tilts her head to the side, repeats herself. 

Again.

And again.

And again.

Like it's the most foreign of words but so familiar all the same.

"Then, why won't you let me please you?"

"What?"

"Sexually.  You're sexually frustrated and that frustrates me.  I need to be able to please you baby.  You not telling me what you need annoys the hell outta me.  This is a two person relationship.  If both parties aren't happy, one will seek happiness elsewhere.  But I'm not a mind reader.  If you can't or won't tell me what you need, how am I supposed to know?"  Letting out a frustrated sigh, I excuse myself away from her and enter her home.  Going straight to her personal master bath to splash water on my face.  I need to calm down.

 

She gives me a few moments to myself before following me inside.  She heads in my direction and closes her bedroom door behind her, still walking to me.  She stands in front of me, take my hands into hers and lifts them to kiss my palms.

 

She knows I love this.

I crave this.

I need this.

But, I need her more. 

"I don't need you to make this about me again baby.  As much as I love what you do to me.  I need you to tell me what you want."

"You give me what I want."

"Liar."  

She stares at me like I've lost my mind.  How dare I challenge her word.  But, she's lying.

"I'm not.  I'm happy with what happens between us."  I walk around her, leaving her in the bathroom.  I walk over to her king size bed and sit on the edge closest to her window.  She again walks over and sits beside me.

"So not only are you lying to me, you're lying to yourself."

"Justin, why do you keep saying that."

"Because it's the truth.  I just want you to admit it to yourself."

"I'm telling you I'm not lying.  Justin, you do everything I need.  Beyond everything I need."

"When was the last time you had an orgasm?  Not one of those you do to placate my feelings, a real, leg shaking, toe curling, room shaking orgasm?"

"Not everyone has the same experience."

"But you do.  The first time we were together was explosive.  You came three times.  Each time new, each time breathtaking.  Sure I thought you were conservative but I thought you were holding back.  Every time I get you on the brink, you pull back.  Why do you do that?  I need your release as much as you do.  I feed on your energy.  You know this.  What can I do to help you let go?"

Christina lowers her head, as if she's ashamed of herself.  When she looks up again, there are tears flowing freely from her eyes.  She's looks downtrodden and regretful.  And I feel like the biggest asshole ever.  Making her cry wasn't my intention but dammit, I need her to be real with me and herself.

"Christina, I'm sorry baby.  I wasn't trying to make you cry.  Come here."  

She comes over to me and I sit her on my lap.  She won't look at me, too busy biting her nails and looking at our shoes. 

So I kiss her.

All over her face.

Neck.

And everywhere else there's exposed skin.

 

She squirms in my lap, trying to shy away from my affection.  She looks me in the eyes, tears brimming, threatening to fall.  I catch them with the pads of my fingers and she holds my hand in place.  She places her forehead to mine and whispers I'm sorry.

"I don't want you to be sorry.  I want you to tell me how to help.  What can I do to help you get where we both know you need to go."  I stated more than asked.

"I guess I feel like I'm on borrowed time.  We're not together in the sense where I lay claim to you.  We agreed to keep things casual and just because I love you doesn't mean I want you to think I'm trying to force you to commit.  With love comes patience and I'm willing to wait.  You've gotta believe me when I say you are truly one of the best things that's ever happened to me.  Not Justin Timberlake, the beautiful singer, amazing songwriter, underrated actor.  But Justin Randall, the sweet country boy from north Memphis who adores his mama and still says ma'am and sir to everyone he perceives is older than him.  I couldn't thank you enough for introducing me to who you really are.  But at the same time, we live on superstar Timberlake's time.  You have so many things going on and I don't want to become a bother.  I can't be that girl.  I guess in the back of my mind, I know you're not really mine.  So maybe, subconsciously I cannot give myself to someone that isn't completely available to me.  Why give myself all the way, when you can't give yourself all the way you know?  I'm not complaining about it, just giving you me, honestly."  She finishes in a whisper.  Like she was afraid of what saying it meant.

 

"Now how was I supposed to know you felt that way if you didn't tell me?"  I ask, my voice matching hers.

"I don't know.  I guess in a lot of ways I didn't know myself.  Are you upset?"

"No, I'm glad, relieved even.  I've wanted to be with you exclusively for a while now.  I just didn't want to rock the boat.  That and I wasn't sure you'd feel the same way.  Especially because you've been holding back."

"I'll try to be more open, I promise."  She seals her words with a kiss.  Her lips as softer than I can explain.  

Sweet.

Tender.

Erotic.

The kissing leads to her lying in the middle of the bed, arms and legs at a comfortable resting position.  From here she leads me with her finger over her body.  Tells me to kiss her again.  Make her feel the way she needs to.  The way I need her to.

 

Says she won't hold back.

 

"Tell me what you want."

"I want all of you."

"You already have it."

"Prove it."

So, I set about proving it.

She gets up to pull the sheets back and quickly lies back down.  I take my position on top of her again and kiss her hungrily.  She moans into me and my erection starts to strain against my jeans.

Your body whispering from under the sheets
I hear it moaning begging loud and clearly
I'm rather fluent in the language it speaks
But it's your mouth I want to tell it to me


The way her body arches into me lets me know she welcomes me into this new space we're in.  I begin to kiss her shoulders, lightly pecking her beautiful golden skin.  Her breath catches and she hisses like I've hurt her some way.  I look up to be sure she's okay but her eyes are closed and she has a simple, sexy smirk on her face.  I continue on.  Kissing her slowly, from her shoulders, up to her neck, below her earlobe and back to her lips.

 

She puts her tongue into my mouth, wanting to taste me.  We smile into each other's mouths.  Lips meshing over and over.

Again and again.

She then tries to wiggle her nice, black and white running shorts off of her hips, all while trying to keep me attached to her.  Not wanting to break the kiss but trying to remove the hindering clothing all at once.  

She's cute when she's horny.

"I can help you with that you know."  I say into her mouth in between breaths.

"Okay."

"Okay what?"

"What do you mean?"

"Tell me what you want me to do."

"What?"

Girl, why don't you
Tell me what you want me to do to you
Say it, say it, say it...
Girl why don't you tell me what you want from me
Girl won't you
Say it, say it, say it...


"Chris, just say it."

"I want you to undress me."

I placed my hands at her hips, slowly removed her pants, kissing every inch of flesh exposed, from hip to toe.  She wiggles, tells me that my breath and the light stubble on my face tickles.  I laugh but continue on with her left leg, giving it the same treatment.  Once I'm done, I look up and notice that she isn't wearing panties.

"Someone's a naughty girl."

"What sense does it make to keep wearing panties when you're just going to rip them off of me.  I'm down to the expensive stuff and you're not ruining it.  Besides, I had a feeling someone would appreciate it."  She smirks again.  That same smirk is what won me over the day we met.  It'll win me over always.

I kiss my way up her leg, pass my mouth over her center, kiss the top of her then set about moving upward.  She had already taken off her dress shirt and jacket earlier, leaving her in a cute little black wifebeater and sports bra.

I make butterfly kisses around her navel and she laughs a loud, hearty laugh that makes her smile reach her ears.  The light freckles under each eye are barely visible but they add so much character to her already striking features.  

"Baby, you know I'm ticklish."

"I know, I couldn't resist though.  Your so cute when you laugh.  It's adorable."

"I know right?"

"Cocky much?"

"No, just confident..."

I cut her off by licking from her navel to her passion.

Over and over.

She moans a pushes herself into my mouth.  

She's only let me taste her a handful of times.  Each time more for my benefit than hers.  Not believing me when I say I love the way she tastes.   Can't imagine how it can taste as good, as sweet as I make it sound.  But the way she's motioning herself upward, she wants it. 

I'll give it to her as she wants.  But not until she says it.

"Christina, it seems your trying to let me taste you."

"Well don't you want to?"

"Of course, but not until you ask."

"Justin."

It's not as if I'm not totally aware
That you want my hands right here and my mouth right there
Girl don't play shy, show me how bold you can be
Open your mouth and tell me where you want me


"Yes baby."

"Please."

"Please what?"

"You know..."

"Say it."

"Will you taste me?"  She says meekly.  Like it scares and excites her to ask me this.  

"Whatever you want sweetheart."

I kiss her passionately one more time, then take my time traveling down her body.  She's moaning already and I haven't even gotten close to her spot yet.  She jerks and twitches, her body responding for her.  She moans loudly and puts a pillow over her face to try and muffle her cries.  I smile a little at her efforts before diving head first (pun intended) into her.  My tongue dances across her clit and she moans in quiet spurts.  She taste just like sugar.

Pure sugar.

I get excited at her body's reaction and the fact that she hasn't stopped me yet.  I take two fingers and pry her open, licking around the flesh like freshly rinsed fruit.  She bucks against my mouth and gingerly places her hands into my hair.

 

She's never done that before.

"Oh, baby."

 

"That's it....right there."

I take that as encouragement and place my index finger inside her, all while still licking her clit.  She screams and sounds as if she's biting into the pillow.  I add another finger and with a come hither motion, I stroke her gently.  She starts to react, subtly moving around my fingers, squeezing them within her.  She moves the pillow away from her face and moans.

Loud.

Guttural. 

"It's right...there...Oh goodness, it's right....right...there."

"Let it go baby, let me taste it."

And she does.  She squeezes my fingers so hard they become tense as she cums.  I remove my fingers before they go to sleep and replace it with my tongue.  She screams so loud that the headboard shakes.

 

I lick her clean.

She's silent as I lick my way back up to her breasts, taking care to give them the proper attention since I hadn't yet.  She just writhes underneath me.  Breathless, exhausted and spent, she sits up abruptly and pulls at my jeans.  She takes them down and flips us so she's on top.  She removes my jeans and boxers in one quick motion.  She looks up and sees that I'm fully erect.  She smile brightly and climbs on all fours, ready to take me into her mouth.  Only, I don't want her to.

I sit up and grab her hands, pulling her to me.  She looks at me, questioning me with her eyes.  She wants to know why I stopped her.

"This isn't about me.  I told you, you tell me what you want and I'll give you that.  I don't want you to do that tonight baby."

"But I want to."

"Yeah maybe, but I don't want you to do it.  I want this to be about you."

Tell me what you want.



"What do you want me to do now?"



"I want it from back there."

Oh, you want that?

"Really?"

"Yeah, really.  We've never done that one before and I'm feeling a bit adventurous tonight."

Say the word.

"Say it."

"Doggystyle.  I want it doggystyle."

Turn around.




She climbs back on all fours, putting her ass in the air, ready for the taking.  I place my fingers between her legs again and she's completely drenched.  I take my fingers out and put them in her mouth, making her taste herself.  Showing her that she tastes as good as I told her she did.  She didn't smile, but she didn't turn away either.  Said it must be an acquired taste.  I laughed and shrugged in agreement.

Placing my tip at her entrance, I ask her if she's ready.

"I'm ready."

"May I?"

"You may."

Anything that you want baby tell me you want it
I got it babe
Tell me what you want
No more hoping and wishing
Name your position
I got it babe
Tell me what you want and I got it babe
Anything that you want baby tell me you want it
I got it babe
Tell me what you want
No more hoping and wishing
Name your position
I got it babe

I enter her slowly, making sure she feels every inch of me.  She gasps and grabs at her chest, like I've taken the breath right from her.  She exhales slowly as I continue at a comfortable pace.  Soon, I'm in completely and take my time, relishing in the feeling her heat provides.  She grips her walls around me, contracting them nice and slow.  I grip her hips in an effort not to fall over from the sheer pleasure coursing through me.  

"Fuck baby, you're so incredibly tight."

She moans in response.

I start to move slowly, if I didn't I would lose all cool and come too quickly.  This angle is amazing and she has the perfect arch in her back, so I fill her nicely.  Finally getting into a rhythm, I push and pull her against me, the friction so sweet it makes my palms sweat.  She moans into the mattress.

"Baby, that is so good...you're so, so deep."  She says breathy.

"I know, you feel so good.  How do you feel?  You like this."

"I love this, I love this so much."

I start to move a bit faster and she grabs at the bed sheets, pulling them with both hands.  All while attempting to hold herself up.  I smooth my hand over her back and her head drops to the mattress with a slight bounce.  She bites down on the sheet and the expression on her face makes me move faster.  She moves her body into mine, matching my pace and soon all we hear is skin on skin.  Our lovemaking becomes aggressive, with her slapping her ass into me so hard, it sounds painful.  But it's not painful at all.

This is sheer bliss.  This is what she needed.  What we both needed.

"You're soo good baby.  Right there....stay right there.  Please, stay right there."

"What do you want baby?"

"I want to come."

"Say it again."

"I want to come...man I want to come."

"Louder."

"I wanna cum daddy.  Please, please...let me come."  She whimpers.  Her cries are so sweet.  So bold.  So unlike her.

Well, maybe exactly like her.

I grab a handful of hair and she growls. A low, soft, sexy growl and it makes me whimper.  Then, a harsh, gut-wrenching moan rips from her mouth and she squeezes the life out of me.  

She's coming.

Her entire body goes limp against the bed but she's still squeezing me.  And that makes me join her in ecstasy.

Blinding, wild and delicious, we enter a space where lovers frequent.  Enter it with reckless abandon and I collapse on top of her spent.  She throws her arm around me and kisses my shoulders.  She snuggles against my chest and I wrap my arms around her.  I'm exhausted and elated.

She came.

The way she needed to.

She whispers thank you and holds me tighter.

"I haven't felt this good in such a long time.  I can't believe I didn't let you do this to me before."

"Thank you for letting me.  Letting us get into this space.  And just to let you know.  I love you too."

"Really?"

"Yeah, this is not the mind blowing sex talking either.  I wanted to tell you before but I had to get you to see that I needed us to be here.  Where we are now.  Naked, uninhibited and free.  This was so freeing.  So yeah, I love you.  Really."

"So, what does this mean now?  We can continue to take it slow.  Let this be whatever it'll be.  I've only been in love once so I'm not really sure how this works."

"We can take it slow, learn how to be comfortable in love.  Is that okay?"

"Yeah, completely okay.  Thanks for loving me.  And for making my toes curl and my back bend.  I didn't know I was that flexible."  She finishes with a laugh.  I hold her tightly and laugh along with her.

 

So, this is us now.

Comfortable.

And in love.