“Good,” he’d sneered, a little more loudly than he should have. “I hope you get stuck here forever. I hope you have to watch the most gruesome shit, like when Rachael changes my catheter. I hope you can smell it and gag when she changes the shit bag.”
“Nice.” Trace crossed his arms and stared ahead, surveying the guests scattered around Justin’s oversized living room. “You know J, if you were dead, I wouldn’t hold you back.”
“You’re a piece of shit, Trace. I can’t believe...I mean you can come and talk to Rachael but you can’t come talk to me?”
He’d laughed a little, his eyes widened in a sort of surprise. “Wow, she told you about that?”
Justin had ignored him. He figured Trace would just vanish again as long as he did it. It had always seemed to work in the past, after all.
“I needed to talk to her,” Trace explained a moment later. “She needed me more than you did.”
“Fine,” he’d grunted. “So go then.”
“I can’t go,” he’d said, a little more roughly. “You’ve never wanted to understand that, and you still don’t.”
“What’s to fucking understand? You’re dead, and I’m here in this wheelchair.” He’d muttered it and pushed the joystick forward so he could maneuver himself out of the crowded living room and down the hallway.
He didn’t expect the footsteps that followed behind him, and he certainly wasn’t expecting them to be Trace’s when he reached the foyer and turned himself back around. “What are you still doing here?”
“You’re the one who was just yelling at me for not coming around,” Trace laughed. “You’re unbelievable.”
“I can’t just have you here one minute and gone the next,” Justin had told him angrily. “I...I miss you too much, and it’s not fair.”
“I agree,” Trace had shot him a sarcastic little smirk.
“So then...fine, this is it, I guess.” Justin hadn’t looked at him for a moment, but something seemed to force him to the next.
Trace rolled his eyes and let out a long, heavy sigh. “C’mon, that’s not closure. I need closure from you.”
“Closure?” Justin propelled himself slightly forward, so he was literally inches from his dead friend. “How the fuck do you expect me to give you closure?”
“I forgive you,” Trace had told him after a moment, seeming to only half mean it. “I do, okay? You...it wasn’t your fault. It wasn’t anybodies fault. So...just be happy.”
Justin looked down at the beer in his hand, wondering if Rachael had laced it with something for added measure. He wouldn’t have blamed her, if that was the case.
“You’re not drunk, I just need you to understand this,” Trace said, his tone more desperate now. “Just tell me you understand, and that you don’t need me anymore.”
Justin had cocked his head to the side, beginning to realize that Trace was almost pushing him to give him these responses, like his entire being depended on it. “Why are you pressing me now?”
Trace’s expression fell. “I’m not...pressing anything.”
“Trace, I know you better than anyone,” he’d pointed out. “What’s your deal? Are you here...are you gone? What? Because I keep wondering if I’m crazy, or just stressed...and now with Rachael seeing you too...”
“I wish I never even talked to her, you know?” Trace had grunted, and pounded his fist against the wall. “I just...I couldn’t help myself.”
Justin stared at him good and hard for a while before speaking up again. “What’s up with you and her?”
Trace, naturally, had just crossed his arms and looked away from him.
“Well?”
“I miss ‘er, that’s all.”
“You know, Elisha hasn’t said a thing about seeing you,” he’d pointed out, loving the fact that he’d seemed to be the one annoying Trace for once.
“Yeah, well maybe I don’t want to see her. Maybe I don’t want to freak her out.”
“But you’ll freak out Rachael? That’s okay?”
“You don’t get it, you wouldn’t understand.” He’d began to pace back and forth across the foyer.
“Spare me,” Justin had said tiredly. “Look, maybe I should go, and you should go...wherever it is that you go.”
This time there were tears in his eyes, and Justin wasn’t sure what was going on. “Trace, what’s the problem? You’re all emotional, this never happens.”
“I thought I could get her to talk to you about this,” Trace had finally said. “I just...I figured she could convince you, but then I realized that she barely believed what she was seeing. The only person that really knows me, and believes that I’m here, is you...and well, that’s a lost fucking cause.”
Justin shifted a little in his chair. “So wait...you’re saying...what are you saying exactly?”
“I’m saying that I can’t go anywhere unless you get your shit together!” He yelled at him this time, and Justin quickly looked all around him, to see if anybody else had heard. “Have a happy fucking family reunion. Make sure to give my parents the best for me, you know...since I can’t.”
He’d vanished in a split second.
Justin was lost. Completely. The first time he’d seen Trace, finally seen him in weeks, and all he’d done was argue with him. It wasn’t the way he’d wanted things to go at all, and he was more confused than ever. It was obvious that there was more to Trace’s presence, just as he’d thought all along, but he had no idea what the reason was, or what he was supposed to do to ‘seek closure’ or ‘get his shit together’. Didn’t Trace realize he wouldn’t walk again? Would never be normal again? No...because he didn’t have a chance to explain himself. Trace had been angry from the moment he appeared in the living room, and Justin realized he’d probably visited him to blow off steam more than anything else. Trace had seemed frustrated, panicked, the way he acted when he had a deadline to meet that wasn’t working out the way he wanted it to. Justin felt guilty, he wanted to help his friend, but what could he do? He didn’t have a clear explanation...
He spent the rest of the weekend in a fog, trying to decipher Trace’s visit to the best of his ability, even though he should have been carefree, since his house was full of guests. Nobody seemed to notice his despondent attitude though. His mom was too busy being swooned by his dad that she had been without for too long, and Elisha had been preoccupied with Trace’s parents. They’d seemed to have taken her on in Trace’s absence, Belinda taking her on trips to the mall and Juan cooking special dinners in her honor. It was as if she was living a separate life from himself and his cousin for those few days, completely immersing herself in their comfort. A comfort that Justin knew he’d never have again.
He didn’t think Elisha deserved it.
The long weekend came and went, and Justin forced a smile for the family Tuesday morning as they left his house one by one, making sure to reassure them all that he’d make the effort to come home for Christmas, as much as it killed him inside to even think of the prospect. He hadn’t been home since the accident, mostly because he’d been away, and too weak to fly in the beginning. But now he wasn’t. His doctor even told him he was free to fly, sail, whatever he felt he wanted to do. He had no excuses anymore, but he was still hesitant about going. Trace’s grave was only a few miles from his mother’s house, and he’d never even been there before. He didn’t think he’d be able to handle seeing it. It would almost seal the deal in a way...
It would almost push him into closure.
And the more he thought about that, the more he realized what Trace had been trying to tell him to do. He should have hopped the first flight out. A true friend would have taken the hint and done it. But he just...couldn’t let Trace go. He was selfish. He wanted to continue talking to Trace, even if it meant holding him back, or driving himself crazy. It didn’t matter. Even though time had passed and Sheridan had come into his world, causing himself to fall in love and feel a little bit better about his life in general, it didn’t mean that he’d forgotten about the pain of losing his best friend. He figured if he was holding Trace back, he could continue to do it. Trace wouldn’t have a choice but to stick around.
It reassured him. It must have meant that he didn’t have to give up Trace if he didn’t want to. For once, he was in complete control over something in his life.
“Your mom leaves the day after tomorrow,” Rachael told him a few nights after his family had left, as she was helping him into bed.
“Really?” He’d questioned her. “She didn’t even tell me.”
Rachael had only rolled her eyes as she straightened out his legs on the bed. “She doesn’t want to. She’s determined to make up some excuse so Paul will tell her to stay, but what she doesn’t know is that he and I talked, and I basically told him if he didn’t make her go home, I would.”
Justin raised an eyebrow, but chuckled a little bit. “When did you start standing up to my mom?”
“Well...” she smirked, and covered him with the blanket. “I didn’t really stand up to her. I sort of made your dad the pawn. I hope you won’t lose too much respect for me.”
“Did you call the car guy?” Justin asked automatically, casting away the prospect of being able to lose respect for his cousin. It was something he had taken a severe interest in after the reevaluation, since Doctor Rinaldi had brought it up to him. He remembered how much he’d missed driving, but he hadn’t bothered bringing up the idea to his mother again. She was still wary of that, always told him he had people who could take him wherever he wanted to go, and he grew tired of pushing the issue with her. She didn’t get it. It wasn’t about going someplace. It was about him becoming independent again. He’d talked to Rachael about it privately, when he was sure nobody else was around, and she agreed to help him if she could.
“He’s coming next week,” she’d reassured him with a light rub on the shoulder. “It was like becoming a member of the CIA to keep it from your mom, but I managed. This way, you’ll be able to learn, buy the car, and she won’t be able to stop you once she gets back out here. I mean, I feel a little bad Justin, but you need to do this. You really do.”
Justin didn't say anything, just smiled at her as she went around and began to fix his catheter for the night. For the first time since he’d been home, he began to feel sublimely happy. Like...things were starting to work out just a little bit. Rachael was ready to accept Sheridan, his mother was getting out of his hair for at least a month, and he was going to start driving again. He wanted to do something for his cousin, because of all she’d been dealing with, but he had no idea what. “Rach...I don’t even know what I can do to repay you for everything you’re doing.”
It took a few more minutes, but she finally came back around the bed to face him again. “Don’t bother me when Vince and I are in the guest house,” she laughed a little bit as she sat down on the edge of the bed.
“Done.”
They shook on it.
“Make sure you call Sheridan,” she reminded him as she leaned over to give him a quick peck on the forehead. “I’ve already started calling people about the party, and Vince says he’ll fly out the morning after your mom leaves. I want to do it on Saturday, and you can just have her stay for however long you want, Justin.”
He’d smiled, his eyes drooping tiredly as she rambled on about the coming weeks. He’d never been more thankful that she was there with him, handling things, making sure he was happy and that he felt secure in himself. It had been too long since he’d felt that way around family, and he never wanted her to leave.
“Elisha has a big ultrasound next week too...”
It was the last thing he’d heard before he drifted off to sleep.
He wanted Sheridan to be happy to hear from him, but he knew why she couldn’t be. Three weeks without a solid conversation with him had probably torn her apart, considering their emotional goodbye. Justin knew if things had been the other way around, and she’d ignored him for three weeks, he doubted he would have even let her talk to him. So he was surprised when he called that she hadn’t yelled at him and called him the scum of the earth. If anything, she’d sounded let down and sad, not that it was any better of course. He hated when she was down and was immediately brought back to the day he’d been forced to leave the ranch. She’d tried to remain strong for him, but all too quickly broke down, and in that moment Justin had known how much he meant to her...how real their love was.
Sheridan was curious why he hadn’t called her since that first week, but Justin hadn’t wanted to tell her everything over the phone. There was too much to explain, and too many things he needed to tell her in person. Like the fact that he probably wouldn’t walk again. He knew Karen hadn’t told her. She was too hell bent on making Sheridan focus on the other things in her life, and for once he was a little bit glad. He wanted to be the one to tell her what happened, to help her through the reality of it in his own way.
So instead of being emotional over the phone, he invited her to the house for the weekend instead. Sheridan had been skeptical for a moment, asking about his mother, but the moment he told her his mother wasn’t going to be around, she seemed to light up right away and forget about the three weeks he hadn’t spoken with her. It was exactly what he’d wanted to happen. Sure, she was still a little weary of the people in his house and their opinions about her, but he assured her that he would handle it, that she shouldn’t be worrying about other people.
The rest seemed all too easy.
So here she was, sitting by his side now. It seemed like a dream. Like it was too good to be true...to easy to be called reality. She’d came, kissed him, and let him hold her in his arms. Their happiness had only been put on hold when he’d fallen in the bathroom again, and had to explain what had been going on the whole time they’d been apart. Naturally it had caused an argument, more because he’d been embarrassed that she’d seen him at his lowest more than anything else. She’d escaped him for a walk in his yard afterwards, and part of him thought that she’d be gone when he got back downstairs. He knew it was a realistic thought. He really had kept too much from her, and acted like everything was perfectly okay with him for the first hour or so that she was in his house. It wasn’t the same man that she’d known at the ranch. At the ranch he’d been completely honest with her, but here...at home, it was so different. He was confused, unable to trust the people around him at times, and he’d been living that way for so long, he’d forgotten that none of that applied to Sheridan. It wasn’t fair to her, and he knew that, but he didn’t know if she was going to let him have another chance. Despite the fact that he loved every part of her, he also knew how weak she could be at times...how she could crumble, so he was a little surprised when he’d discovered her in the kitchen after he’d gotten himself out of his standing frame and back into his wheelchair. Her voice had been the thing to make him do it. It had sounded like she was talking to somebody, and so he figured she and Rachael must have been getting to know each other a little more. Wanting to encourage it, he decided to make the effort and go into the kitchen on his own. But when he finally managed to do it, he only found Sheridan standing there with a drink in her hand, muttering to herself. It had confused him, and the look on her face when she realized he was watching her confused him even more. It was like she didn’t know where she was, or...where the person she’d been talking to had gone.
It reminded him of himself at times.
But he didn’t feel like opening up that part of himself just then. There were more important things to discuss other than his “visions”, and so he just let it go, decided that she was just confused and put out by what had taken place so far since she’d arrived. To make the best of things, he’d kissed her and told her to forget about everything...to just come sit outside so he could introduce her to his other friends properly. Of course, he never would have told her this either, but he needed her then. It was the first time he was really going to be around his friends in a great while, and having Sheridan by his side, he knew, would make a great change in his mood
Rachael had done a great job planning and getting everybody she could out to the house. With Elisha, himself, and Sheridan included, their little party was composed of ten people. No, it wasn’t the biggest gathering he’d ever had, and sure, there were some people he wished could have made it that didn’t. But it was still nice. It was still nice to know that the people there today cared about him, and didn’t hold a grudge against him because of Trace, even though he was sure they all missed him very much. JC, Joey and his wife Kelly had showed along with Marty his choreographer, Jason his personal trainer, Rachael of course, and her boyfriend Vince who had been staying at the guest house for a few days, and Nikki DeLoach, who he’d been friends with from the time he was in the Mickey Mouse Club, but had always been known to be closer to Trace than himself. She’d been an original member of the girl group Innosense that his mother had tried to take over and manage years ago. During that time she and the other girls had lived under the same roof as himself and Trace. It gave him a warm feeling inside when he’d first seen her, and they’d hugged for a long time. Sheridan hadn’t said anything when he’d introduced her of course. She seemed terrified of meeting another strange girl. Nikki seemed to be so thrilled to see him though, that Sheridan’s shyness hadn’t effected her.
The tension between Sheridan and his friends hadn’t gone unnoticed by him of course. They all seemed to study her from their various spots around the table. He knew they wanted to understand her, wanted to know what made her special enough to be a part of this gathering. He didn’t blame most of them. He was friends with these people because they respected his privacy and his families privacy. They’d always liked him for him, and that was all. It was going to take some time, he told himself. They were all going through the same thing he was, at a less intense level. Of course...the fact that Elisha seemed to despise Sheridan’s presence wasn’t helping. It was obvious she hadn’t made his girlfriend feel welcome. He’d been able to read that on Sheridan’s face like a book when she’d first come into his bedroom that morning.
He studied Elisha from across the table. Naturally, she’d chose to sit next to JC today, and he could tell that they were using the party to have themselves a little bit of a date while spending time with him at the same time. They smiled at each other, and he kept putting a hand on her baby bump, rubbing it gently as he talked to her. She kept laughing. She was happy. He was making her happy even though her fiance was dead.
He was ready to tell her to just get out, to go live with JC if he was making her so fucking happy. Maybe Sheridan could move in instead. Maybe he’d just tell his mom that he was going to do it, and he didn’t care about her opinion anymore.
“Justin.”
Rachael had been sitting on the other side of him since the party had officially started, and was nudging him now. He glanced at Sheridan quickly, but she was staring out into space, her face pale, seemingly lost in thought. He didn’t get it. Suddenly it seemed as if the entire day was beginning to fall apart. “What?” He snapped at his cousin.
She pointed across the table. Joey and Marty were smiling at him stupidly from the other side of the table. He realized they had probably been trying to get his attention for some time, but he’d been in a daze, thinking about all this shit. He felt bad. He hadn’t seen them or talked to them in quite some time, and they really were two of his closest friends. “Sorry,” he said, chuckling lightly as he stole another glance at his girlfriend.
“Your head is in the clouds, J,” Marty remarked with a smirk. “I think you need something to pick you up. Let’s go out to the basketball court.”
He hadn’t been out to his own basketball court since he’d been home. It was a foreign place to him now, and basketball seemed even more foreign. He couldn’t play anymore...not in a wheelchair, not without looking like some kind of freak. “Oh, I don’t think I’m up for it,” he told them with a fake smile. “You guys go on though. Don’t let me stop you.”
“Oh come on, J.” JC spoke up suddenly, and all eyes turned to him. “We can play two on two, and we even have a cheerleading squad today.”
Elisha giggled like an idiot and rested her head on his shoulder.
“I’m good,” he said, holding back the urge to snap a sarcastic remark at his would be friend. “Go ahead if you want to play.”
“Oh come on, lug head,” Rachael pressed. “At least go down there with them, just to watch. You don’t have to play or anything. Maybe Sheridan could play. You like basketball, right Sher?”
Sheridan didn’t respond. She was still in that daze, and Justin was becoming more confused by the minute.
“Speak up,” Elisha finally said, in a cold tone. “Come on Sheridan, stop being so damn stuck up.”
The table fell completely silent. His friends looked to each other for some kind of answer, knowing that the tension between Elisha and Sheridan was excruciatingly high
Justin glared at Elisha, not believing how much she was probably embarrassing his girlfriend in front of people she’d only just been introduced to. “Look, we dont’ want to play.” He fumbled his hand over the joystick, and finally maneuvered himself back from the table. “Come on, Sher. We’ll go inside. Don’t worry about it.”
She still didn’t do respond. She didn’t even look at him. Her gaze was focused intently in the distance now, like she was looking at something, but when he looked...there was nothing there. It was as if she had lost it, gone crazy in the span of a couple of hours.
“Sheridan!” He snapped at her, feeling himself beginning to tremble. “What’s the problem!”
Everybody looked at him.
“Um...how about you all go down to the court,” Rachael immediately suggested to the rest of the guests. She stood up from the table quickly and began to clear the empty paper plates and plastic cups into a garbage bag. “I’ll bring down some refreshments in a little while, we can have the cake later.”
It took a few moments, but Marty, ever the instigator, got up and motioned for everybody to follow him. Soon, the table was deserted aside from himself, Rachael and Sheridan. Not even Elisha had stayed. She’d taken JC’s hand that he’d held out for her all too quickly, and hadn’t looked back at them as he led her off the deck and into Justin’s yard.
r32;“What the hell was that?” He snapped at Rachael once everybody was out of earshot. “What the fuck is up with Elisha?”
“Go inside, Justin,” Rachael muttered. “Take Sheridan with you.”
He was confused. The person that had seemed to have all the logical answers for him over the last few weeks, was now stone silent, ignoring him, sending him into the house like he was a child. “Rachael...”
“Go.”
He gritted his teeth, infuriated. “I’m not just going to go inside!” He yelled at her. “I want to know what the hell her problem is!”
Rachael dropped the trash bag in her hand and turned back to him. Sheridan, he noticed, had snapped out of her daze for the moment and was looking back at Rachael now, her eyes wide, waiting for the inevitable to happen. Justin swallowed hard, partially in fear, and partially because he could sense something had gone down unbeknownst to him. Something...he knew...that he didn’t want to know.
Sheridan got up before either of them could say anything, and with one final look at Justin, walked inside the house with tears in her eyes.
It took Rachael a few minutes, but she finally walked over to one of the chairs closest to Justin’s wheelchair and sat down, sighing heavily before speaking to him again. “Look,” she began, that rational, logical tone that he’d gotten so used to hitting his ears, and for the first time he wasn’t happy to hear it. “I thought this was a good idea, you and her. But now...maybe...I don’t know...maybe Elisha is right. She was saying even before Sheridan got here how she was an outsider who didn’t belong, and I doubted her at first but now I’m not so sure. Maybe...maybe Sheridan doesn’t belong here, Justin. Maybe she’s not as great as you think she is.”
“You’re siding with Elisha?” Justin said, cocking his head to the side as he sent her a discouraging look. “Are you serious?”
“Justin.” Her eyes became serious, transfixed on his own so he’d be forced to pay closer attention to her. “I don’t think she understands this whole Trace thing, and if she does, I think she probably views it as some kind of joke. Either that or she has some kind of problem...”
“Fuck, what?” He snapped angrily. “How can you sit here and say that? You were the one who wanted me to have her come out...”
“I know!” She exclaimed. “But that was before I caught her...God, talking to herself!”
He watched as she angrily got up from the chair and began to gather the trash again. Confusion clouded his mind. He truly had no idea what his cousin was talking about. “What do you mean?”
“Jesus...fine. After I got you settled in your frame, I went into the kitchen. I heard a voice so I looked out the window and I saw her out in the yard talking to herself,” she laughed sadly. “And...I figured I would ask her about it, you know? I mean, that’s not normal, and I don’t need you dating some crazy person, Justin. I care about you, and I want to look out for you if I can.”
He understood her point, although he didn’t want to. It was only the first time she’d ever met Sheridan after all, and the Sheridan he knew wasn’t like that. She wasn’t crazy at all, and he just didn’t get why she would have been acting like that on today of all days. “So what’d she say?” He whispered.
Rachael huffed, and for a moment Justin could swear he saw his cousins eyes become a little glossed over, but she quickly composed herself, as always. “I shouldn’t,” she finally said. “It’s just...she just got here and I don’t...”
“Rach, if you don’t tell me I’m going to find out the truth from Sheridan one way or the other,” he spoke up. “And I don’t want to make her any more upset. You saw her. She’s a wreck right now.”
“She said that she ran into an old friend outside, and that he was a friend of ours too,” Rachael told him, without holding back the anger in her voice.
“A friend?” Justin questioned, in his heart knowing what was coming next, but not wanting to accept it, because that wasn’t the kind of girl Sheridan was. He knew that the girl that he loved, would never do something so shallow.
“Yeah,” Rachael nodded. “She told me that his name is Juan.”
Justin felt like throwing up and gagged a little, before continuing on. “She didn’t say that.”
“Oh, but she did,” Rachael said, her voice cracking a little bit. “And you better believe that I told her off good too. I mean, who the fuck does she think she is? Of all the things she could mess with, she picks Trace? Justin, I’m sorry but I really think there’s something wrong with her. I just... I can’t even look at her. She’s fucking crazy.”
The rage formed inside of him instantly and wouldn’t go away. It beckoned to him from the depths of his soul, and told him what a horrible person Sheridan Williams really was. She led you on, the voice hissed, seductive and inviting. The only thing she ever wanted to do was use you as a paw for her own amusement.
“No,” he said, forcing the voice away with a shake of his head. “Wait, what if she...she saw him...like you did? What if...”
“Are you kidding!” Rachael hollered at him, forcing him to shut up quickly. “Be serious!”
And he knew he was just making up lame excuses. Sheridan hadn’t seen Trace. Certainly not. She was simply fucking around with Rachael’s emotions, for reason’s he just couldn’t explain. “I can’t believe this,” he finally responded, softly.
“Believe it,” Rachael said seriously. “You better have a talk with her or something, because I can’t do it, Justin. I’m too upset now. Today of all days. I mean, my fucking God...doesn’t she know how much we miss him? What if she had said it to the rest of them? To Elisha? Can you image the damage that could have been done?”
She dropped the trash bag again, and for the first time in his life, he saw his cousin break down completely. And for the first time since he’d been home, he had to be strong for her, not weak, not a victim of his handicap. He pulled her as close to him as he could, and she eventually allowed herself to bury her face in his lap and sob hysterically into it.
It was the best repayment he could think of for all she did for him, just being there to comfort her.
He just wished it was happening for another reason, and in that moment, he felt the love for Sheridan that he’d cherished so much fizzle out completely. Never in his life had he been angrier at the woman he was supposed to love. Not even Britney, and she was supposed to have been the worst. The betrayer.
But Sheridan had topped her, ten times over, and he knew there was no alternative now.
He knew he had to end their relationship, or risk the emotional well being of the rest of his family.
Story Tags: justinandtrace
