It’s the scariest thing I’ve ever seen: this beautiful princess cut diamond engagement ring; and what’s even scarier is the look on his face, this look of happiness and hope and expectation---a look that must be on every face in this room; a subtle begging for me to say yes radiating from everyone’s aura… to squeal and cry and kiss and hug, to not throw up or run away screaming in mortification. To say yes and live happily ever after.
“Keri, I love you. I knew I loved you the moment I first saw you…”
In the moment that he first saw me…
If she says yes I’m going to vomit.
Why can’t I remember that moment?
“It wasn’t your finest moment.” Trace laughs good-naturedly, and so does everyone else.
If she says yes I’m going to vomit all over this three piece tuxedo suit.
“But I’d never seen someone so disheveled look so beautiful. You were the farthest thing from perfect and yet I never knew perfection until I found you.”
In the moment that he first saw me…
I grab a flute of champagne from a passing waiter’s tray and inhale as deep as I can.
Oh God, if I drink this I will surely puke.
I had been crying. Dark bags swelled beneath my bloodshot eyes. I was rummaging through my purse trying to find change so that I wouldn’t have to break a twenty in order to pay for my coffee, and everything from old receipts to newly bought make-up was spilling out, mascara rolling in one direction, lipstick rolling in the other.
I wasn’t matching: a purple sweatshirt paired with neon orange sweatpants and green flip flops. My hair was in an oily makeshift bun.
I had just gotten fired two days prior and by the end of that week rent would be due. My boyfriend of two and a half years had recently dumped me for a job in Arizona because he was terrified of the concept of long distance, and this was our day. January thirteenth was our anniversary date, but the thirteenth was our day.
I was so frustrated with all of the pennies that I kept coming across, with all of the bad luck that seemed to be following me, I almost burst into tears right then and there, until…
As if looking at her, at how gorgeous she looks, is not nauseating enough.
“I’ll take her coffee and a double shot of espresso.” Until he stepped up to the counter and laid down a ten. He glanced at me over his shoulder with a kind smile.
And in that moment, in the moment that I first saw him I felt a sense of relief.
This is fucked up.
“I want to be with you forever. Will you marry me?”
Being with him saved me.
This is her birthday; he’s proposing to her on her birthday… my best friend is proposing to his girlfriend on her birthday in front of all of her friends and family and it’s totally fucked up.
But I can’t say yes.
Because I love her too.
Because I don’t love him back in the same way.
