Aspen sat, curled up in the corner of her couch, with a blanket draped over her, and a cup of hot cider. The beverage, a perfect concoction of apple cider and Chai tea, provided warmth to her frigid fingertips as she watched the new episode of ‘Extreme Makeover: Home Edition’. It was Sunday evening, and it was routine to catch every episode. There was not an episode she did not have recorded and had not watched multiple times. 

Her Sunday evening ritual served as the beginning and end – relaxing before the beginning of a busy week and rejuvenating from an exhausting end of the week. A small chuckle escaped her lips at the thought of needing to rejuvenate at age 27. But, here she was, a little over two years shy of thirty, and she felt like she was twice that age. She hadn’t imagined she’d feel this way – ever. But, the past two years had not treated her well, and she still found herself reeling from the heartaches, the body aches, and the headaches. 

Sighing softly, she watched the classic Coke-Cola polar bear commercial begin to play. Christmas was only days away, and at the end of the week, she would be climbing into her car and taking Interstate 91 back towards home. She’d be joining her brother and his family for the holiday this year. Like many years in the past, she knew that his home would be engulfed with warmth and love. If she closed her eyes and focused, she could feel the heat of the fireplace surrounding them as they exchanged gifts sprawled on the plush living room carpet. The sweet and comforting scent of pine and cinnamon wrapping around all gathered in smooth ribbons of silk. 

The poinsettias decorate the fireplace mantle, with bright greenery draping below it, lit up by strands of twinkling clear lights. The grand Douglas fir tree would sit in the right back corner of the room with the crimson and gold décor with every family member’s personalized ornament hidden somewhere amidst the elegant glass ornaments. Her brother, Paul and his wife Allie always outdid themselves with their holiday décor. Aspen could bet the deed to her condo that the neighborhood turned off the streetlights every Christmas. Paul and Allie’s house could light up the entire block like the Northern Lights with their elaborate decorations. 

And, the inside of their home was not spared. Usually, Aspen would Black Friday night helping them decorate. Hanging the garlands from the banisters and the mantles, the wreaths on the doors, and the mistletoe over the main door frames, it always put her in the spirit.

"Are you ready? You know what to say, say it with me! Bus driver, MOVE THAT BUS!" Ty’s voice from the television screen mounted on the wall of her condo’s living room broke through her thoughts. Blinking her eyes to the mist, she watched the family’s reaction to the unveiling of their new home. It never failed that she became almost as emotional as the families. Her friends and family always teased her about it. The box of tissues sitting on the side table next to her taunted her.

“Damn you Ty and your sexy bullhorn,” she grumbled, losing her battle with her tears. Reaching with one hand for a tissue, she wiped at her eyes with the back of the other hand. Dabbing the corners of her eyes, she watched the family head towards the front door, leading to their new life. 

The telephone began to ring from the foyer, where it sat in its base. Sighing, she detangled her limbs from the blanket. Her sock-covered feet carried her out of her living room and over to the small table by her front door. Picking up the phone, her eyes glanced at the caller ID, and her heart stopped. 

It couldn't be. 

No. 

Why would he be calling her? 

They hadn’t spoken in so long, why now? 

The endless questions running through her mind distracted her, and the ringing ceased before she could decide to answer the call. But, the beep from her answering machine let her know that he was recording a message. 

“Oh my…” she groaned, her head gripping the now-silent phone and her eyes concentrated on the answering machine. Her breath was caught in the back of her throat, anxiously waiting to hear the sound that once stilled her beating heart. 

“Hey, this is Justin…I’m sure you knew that already. We haven’t seen each other in some time, but I hope you are doing well. But, anyway, I was calling to simply wish you a Merry Christmas and Happy New Year. I wanted to catch you early in case you were traveling for the holiday. Anyway, my mama tells me to tell you to have a wonderful Christmas. If you’d like, and are still in town, give me a call. Well, have a good night and Merry Christmas, Penny.” 

And the tears she’d managed to rid her eyes of, returned. Penny. No other person in the world had been allowed ever to call her by that name. But, that boy was stubborn and could always manage to get his way. She’d tried over and over to bargain with him to call her by any other name, but he would not budge. 

Her hands trembled as she replaced the phone on the base, her mind running wildly. It’d been almost 14 months since they’d seen each other and 10 months since they’d spoken. Images of their last night together before the heartache set in raced from the back of her mind to the forefront of her memories. 

Rolled around on kitchen floors
Tied my tongue in pretty bows with yours

“Penny! I’m home!” his soothing voice echoed from the high ceilings of their Tribeca Pearline Soap Factory condo. 

“In the kitchen,” she replied, rolling her eyes at his use of that damn nickname. He knew how much being called ‘Penny’ bothered her, and yet, it fueled his use of it. 

“Watcha doin’?” he questioned, walking through the doorway. His hands landed on her hips, pulling her body close to his and pressing his lips to hers. Covered in flour mix, her hands wrapped around his neck, yet maintained their distance. 

“I’m baking cookies, gingersnap,” she grinned, her arms still wrapped around his neck, as they pulled away. Her shorter frame stood on her toe’s tips to reach a decent height. 

“It’s October, woman! Shouldn’t you be preparing the candy bowl instead?” he teased her, his fingers lightly dancing along her sides, causing her to squirm. She was beyond ticklish, and this, he was well aware of. 

“I can’t help that I’m excited about Christmas. Do you realize this is the first year you’ll have nothing to rush back for?” she pushed out of his embrace, distancing herself from his devilish fingers. The mischievous glint is his eyes was not missed. 

“Don’t even think about it, Heartthrob,” she warned, pointing a powdered finger at him. A spark lit up his blue eyes hearing the nickname that she’d let slip. “Oh shit…” 

And off running around the kitchen island she went with him hot on her heels. Delightful laughter echoed throughout the kitchen as she managed to evade capture for a few minutes. Until, in the blink of an eye, he’d reached her and tackled her to the floor. Her instinct, to rub the mess on her hands over his face, did nothing to escape his fingers’ tickling attack. 

His infectious and taunting laughter was encouraged by her childish giggles and her free-flowing tears. It’d be their last night together. He’d fly off to Vegas the next morning, and two weeks later, in the living room of his California home, he’d shatter her world with no regrets or second thoughts. 

And now we pass and just like glass
I see through you, you see through me like I'm not there 

“After all this time, you call for a ‘Merry Christmas’,” she whispered, sliding down the wall in the foyer. Her flannel pajama pants did little to block her bottom from the coolness of her hardwood floors. It was like a fist clenched her heart, squeezing and twisting it deep in her chest. Aspen could almost feel her breathing pause, and become erratic. 

Why now? 

This would be the second Christmas that she would not tease his sensitivity to the Tennessee brisk air. She was from Massachusetts, and forty degree weather was sun-tanning weather for her. The year that she had taken him to Belmont for Christmas, he’d complained to her about not bringing enough warm clothes. She’d warned him of the cold, but he was too stubborn. So, they’d driven to Boston for him to stock up on ski-like clothing. The shopping would have been necessary, regardless, since Paul had gifted them a vacation stay at Lake Winnipeasaukee in New Hampshire for the New Year, before they’d both have to return to hectic schedules and time apart on opposite coasts. That holiday, Paul and the rest of her cousins had teased Justin about his wardrobe (or lack thereof), and naturally, it’d been his initiation into the Webb family web. 

“I feel like I’ve pledged or something,” he joked as they settled on the couch that winter, four years ago. The extended family had descended upon her grandmother’s home that year, every room in the house taken up. 

“Oh yeah, we’re one big, happy frat,” she quipped, lightly poking his taut stomach as her arm lay across his body. 

“It’s really snowing outside,” he commented, wiping the teasing smirk from his face. The room lights were off, but the twinkling lights from the tree on the opposite side of the room casted a warm glow on their skin. The house was warm and toasty, and the thermal curtains that her grandmother had hung were light parted, showing the outside. 

“Grammy’s going to make you shovel snow,” she teased, knowing the routine every morning. He chuckled, knowing his bones would ache by tomorrow’s nightfall. 

“Will I get a rubdown?” his arms wrapped tighter around her shoulders, bringing her sweats-clad body closer to him. She snuggled, curling her body tighter against his side. Not satisfied with being close to him, she climbed onto his lap. 

“A full body rubdown, Heartthrob,” her sickeningly sweet smile masked the ill nickname that he’d grown to detest. It was her way of grinding his nerves. 

“Knock, knock! Aspen! Open the door!” 

A flurry of knocks startled her. I need to stop daydreaming. 

Looking towards the door, she hesitated to ignore the voice screeching on the other side. Sighing, she knew her friend would not give up until the door was opened. Wiping her eyes frantically, she stood to open the door. She could hear the muffled voices from the television carrying into the foyer from the living room. Reaching the door knob, she breathed deeply before twisting it open. 

“It’s about damn time, woman,” her friend, Rachel rushed passed her in a blur of winter clothing. “Why the hell aren’t you dressed yet, lady?” 

“Good evening to you, too. What are you barking about now?” she teased, seeing a dull rage stirring in her friend’s ember eyes. 

“The show starts in an hour, Aspen. You’re supposed to be dressed and ready to go!” Rachel stomped her foot, and her hands gripped her hips. It was in that moment that she realized Rachel was dressed to the nines, stiletto heels impatiently tapping against the wood floors. 

“Oh Rachel, it completely slipped my mine. Give me fifteen minutes,” Aspen regretfully confessed, closing her front door and rushing down the hall to her bedroom. Rummaging through her closet, she quickly discarded her sweat pants and sweatshirt. Pulling on an electric blue, one-shoulder dress, she rushed into the bathroom, where Rachel was already waiting an eyelash curler in hand. 

Twenty minutes later, they were walking outside to catch a cab towards Manhattan. There was an art gallery show opening tonight, and Rachel had several photograph pieces featured in the ‘up-and-coming’ section. Aspen tirelessly apologized for her forgetful mind, and Rachel had already forgotten the ordeal. 

“So, you want explain to me why you looked like you’d been crying your eyes out when I got to the condo earlier?” Rachel nonchalantly questioned Aspen, not bothering to look at her as she spoke, instead checking the polish on her fingernails. Aspen’s eyes closed, and she stifled a groan realizing that Rachel would not let this go. 

“Nostalgia,” she replied simply, hoping the conversation would still there. What a joke. 

“What were you thinking about? It’s almost Christmas, you almost obsessed with Christmas,” Rachel spoke, and a hint of teasing coloring her voice. 

“There was a time when I loved Christmas, you’re right,” she replied, turning her head to look out the cab’s window as the city passed by in a blur. 

“And now?” Rachel pressed. Sighing, Aspen blinked away the few tears that sprung to the forefront of her eyes. 

“Now, I enjoy Christmas,” she confessed. She didn’t want to begin her spill on the materialism of Christmas, and her well-rehearsed excuse for not excessively partaking in the holiday’s festivities. 

“I know, he hurt you. And, I am sure he hurt you a lot. All that pain is his fault. But, if the pain he caused you robbed you of the joy of life, that’s your fault,” Rachel spoke softly, her love for the girl beside her echoing in her words.  

Yes, her cousin had broken Aspen’s heart so long ago, and Rachel deemed him a stupid, blind man for that. And, yes, she loved her cousin unconditionally. But, Aspen, in the nearly four years they’d dated, had become like a sister to Rachel. Aspen had become the woman that the entire world – family, friends, and fans – knew had finally stolen the heart of the world’s most sought after bachelor. Years of declaring eternal bachelorhood, Justin could not deny that he was destined to one day marry Aspen, the woman he loved unconditionally. And, the world over loved her unconditionally. Her radiant beauty had men longing to be with her, her effortless class and elegance had women wanting to be her, and her humble simplicity had Justin at ‘hello’. 

Rachel had explained to Justin long ago that she would always remain Aspen’s friend, and his stupidity would never rid her of that friendship. 

“He called me tonight,” Aspen spoke after a silence engulfed the cab. The heat was blowing from the air vents at the front of the cab, and it warmed them nicely. She knew she could never hide anything from Rachel; Rachel could read her like a book. 

“Is that why you were upset?” Rachel questioned, but she knew the answer to that obvious question. 

“Why now, Rach? It’s been over a year since I’ve seen him, and I haven’t spoken to him since my birthday. He didn’t bother to call me a ‘Merry Christmas’ last year, so why now?” a fury of questions flew from Aspen before she had a chance to restrain herself. Rachel’s warm hand reached out to take hold of her hand. Gripping it gently yet firmly, Rachel forced Aspen to turn her brown eyes to her. 

"Because he doesn’t have you anymore," she said softly, not missing the hitch in Aspen’s breath as she spoke. "And, I am sure that he’s now realized what he’s given up. You and I, both know his favorite holiday is Christmas. And, he won’t have you to go home to. And, this year would have been your turn to go to Massachusetts for the holiday. But, he’s lost the one thing he had for so long that made him feel alive.” 

“So, why did he go?” Aspen whispered, her voice cracking with emotion. It was a question that she’s had tattooed on her soul for so long. Her confusion was never settled. 

“He’s a little shit, a scared little shit. And he knows letting go of you was the worst thing he has ever decided to do in his entire life. And like Aunt Lynn has told him, he has to live with that regret.” 

“Rachel, I’m still waiting on him. Why can’t he see that?” Her question hung like a taunting, thundering cloud between the two friends. Rachel didn’t know the answer to that question. It’d been a question that she’d posed to him numerous times. Her eyes soften seeing Aspen, the strongest woman she’d known, crumble in the back of a New York City cab while out in 32 degree weather. 

You could make my head swerve
Used to know my every curve 

“Why doesn’t he know that I am the only one who has held onto the faith that we could get back together someday? While everyone has written us as lost for good, I’ve held onto the truth that I am still helplessly in love with him, and hoping that he is with me. I’ll never understand how I could’ve thought I knew him better than he knows himself. And, then one day, out of the sky’s own blue, he tells me that he’s done. He tells me he loves me no longer,” Aspen cried in a faint whisper, her manicured hand reaching up to muffle her strangled sobs.  

Reaching for some tissues from the box on the passenger’s seat, Rachel silently handed them over to Aspen. The remaining cab ride expired in silence, with Aspen’s hand gripping the crumbled tissues in her lap. As they approached their destination, the traffic caused them to completely stop a couple of blocks from the art gallery. Deciding to simply walk the short distance, they exited the cab into the icy, windy New York weather. 

“Why you chose a dress baffles me?” Rachel’s teeth chattered, as she latched onto Aspen’s arm in a faint hope for warmth. Aspen laughed, but simply shrugged. 

“It’s a cute dress. Don’t they have winters in Tennessee, woman?” she teased, knowing Rachel migrated south like the birds during winter. She’d head to LA for warmer weather, always concocting some excuse to work from there instead of Memphis. 

“Yes, but no blizzards,” she muttered, shaking her head in a sad attempt of shaking off the snowflakes that fell incessantly from the night skies. Laughing at her, Aspen led the way in her satin black stilettos, the ice crunching beneath the ruby-hued sole. 

And now we meet on a street,

“Aspen, honey, don’t hate me now. But, that’s Justin heading towards us, isn’t it?” Rachel’s painful observation reached her ears. Lifting her eyes to search for the cause of her pain, her pain intensified. His lithe body floated smoothly down the sidewalk, wrapped in a warm wool coat, scarf, and black beanie. Her eyes traveled from his black, polished shoes to his dress pants that rustled with the icy breeze. Continuing her exploration from afar, she studied him entirely before her eyes shifted to his side. 

Attached to his arm, much like Rachel was to hers, a leggy brunette stood. They had yet to take notice of Aspen and Rachel, but they soon would notice them. That is, if there did not want to collide. Swallowing the lump in her throat, her eyes shifted slightly to Rachel beside her. Rachel attempted at a comforting smile and a gentle hand squeeze, but Aspen’s broken pieces of her heart were not in her throat, their jagged edges tearing along the path. 

“Yo, J!” Rachel’s attempted a normal greeting, her voice breaking. And, Aspen knew that she’d placed her best friend in a tough and awkward position. The twosome before her turned their eyes away from one another in search of the voice’s owner. Finally, his blue eyes found her brown eyes, and she saw him visibly swallow hard. 

But, that would be it. That would be the only sign he’d give that maybe he too was hurting. 

And I am blind. I cannot find the heart I gave to you 

Quickly falling into his charming personality, he tugged along his companion. And, as she neared, Aspen recognized her as his supposed new girlfriend. Meeting the girl’s eyes, Aspen forced a friendly smile. The girl’s eyes widened in recognition before a timid smile was returned. 

Of course, she knows. The whole fucking world knew, Aspen thought bitterly as she waited for that moment where Justin would actually be standing in front of her after more than a year of not seeing him. And, she steeled her heart, preparing for those broken pieces to explode into a million shreds. Irreversible damage to her fragile heart. 

“Hey there, Rachel. Penny,” he curtly nodded, reaching forward to kiss and hug Rachel, before leaning in to do the same with Aspen. His warm breath fanning across her right ear as his frigid cheek met her now-warm cheek. His hand clasped her hand as he leaned in, and the touch that had once the ability to not only send her heart into erratic palpitations, but also to soothe every fear in her heart did nothing to her. 

Sometimes what we think we really want, we don't           

Looking into his eyes, she saw that there was so much he wanted to say. But, he wouldn’t. He’d done his apologizing, but never giving her an explanation. As he turned to introduce his girlfriend, the sparkle that she’d once seen in his eyes reappeared. 

“Nice to meet you,” a small smile was all she could muster. Shaking the girl’s hand, she was pleased with the pleasantries she’d been able to provide the girl.

Sometimes what we think we want, we really don't

“It’s been so long, how have you been?” his attempt at a casual conversation, sealed the deal. Suppressing the bitter laugh that had bubbled in the pit of her tummy, she shrugged lightly and gave him a tight smile. 

“I’ve made it thus far, so I can’t complain,” she replied. She’d never been great at hiding emotions for anyone. But, she’d also always been a just person. And his girlfriend did not deserve her rehashing their past right here, right now, or ever. 

“I called you earlier tonight to wish you a ‘Merry Christmas’. It’s a bit early, but I didn’t know if you’d travel. But, Mama sends her well wishes as well,” he continued, squirming a bit under her intense stare. It wasn’t her intention to come off so strong, and she was surprising herself at the moment. 

She’d always believed that she’d crumple to her knees if ever she saw him on the street. She’d believe that the immense love she held in her heart for him would be too much for her to handle, and she’d resolve to begging him for his return. 

Sometimes what we think we love, we don't 

“Yeah, I heard the message. Tell your family I wish them the best as well. And same to both of you, Merry Christmas,” Aspen smiled, genuinely for the first time in months. She could feel Rachel’s surprised gaze on the side of her face, and she was proud of herself. He nodded at her honest well wishes, and the conversation lulled. He ducked his head, and she took this time to let her eyes sweep over him. 

She didn’t know what it was that she was looking for, but she studied his mannerisms and the way that he handled the woman on the crook of his hand. 

And I am blind. I cannot find the heart I gave to you
And when we meet on a street,
Then I am blind. I cannot find the heart I gave to you 

And, it was in that moment that she saw it, in the way that his hand reached up to cover her hand on his elbow, an attempt to provide some warmth. 

“We’ve got to get going, but it was great seeing you both. I’m guessing I’ll see y’all in Memphis,” Rachel broke the silence. Nodding, Justin and his girlfriend bid farewell. After so many years together, she’d learned to see right through him like glass. She would know what he was thinking or feeling with one look in his eyes. Or, his body movement revealed his every emotion. 

He’d moved on. 

And, for so long, she naively pretended he held her heart in his hands. 

That maybe he’d held onto it, keeping it safe. And, although, she’d hurt without it, she’d survived believing that he was nurturing to it. 

And, during this season of giving, he’d given her the best gift of all. He’d returned to her the heart, the love, and the life that he’d taken so long ago. 

He’d gifted her a second chance at life. 

“Merry Christmas, Aspen.” 

“Merry Christmas, Justin.”