“Hey boy.” Justin rolled himself into Benny’s stall and gave the horse a light rub on the nose, knowing that it might very well be one of the last time he would be doing this. The horse whinnied in response and bowed his head down to the ground, a sure fire signal that he was hungry. “Yeah, yeah,” Justin yawned. “I’m going as fast as I can here bud.” He reached behind him to pull the sack of feed dangling from one of the handlebars on his wheelchair.

Yesterday, Sheridan had worked a double shift at the hospital. It bothered him, simply because he knew Sheridan was offered extra shifts before and turned them down to spend time with him. When she came home, he tried to ask her about it, figuring his situation with Elisha was the reason she was avoiding him. Of course though, Sheridan acted as if she were perfectly fine…that she simply felt like putting in some extra time at the hospital.

He didn’t believe her for a second.

Instead of worrying about Sheridan for the entire evening however, he called his mother instead. He figured it was better if he did it as soon as possible, so he could get some advice about the situation from somebody who would really be able to understand. Not that Sheridan couldn’t’ understand…it was just that she had never met Elisha, or anybody else close to him for that matter, and couldn’t relate. He was a little nervous about calling his mother of course. He hadn’t called her since they’d fought about his involvement with Sheridan…but for Elisha’s sake, and the baby’s sake he’d pushed everything else to the side.

His mother was surprisingly civil with him. She seemed happy that he’d decided to call her in the first place, so the conversation had gotten off to a good start. Telling her exactly why he’d decided to call her was a different story. First he’d told her about his meeting with Elisha, which she was thrilled to hear about. She told him that she felt he needed to be around his friends…that it wasn’t healthy for him to be cooped up at that ranch all the time. He agreed half heartedly, after all…it was her idea to isolate him in the first place.

Then he’d quickly sprung the reason for his call on her, not wanting to give himself a chance to hesitate. At first, his mother remained silent…as she tended to do when he sprung surprising or disappointing news on her. For a moment, he wasn’t sure how she felt about the situation. This was big, and he knew his mother had enough on her mind. But Justin simply didn’t have a choice…she had to know.

“Pregnant?” Was the first word out of her mouth.

Before he knew what was happening, he’d told her every detail of his luncheon with Elisha…and no sooner was the last word out of his mouth than his mother was on the phone with Karen. He was glad Sheridan wasn’t around for the whole thing. He knew it would have caused her to stress out more about everything that was going on.

Especially since his mother told Karen she would be flying in to discuss all of this with him Tuesday.

And now, Tuesday was only twenty four hours away.

Seeing his mother for the first time in a month should have filled him with excitement and anticipation. Instead, Justin felt sick to his stomach. He didn’t know how to act around his mother now…he knew he couldn’t be ‘himself’ because he wasn’t sure who that was. He knew he couldn’t act like he used to…he simply wasn’t like that anymore. But he knew it would kill his mother even more if he acted like the depressed, unconfident individual that he was now. He didn’t know what he was going to do.

He didn’t know anything anymore.

Sheridan looked like she wanted to crawl under a rock and never come out when he told her about his mother’s visit. It made him feel worse. He felt like he was only causing her more pain by bringing his mother into this…into their lives. But it had to happen…there was no getting around it. Just like there was no getting around telling his mother that he wanted to be with Sheridan.

But his mother hadn’t even brought up the subject on the phone, and that surprised him most of all.

He finished pouring the food into Benny’s trough, and plopped the sack down on the ground. He took in a long breath and sat back into his chair, relaxing for a moment. He wished Trace would show up. He needed to talk to him…he needed to ask him if he was doing the right thing. But Trace wasn’t going to show up. The whole thing…the visits…the pool…everything…it wasn’t real. He’d made that decision on his own. He figured, it couldn’t have been real. Things like that simply didn’t happen…not in real life…not to real people.

“Why didn’t you tell me,” he found himself saying out loud. “Things would have been easier. Now…now I have to change my whole life around all over again.” He closed his eyes, and rubbed his hands over his face. He felt a few tears escape him, most likely due to the stress of the current situation.

The vision came to him almost immediately.

It was a party…exactly who’s party it was he couldn’t begin to remember. All he knew was he was sitting at a table, cell phone in his ear…Trace seated beside him. They weren’t dancing, which surprised him, but then again they could have simply been on a break. He noticed that Trace’s expression wasn’t as care free as it should have been. He looked almost worried, but Justin could tell he was trying as hard as he could to hide it from him.

The voice on the other end of the line sounded garbled. Almost like the teacher on the Peanuts cartoons. He tried to pull the phone away from his ear, but it wouldn’t budge. He hated these daydreams.

“Justin,” Trace spoke up finally.

Justin glanced over at Trace, but for some reason the garbled voice on the other end of the line seemed so much more important than whatever Trace had to say. It was almost hypnotic, and try as he might he couldn’t make himself pay attention to anything else.

“Justin,” Trace repeated. “Justin I need to talk to you.”

He didn’t care.

Then Trace frowned, and shoved himself away from the table. “Great,” he mumbled. “See ya later.”

Justin snapped out of the memory just in time to stop Benny from tearing the sack of feed open. He reached down and pulled the sack out of the animals reach before letting the realization dawn on him…Trace did try to tell him…probably several times before he got fed up with being ignored.

“Oh god,” he moaned. Maybe, if he’d taken five minutes out of his life to listen to Trace they wouldn’t have gotten drunk that night…they wouldn’t have gotten into that accident, and Trace would have been able to raise his child.

“Hey.”

He looked toward the voice, to find Sheridan standing in the stall doorway. He half smiled at her, but didn’t say anything.

“Are you okay?” she asked.

He shook his head.

She sighed, and sauntered up to him, crouching down to meet his level. She grasped his hand in hers. “Me either.”

“Everything is changing again,” he whispered. “I mean…I’m used to all of this now. It’s actually almost enjoyable,” he paused and smiled a little. “Especially since you’re here. But now…now I have to start all over again. All these people I know…they’re expecting me to be like I was before all of this happened.”

She shook her head. “If they’re your friends, they’ll accept you no matter how much you’ve changed.”

He shrugged. “I guess.” Sheridan didn’t know his friends. Granted, some of them were just that…his real friends who always seemed to find the dork inside of him even when he thought he was the hottest guy on earth. But then there were the ones that weren’t around him enough to understand…the one‘s he saw six times a year when he was gallivanting around from city to city…the one’s he had to ‘perform around’ so to speak.

But maybe they wouldn’t care enough to come see him once he was home. He hoped that was the case.

“Do you want me to be around tomorrow,” Sheridan said finally.

He shot her a confused glanced. “Why wouldn’t I want you to be around?”

“Your mom.”

He sighed. “That’s not a reason.”

“Yes it is,” she defended. “The woman hates me.”

“My mom doesn’t hate anybody,” he pointed out. “She just doesn’t know you…and she can’t understand why I’m so into you,” he leaned down and kissed her on the mouth. “But it doesn’t matter. I know why I’m into you…” he paused and winked at her. “That’s all that matters.”

Sheridan frowned. “I hate when you try and avoid the point. Justin, I know you. You think once your mother meets me she’s going to love me, and apologize for being so close minded.”

He nodded, and smiled. “And she will.”

“No,” she groaned. “She won’t. And actually, she’ll probably start packing your bags for you.”

“I’m not ten years old Sheridan.”

She rose from the ground. “Our lives are too different for this relationship to last. The only reason we’re together is because I’m the only girl around…and you’re stuck here.”

“Don’t start this again,” he said gruffly. “We’re past that.”

“Are we really?” she asked. “Because I can’t see you going back to your friends and family, bragging about some college kid named Sheridan that you’ve been dating. That isn’t you Justin.”

“That’s not me?” he scoffed. “How the hell would you know? I mean…it’s not like you totally know me inside and out, Sheridan. Sure…I’m your man and all…but theres a lot you don‘t know. So don‘t sit there and tell me how I‘m going to act around my friends when you barely know what you‘re talking about.”

Sheridan looked down at the ground. “I--”

He didn’t give her a chance to continue her speech. “It’s like you don’t give a shit about this relationship. The second something comes up, and I have to leave…it’s like what we have…what we’ve been through…it doesn’t even matter to you. You‘re more concerned about getting hurt. You know that I would never hurt you intentionally, Sheridan.”

She shook her head. “That’s not it,” she whispered.

“Bullshit,” he barked.

Sheridan sighed loudly, and raised her hands up in the air. “I’m done. I’m not going to stand here and listen to you yell at me. I have enough to worry about.”

“Oh right…,” he rolled his eyes. “Like I don’t.”

“I’ll see you inside,” she said glumly, turning on her heel to walk away from him.

He stared at her retreating backside, the tears welling up underneath his eyelids. What didn’t she understand? He wasn’t doing this intentionally. He was doing this because he had to do it. “What don’t you understand!” he heard himself yell. “Sheridan!”

She kept walking.

He rolled forward a little bit. “Dammit!” he yelled. “I’m fucking…falling in love with you and all you can do is walk away from me.”

She stopped.

He knew what he said. He meant it too. But he was sure, that she didn’t believe him. She didn’t believe anything he said that was positive about their relationship. He was a little sick of it…but he would put up with it.

He really was falling in love with her. “Sheridan,” he whispered. “Would you at least look at me?”

After a moment, she turned to face him again. Tears were running freely down her cheeks now, and she looked more confused than ever before. “Why did you say that?” she asked him after a moment.

He rolled himself over to where she stood, and looked straight into her eyes. “Because it’s the truth.”

She shook her head.

“Yes, Sheridan,” he nodded, reaching out for her hand. “You gotta believe me.”

“How can I?” she sobbed. “How can I believe that, Justin?”

He pulled her down to his level, and grabbed her lips with his. “Sometimes,” he said, once their lips parted. “You just have to go with what your heart tells you.”

She caressed his cheek with her palm. “I want to believe you. But…I’m afraid,” she whispered.

He nodded. “I know you are.”

“Justin--”

“Shhh,” he told her. He kissed her again, this time putting everything he had into it. “Just kiss me, Sher. Please.”

She nodded.

Their lips locked, and in that moment they both seemed to let their emotions flow freely. His lips worked their way down to her neck, before he couldn’t hold back any longer and tugged her shirt upwards, caressing the skin underneath. He wanted to do more…to touch…to explore places on her body she’d never revealed to him before. If he could have…he probably would have ripped her shirt off of her right there. But a stable wasn’t exactly the best place for foreplay…especially in his wheelchair. “I need you,” he found himself saying, not knowing what else to do.

She stared down at him. She seemed a little nervous…maybe even scared…but she was hiding it well. “My mom went to the grocery store,” she told him.

He smiled a little. “Oh yeah?”

She giggled. “Yep.”

“So what should we do about it?,” he asked her, mischievously.

“You need a bath,” she told him, her eyes filled with playfulness. “A real one.”

He reached under her shirt, and began to rub his hands up and down her stomach. Then he looked directly into her eyes and said, “Will you give me one?”

**************

“What’s that thing?”

“It’s a therapeutic bath tub,” Sheridan informed him. “It’s basically only used when you start to get feeling back into your legs. It helps your muscles get stronger. Like…they make special bath salts for it and everything.”

“But in this case?,” Justin said softly.

Sheridan ran the water, and looked up at him. “In this case…we’re just going to use it for common purposes.”

He gazed at the tub, and placed his hand under the running water. “Looks like there’s room for two.”

“Yeah,” she said quickly. She was sure that Justin wanted to do a lot more with her than have her wash him. But she didn’t know if she was going to be able to do what he wanted. She’d never been naked in front of a man before. And the idea of being naked in front of Justin scared the hell out of her. What if he didn’t like what he saw? What if he was disgusted?

She couldn’t deal with that.

He smiled, and splashed some water at her. “You want to get in with me?”

Her throat tightened, and she found that she couldn’t respond.

“Sher?”

She shrugged her shoulders.

“It’s okay if you’re scared,” he whispered. “We don’t have to do anything you don’t want to do.”

“I…” She wanted to tell him the truth. She wanted to tell him that she’d never been naked with a man before, and she almost told him…but then held back. She didn’t know how he would react to that news. Maybe…

Maybe he would tell her that he didn’t think he could love her.

“You’ve never done this before,” he told her.

She tensed up. “Done what?” she asked him stupidly.

He smiled softly. “You’ve never…you know…messed around like this.”

“I-is that a bad thing?”

“Of course not. Actually…I’m kinda excited to be the first one to…”

“See me naked,” she said, speaking for him.

He nodded. “Yeah.”

She let the water fill the tub halfway and then shut it off. “I don’t know if I can do this,” she confessed.

Justin shrugged. “Then you don’t have to. But I mean, I don’t know what you’re worried about. It’s only me and you…and you’re a beautiful girl.”

“You think I’m beautiful?” she gushed.

“Oh c’mon,” he laughed. “You know you’re beautiful.”

“No…I mean…” Her cheeks burned. She turned away from him, not wanting him to see her this way. Other girls her age had lots of experience with men. Marcy’s crazy affair with their first year history professor came to mind. The stories her best friend told her about that experience caused Sheridan to have strange dreams…dreams where she was lying naked with…someone. She was never embarrassed in those dreams, even though she couldn’t see her lover’s face.

“Come here,” Justin took her hand, his eyes drifting over her body.

“Where?”

“Grab a chair.” He threw her a cock-eyed grin and winked.

“Won’t it be awkward that way?”

He laughed. “What?”

“I’ve got a better idea,” she smiled

His eyes grew wide. “You do, huh?”

She grabbed some large towels from a cabinet in the corner of the room and spread them on the floor beside Justin’s chair. She felt his eyes on her back the entire time…scanning her body…secretly undressing her. She trembled a little. “You don’t mind the floor do you?” She said, turning to face him.

“Not at all…but…you already filled the tub,” he smiled.

“Well,” she mused. “Now that I think about it…it’s gonna be too confining for the two of us to be in there. I mean, it’s not all that big.”

“Ohh-hh,” he said. “So you wanna get all into it now huh? You naughty girl.”

She laughed out loud, his comment breaking the tension she felt inside. “So--are you comfortable doing this?”

He stroked his chin in thought. “Well--I do smell like a horse…but other than that yeah, I’m up for it.” He wheeled himself forward a little bit. “As long as you are.”

She smiled. “I can get the sponge.”

“Oh baby,” he snickered. “Where’s the video camera when you need one?”

Sheridan felt her face begin to burn again. “Justin,” she cooed. “Stop.”

“Girl, relax,” Justin said. “This is a big step for us…and I’m not going to let your emotions get in the way of it. Now come on, help me outta this thing.”

Helping Justin to the floor was awkward. It was much different than transferring him from one platform to the next like she usually did. He was too heavy, and she couldn’t get him onto the floor by herself. In fact, Justin had to do most of the work himself. It was painful to watch him slide himself onto the floor, huffing and puffing the entire time…gripping her hand tightly as if his life depended on it. It was then she realized how helpless Justin was at times…and how much he needed somebody like her to be there for him. Somebody that wouldn’t laugh at the tears that were shed every time he had to do something like this. A person that could understand his physical pain…and work him through it.

“You okay,” she asked him softly, once he’d gotten situated on the floor, propped up against the wall for support.

He coughed a little, and paused to catch his breath. “I’m okay,” he managed to say after several moments. “Thanks for that.”

“I--I can’t imagine what it’s going to be like for you when you go back,” she confessed, sitting down on the ground beside him. “Who’s going to do this with you? I mean…nobody can really understand all of this. I know--I‘ve seen other patients deal with the same thing. Their families get too emotional. What if you‘re all alone one day and…and you can‘t get where you need to be. I mean--”

“Sher,“ he interrupted. He looked at her, a tired but happy gaze in his eyes. “You worry about me too much. You know that?”

She sighed. “I care about you.”

He pulled her close to him. “I know.”

She snuggled up to him, letting her head rest on his chest. A moment later she felt his hands underneath her shirt, inching it up slowly. She froze. “Justin.”

“You okay with this?” he whispered.

She looked up at him. He seemed nervous, and it made her feel a little better. She didn’t respond however, she simply nodded instead.

“Let me take it off,” he said to her.

She hesitated for a moment, her nerves starting to take her over. Not wanting to break the moment though, she bit her lip and pulled away from him. “Okay,” she said.

He smiled. “Okay.” He reached out and tugged her shirt upwards, but then frowned when he couldn’t manage to get it off by himself. “Lift up,” he whispered. “I--I can’t get it by myself.”

Sheridan nodded, and pulled the top off quickly. Her eyes widened, realizing that she was only in a bra and sweats now.

“You’re perfect,” Justin whispered, his eyes scanning her body up and down. “Come closer,” he pleaded.

She shifted toward him, her entire body trembling with nervousness and anticipation for what she knew was about to happen. Then she felt his hands on her, running up and down her bare skin, tugging at her bra. Then his lips were on her neck…her shoulder…her bra was coming off.

And she froze again.

“Don’t be afraid,” he whispered in her ear.

“I--I’m so scared,” she confessed, her voice cracking a little. “Justin.”

He held her close to him. “I’m not going to hurt you,” he said softly, stroking the top of her head affectionately. “I promise Sher.”

She looked into his intense blue eyes, and met his lips with hers. She deepened the kiss and suddenly felt something she had never felt before. She really did want him and want to be with him. She wanted to consume him and keep him inside of her where he'd be safe. Where he wouldn’t have to worry about Trace, or anything else, anymore.

She just wasn’t sure how to make him feel the same way he was making her feel right now.

After a moment, she felt Justin’s lips leave hers. “Sher,” he said. “You with me?”

She wouldn’t look at him. She felt stupid…ugly. He must have thought she was a moron, not even knowing the simplest kissing techniques. She looked at the floor. “I just---I don’t really know what I’m doing.”

He curled his finger under her chin and forced her to meet his gaze again. “You’ve really never done this before…made out with somebody?”

She pulled back from him slightly. “I’m so sorry,” she whispered. “This is the last thing you need to deal with right now.”

Her comment seemed to annoy him, and Sheridan held her breath, waiting for him to yell at her for being so immature…so foreign. “Don’t you ever apologize for that,” he grunted. “Do you understand?”

“Justin--”

He silenced her with another soft kiss. “I care about you,” he confessed. “I don’t care what you know or what you don’t know. That‘s not why I care about you so much. I feel this way for…for who you are. I love that you‘ve given my smelly ass a bath even if the stench was unbearable. I love that you‘ve put up with me even when I didn‘t want anybody to come near me. I love that---that I told you about Trace and you didn’t call me crazy and stop talking to me. Sheridan…you‘re truly…christ,” he paused and sniffled a bit, the tears ready to spill out of his eyes. “There’s nobody like you.”

Everything was fuzzy…dreamlike. She felt lightheaded, and hardly noticed her sweatpants being pulled down around her ankles. The world seemed to stop. All she could see was Justin…all she could feel were his hands on her body, touching her places she’d never been touched before. Then she fell into another deep kiss. The room seemed to be spinning…she heard him whispering her name in her ear. She felt the words come out before she could stop herself. “I love you Justin.”

She felt him jump a little, and finally realized what had just happened. Her eyes widened, and she reared back from him slightly. “Oh…”

“I-,” Justin sighed. “I know I care about you,” he said. “It’s just…love…Sher--I don’t know if I can right now. I mean, I know I said I’m falling in love with you…and I meant it. But--I just don’t’ think I’m totally there yet, ya know?”

Sheridan nodded. “I didn’t mean to say that.”

“No, no,” he said quickly, pulling her back toward him. “Just---let’s just leave it at that right now okay? Let’s not ruin this.” He ran his hand up and down her naked form. “You’re beautiful,” he said after a moment. “You really are.”

She smiled, and inched her hand under his shirt. “You’re beautiful,” she told him.

“You can take them off,” he said softly.

She stared at him, her eyes wide. “Your clothes?”

“Go ahead,” he said. “It’s not like you haven’t’ seen me naked before.”

“That’s different,” she said, almost afraid to take his shirt off now. How did she go about it? She knew she wasn’t skilled enough to undress him in a seductive manner.

“Go slow,” he instructed her, disregarding her previous comment. “It’s better if you go slow.”

“Okay,” she said. She rose up on her knees and slowly began to pull his shirt off. Once it was over his head, he made sure to pull her in for a kiss, before willing her to pull it the rest of the way off. He was so good…so smooth…so professional. Even now, in his weakened condition, he was good at this…at kissing, at touching…at foreplay. She knew he’d done this countless times before…but it didn’t matter….

He made it seem like it was the first time.

“Pants,” he whispered, once his shirt was removed entirely. “Now start on the pants.”

With a shaky hand, Sheridan fumbled with his belt buckle and somehow managed to get it undone. She pulled his pants off one leg at a time, being careful not to move his useless appendages the wrong way. She laughed once she laid eyes on his boxer shorts. “Mickey Mouse,” she smiled. “How cute.”

“Don’t laugh,” he smirked. “You know you want them for yourself.”

“Hmm,” she mused. “Maybe I do.”

“Take em off and try them on,” Justin said coolly.

She laughed a little. “Slick are you?”

“You know it.”

She managed to keep her composure while slipping his boxer shorts off, reminding herself that this was Justin and she’d seen everything he had to offer before. When she uncovered him however, what she saw completely surprised her. Justin was excited…very very excited…

“Holy shit,” she heard him say.

“I--.” She couldn’t speak. She couldn’t breath. Justin had an erection. A big one. One that he obviously couldn’t control.

“I can’t feel it,” he said finally.

She met his gaze. “Justin--”

“Just…just put them back on,” he said, looking away from her. “Dammit…I’m a freak,” he said, the playfulness in his voice gone. “I thought this was a good idea…I shouldn’t have asked you to do this. It’s gross.”

She shook her head. “It’s beautiful.” She slid over to him and leaned her head on his shoulder. “I don’t care what you think about it.”

“I can’t even--be with you the right way,” he said sadly. “Look at me…look at this pathetic shit. I can‘t control this…I can‘t do anything.”

She gave him a reassuring kiss on the mouth. “Justin please,” she pleaded. “Just…just be thankful that we’re here…and we’re able to be alone together. Who cares about the rest?”

He finally met her gaze. “Do you have any idea how hard this is for me…sitting here with you like this…not being able to--you know.”

She shrugged. “Maybe I don’t want to…you know.”

He stared at her for a moment. “What do you mean?”

She bit her bottom lip. “Nothing.”

A few awkward moments of silence passed. Sheridan knew this was a good opportunity to confess her virginity to him. She was almost sure he would understand…but a tiny part of her was still insecure about the idea.

Justin spoke first. “Sheridan.”

“Yeah,” she managed.

“Have you ever had sex before?”

She didn’t move. She barely breathed. She hadn’t expected him to come right out and ask her that. But given the fact that they were sitting side by side, as naked as the day they were born, she couldn’t really blame him for being so bold. She met his gaze. “Sex?” she whispered.

He nodded.

“I…” She looked down at the ground. “Does it matter?”

“Well…no,” he decided. “I just---it’s just something I’ve been curious about.”

“I don’t think it matters,” she defended.

“Fine.”

He sounded a little bit hurt, but that didn’t mean she was going to break down and tell him. Even though she knew he’d probably figured out the truth a long time ago. Why was she so afraid to tell him? She was naked for Christ’s sake. “Justin.”

“No…I don’t care,” he snapped. “It’s fine.”

“Oh god,” she groaned. “Look, I’m sorry--”

“You’re naked and you can’t even tell me the truth,” he muttered. “That’s fucked up.”

“Oh whatever,” she said, tugging away from him. “You wouldn‘t tell me if you hadn‘t had sex before either.”

“But I‘ve had sex,” he pointed out.

She rolled her eyes. “I don’t see what this has to do with you feeling bad about your fucking dick being hard.”

He shrugged. “I guess it’s irrelevant.” He rolled his eyes. “I guess we’re finished here.”

“We are?,” she whispered.

“I can’t be around you like this…if you can’t be totally honest and open with me. I hate secrets, Sher.”

She laughed. “You hate secrets Justin? That’s really funny…because you haven’t even attempted to tell me about that night--”

“Don’t,” he interrupted. “Don’t go there.”

“Oh…so it’s okay for you to have a secret.”

“It’s not a secret,” he defended, his tone rising. “That’s something….it’s different.”

“How is it different?”

“Because it is!”

Sheridan didn’t know what to do. Here she was…naked with a man for the first time, and all she could do was fight with him. This was supposed to be a special day…full of love and kisses and all that mushy gushy stuff that made her yak. But of course, Justin had to go and pry into things she didn’t’ want to talk about. “So what if I am,” she muttered. She was giving in…but she didn’t care. She figured if anything…it might get him to talk about his accident.

He shot her an annoyed glance. “What?”

“I’ve never had sex,” she got out. “Are you happy now?”

He didn’t respond. He simply pulled her closer to him, and began to toy with her hair. She wanted to pull away from him…it pissed her off that he’d gotten that out of her so easily. But she didn’t. She couldn’t. She loved being close to him…his hands on her skin.

“That night,” he started. “I--I want to tell you…but…I just…I don’t know if you’ll ever look at me the same way.”

“Justin,” she sighed. “I could never---think badly of you.” She looked into his eyes, willing him to unleash the pain she knew was trapped inside of him…begging to be let out. “You can tell me.”

“I--,” he whispered. A few tears escaped him, and rolled down his face. “Nobody knows what happened, except Elisha, because she was there before we left. But--I know she wouldn’t say anything. My mom--she thinks I fell asleep. The police---the found some bottles in the car, but--my family--Trace’s family…they insisted that it’d been there all along. That we bought it for a party or some crock of shit.” He laughed sadly and rubbed the tears out of his eyes. “It was all a bunch of bullshit, Sheridan. The whole world…they all pity me. “Oh“, they say “poor Justin…falling asleep…they work him too hard”. But I fucking…” he paused and buried his head in his hands. “I fucking murdered him, Sher. I could have stopped it…but I just---I just didn‘t care. And the last thing…the last thing he heard me say to him before we crashed was how stupid he was for making me spill that bottle of Jack all over my interior.”

She was silent, and felt her body stiffen up. She didn’t know what to do or what to say. She’d shared a similar situation with her father’s death…blaming herself for his accident. But this…this was much more intense. She pictured the scene in her mind. A high and mighty Justin was at the wheel…his best friend at his side, chugging a bottle of Jack Daniels Tennessee Whiskey. Perhaps he passed it to Justin, and in his drunken state accidentally dropped the bottle. No doubt, the car they were driving was an expensive one…and Justin…well…she knew he couldn’t handle it when his favorite jeans got messy, let alone an expensive car.

“You asshole!” she heard him yell. “Just look!”

Then she heard it. Tires screeching…painful cries…and then-- the final outcome.

“Sheridan?” she heard him whisper.

She looked at him again, realizing that the Justin she’d just envisioned was very different from the Justin that sat before her. There were two sides to this man. The broken one…and the normal one. And the one that sat before her now was the broken one. She needed to know the normal Justin, she realized. Only then would she be able to understand, love, and trust him completely.

Sheridan took his hand and gave it a gently squeeze. His body was shaking, and his eyes were wide. She knew he was trying to hold it all in…to be a man. “It’s okay. Justin…I’m here okay?”

He looked at her. “I was driving that car.”

She nodded. “But it wasn’t your fault.” She gave him a gentle kiss and placed her hands on either side of his face.

“But it was,” he croaked. “We were drunk…and I’ve been a lot drunker than that before, and still known what I was doing. I could have said no…let’s get a taxi. But I had to be a man about it. I had to ‘handle it’. He’d still be here…” He stopped, and as much as he seemed to hold back, another audible sob was let out. Then he hunched over, his body shaking. “Oh my god,” he whispered. “Sheridan…” he reached out, and grabbed onto her to steady himself. “He’d be alive right now.”

She rubbed her hands up and down his trembling form. “Shhh,” she said soothingly. “Justin…shhh.” She snaked her arms around him from behind and began to rock him gently.

“I’m sorry,” he sobbed. “I didn’t want to tell you like this.”

“You needed to tell me,” Sheridan told him. “You needed to tell somebody.”

He let out a shaky sigh. “I’m so glad…that it was you.”

She rested her chin on his shoulder, and kissed his neck. “I won’t give up on you.”

And she wouldn’t. She knew Justin needed help finding himself again, and she was determined to get to the bottom of who he truly was inside. This distance thing…it just wasn’t an issue anymore. Now more than ever, she knew he needed her. H needed her to be there and love him. He needed to be reassured that even if everybody else turned their backs on him…she would still be there in the end.

“You don’t think it was my fault,” he asked her, a glint of hope in his voice.

“It was an accident,” she told him. “Look at me.”

He did. “Sher--”

“It was an accident, Justin. Maybe…there were some bad decisions made…but it wasn’t your fault that it all back fired. Things just…they happen,” she nodded. “There’s no sense dwelling on things you can’t change. You just…have to make it better. I think Trace would want you to help yourself right now…don’t you?”

He was silent for a moment, then smiled a bit, as if he were remembering something. “Yeah…he would.” He pressed his lips against hers, and Sheridan was pulled into another deep kiss. “Thank you for…letting me tell you about all that. And…I’m sorry if I pushed you to tell me about…the sex thing.”

Sheridan gasped, realizing she’d nearly forgotten that she told him that. “Oh…”

“You don’t need to be embarrassed,” he said knowingly. “It doesn’t matter to me, Sheridan. You’re still the same person to me.”

“So we’re even now,” she whispered.

He smiled. “At least until…well…until I regain control of myself.”

“Justin…”

“Shh,” he whispered. “Just kiss me.”

************

Yesterday was truly amazing. Being so intimate with Sheridan was something Justin hadn’t been expecting…this soon anyway. But she’d opened up to the idea…gotten naked with him…and told him something about her that was so personal, he couldn’t help but confess to her the one memory that plagued him night and day.

And the best thing was…she didn’t think it was his fault. Did that mean he was going to stop blaming himself though? It wasn’t likely. He still felt responsible…and he didn’t think anything would ever be able to take that feeling away. Hell, Trace could have come back from the dead and kicked the shit out of him to make him believe it wasn’t his fault, and Justin knew he would still feel guilty.

He heard Karen sigh, and immediately fixed his gaze back on her. “Sorry,” he said, knowing he hadn’t been paying attention to anything she was trying to help him with.

“You’re not into this right now,” Karen nodded.. “And understandably so.”

His mother was coming today. And he was thankful Karen understood how nervous the situation was making him. No, she wasn’t pleased with him, and he didn’t expect her to be…but she knew what was going on…she knew his mother was coming to talk business. And hell…he knew Karen was probably almost as worried about all of this as he was. “I’m nervous.”

“You haven’t seen your mother in a month. Of course you are,” Karen said, tugging on his hand a little. “Come on, sit up. If you’re not going to do the machines…you can at least get some standing time in.”

He sighed, but agreed, and let her help him to his feet. “I hate this.”

“Today isn’t a good day to be negative,” she chuckled, securing him down to the standing board.

“No I mean…not this,” he pointed to the board. “I just…being helpless. I hate it.”

“You’re not as helpless as you think,” Karen said. “And I don’t know…maybe…going back home will help you see that. At first, I really thought being secluded would help you to get past some of your pain. But Justin, you’re not like my other patients. I don’t know,” she mused. “You’re unique. But I’ve had a lot of fun experimenting with you.”

Justin smiled, but it faded after a moment. She’d ‘had’ a lot of fun? He was confused. Karen was making sound like she wasn’t going to see him anymore. He laughed a little. “What do you mean had? It‘s not like I‘m cured or anything.”

“Oh well…I mean we’re basically parting ways here. You’re going home…and I’m staying here. I’m sure we’ll still see each other of course…because of Sheridan.” She turned away from him and began to tidy up the room.

“Karen.”

“Hmm.”

“You mean…you’re not going to work with me anymore?”

She was silent. Obviously, she knew he didn’t know about this part of his moving home…and she’d told him the only way she knew how. “Well…I really can’t. Los Angeles is too far of a commute for me, and I have a waiting list that I need to take on. I’ve been considering opening up my practice again…like it used to be before my husband died. When you’re mother comes…I’m going to go over some different doctors with the two of you. Don’t worry…I won’t put you in the wrong hands Justin.”

He didn’t get it. He thought Karen was committed to helping him get well again. Now it seemed like it was too much of a burden on her. It pissed him off. “How can you just…turn your back on me? I was starting to get better. I mean, I can try harder than I am now…if that‘s the problem. Just…say you’ll work with me okay?”

“Justin…please don’t take this the wrong way. I think you’re forgetting…I’m a professional. I can’t just drop everything in my life because you and my daughter have…something. I’ll find you a good doctor…”

“I don’t want another fucking doctor,” he interrupted. “You have something good going with me, Karen. I can’t lose that now.”

“I’m sorry,” she whispered, the pain in her voice apparent now. “I would like nothing more than to help you. But--you have things you need to do, and so do I.”

“I can’t believe this,” he whispered.

“It’s for the best, Justin,” Karen nodded. “Try to think positive…about the good things. You get to go home and be with your family…that’s the most important thing.”

“I’ll pay you more,” Justin said, with more confidence. “I’ll pay you three times what you could make with anybody else.”

“Justin,” she laughed. “No.”

“Why!” His face was hot, and his breathing became more rapid as he spoke. “I can’t…I can’t just get used to somebody else.”

“Yes you can,” she told him. “I’ve had patients do it before.”

“I’m not like everybody else,” he said angrily. “You must really not give a damn about me.”

“Justin--” The phone rang, causing Karen to stop speaking.

“Better get that,” Justin muttered. “Might be more important than my helpless ass.”

She started toward the phone, but his comment caused her to turn back and face him. She folded her arms under her breasts and narrowed her eyes at him. “Don’t make me out to be the bad person here, Justin. This is happening because of a decision that you made.”

“Like Elisha getting pregnant was my choice!” he cried. “Karen…” he paused, and took in a breath. He wanted to keep his composure right now. He realized that Karen didn’t deserve to be treated this way…not after everything she’d done for him. “Look…I’m asking you to please reconsider. I--I need you. I‘m not comfortable doing this stuff with anybody else.”

The phone stopped ringing, and an awkward moment of silence passed before either of them spoke again.

Karen reluctantly let a smile escape her. “Justin…you’ll do just as well with one of my colleagues, as you’re doing with me.”

He shook his head. “No.”

“Yes.”

“I can’t…but I can’t be carefree around anybody else. Karen, don’t you get it…besides Sheridan, you’re the only one who’s been around to see me fall, and pick me back up again, without making me feel like a total asshole. How am I supposed to find that kind of trust in somebody else?”

“If you’re strong enough to move out of here…you’re strong enough to do anything,” Karen explained.

“I’m only moving because I have no other choice.”

“You have a choice,” Karen pointed out. “You can tell that girl to find somebody else to help her for right now, and you can stay here and get your damn life together. That’s what you can do, Justin.”

She seemed to be angry. He didn’t know why. It wasn’t like she could understand the situation….about Elisha, and what she was going through. She hadn’t known Trace, and she didn’t know how much he had meant to Elisha…how in love they were. The only person that really knew their relationship as well as Trace did was himself…that was why he didn’t have a choice but to leave this place. “So you’re pissed because I’m going to help out my friend,” he said, letting out a sad laugh. “That’s the reason.”

“Not pissed,” she grumbled. “I’m just disappointed. You were doing so well. You were starting to get into your therapy…and you and Sheridan were beginning to understand what it is to have the sort of relationship that you do. I guess I just feel…that you’re throwing everything you’ve worked for away for somebody else’s comfort.”