I woke up on a Saturday, earlier than I expected. I happen to be so burned out from Monday to Thursday; I used my three day weekend to catch up on missed sleep. But of course, every now and then my body believed 9 am was an appropriate time for me to be up. I didn't try to go back to sleep, like I usually did, I just got up and headed to the bathroom. After completing my daily morning routine: wash face, brush teeth, and using the bathroom, I went to go check my phone. Without missing a beat, I knew I'd have a text message from my best friend, Adonis, my cousin, Evalyn, and my mom. Shit, mom texted me last night. THAT conversation's gonna be filled with love.
To: Donni De Lo!
Message: Why are you sending me text messages before the entire world is awake?!?!?!
Almost instantly, he hit me back. I sure wasn't expecting a reply so quickly
To: [ Mars ] E Ley!
Message: Because I want you to run an errand with me, piss-ant.
To: Donni De Lo!
Message: Why not Eva?! Why me?
To: [ Mars ] E Ley!
Message: Because she doesn't know the studio like you do. Duh! You know she despises the modeling industry.
To: Donni De Lo!
Message: Yeah, AFTER she was told she wasn't tall enough....lol.
To: [ Mars ] E Ley!
Message: SMH at our Eva. Anyway, I'm gonna be there in 30. Be dressed and spare me on the basketball shorts.
To: Donni De Lo!
Message: Awwwww! Come on! It's Saturday!
To: [ Mars ] E Ley!
Message: Don't care, this is business. Dress nice. 30.
I sighed heavily, rolling my eyes. Adonis just likes seeing me in tight pencil skirts and heels, that's the only reason he even brings me. Pervert. I, on the other hand preferred jeans, a top, and a pair of kicks. I wasn't sure of what kind of errand needed me AND me in something professional. I don't even work at the damn studio. I was a simple kind of girl, glitz and glamour just wasn't my bag. That's probably why things with JC might not have worked out. If it can take its toll on him and he's used to it, I can only wonder what it could do to me.
I got up, pulled out some clothes from the archive, nice heels, and went to take a quick shower. I wasn't into trying to do my hair, so I just wrapped it up into a simple bun and dressed it with a cute flower pin. I decided to teach Donni a lesson and I wore slacks instead. He doesn't get free pencil skirts, who does he think he is? After I gathered all my things, I sprayed a small amount of perfume and left my room, walking through the hallway into the kitchen.
I was about to text Donni when my phone vibrated, I got a text message myself. Donni was waiting for me outside. I walked to the door, bag in my hand, and closed it, making sure to properly lock up the house. I laughed as Donni stared at me once I was in the car.
"What?" I finally asked.
"Why is it you despise getting dressed up and when you do, you look amazing?" he asked.
"Hey, don't hate the player hate the game," I replied.
He rolled his eyes as I giggled. This guy was too much. But it was a sweet compliment nonetheless, one that would have made me feel weird if it wasn't from someone I knew since fourth grade.
"You should dress like that more often, I keep telling you. You'd be married by now," he teased.
"Donni shut up, if a guy can't accept me for how I enjoy dressing, then I don't need to waste my time. You know this better than anyone," I said.
"Yeah....I do."
I felt my face twist up. His response struck me in a way I couldn't explain. Was that supposed to mean something? Eh. I shrugged it off and dived into my phone, letting Eva know where I was. Big mistake. She went on and on about the modeling industry until I finally told her not to blame them because she's a shrimp. She told me to get bent. I laughed.
I didn't get to take in the scenery as I planned, so I couldn't use that to find out where we were going. All I know is that when the car stopped, we were in the parking lot of some tall building. Guess Donni wasn't joking, this WAS business.
I got out of the car, wanting to adjust my slacks and make sure I was looking nice enough. Once I was done, I followed Donni into the large building and was in awe as we came across any surrounding. Even the elevator was nicer than it should have been. I continued to follow him, out the elevator, down to the end of the hall, and in front of two, nicely crafted, large double doors. 2012 architecture was definitely a lot more innovative. Adonis stopped before heading in.
"Swear you won't be mad at me after this is over," he said.
I was thrown for a loop. "What?"
"Say you swear." He grasped onto my hand.
"I swear, Adonis."
He squeezed my hand and finally opened the door. I dropped my head, shaking it in shame and smiling at his awkwardness. What was up with thus dude? Swear I won't get mad. Get mad for what? Pfft.
"Hey JC," said Donni.
I stopped dead in my tracks. Di....nahhh. No way. Adonis couldn't have said what I thought he just said. That's not possible right?
"Hey Donni, how you been, man?" replied the familiar voice.
Oh God. I slowly lifted my head and saw the frame of Joshua Chasez. I felt my heart drop into my stomach and start swimming. I felt the anger and embarrassment stir up inside me. Adonis. He set me up. What's even worse is that when JC saw me, his facial expression changed. He didn't know I'd be here.
"Wow. Esamar, it's been a long time," JC said as he embraced me. I felt like I just died.
"It has." I froze! That was all I could manage to get out.
"You certainly look even more amazing since the last time I saw you," he complimented.
"Thank you; I definitely say the same about you." He nodded in appreciation. I went to take my seat next to Adonis and I swiftly placed my hand on his thigh when the attention was elsewhere. He looked over at me and I pinched him, hard. He was good at keeping his composure, but I know he wanted to yell out.
"I'm sorry," he whispered.
"You're dead," I shot back.
Once the attention was back, I removed my hand and went on as nothing happened. JC and two other guys and a woman, all of whom I've never seen before, sat on the opposite side of the board room table of Donni and I. I was beginning to feel quite uncomfortable in the situation. Especially since I'm pretty sure I had no business being there in the first place. I only had two things on my mind. Why did Donni bring me and why JC so pleasant toward me. I was expecting him to hate me after what I did to him. I hated myself for a long time.
"Alright, before we get moving, let me introduce you guys. Adonis, Esamar, this is Alex, Jason, and Anna. Guys, this is the photographer and his....assistant," JC said.
I said my pleasant 'hellos' and gave polite handshakes. But now I wanted to know three things. The hesitance? What for? Okay, I lied. I wanted to know MANY things. The tension was so high in this room and I, for one, know it's not because of history between JC and I. Bad feeling? Yes. Something doesn't feel right.
"So, Donni. We've all discussed the details and the day is three days from now, can you do it?" JC asked.
"Oh yeah, definitely. All we have to do is go over how many angles you'd like to shoot so I can call up my people to see if they'll be available," Donni explained.
What the hell are they talking about? I listened to them all go on for about 45 minutes. I just sat there. I had no choice. And I STILL had no idea what they were talking about. Fuck my life, twice. When the meeting was finally "adjourned", I stood up and quickly shook hands so I could get out of there. I wasn't in the mood I was in when I got there, I was worse. I was so over Donni. I didn't even wait for him nor did I use the elevator. I took the stairs to burn off steam.
"Hey, slow down," I heard JC’s voice say. I paused on the steps and turned around.
"Slowed."
"I um, I didn't expect to see you," he said.
"I.....didn't expect to see you, either."
"It's been awhile, huh?" he asked.
"Two years.....seems there's an obsession with intervals of two," I replied.
"We should get together and catch up," he suggested.
"Sure, that would be cool, when?" I asked.
This isn't cool. I shouldn't have agreed.
"Um, how about now?" he asked.
"Donni's my ride, so I should probably go with him," I replied. Lame ass excuse.
"I can take you home, that is if you're cool with it," he offered.
I nodded. What the! I NODDED!?!?!
I soon realized that this was my subconscious' way of telling me that I needed to talk to JC. It was vital that I talked to him. For closure.....I guess. I followed him out to his car, cursing myself all kinds of stupid. At the end of the day, he was still JC Chasez, the teenage heartthrob, who wasn't even a teen at the time. Talk about skills.
The car ride was silent, as I expected. But soon it wasn't as bad when he began to play the radio. Hearing him sing the lyrics to hit songs made me wonder why pop culture never embraced him. He was barely singing the words, and I felt chills all down my spine. Then again, that could be my own personal bias. I was expecting him to take me to some fancy schmancy place, but instead I was shocked that we pulled into the parking lot of an IHOP. Maybe he does hate me.
As we made our way inside, I noticed the gentleman and courteous manner in him didn't diminish one bit. I was very impressed. JC two years ago wasn't the same JC, and as far as I can tell, I mean it positively. I tried my best not to look at him once we sat down, but I know Jace and he'd find my eyes one way or another. After our orders were taken, things went back to silence. There wasn't a lot of other commotion going on, seeing as how it was still pretty early in the morning.
"Esamar," he said gently. I felt my body tighten and a warm feeling washed over me. The way he said my name.....why did I let this man get away from me?
"Yes."
"I know today has been awkward for you and maybe confusing, but I feel the same way. I wasn't expecting to see you at all. I mean, Donni and I have been talking for months and he's ne--"
"Excuse me, months? You and Donni have been talking for months? This is new," I said. I hid my irritation better than you think. On a brighter note, I've officially disowned Adonis.
"You....didn't know...I'm sorry, maybe we should start from the beginning and work through it."
"Agreed."
"I contacted Donni last year in March, and asked if he could help me out with something. And he said of course. I was pitching ideas and we would go back and forth with what would or wouldn't work. So finally, two weeks ago we decided on something and today was just a meeting with everyone involved. He didn't mention that he'd be bringing you though. He obviously didn't tell you that I was the "business" he had to go to," he explained.
I was taken aback. What kind of best friend do I freakin' have? They have been talking for almost a year! He tells me nothing and then sets me up! Ugh! SO dead.
"Wow, this is a lot to take in. I didn't know you guys still kept in touch. But yes, he did fail to tell me you'd be present," I responded. More snippy than I planned.
"That Donni. So.....how have you been doing?" he asked.
"I've been doing well. I graduated, have a job, got my own place. I say things are fine. How about you?"
"I'm doing great as well. I've been doing some much needed de-stressing and resting, I can't complain," he said. I nodded in agreement and smiled at the thought of him sleeping. "Esa.....I know this is ancient history but I just need to know. Why'd you walk out on me?"
I wasn't prepared to answer this question, but I always knew it'd come one day, just not TOday. It was always something that I thought about. I knew my response, but I'm unsure if I was ever ready to answer it.
"Um....I don't think this is the right time to talk about this," I replied.
"That's what the problem was, right? It was all about timing for you and only you," he said. I heard the hint of aggravation in his voice.
"Josh, you know that's not true."
"I don't know what's true, Esamar.....you left me," he said softly.
"Josh...I was scared, I was very scared. Things were moving way too fast between us and running a lot smoother than I believed."
JC took my hand and held it in his, I felt my body melt at the feeling of his touch.
"Why couldn't you just tell me that.....or try to explain, at least. Why'd you have to disappear? I think I would've preferred if you told me you found someone else. At least I wouldn't have to guess," he said.
"Josh, I was in love with you and it terrified the hell out of me." I didn't expect to tell him I was in love with him, but at least I didn't tell him I still loved him.
"You were in love with me?"
"Yes, Josh....I was," I replied.
"Why were you scared then?" he asked.
"I.....I'd never been in love before. The idea of it and what could happen, didn't sit well with me. I wanted to avoid it."
"Avoid what?"
Come on, C, 21 questions, really?
"Avoid getting my heart broken," I replied.
He nodded slowly. "So you broke mine instead?"
I felt like he shot me right in the heart. Why was he doing this now? I wasn't emotionally all present to be dealing with this. The waiter came upon us and handed us our plates, I was determined to keep conversation minimum, not because of food, but because I had nothing to say. But once again, I know JC, he was waiting for an answer.
"I didn't intend to," I finally answered.
"But you did....and it hurt differently since I knew you loved me as much as I loved you."
I tried to keep my composure. No tears, Esamar. No tears.
"You say you loved me, but how do you even know you meant it at the time?" I asked.
"For a long time I hated myself for believing you would eventually come back. I wanted you to come back," he replied.
At the corner of my eyes, I felt the tears begin to form. Damn it. Stay strong, Esa. Don't be a punk. I bent my head down so I could quickly blink them away.
"You don't always have to be so strong Esamar," I heard him comment.
I wiped my eyes and lifted my head nodding. "Oh yes I do, I do."
"Not with me you don't, I always saw right through it. It doesn't make you less than human if you show emotion."
We continued the rest of our meal in silence and of course, JC stopped me from paying and took care of the meal. He didn't have to do that. I got inside the car and kept my eyes gazing through the passenger window. I felt a light tap on my shoulder and shot my head around.
"Where am I going?" he asked. I punched in my address on his GPS, freakin' high tech car, and turned the volume up in case there was an easier way to go. One thing was sure, I didn't feel very much like talking. I was thinking too much....as always. Did JC still love me?
